My Recovery Journal

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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 25

Today was a big struggle. Really had some strong urges today that I had to endure through. The trigger was very slight and I got too over-confident in my flesh. I was really caught off guard by the intensity of the urges, but I basically grit my teeth and tried my best and managed to get through. And I'm so glad I did! I love the feeling of being able to look bad with a clear mind and be so happy that I didn't give into temptation. I also finished my semester today which was great! I'm looking forward to Christmas and getting some cool gifts now. Will start looking for a program to learn some piano over winter break. Going to be more watchful and cautious tomorrow to really avoid triggers and keep myself safe. I hope whoever reading this is doing well! Your guys' support is a big help.
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 26

Today was absolutely brutal. Had urges basically 70% of the time I was awake, there were just constant and out of nowhere. I don't recall any notable triggers. Just the slightest associations with basically anything and I was assaulted with an hour's worth of sexual thoughts. Thankfully I managed to fight them off (barely) and didn't MO or PMO. I didn't get close to PMO, but I wanted to just MO so I don't have to be bothered with the urges. But I know that when that happens, its destroys my momentum and sets me up to PMO and fail. The accountability from this forum and knowing that I had to write this entry at the end of my day really helped me to fight off the urges and make it through the day. I was somewhat productive today and I felt as though I did all the right things, but I guess some days are just gonna be tough and its not really in my control. The neural networks from years of PMO are just firing off at the slightest discomfort or emotional turbulence I experience. But I'm hanging in there and I have a good feeling that tomorrow will be better. Thanks everyone!
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 27

Today was MUCH better than the past couple days. Not sure what exactly happened or if God simply answered my prayers, but I had only a few urges and avoided most triggers. Was productive, exercised, studied, started practicing piano, and spent time with friends. The small, incremental victories are piling up and I can see genuine recovery at the end of the tunnel! It is stunning to think about how nearly the entirely of my sexually aware life as been characterized by PMO. Life without PMO seems almost like unrecognizable and strange. But I guess, life without PMO just looks like my life for the past 27 days while being much easier and better! Thanks everyone for you support and I hope to close the first 4 weeks strong.
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Congrats on day 27! I want you to please look into what's causing the urges and go into things that can keep your spirit on the high, things that will build you mentally and spiritually, meditative sessions maybe. I'm saying this cause I see you're barely hanging on and from my experience, it's only a matter of time before you give up to a relapse.

So please try man, I'm vying for you. You've come too far to give up
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 28

Today was okay. I got through smoothly, had some urges here and there but nothing too crazy. Had more thoughts than usual, because I didn't get as much sleep as usual last night so I found myself more tired and bored today (that's usually when thoughts and memories strike). But things are improving a lot from those weird sudden, intense urges from a couple days ago. I feel confident going through 4 weeks of no PMO, and I'm sticking to a good daily schedule. Might add some extra tasks to my to-do lists to help fill up more time, but other than that I feel positive!

Thanks for the feedback Chris. I did take your advice and spent some extra time in prayer today. The urges that I got today I discovered were from boredom/tiredness. So I'm going to sleep earlier tonight to make sure I get the full 8 hours necessary to feel good. I'm still not sure where those super strong urges came from a few days ago, but I am going to focus on spending more time in prayer and self-discipline to prepare for them if they return again in the future. I really appreciate your advice, I needed a good warning to keep me on my toes and humble!
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 29

Today was a breeze. Had the usual morning wood, but I got over it and went to the gym. Apart from that, didn't have many sexual thoughts at all. It was a productive day and I had a lot to do which occupied by time and prevented me from being idle. Everything seems to be going just fine, but I'm still staying watchful. Tomorrow is the one-month-of-no-PMO mark for me, very excited! 1/3 of the way from the 90-day goal of recovery (I'm still prepared to go as long as possible beyond 90 days with the forum until recovery is achieved, but 90 is the tentative goal as of now). Thanks everyone for the support, this reboot nation has helped me a lot! Praying for you guys.
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 30

Today was okay. Had some urges around morning time, but managed to put them away and push on. Was a fairly average day; exercised, studied, read, prayed, the usual. I'm glad and thankful to God that I managed to get through a month of no PMO! I am becoming more confident about recovery, and am aware how crucial this next month is; to build this momentum into an unstoppable snowball. This recovery journal has helped a lot. I've also been developing spiritually and I can notice it in myself that my character has grown by God's grace which I am glad about. I'm still praying often and trying to maintain humility, prudence, and caution as I advance into completing week 5. I am optimistic and looking forward to give a positive update tomorrow for day 31 through Him!
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 31

Today was fantastic. Had little to no urges that I can recall. Spent the day exercising, reading, with family and friends. Did have some irritable moments that in hindsight seemed like they were kinda random, perhaps caused by my body during this process of recovery but I'm not sure. Nothing too big though, I was glad that I was able to repent of my bitterness and rumination soon after (jiu-jitsu practice helped me to re-center and clear my mind). I'm loving this life of no PMO even though it has been only a month so far and I still have a long way to go. But I can't wait to recover and improve my life at last and rip this thorn out of my side. Looking forward to tomorrow, one day at a time!

