Journal

[wwalker19]

Day 6!  This is a big deal for me.  It feels like ages since I have gotten this far without cheating or extreme difficulty.  On top of that, I found a way to fix the hole in my blocker!  I managed to get these six days with basically no blocker at all, and now I can restrict content again so I can feel safe with my phone.  I'm gonna keep sticking to my routines and work hard. 

We're in this together guys, don't give in!

 

[wwalker19]

And I relapsed yesterday, making today day 1.  I can't believe I chose to PMO despite everything it does to me and her.  We've been so estranged.  I told her, which was important.  I can't lie which I would've done before.  I never knew before how helpful it was to be honest, weirdly enough. 

I want a future with her.  But we're so distant, I can't stand being the one destroying my relationship.  I need to step up and make the rigth choice every day.  it was so easy this week, until yesterday.  I need to grow up.

 

[wwalker19]

I hate the person I am.  I hate that I chose porn over her, even though the writing is on the wall.  I hate all of this, but I need to get a handle on it.  I need to make the right decision every day, not just most days.  It's so hard.  Why is it so hard?  Why is it some people seem to have such an easy time with it?

I feel awful.  She's so unhappy, she's trapped here with me and I keep choosing porn over her.  She's miserable like this and this past week was my big chance to make things different, and I fucked it up.  I'm getting another chance, but is this time going to be different?  Am I just going to forget again?  How am I going to maintain my motivation if I relapsed within a week of the worst part of my relationship?  And if I can't get a handle on this and I lose her, it's going to get so much harder.  I don't know if I could do this alone.  I don't want to be left without her, with only porn.  I don't want to be lonely and only have that.  I need to recover but I keep acting like I can have my cake and eat it too, which I can't.  How do I remember that?

 

[wwalker19]

Day one went well enough.  I'm keeping my motivation strong this time by setting up the gifts she has given me around my workspace, my phone is blocked from 8 AM to 5 PM, I am writing her a letter in the mornings every day (I am not giving them to her.)  This time will be the time.  I know I won't lose sight of my goal.

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 2.  I am feeling strong motivation this time.  Things are good between us, this is the time.  Any urge I feel is ok, but I choose to act on none.  I will acknowledge them, question why they're there, self-care, and stay true to my morals.  I don't want to continue hurting us.  Things will work this time.

 

[wwalker19]

Day two went well.  Tomorrow is day three which is good.  I feel good about this time.  This past week really well honestly, and I basically had no blocker on my phone at all the whole week.  I relapsed because I hit a seriously stressful situation in combination with no block.  Now I have a solid block and better reminders of my motivation.  I can't slip again, so I won't.  I choose to move on.

Stick to it guys.  Wish you all the best.

 

[Chris Oz]

Wishing you all the best too man.

Writing letters to her every morning is a good thing.ot helps you focus on her I think. Why don't you want to deliver them. I feel it would be very romantic, dropping it at a spot only her be can find it. And also if you mention the steps you're too taking or talk a little about your PMO in them... it would help her know you're trying at least, don't you think?.

 

[Sanders]

Hey wwalker,

Sorry to hear that your relationship is so difficult right now, it can really make everything else seem meaningless when you find out how much it hurts for someone you care so deeply about. I don't know how you're communicating together but at least you're open about what's happened. Do you perhaps have a therapist or psychologist to talk to? It might really help just to vent and get all of these things out while getting some perspective and help for your struggle. Also for your girlfriend, I hope she has someone to talk to about this. A friend, family member or also therapist. Just talking about it might help the both of you.

You're determined to give everything you have I see, it can get frustrating at times that even though you're trying she might not see it the same way. Both of your paths to becoming happy together are very differently but of course they should lead to the same goal. I hope you take the time to talk, but more importantly, to listen. Be there for her when she needs you, even though it might feel difficult at times.

I hope you can move past this together! I wish you all the strength you need.

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks for the responses guys.  I have let her read a couple of them now, but I am not going out of my way to put them in her hands because I don't want her to be force to think of what we're going through right now out of the blue.  I have told her everything I am doing this time to stay sober and she really can see that I am trying.  For now things are fairly good between us but that remains contingent on me staying clean.  If I don't... things won't be good.  If I can't stick to it this time our relationship is going to take a dive.  I need to show her now or never that I pick her over porn. 

I have a therapist I talk to every week, and I just managed to convince her to look for one, which she did.  I think she found someone, but her new cycle of insurance has not started yet, so she said she has not made an appointment.  Does this mean she is uninsured right now?  I am uncertain... I certainly hope not. 

