Today is day 17. I am looking down the barrel of a very busy and stressful week. I am alone in the house today and tomorrow, and things have been good leading up to now.
This morning I started to relapse. I'm gonna call it a half relapse, because I used my girlfriend's laptop but I just couldn't be ok with actually watching porn. I would start to search for things, then stop and close out. I did that 3 or 4 times, and then I just MO'd to old pictures of her that she had sent to me in the past. Afterwards I changed the password and sent it to my brother, informing him I'd tell her when she gets home and give her the password to change it to something I don't know.
Obviously this isn't the sort of behavior I want, seeking it out and MO'ing to images. But you know what? I think in the past I have been way too harsh on myself. The past 17 days have been good in large part because my circumstances have improved. I have been less stressed and more social, and happier. That has carried over into not wanting porn so badly. I was in a bad circumstance this morning, alone and very stressed. I acted out, but I mitigated the damage and prevented myself from doing it again. I know a few months ago I would've binged hard on tube sites and left the computer accessible to use again. So that's progress. I am going to keep working to make sure my environment is safe from porn for myself, which helps when my circumstances aren't ideal, and otherwise I am going to keep working towards improving my circumstances. That's where I see progress.
Because I am trying to be less harsh on myself this time through and because I only looked at my partner, I am going to continue with my day counter. All that matters is how I frame it, and I feel positive. I know I am feeling better and doing better. So if this sort of relapse happens again, I will reset, but this is my one gray-area pass I'll give myself here.
Now I need to actually sit down and do all the work that I'm stressed about. Bleh. Looking forward to being done.