Come to the realization that you are an addict, is not an easy matter. After years of breaking all promises, resolutions, pledges, vows, commitments, etc. it just takes time and honesty, to acknowledge that you cannot deal with this alone. That, for some reason, this vice is stronger than you. That is hard to bear. A punch straight to one's pride. Then, looking back at the things you did in order to indulge in the vice, was also very disappointing. So, imsorrynotsorry, it was rough for me too.
The good news is that, if you don't give up, things can be turned around. That is when learning kicks in. As EarthWalker says, you learn many aspects about yourself that would probably still be hidden, if you were not fighting this vice. Not matter how low you fall, if you are alive, you can improve, you can be healed, you can learn from your past mistakes, and from the mistakes of others. You can beat the vice. You have to realize that you cannot keep playing around with it, you cannot give in a single cm to it, otherwise you will be falling again, for sure. I was not able to do it alone. Reading other people's journals has had an incredibly positive impact in my process. Seeing a different approach from people coming from a different path of life, implementing similar strategies as you, or new ones that you did not think of before, reading success stories, reading people relapsing but putting themselves together and carrying on, etc. It is all inspiring and push you forward. This is very lonely vice, and hence it is just reasonable that a sense of community is key to beat it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
70 days hard mode.