Thank you for your encouragement Chris!
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 32

Today was pretty good. I spent it with friends, physically exercising, reading, and eating some good food. I drank a Monster energy; will never do again. Had some urges in the middle of the day during the midday blues, but I got past it. I feel my body and brain slowly rewiring and adjusting, it feels weird and good to not have the constant guilt and shame of PMO on my conscience now since it has been a month. Still trying to stay humble, cautious, and alert to not fall or succumb to temptation. It's going great, and I'm getting triggered less and less often every day. Looking forward to completing 5 weeks!
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Lol, what happened with the monster drink?
I'm glad things are looking up for you. 5 weeks almost in the bag. ;D
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 33

Today was okay. Exercised, read, played some piano, hung out with family. Had some extra urges today because I really got weighed down from driving a lot (visited aunt and grandpa) and tiredness/boredom is a source of urges for me. It is crazy to think how much of a therapeutic role PMO has had for me for so long. Any emotional distress immediately was pacified with PMO since my adolescence. Quitting PMO has forced me to develop healthy habits and virtues to deal with emotional turbulence rather than just resorting to PMO. I feel like I'm seeing some of the fruits of my Christian witness to my aunt finally after almost a year which is really encouraging to me. 2 days away from the 5-week mark!

And I won't drink a Monster again because I'm not used to the caffeine and energy boost. It riled me up so much that I was just on edge and irritable for hours (which is another source of urges), was way too much. Lifting unintentionally killed much of my caffeine consumption and dependency, to the point where just half of the can sent me for the entire day lol.
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 34

Today was great. Exercised, read, felt good, and had a Christmas get-together with friends which was awesome. Had a few urges in the middle of the day which is becoming common. When the mid-day blues set in the urges arise, so I've started drinking some coffee around that time. Will probably start adjusting my routine around that time, maybe read in another room where somebody is around or read outside. Overall, a good day. Week 5 coming to a close tomorrow!
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 35

Today was great. Had a great time at church with friends, took a rest day to recover, read, and prayed. Didn't have any urges that I can remember which is an improvement. Did have some bad news from friends though. I think one of my close friends has begun to stray away, which greatly saddens me because we came to the Lord together and to see him break away and go back to bad habits is disappointing. Doesn't make me greatly depressed or anything, just saddened and its very painful. I plan on asking him about it tomorrow or Tuesday, hoping it is fruitful. Also, my accountability partner I found on this forum has ghosted me. Hasn't updated his journal since 12/10 or responded to my emails. Looking for a new one!

I'm glad I got through 5 weeks of no PMO! Looking to completing week 6 now. Thanks everyone for the support.
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey same thing with me, haven't seen my accountability partner for months now. Can you please be my accountability partner..... Pretty pretty please.

I feel we would connect a lot since we are both Christians  ;D
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 36

Today was really good. I had a conversation with my friend and I feel much better about where he is with the Lord which is a huge relief. I exercised a lot today, read, had a bible study with friends, ate well, and felt good throughout the day. Less urges and temptations, less sexual thoughts. Things are getting easier as the days go by. I've found that not even thinking about porn recovery helps with porn recovery as strange as that sounds. Just keeping the concept of P or anything sexual out of my consciousness helps to stay focused on healthy things and to avoid temptation. Things are going good and I feel much better personally now that I've made it this far. I never want to go back! Looking forward to Christmas!

Stay strong fellas.

And thanks lanebody for the encouragement. And I messaged you Chris about being accountability partners.
 
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worldlit4213

Active Member
DAY 37

Today was good. Was humble and simple. Although later on in the day around 9-10pm I got hit with some urges and thoughts that were fairly powerful. I played some video games in response to it to keep my mind off it, and it worked like a charm. First time playing a game in a week or so, I'm glad I don't find them nearly as enjoyable as when I was younger! But they still work when I need to get my mind of things and just "escape" for a bit and reset mentally. In sum, I exercised, read, chatted, and played some games. The material I'm reading recently has been rather boring and I'm not that enthusiastic about it, so I'm gonna switch it up soon. Boredom is a source of temptation for me. Anyway, thanks y'all for the support and I'm hunting for the 6 week mark with His help!
 
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