Journal

[Newman28]

Hey WWalker19!

Congrats for deciding to make this a new lifestyle for you. I will start by saying this you need a porn blocker on ALL of your devices and if possible you need a good friend or two to be your accountability partner. I use covenant eyes as my blocker and it?s amazing. I have 3 friends who get a report everyday of what I am looking at they even get screenshots of my internet activity even if it?s a good report. I am currently on day 48 so I?m past all the crazy withdrawals you get a first. Trust me man you will get there. But you NEED porn blocker with your friends attached to that account so when you look you will basically have to explain yourself. Ideally you want it to be someone you would be ashamed if they saw what you were looking at it?s motivation to not look.

I will also say this get rid of ALL stimulation from Social media(Instagram,Facebook , Tik tok and Twitter) all of these are very triggering especially in the beginning. If you are on these social media platforms and you feel yourself becoming sexually stimulated in any way (even if you don?t get an erection). You will know this feeling because once you go through no PMO for at least 2 weeks and you see a stimulating image you will feel it in your brain. I have deactivated my Facebook and Instagram because even though I had stopped PMO and had my blockers on my decvices I noticed I was seeing pictures in Social media over time I realized they were stimulating me. Some of the pictures weren?t even like sexual in nature but my mind took it there.

Here is what I will say keep this motto : ?If it ain?t real NO deal?. Anything that stimulates you sexually or makes you think sexually from a screen whether it?s a sexual pic or non sexual avoid and get rid of it. As far as sex with your GF I would recommend doing 90 days no sex but obviously if you are going to Orgasm make sure it is with her. You want to at least try to make it 1-2 months. You may have to take awhile because you started very young (like I did at 8 years old).

Keep going man you got this! Figuring out the triggers and live in the present. It?s going to be challenging cause you will realize you watch Porn to deal with every negative emotion and you will have to find another way to transfer it.

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks Newman.  I have pretty solid blockers on my laptop, pretty airtight i think.  I found a clear cut way around the one on my phone that renders it pretty useless.  I contacted the support team to see if there is a way to help with that, but if not and until then I have it off and put away and will not even touch the drawer unless I'm going out right then or with my gf.  My laptop thankfully is safe to use, which is all I need for my classwork. 

I just need to try.  I have always given in as soon as I got an urge.  It's like I have been half in half out.  I have to put in the effort and commit to changing my life.  Otherwise my life is gonna change in a way worse way.

 

[Newman28]

I know that EXACT feeling I used to give in the moment I felt the urge and not even try to fight it off. I know for me personally if I used a weak porn blocker I would have never made it to day 48. Covenant eyes is 16 a month so it is idk maybe more expensive than some but it helps knowing my internet activity is monitored and sent to my friends every day. It doesn?t monitor social media activities though so I had to do that on my own and get rid of the thirst traps and thots. If I thought there was a possible way I could look and not get caught I would have falllen in the trap. What?s interesting is I have a work phone and laptop I take home with me but I?m so scared my work would see it im not even tempted to look. I wanted to get the most out of the reboot so I didn?t want to half do it so I wanted to Make sure nothing was stopping me. I believe you will get there and you will gain some discipline to fight it off.

I can?t wait to hear about your progress I know that feeling of falling in when the urge arises. Exercise and meditation has been saving me the most. Plus if you can talk to yourself I would recommend doing that too. I am constantly asking myself what do I feel that moment or day because honestly I feel bipolar a lot. One moment I?m okay and the next I?m not ajd I have no idea why sometimes. So consciously being emotionally aware will help too.

K

 

[wwalker19]

Thank you, honestly it makes me feel better to know you've been there.  The thing is when I'm feeling good and on top of stuff it's so easy to not PMO.  But after today I definitely have gotten a fire under my ass to really try  no more half assing it. 

Day 1 went well, PMO wise.  It's my first step towards repairing my relationship, and things are tense.  There's only one way to regain trust and make things right, and luckily it'll also make me a happier, healthier person.  So there's that.  Tomorrow will be good too.

We're in this together.  Thank you guys for keeping up with me.

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 2.  Gf is pretty distant.  I can't blame her.  The lying and constant relapses take a toll.  I guess this is what I needed to actually realize the repercussions of my actions, which is sad.  I feel awful for hurting her.  But I'm also living in quarantine in a new city where I don't know anyone else, so this could get lonely.  Time to keep chugging along I guess.  At least yesterday the thought of PMO was so far away from my mind it was easy.  hopefully today is the same.

Keep it up guys.

 

[wwalker19]

Day two went well, all things considered.  still pretty distant.  A little warmth here and there.  I know if I persist and keep with it things will turn around.  It's just so jarring because we've always been so good, but I really messed up this time. 

