Journal

[wwalker19]

I am feeling better since I poster earlier today.  I can do this.  It's hard not to get down sometimes.  After I slipped, I wrote in pen on my hand the amount of time I have been trying to recover.  Maybe it will help me if I start to relapse, it'll force me to think about how I am slipping again and again.  There is no 'just this last time.'  It has to end.  I can't keep making excuses, and giving in.  I need to stick to my guns and live in my integrity, and that means actively trying and doing everything in my power to not watch.  I have free will, I need to exercise my abilities to protect myself from myself, and do everything in my power to reduce risk.  I'm just rambling here but it feels good to just get thoughts out of my head.

Today's relapse was the worst.  I'm not sure why.  I suppose I just came to terms with the fact that I have gotten nowhere.  Maybe it will give me a little more drive to resist next time.  I know that willpower alone will never work, but I have been trying so many things.  Am I not consistent enough?  I do lapse on my consistently a lot, almost every weekend my routines slip and then that's when I slip.  I guess I need to work on sticking to them every day of the week.  here's the current plan:

Wake up at 7:30. 
Meditate for a half hour. 
Plan out the risks I will face today, and when I might be likely to slip.
Account for them; how can I increase my chances of success? 
Plan out my work for the day-what do I need to accomplish?
Plan my daily walk, my lunchtime, my smaller meditations, affirmations, and feelings chart usage.
Plan out my afternoon workout (I should try to make this consistent every day.)
When I am done with my morning routine, I can have my coffee and start the day!

In the evening:
text my accountability partner.
post on the forum how my day went. 
what are 3 things I am grateful for? 
mark my calendar for my successes.

 

[Chris Oz]

It's nice to have you back Walker. It's a good thing to be objective with goals and a plan...so keep at it. Don't get too hung up on it though. You can't take care of everything, give yourself some allowance especially with time. I nfall into that teap everytime

Good luck man
Keep pushing back!

 

[avi]

Nice to have you back, wwalker19! Having some sort of reward, whether it is in the form of a check mark really helps good habits stick. Routine basically makes or breaks your growth and development so it is nice to see that you have stuff planned out in advanced. Also, it is nice to see that you are asking good question. I personally believe that moving forward in life involve asking the right questions and the answers will come to you. Hoping the same for you!

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks for the warm words Chris and Avi, it's good to hear from you both.  Today went well!  I had some great meditations, a solid workout, I'm picking up Babe I'm Gonna Leave You on guitar by Led Zeppelin (great song, check it out), and I was productive with my work. 

I've realized I tend to slip on weekends because I have a habit of letting up on my routines starting friday and through the weekend.  By sunday I have languished enough to where if I hit a craving, getting past it is so much harder than it would be if I had kept up my self care.  In general my troubles are losing consistency in my routines, so that's my goal.  I am using google calendar and phone reminders to track the things I want to do, so I am optimistic now knowing my weakness.

Cheers to tomorrow being good too!  We're in this together, everyone.

 

[wwalker19]

Yesterday was good!  The debate distracted me from posting here but I checked off all the things I wanted done. 

I think I have realized recently in my recovery how day by day it is.  I tend to get comfortable when I am doing really well and let up my guard, and then inevitably I slip.  I need to acknowledge that every day is a new one, and I still need to put in that effort each day.  When I am on top of my recovery routines it doesn't feel that hard, but after just a couple of bad days, it seems insurmountable to resist sometimes.  Good incentive to take care of myself, for sure.

So this time I am sticking to my routines like glue.  Here's to today going well too!

 

[wwalker19]

Hi all.  Today went well, I am happy that I'm doing alright this time.  I missed my workout today, but I am absolutely exercising immediately after class tomorrow.  My meditations have not been quite as good as they were last week, but the only bad meditation is the one you miss. 

I had a couple of little urges today that I managed to stop before they got too bad.  In general it was solid, but it's just more evidence that I need to stick to my routines so now I know.  Being in my apartment all day doing stressful schoolwork in front of my laptop is not ideal for this situation but I am going to make it work.

Things are good, so I will keep it up.  Hope everyone else is doing well!  We're in this together.

