My Recovery Journal

[Chris Oz]

Really happy for your progress. The Exodus program seems really tough but I guess the rewards will probably be imense also spiritually and otherwise. I think you can try to find some more books and perhaps an art hobby like learning to draw, paint or write stories....etc.

Looking forward to 7 weeks for you!
Keep pushing back
Chris

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 49

Today was great. Got through 7 weeks! Feels surreal, but I hope that this streak will be the one that leads to recovery (trying to stay humble and cautious all the while). I went to church today, read, took my Sunday slow, played some piano, and overall really enjoyed my day. I ate really good too! I did have an extremely strange sexual dream last night, and I MO'd in the dream and felt very realistic shame and guilt, and was so thankful when I woke up and realized none of it was real. The Exodus 90 program starts tomorrow, so no more sweets or snacks (I indulged today in light of this haha). I feel like the program will be very fruitful. As a hobby to occupy time until the semester starts in light of this 90 day program, I got a Notre Dame Cathedral Lego Set! It's a bit childish of course, but I've always liked Legos as a kid and seeing my friend's kids get Legos for Christmas made me envious haha. It's a complicated set for adults, so I'm hoping it's efficient at taking up time in a healthy cerebral way. Spring semester starts in 3 weeks, so once that gets going I won't have to worry about not having things to do anymore. Looking ahead to complete week 8 now! I love my life without P and I love God for healing and repairing my brokenness and always giving me a second chance at being with Him.

Thanks for the encouragement! Everyone's help is indispensable.

 

[Chris Oz]

Congrats, keep staying Woke!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 50

Today was awesome. Lifted, read, wrote, prayed, jiu-jitsu, and bible study. Only a few temptations/thoughts, but nothing significant. It's the first day of the Exodus 90 day program. The cold showers were difficult initially, but I'm getting used to it quickly and they're great. Not using my phone and laptop for unnecessary/entertainment purposes is opening up my day. I'm curious to see how I change after these three months without hearing anything about politics, the globe, or entertainment. I feel as though my world will shrink back to my immediate context (which is where I believe it should be!). The holy hour they have us do is refreshing. I'm managing to keep my schedule filled thankfully which was a concern I had, but it's all good. Listening to more music and reading more now since I can't watch YouTube videos, livestreams, or play video games. Everything seems to be going well thanks to the Lord. I hope you all are doing well!

 

[Chris Oz]

I kinda wish I could join you. But I feel it will be too overwhelming for me. Plus I have some business online with keeping my Twitter page active and learning different things about forex and IT through the internet.

Maybe sometime this year with a slightly watered down version

But wow DAY 50, can't tell you how proud I am of you.
Keep pushing back
Chris

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 51

Today was amazing. Lifted, read, helped out, had dinner with the family, built some legos, and witnessed to my dad and mom. I feel like I did well and made some progress with my dad especially; it's a goal of 2021 for me to convert my dad or at least try my best to. I did have some temptations around the middle of the day, but the Holy Hour that's now a part of my daily routine really helped me out immensely. I'm already reaping the fruits of it, and it's a great spiritual exercise for me to clear my mind and find rest with the Lord for an hour. I'm quickly adjusting to the cold showers, and it's not as difficult as I thought to put down the YouTube and just listen to uplifting music and audiobooks instead. All is well and I'm so thankful! Looking to complete week 8.

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 52

Today was great. I didn't exercise, but I read and wrote a lot. Didn't have really any thoughts, temptations, or urges today because I was so occupied with writing. I discovered three other undergraduate journals that have their deadlines in only a little over a week, so I'm gonna grind out three papers to submit and hopefully get accepted. A new challenge! I'm also just finishing up a paper for a journal to submit tomorrow. I've been working on this one for a while. Today I had to fast, and it was pretty tough. Because of lifting and jiu-jitsu, my body is used to consuming a ton of calories. Restricting it to no meat, only one full meal, and two small ones was arduous. The hunger hurt, I was very irritable, and it was very difficult for me to concentrate. I got through it though thankfully. Looks like my schedule is completely packed with writing now! Be careful what you wish for I guess. Almost to completing week 8! Praying for you guys, stay strong.

