Hello! It's been a while since I posted (4 weeks? give or take.) But I am still chugging along. in the past four weeks, I have moved to a totally new city with my girlfriend, started a master's program, and continued my journey of becoming porn free. In general, life is really good. Yet, I have not had any kind of crazy change in my behavior. I had to face reality that moving in with her would not solve my addiction, which deep down I knew.
I started seeing a new therapist, and I like him. He's helpful. he has helped me see that my behavior is really just a form of emotional regulation and stress management. I don't act out when i feel happy and good about life. It's only when I am in a bad place, when I am upset or stressed about something. So that has given me tools to work through this.
I have relapsed multiple times in the few weeks despite living with her and having consistent sex. Telling her about my relapses is pretty awful! But it's important to be honest.
In light of what I have learned about myself and my behavior, I have created a new plan for recovery that has been pretty good so far. I'm still less than a week in, but I feel really solid so far, which is world's of difference from how I felt this past week, where I would relapse, then try to stay clean and relapse again the same day. I crawled out of the pit, and I am standing again.
My plan is four points: emotion and stress regulation, a plan for how to minimize risk while working on my laptop in quarantine all day, a plan for stability and health in day to day life, and improving my self image in general.
Let's start with stability and health. I am exercising and meditating every morning. I have to say meditation is key so far. It helps me find my center and feel at peace. It starts my day off on a good note. In the evenings, I will come back and post here every night. I also am going to joing SAA meetings weekly, and I am going to continue talking with my therapist weekly. My brother is recovering as well, and we are holding one another accountable.
For regulating my emotions and stress, I am breaking down all my tasks into manageable chunks. This makes it seem less daunting. On top of that, I work for about 40 minutes, then stop and meditate for 5 or 10. this helps me check in with myself, see how I am feeling. I am also taking a walk outside midday, so I am not just in front of my laptop all day; that would contribute to my stress and unhappiness. When I feel unpleasant emotions, I am naming them, and working through why I feel them. this helps them feel not so overwhelming.
For my computer use plan, I am working in my new apartment's living room, which is an open space where I cannot shut a door and be alone. I am also ceding my desk, because I have found it helps to have my laptop on a pillow on my lap, so that I cannot start absent mindedly masturbating as if my laptop were on a desk. If need be, I will also download my readings and shut off my wifi.
Lastly, I am working to improve my self image. This mostly takes the place of adjusted my self talk to be more positive, and recognizing I have free will and control over my behavior and recovery. I am proud of the work I am doing, because I am working hard in many aspects of my life. I want to accomplish so much. I will do this.
We're in this together, everyone. I hope you and I both come through this stronger than ever before.