 

[Chris Oz]

Nice to see your progress... stay strong

 

[wwalker19]

Hey guys,

yesterday went well.  I came upon a point where I was just about to slip, but I managed to get up and go for a walk instead.  I am pleased with the fact that I managed to control it, but it's still frustrating it got as far as it did.  I have managed to block just about everything I can right now, to the point where I would really have to dig to get around my blocker, and hopefully that is enough time to come to my senses and stop.

things are good in general.  I had to get car insurance for the first time in my life which was surprisingly not as difficult as I expected, but just not knowing where to start and feeling like it was a big decision made me want to act out.  It concerns me that stuff like that can push me into the red zone, because it's stuff that needs to get done, but thinking back I would would PMO a ton around those sorts of things.  I need to learn to dissociate that stress and overwhelmed feeling with PMO because it always gets me into trouble.  Regardless, I am still going strong so there's that.

We're in this together guys.  Keep it up.

 

[wwalker19]

I slipped today.  I need something else to do, something to try.  My current strategy clearly isn't working.  It's helpful but I still am in front of my laptop constantly and having the willpower to avoid it just doesn't work for me.  I get drawn back every time.  I need help, I need something new, but I don't know what else to do.  Feeling frustrated.

 

[Chris Oz]

Hey man, it's going to be alright. Just  keep iterating on your game plan.

Reflect on what made you slip, the build up and the triggers that you've not yet addressed.

Most of the time, there's bound to get tiny little weeds in our lives that we simply are reluctant to remove or adress. Figure what that is and make that hard decision to do something about it.

For me it's been my time on social networks and the internet. And I decided to work on that, limiting my use on them.

And don't get the chaser effect on. Yes you fell, just get up and move on. We are with you on this journey. Don't lose hope. Remember your whys also, why it's so important for you to get rid of this addiction,remind yourself of what you stand to gain alright.

Again there's this article about what to do after a relapse on no Fap community : https://elatedpenning.com/what-to-do-after-a-nofap-relapse-get-yourself-back-on-the-track/

Read it up and make some action steps

Keep pushing back!
Chris

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks Chris.  I truly do appreciate your support.  I t helps to know tht I am not alone in this struggle, though I am sad you all also struggle with this too. 

I have made adjustments to my filtering method.  I will not be specific because I don't want to trigger anyone or give them a way around their blockers, but the big one I did was block google, and every other search engine I have.  I have no way to really access new information without supervision of my accountability partner, so I can only go to a website if I know its exact URL.  I can't find new ways around my blocker without access to new info.  Essentially, I think I have made my blocks as close to airtight as possible.

I am sticking with my routines and methods, because those were good.  But the fact of the matter was I was never going to succeed in my current situation (alone, stressed, in front of my laptop all day) without changing my location and situation or tightening my blocks.  It's definitely a bit of a pain to not have access to any search engine, but I know it'll be worth it.  If it does not interfere with my work, I don't care if it is unpleasant.  In the past three days it has not been bad at all actually, so hopefully this will continue.

I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and making this work.  I want to be successful.  I hope you all are too.

 

[Chris Oz]

That's the spirit!

 

[wwalker19]

Hi all, I'm doing well so far.  My airtight blocks are working wonders.  Not having access to any search engine is a bit odd, it feels like I'm living in the pre-internet era.  But just knowing I have no real access gives me such peace of mind and really helps the urges, because I feel like I don't really have to fight them, I just acknowledge they go nowhere. 

Now is the time to ride this out, and work on myself so that once I am not in such a controlled environment, I won't go running back if I have the chance.  My relationship is also improving again, now that I've gotten a bit more control back.  I'm feeling confident this time.

We're in this together guys.  Good luck out there.

 

[wwalker19]

Things are going well.  I cinched a couple last loose ends in my new block system, and there's no way around it so far as I know which really helps.  Today was really great!  I waited at the department of transit to get my license transferred to the new state I'm in which was a huge pain in my ass, but I got it so that's taken care of.  I met a group of other students from my classes for the first time, and they were really cool.  It felt incredible to be social again for the first time in ages.  I miss people.

I think the way for me to succeed is sticking with these blocks.  I know that I just don't have the willpower to resist around the clock, so I can control my environment instead and work on myself in the meantime.  One day down the line when I have been clean for long enough and I have built up my self care techniques maybe I can have google back, lol.  until then, no way.  I can't work with it without constantly relapsing, so it must go.  I have been surprised this week at how much I actually haven't needed it, honestly.  Regardless, I am happy.  Life is good.

