Yeah...I am very much the same. I have been relapsing every couple of days so much so that I'm not really considering it relapsing at the moment. It's not really helpful to think about it like that (right now). The only positive is I'm not doing really long binges of awful degrading stuff. Just regular semi-degrading stuff. Sigh.
[This is going to be a long post]
I have a feeling this is to do with the SSRIs having completely worn off now. My mood and energy actually feels alright. Especially the energy. I have literally two or three times the amount of energy before. Even after I relapse, which makes me feel more tired the next day - I still have more energy then compared to 2 months clean and on the SSRIs.
I think what is enabling me to keep going is that I'm a) off work and b) seeing a psychologist. The latter is going to be able to help me I think, but maybe the downside of this is that I'm relapsing because I feel safe in a way - I am hoping he will be able to fix me. Strangely, and this may be some weird justification, but when I relapse now I see more clearly why I'm doing it, and that somehow takes the sting out of it. For example today I had a pretty good day and got a lot done. However I didn't get much sleep (3-4 hours) due to a house party last night. So I had a couple of teas and one coffee to amp me up to get through the day (and I took a short nap too). By 5pm I was beat, and I *knew* that I was going to be tempted by porn. I know I want it when I think: "I'm tired and cbf doing anything, but I also cbf having a nap and also don't want to have a nap as it will screw my sleeping patterns". When I have that thought I feel tired, lethargic, bored and in a semi-zombie state. Then I look at porn. Porn, somehow, gives me my energy back. The tiredness leaves me as I go into the hypnotic click click click pattern. Then after the relapse is over (it went for two hours today (!) from 5pm to about 7pm - compulsive much), I still feel a bit tired but actually a bit more energised and ready to do stuff again.
I don't knwo what the hell is going on with the above but I'm fairly sure my brain is really not working properly.
Now that I re-read all this, I think I need to give up caffeine again. I have no issue with caffeine per se, but I think for people like me who are struggling with addiction, it is actually quite dangerous. The caffeine pushes my alertness levels up but when they drop they seem to go into a red zone where a relapse is more likely.
Blah, that is a lot of analysis.
The other thing I want to write down here is that my psychologist is encouraging me to identify the thought>feeling>behaviour pattern, and then come up with different behaviours than porn to deal with those feelings. So, for example:
Thought: "I'm tired and bored. CBF doing music or watching TV! What should I do? Hmm"
Feeling: Tiredness, indfference, boredom
Action: Porn! Or sometimes nap, but most often porn.
Not rocket science eh. Replace the action with something else. Obviously I have been trying to do this, almost completely unsuccessfully for almost the last 20 years.
However I had a bit of an epiphany last night while thinking about this in bed. Instead of attacking the problem at the action point, which is kind of the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff approach, maybe I should change my environment and daily structure so I'm not having those thoughts in the first place. I can't change my genetics, but I can change my environment. My environment at the moment has developed in a way that really pushes me towards porn. This is because:
- I live alone
- I'm off work
- I have a decent amount of money
- I have no responsibilities (no GF, children)
- I have friends but they never 'pop in'
- My hobbies are very much focused on the computer or a TV (music production, DJing, gaming, online shopping, movies/TV)
- I have a very structured daily routine that, again, mainly involves the computer with some limited social interaction and outside time.
I have probably developed my life like this for a couple of reasons. 1) I'm quite shy and sensitive so over time I have withdrawn from society, and this has gathered pace as I've gained the ability to do it more and more (e.g. being able to afford to live by myself was only an option since a few years ago). 2) This structure is conducive to porn use.
In fact, I think my porn use thrives on this life structure. Or put another way, porn use helps me MAINTAIN this structure. I'm able to get my sexual and excitement needs met through porn and I can keep doing all of the above things. If I do decide to go out socially, and it doesn't go well, I can come home and satisfy myself with porn. The structure is quite sustainable in an extremely maladaptive way.
This is why using things like Covenant Eyes or will power to white knuckle my way through is never going to work. They are like a pathetic amount of power against all the structural forces I have in place that are maintaining the addiction.
So I have some decisions to make I guess. Continue living within this structure and keep hoping (pretending?) that I'm going to stop looking at porn. Or, start breaking down the structure and replace it with different things. Like, instead of living by myself, move in with a housemate. Or take up a hobby that requires a lot of outside time, like a sport.
This is so so SO much easier said than done. In some ways I really like my current life. IN fact, if I could ditch the porn and keep everything else the same I would basically. But I don't think anything is going to change if I go down that path.
Long post. That's pretty much everything. I know I've said this a million times, but it is so helpful to write things down here. All the noise and confused thoughts become a coherent package when you've written them down. And then your brain stops bringing up the thoughts over and over again.