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 53

Today was awesome. I went to jiu-jitsu, got a full night's rest, and did a ton of writing. Had very little thoughts, urges, or temptations. I managed to complete and submit my a paper that I've been working on for a while to an undergrad journal. I'm making great progress with the other papers so far and I'm feeling optimistic about getting at least 1 published. I'm feeling healthier and better in general since cutting out sugar. I'm starting to eat healthier in general to try and lose some weight and get leaner. Everything seems to be going well. I'm hoping tomorrow's fast goes better than yesterday's haha! I hope you guys are doing well too!

 

[Chris Oz]

Nice to know how it's going with you. You're doing really great. And what a way to fill in the time with writing.

Wanted to drop my username for the victory app: chrisowemz

Keep pushing
Chris

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 54

Today was great. It was really productive. Went to the gym, fasted well, read, and wrote a ton. I nearly finished writing one of the three papers (I think I'm only going to write two because the third journal isn't responding regarding when their deadline is) and I think I did a really good job on it. Still have to run it by a professor or two to check it out. Had little to no thoughts at all because I was engaged in writing for the majority of the day. I really enjoy it! The fast went much better than Wednesday's thankfully. I feel like I'm a little lax when it comes to making sure I'm not using the phone unnecessarily though. It's just such a strong habit of mine to see it, grab it, open YouTube, and aimlessly look for something to watch. Not that big of a deal, but I'd like to maybe be more intentional about avoiding it. Other than that, life is great! Looking to close out week 8 soon.

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 55

Today was good. Lifted and wrote basically the entire day. Had little to no sexual thoughts. Did a lot of revising and cleaning up of a paper. Just have to get it reviewed by a professor or two, make some more adjustments, then submit it! I got to get to work on the second paper. I don't think I can complete three, but the third journal hasn't responded to me about their deadline so they're loss I guess haha! I ate good and felt good. Had some midday blues today. Also was met with some disappointing, disillusioning news, but it felt good. Sometimes sad news can almost be a reality-check and make me return to the Lord with compunction and a deeper desire for healing. Don't want to get too much into that though.
Looking forward to completing week 8 tomorrow!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 56

Today was great. Completed week 8 feeling awesome! Went to church, did some jiu-jitsu, wrote a lot, read some good books and an essay, and watched a new episode of my favorite show that came out today. Had little to no sexual thoughts or anything else concerning lust. The writing really has helped to just occupy my mind and keep me focused on good things. I've lost a few pounds this week since cutting out snacks and sugars. I still want to eat healthier meals though and less fast food. I have become more lax when it comes to restricting consumption of unnecessary media, but I'm still keeping it to a very low amount and the content is mostly for edification. Last thing I want is to go too hardcore and then relapse. The founder of Exodus90 himself said to not be so austere or anxious about being super-strict in following the rules, just to try your best instead and focus on growing with the Lord rather than accomplishing a challenge or suffering for the sake of it. Cold showers are still uncomfortable! I'm now looking towards the 60-day mark. Nearly 2/3 of the way to the 90 day goal! This has been a surreal journey, thank you everyone. I'm reminding myself to stay humble, alert, and to focus on God as the source of my healing and not resorting to self-reliance.

I hope you all are doing well!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 57

Welp, I guess I made my day 56 entry too soon! Unfortunately I MO'd last night, but no P thankfully. The same two core bad habits hit me really hard all at once; ruminating about something stupid and not sleeping. I couldn't sleep because I was ruminating (maybe because I was hungry? not sure), and I got hit with super strong thoughts and temptation. I feel really ashamed of myself because that's only 11 days since the previous MO, which is much too soon for my liking. At least now I have solidified in my mind basically the two things that I must at all costs avoid; ruminating and not sleeping. I have my melatonin ready just in case and some stress relief tea! I should probably try taking a nice bath or making watching an enjoyable show to relieve my stress. I'm still doing Exodus 90, but I'm not gonna be legalistic and not watch a funny youtube video and possibly allow myself to sin. It is disappointing and it hurts my heart that I MO'd, but I'm not dwelling on it. I prayed a lot today and read Psalm 51 as per usual. Just need to reset and push forward. Have to be careful about the next few days for the chaser effect too. Still going 56 days w/o PMO which is awesome. Looking forward to completing the second third of this 90 day reboot process. Although I suspect that I might have to go longer than 90 days. I feel like I'll be good if I can go 30 days with no PMO and no MO. But, who knows. We'll get there when we get there. Today was depressing but I feel better after a lot of contrite prayers for mercy and I ended it feeling great after bible study and some hard work on my paper.