All I can do now is stick to what I want.  I have chosen and I will do anything in my power to maintain this goal.  I need to hold onto that motivation this time.  Today is day 3, and I am gonna do much better than last time.

All the best everyone.  We're in this together.

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 4.  Yesterday had one rough spot where I wanted to act out, but my blocks were good enough to where I was able to get my bearings.  Today I have the beginning of a midterm, so I might get a bit stressed, but if I do, I am going to close my laptop and take a walk or a shower.  Showers calm me down like nothing else, not sure why.

Things are good between my girl and me.  We are not being intimate, it is going to take time to get back there.  I want to regain trust and recover from this.  It is going to be hard, but it matters so much.  I want to move forward in life and I am lucky to know exactly how to do that.

We're in this together guys.  Keep it up.

 

[wwalker19]

Day 5.  I think it helps to think about how I just need to stay clean for today.  If i start thinking about being clean forever it seems too big and stressful, but honestly, I just need to get to about 5 pm when I'm not stressed with work, not alone in front of my computer, when I can hang out with her.  That helps.

The midterm was ridiculously easy, which was a nice surprise.  Things are good right now, I intend to stay on the horse.

We're in this together.  Good luck all.

 

[wwalker19]

Hi all, today is day 6.  feeling good on this run through.  I feel solid this time.  I can expect to start having more trouble around monday when I have classes again, when the stress level increases and i'm in the midst of withdrawal.  But I just need to remember all I need to do is get to 5 pm and I'm safe for the day.  That makes it a lot easier. 

Yesterday was a breeze to be honest.  Hopefully today is the same. 

Keep with it everyone!

 

[anubu0]

Hey Walker,

I read all of your journal entries and they helped motivate me into staying resilient for the next coming months. While I have not recovered fully yet, or even slightly, I had a few runs that felt exceptionally well and were very successful.

I went around 3 weeks for one of these runs. I watched a lot of motivational videos; I think establishing the mindset that you can do it and that you are not actually a porn addict went a long way. If I were you, I would start journaling about this as well. Say to yourself that you are strong and independent of porn.

Again, this is just my advice. I think having accountability is great and all of these habits to distract you are stellar. But when push comes to shove, its about you and your determination to get through this. Stay strong, and you and I can both do this.

Another thing. I understand that you have a lot of accountability in your life, but I might recommend having an accountability partner that truly understands what you're going through. Members of this site might be a good addition. If you are interested, let me know and I would love to help you on your journey. I have also just started but I think together we can overcome our struggles.

 

[wwalker19]

Hey Anu, that's pretty wild that you read all of this honestly.  It's been a lot of back and forth.  But you're right, it's about sticking to my determination when push comes to shove, and I have not been consistent with that.  I think being accountability partners could be very helpful actually.  I would totally be interested. 

Oh, also it's day 7.  This feels pretty good.  I'm moving forward. 

 

[anubu0]

Hey Walker! Good stuff... 7 days is a big milestone!

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 8!  Day 7 was a breeze.  I know not every day will be like that, but it feels great nonetheless.  My girl and I are doing really well.  We're being intimate again, which feels so good.  I'm more motivated than ever, I won't mess this up.  I don't want to go back to what it felt like before.  I'm very confident this time, but I will not let up on my routines either. 

Today I am writing a paper, which could be a bit stressful.  I'm ahead of the game though so that helps a lot.  I don't have too much to be worried about for it.  If I do get stressed though, I'll urge surf and meditate, and if need be, take a shower and play guitar in another room.  It's been so long since I have gotten over a week, this feels really great. 

We're all in this together.  I'm rooting for you all.

 

[Chris Oz]

It's nice to hear you're doing well man

 

[anubu0]

Congrats walker!

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 2.  Sadly, I relapsed on Monday after a solid run.  But I'm not really that upset about it.  I know what I am doing works, and I'm going to keep working at it.  I feel very good this time.  The thing that is important for me is maintaining my motivation, after a week it seems to ebb in the face of the appeal of porn.  I just need to  really want it, but the thing is after a week away I choose it willingly. 

I have all the pieces in place, life is good right now.  Time to stop making excuses and do this, I am the only one who can help me. 

We're in this together gents.  Keep it up.

 

[wwalker19]

I relapsed today, on day 2.  I'm back to destroying my relationship.  Why do I throw it away when things are good?  Why am I so willing to fuck it all up?  If I don't change I will lose the most important person in the world to me.  I'll have to move out of my apartment.  Why can't I see that?