I'm just worried that once things do get better I'll get complacent.  I don't want to end up there again.  I know what I need to do though.  I have been actually sticking to my routines that help, and I know I need to actually try to stay clean.  I just wasn't trying before, it didn't feel real.  I was too able to rationalize it was my last time, or that it didn't matter as much as I was making it out to.  It matters a lot. 

The last time we were having sex, I lost my erection partway through.  I had slipped that day and I had not told her and i just couldn't fake it, I was ashamed.  I can't go there again.  I want to be intimate and loving with her. 
Tomorrow will be good too, because it has to be.  On the bright side I got the majority of my schoolwork done that I had to, and things should be easier for the rest of the week now.  I got a perfect score on an assignment that counts for 30% of my grade, which feels pretty good.  I'm getting Babe I'm Gonna Leave You on guitar (ironic), and my meditations have been good.  I am not giving up this momentum.

We're in this together guys.  Now I've got something to prove.

 

[wwalker19]

Today is day 3.  More of the same, still distant.  Still can't blame her.  I need to apologize for the times I lied.  It's just so hard to work up the courage.  Regardless, the past couple days went easily which was good considering I had been slipping constantly and just couldn't seem to find stability or motivation.  Well, now I've got it for better or worse.  PMO seems so ridiculous now. 

There was some warmth last night.  It's not over, but I don't have any doubts that she'll stick around if I can't get a handle on this.  So the answer is get a handle on this.  Before I conceptually knew that PMO would hurt my relationships but now it's clear as day.  So now my motivation has skyrocketed. 

Hopefully today goes well and tomorrow is better.

 

[wwalker19]

Day is going well enough.  Honestly at this point just a few days clear of PMO feels like a success.  She is still cold and distant.  It feels awful.  This needs to change.

 

[wwalker19]

I admitted to lying about my last relapse.  It went poorly.  Way worse than I expected honestly.  It was a huge disaster actually.  But being honest this time was still necessary.  I can't lie any more.  I still have a chance at this relationship I think, and I need to do everything right from here on out.

 

[wwalker19]

I feel very alone right now.  I am terrified that I've damaged my relationship beyond repair.  I think it'll be ok but what if it isn't.  I don't know.  It just makes me wonder whether I would ever find anyone who makes me so happy as she does.  I never have before.

PMO has never really had repercussions before.  I've always been able to rationalize it, this is the last time, it doesn't really matter, everyone does it.  It does real lasting damage.  P makes me a liar.  I don't lie otherwise.  She's so much more upset about the lying than the PMO.  Telling the truth has been so painful, so awful.  But I see now that I need that.  When I lied, there were no repercussions.  I sank deeper and deeper, and it still pulled us apart.  Lying didn't help whatsoever.  My family is made of liars, everyone lies to one another all the time.  I never thought much of it.  I just lied to do what I wanted.  I ignored other people, what they felt.  I've been so selfish.

If we recover from this, it'll take time.  I don't know how to rebuild trust.  I don't know if I ever can.

God I wish I didn't have a midterm and problem set and paper due in the next few days.

These past few days have been so jarring.  Everything went from picture perfect to a nightmare.  We've always been so good together, she's always been so sweet and loving and caring and adorable.  Seeing her like this is fucking awful.  It's like somebody died. 

I'd rather shoot myself than PMO again.  The stakes are here to stay now.  On the bright side the past few days have been a breeze with not PMO'ing, which considering the horrible slipping I had for the few weeks prior, I'm happy with.  I wish it hadn't taken this to get my shit together, but whatever I guess.  As long as we can make it back from this, that's all I want.  I want to be more than I ever was.  I want her to be happy again.  I want to be happy with her, I want to hold her, I want to laugh with her.  This is too much to bear.  But I'll do anything it takes to fix this. 

 

[Newman28]

Hey man!

Hang in there I believe that she will stay with you. Honestly its what gave me the motivation to stop PMOing knowing I could lose my bf because he was tired of feeling so unwanted and unattractive. Simply knowing that If i go back I am truly going to lose him so even when I was deppressed in the beginning I had to remember to stick to it PERIODT! It wouldnt do any good going backwards only into more deppressing. KEEP PRESSING FORWARD! The benefits of this is literally AMAZING! Im on day 54 and its literally the craziest thing like I have a lot more healing to do but it is so much easier to resist temptations and not PMO. Its almost a little too easy right now maybe because I am in between a flatline rlight now.