Thanks everyone and I hope y'all are doing well!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 58

Today was great. Had little to no thoughts or temptations. Exercised, wrote, read, and watched a film and spent time with my mom. I felt sort of worn out after just hammering papers for the past week, and it was nice to just sit back and watch a movie with some goldfish with my mom. I feel better now that two days stand between me and when I MO'd, the guilt subsides with time and prayer. I feel good and refreshed as I close out my day with this entry, all is well in my world today. I'm making a concerted effort to prevent ruminating and tiredness. I find that a big source of rumination is hunger and "hangry".

I hope you guys are having a good day!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 59

Today was great. Had little to no thoughts or temptations. Exercised a lot, wrote a lot, and went to bible study. The guilt is gone. I actually taught the jiu-jitsu class tonight which I enjoyed. I felt as though I was productive and watchful, did a good job. My fast was great, I made sure to eat on time so I don't ruminate and feel hangry. I'm really glad that I'm gonna finish and turn in these papers tomorrow, they're all I've been working on for the past week! Looking forward to completing two months tomorrow. One month left to my 90-day goal! I couldn't do this without all of your support. Stay strong!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 60

Made it to the 2/3 mark! Today was great. Had little to no thoughts or temptations. I lifted, went to jiu-jitsu, wrote, and ate good. I submitted one of my papers (finally), and I'm going to submit the other one tomorrow. So glad I'm getting done with this. I'm going to try to relax for the next week after this so I can be refreshed and mentally ready for my semester to start. Gonna take the exodus 90 thing more lax for that week, but not too much. Just going to be more liberal about technology use and gaming. The cold showers, exercise, prayer, and exclusion of sweets has been great. I've lost 6 pounds so far, and my aim is to get to 200lbs (I'm at 216 right now; I'm in shape but I could be much leaner and lighter). Exodus 90 couldn't have come at a better time either since it opened up a ton of time and removed distractions so I could write these papers! Going to the beach tomorrow with some friends which will be awesome.

One month left till the 90-day goal! Thanks everyone!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 61

Today was incredible. Had little to no sexual thoughts or temptations. I at last submitted the remaining paper and have completed this challenging week or so of writing. I spent the rest of the day in fellowship with great friends before two of them depart for missionary work for an extended length of time. I took things easy and indulged in some sweets and good food. I'm looking forward to unwinding this next week and setting aside some of the more intellectual activities in exchange for other hobbies and time with the Lord. Undistracted from papers, I feel as though I can be more attentive and intentional in prayer, spend time on practicing piano, and play some games if I have the time. It's incredible what the Lord has done for me and I'm grateful for the healing He has done in my life.

Looking forward to completing week 9! Keep pushing guys!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 62

Today was great. Had little to no sexual thoughts. Trained, fasted, gamed, and just was laid back. Had a good time chillin out after a long grind of writing and before school starts in a week. Gonna do the same tomorrow. I do like having a consistent routine that is productive, but taking some days off to unwind is refreshing. I do wish I took set some more time to the Lord. I found that my spiritual practices were tied together with my routine, so without the routine its difficult to keep up with prayers and such. Nonetheless, I enjoyed today. Looking forward to completing week 9 tomorrow and unwinding more. Today I fasted, but tomorrow... I'm not haha.

Keep going guys!

 

[laneboy]

Ehy, you are doing great! Keep pushing and you?ll succeed achieving 90 days!

 

[worldlit4213]

DAY 63


Today was great. Went to church, rested, played video games, had a steak, spent time with family, had a good talk with a friend, and watched my show. Did my Holy Hour too. I'm going to ease back into my routine this week with just less intense intellectual activity. Had little to no sexual temptations or thoughts. Did have a wake up call though that I need to maintain my prayer life and spiritual activity. I started briefly to think that if I get spiritually mature enough that I'd be able to no longer need to watch for temptation and I could let my guard down; like sin would just be less of a threat. I realized that this is the totally wrong way to think and that I need to always strive to be as far away as possible from sin like P. All in all, a relaxing and wonderful day. So happy I completed week 9! In a couple weeks if I stay strong this will be my longest streak ever. Looking forward to completing week 10!