We're in this together guys.  Keep it up.

 

[Chris Oz]

Nice to know man. Being social is really one way to get better with the recovery

 

[wwalker19]

Things are going well!  Yesterday I found a little hole with two last URL's I knew that were unblocked and I started to slip, but within moments I stopped myself, got out and had them blocked.  Which makes today day 1, I suppose, but that doesn't bother me.  I have everything I can possibly imagine now blocked, and I can focus on my work.  Things with the girlfriend are great... rebuilding trust is hard.  I am eager to move beyond this point in my recovery and gain a little control.  I want to get further out, gain some distance from my last relapse.  I can tell this is the way to do it.  So now that I have no access, I am gonna stick to my routines like glue again, because those have been good.

This upcoming week is gonna be a tough one, so it'll definitely be a challenge for me.  I am going to focus on my meditation to practice my self care, because I am going to be stressed.  I'll need to be sure to go for some walks to get outside, and keep working out.  Guitar is going well too!  I am definitely improving which feels amazing.  On the whole, life is coming together now and it's time to get better. 

Feeling good.  We're all in this together.

 

[avi]

Things are going well!  Yesterday I found a little hole with two last URL's I knew that were unblocked and I started to slip, but within moments I stopped myself, got out and had them blocked.  Which makes today day 1, I suppose, but that doesn't bother me.  I have everything I can possibly imagine now blocked, and I can focus on my work.  Things with the girlfriend are great... rebuilding trust is hard.  I am eager to move beyond this point in my recovery and gain a little control.  I want to get further out, gain some distance from my last relapse.  I can tell this is the way to do it.  So now that I have no access, I am gonna stick to my routines like glue again, because those have been good.

This upcoming week is gonna be a tough one, so it'll definitely be a challenge for me.  I am going to focus on my meditation to practice my self care, because I am going to be stressed.  I'll need to be sure to go for some walks to get outside, and keep working out.  Guitar is going well too!  I am definitely improving which feels amazing.  On the whole, life is coming together now and it's time to get better. 

Feeling good.  We're all in this together.

Nice! Very happy for you, wwalker19! You are identifying gaps in knowledge and addressing them. That strategy worked really well for me and I hope it does for you as well. Good luck! You got this!

 

[wwalker19]

Been slipping today.  I just want a string of a few clean days.  The past month has been the worst so far and I can feel the toll of my PMO on my relationship since I moved in with my GF, but stopping is so hard.  For the first time yesterday I lost my erection during sex which felt awful.  I need to get a grip on this.  My blocks have still worked really well on my laptop which is what's important, but I seem to have found an easy and permanent way around the blocker on my phone.  I contacted the company to seek support and hopefully they'll have a solution, but if they don't I'll have to acknowledge there's always a way to PMO if I want to.  Which is always the case anyway, I suppose.  I need to accept there's no way around this but through it.  I need to be strong enough to say no, bottom line, which I have not been.

Going forward I am going to shut off my phone and make it inaccessible during the day.  I'll keep meditating and playing guitar and exercising.  And I need to analyze my urges and acknowledge they'll pass and truly commit to quitting.  If I give in immediately every time I have an urge, that's not living.  I'm never going to recover that way.  I can't be like that. I want control, I want to feel like my relationship is growing, not dying.  I have to improve.

 

[Chris Oz]

You're right. I think there comes a point when you just say "enough is enough, whatever it takes , I'd commit to do it". When you find that, then that's a great start. Keep fighting for your relationship.

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 1.  Things are in dire straits.  I'm destroying my relationship with the only person I have ever been completely in love with.  I can't keep doing this.  I am finally really seeing the consequences for my actions.  Even when I lie about it, it still hurts us both and I'm miserable and ashamed.  There's no rationalizing anymore, no trying to bargain with how to use P.  Last time was the last time.  I've hurt her so much, I can't do this anymore.  I am quitting once and for all now.

I will not lose her.  I have to earn back her trust and love and gain control.  I have been giving in to the urge every time, just as a reaction.  No longer.  I need to put in the work to recover, I have been trying to find easy ways without the effort.  It's going to be effort no matter what.  I have to accept that my life is going to change to make this work.  PMO is not an option.

Feeling alone, but I know we're in this together.  tomorrow will be better.