July 3rd 2020: Wife found porn on the computer and was very upset. Early in our relationship she had caught me and made it clear it was a deal-breaker for her (PMO not MO). I told her it wouldn't be an issue anymore and I believed that I would be able to just...stop. And for a couple weeks I did. Then it was late night TV shows with sex scenes and nudity and I rationalized it by saying it "wasn't P" so it was ok. Well...we all know how that goes; seek out more "not P" until eventually you're seeking out P that in your right mind would find at best disturbing and at worst disgusting. Your brain says "Hey get more of that chemical" so you PMO and your body produces a "hit" and it becomes a cycle. Add in some shame from a highly religious upbringing as well as a constant feeling of needing to "hide" who I was because of not fitting in with that religious upbringing and you literally coast through life for years, seeking out that hit to quiet that part of your brain that wants it's chemicals and then feeling shitty for it.
That was over a year ago (I was camping on the exact 1 year day...never been good with "anniversaries").
What have I learned in 1 year of not PMOing?
Pretty simply: PMO and even MO are not needed. Like, at all.
For some of you, you'll think "MO is natural and I need it". Maybe you do, I'm not you. For me it became a reminder of the selfish time before so I avoided it, sometimes even in some fairly intense discomfort. Dull ache in my balls is a lot more tolerable than the ever-present feeling of shame and disgust with myself for not being able to stop myself from seeking it out.
I don't MO or PMO because I have sex much more regularly with my wife, and I have sex much more regularly with my wife because I:
A: Have a much stronger connection with her because I'm not hiding things from her which means I feel better about myself.
B: Don't get sexual release from anyone/where else.
This past year has been horrible in a lot of ways. Covid, heath issues in the family, my wife learning that I had been lying to her for over a decade and how that has affected our relationship. It's also been the best year of my adult life because I feel free from PMO for the first time ever and it's a lot easier to stay away from the "high" of PMO when you constantly feel a "high" from being able to be yourself.
Thanks for reading and hopefully you are on a similar path. I'm not some guru or expert, I'm just a regular guy who was able to lean on some other smarter guys on this forum, get with a good therapist and have an amazing partner. You can kick this and it will be worth it.