Honestly I love that my partner is a guy because I have read of so many men girlfriends and fiancee's being so hurt and some of them leaving them because of this. MY heart tells me your gf is going to stay with you. IT is going to be very tense and hard but as long as you are continuing the path everyday and assuring her it will be okay. Each day that goes by and you resist PMO you will not have that guilt and anxiousness upon your heart so you will be more confident in assuring her because you will know in your heart you are being truthful even if she is doubting you or thinking that you are lying.

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks Newman.  You are totally right.  It has always been so hard to actually stick to my goal of quitting because the downsides of PMO never felt real.  I had never had PIED, it had never visibly harmed my relationship.  But now it's real, I can see what it does, whether or not I lie.  So the only way I can fix things is by staying clean and being honest, which sounds obvious, but that's the deep understanding I need when I'm having an urge and I may try to rationalize it as ok. 

The men I have told have all understood what I am going through much more clearly than women.  I guess it's just the nature of the beast.  She doesn't really understand but it doesn't matter. 

Regardless, today is day 4.  I have a shit ton of work to do, but I am meeting some friends to play some games later.  I hope that'll get my mind off things.

 

[wwalker19]

I'm miserable, everything fucking sucks, I just want this shit to be done with.  It sucks to know you've so royally fucked things up there's no putting them back together.  In four years we've never been anything like this.  She's all I have and She resents me right now.  I can't even comfort her because it's all my fault we're in this mess and why should she believe anything I say anyway.  I wish I could start fresh.

I wish i could exist in a vacuum to put all this back together without having to deal with all of life's bullshit.  Nothing feels like it matters in comparison.  It just makes me want to vomit, I wish I could get rid of all these awful feelings.  She's my rock and I feel adrift without her.  It feels ridiculous to even be complaining about myself right now.  She's innocent in all this, she didn't ask to be stuck with me in this.  I dunno.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know that there's anything to do.  But living every day just being around someone who once loved you and now just doesn't is possibly the worst thing I've ever experienced.

Fuck me I guess.  I want out

 

[Chris Oz]

Hey man, calm down. It's gonna be alright. I like that you have extra motivation to get this done. And I know how much you love her but realize that you're doing this primarily to change you for the better, not for her to love you.

I want you to also go back to @sanders forum. He had this similar dilemma and read his success story...how his marriage that almost got broken and his wife who was almost about to divorce him changed for the better.

Just have faith and more importantly focus. At this time is the time that you are most vulnerable.You need great vision and conviction, great friends and Community and great systems. It's now or never!
You can do it

Keep Pushing back
Chris

 

[wwalker19]

Hey Chris, you're absolutely right.  This is when I am most vulnerable.  This is a huge opportunity for me, I feel like I haven't had this level of clarity or control in my process so far, so I want to capitalize on it, but I could also throw myself into hot water if I get too upset about it.  We're in a rough spot to be sure but I also know we'll come back from it as long as I stay solid, which is the best motivation ever. 

It's tough to be in the midst of all this when I'm not even around anyone but her, and the shift was so dramatic.  It feels very heavy.  I want things to be normal again but part of me worries I'll forget this motivation if they go back to normal.  Though this was pretty bad, I can't imagine forgetting.  I'm not going to miss this chance though.  This is the time.

 

[wwalker19]

Things turned around for the better tonight. Felling happier.  I'm headed to bed now but she is much warmer again.  I will not lose steam or motivation though.

 

[avi]

Things will continue to get better as long as you have your eye of the prize, wwalker19! Good luck and God speed.

 

[wwalker19]

Thanks Avi! 

Today is day 5, it's been honestly pretty tough in the last several weeks to be clean this long so I'm happy.  I definitely have the right perspective again.  It's wild how easily you can slip from that mindset.  But my things between me and my gf last night were much better.  Hopefully it continues, we will see.  Today is gonna be a lot of work for me though, a bunch of statistics and writing.  So i'll be busy, but I'm happy.  Thank you all for sticking with me.

We're in this together.

 

[Chris Oz]

I'm happy things are looking up.keep pushing

 

[wwalker19]

Day 5 went well.  Things feel like they're getting back to normal with the missus.  Which is good.  I still have the motivation though, I experienced some extremely serious financial stress today as well as academic frustration with an assignment, and I maintained composure and stayed in control, which just makes me feel more confident that I can do this.  We are not currently being intimate, which I think is for the best.  I want some time to reset, and I want to make our first time together again special.  It will be good when we get there.  Until then I still need to work hard to earn back her trust and to improve myself for my own sake too.  I had started to feel the clarity of being clean after two weeks or so earlier in my recovery, I want to get back there and past it.  I'm excited for what this journey has to give me, so nothing can stop me now.

We're in this together!  Peace out gents.