What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Member
Journal. Day 63.

Well, today has been a mixed day. I woke up in the morning after a dream about P. There's nothing to do about that. The day went just fine. Some really great things happened: I decided to take a run through the park! I haven't exercised in a long time and It felt like an achievement. I finished all of my daily goals and I had a lot of energy. The worst thing that happened today was that I was looking at the YouTube front page and saw a clickbait video with a girl taking of her top. It had millions of views. Without even thinking about it, I clicked on the video and searched through it to find the thumbnail part. Thankfully it was just clickbait and there wasn't any nudity but I still made the choice to  actively search for nudity. That must have activated a part of my brain that I want to get rid off.  Afterwards, I sort of woke up and felt a bit bad about it. Another part of me was sad that I hadn't fallen down the slippery slope. I feel like I have two different people living inside my being. One part of me is annoyed that I wont allow myself the pleasure of watching P or masturbating. That part doesn't understand that I stand to gain so much more in the long run by leaving that part of my life behind me and that the feelings of discomfort is temporary. What can I do to prevent this from happening again? Firstly, I will not go to the YouTube front page anymore. I will only watch certain channels. Secondly, I will keep applying my strategies and not forget about this struggle and become complacent. Even If I don't feel urges all the time, It can come suddenly like today and place me back where I started again in no time at all. When something triggers me again I have to have the strength to just say no and not  throw away my life. When the urge comes again I must make the right choice! Even If I don't want to!
 
To minimize distraction on Youtube you can disable the front page from showing you videos. You can do that by installing an add-on called Stylus (be sure to install Stylus and not Stylish, the latter has been known to gather information about the user). It allows you to edit the way websites look. Once you have the add-on installed, go on Youtube. Then click on the add-on and select "Write a style" (or rather, click on the link) From there, a window will open.

Paste this bit of CSS in (everything you see):

ytd-rich-grid-renderer.style-scope  {
    display: none;
    }

Now just click "Save" and you're done, the reccomendations won't be displayed. Hope this helps. Being on mobile is a whole different story, you can't disable anything.
 

smeagle44

Member
Hey brother, I've been reading your journal and it's very inspiring. I too like you had no strategy to deal with my urges and every time they came I succumbed to them. I'm on day 17, and I resolved to try my best to notice and catch every urge when it rises up, and to sit with the urge, identify it, and be present with it until it goes away. Since then I've had 4 or 5 urges where I've successfully gotten through them.
 

Emptyroom

Member
bigdawg24 said:
Hey brother, I've been reading your journal and it's very inspiring. I too like you had no strategy to deal with my urges and every time they came I succumbed to them. I'm on day 17, and I resolved to try my best to notice and catch every urge when it rises up, and to sit with the urge, identify it, and be present with it until it goes away. Since then I've had 4 or 5 urges where I've successfully gotten through them.

That's really awesome! Thank you for that comment and good luck brother! :)
 

Emptyroom

Member
Journal. Day 65.

Damn. I feel like I might have taken a step towards relapse today. It feels like every hurdle I meet is worse than the last one. Now I went to a site where I could have encountered serious heavy triggers. It was a body contact site. I just read the text and held my hand over any triggering pictures. I was thinking about joining and searching for a temporary sexual partner. I was horny. Then I just suddenly just lost the urge. It was strange. I started a tinder profile. It ended with me talking with someone that I might want to start a real relationship with instead. I'm not sure if this was a good step for me at this time. I think that I would prefer a relationship over just abstaining. It's not good if I just use someone as a sexual outlet though. Maybe this is what I'm actually doing. The main focus for me should be to abstain from PMO. I guess it's better to search for an outlet in reality than with P. If it would be in the right way. Should I wait even more before I try to meet people? Until 90 days? Will that make a difference for me?
With all the triggering things that has happened, I'm thinking that I am riding on a negative-butterfly effect.
But I feel just fine otherwise. I feel good about my studies and I am not worried about things. What can I do? I will do some of my strategies and read stuff and keep the goal of my journey in my mind. I'm not sure if I should remove tinder. I think that I probably should but I feel lonely. Maybe its better to search for a partner than to be alone with my computer. Maybe the answer will come to me tomorrow. The answer is probably the hardest one. To just abstain and not try to meet anyone for a long while.

I have been thinking about if I have been to deterministic about my setbacks. That I have diminished the role of my own willpower and the fact that I have to make hard choices at critical times. That in the end it really is my irresponsibility that would lead me to a relapse.
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey,

You're doing well on passing the two month mark, congrats! For YouTube I have the Google SafeSearch enabled. It blocks really well and there's none of these suggestive videos as you describe. Regarding the dating or finding some person, that's really up to you. As you also said, I don't think it's a good thing to use a person as a sexual outlet. After my wife found out a lot of things started making sense to her, sex felt to her like I used her body to masturbate. Now that's messed up and something I really don't ever want again. Actively looking for sex with a person for the sake of sex doesn't help much in recovering I think. I imagine that it's just a form of replacement to the brain and not really a connection. However, developing a real relationship can be a really good thing and doesn't have to have this pure sexual focus.

There's quite some things to consider given your personal situation but if you're looking for a connection to be with someone that's a good thing. If you search for someone just to aid you in your rehabilitation it can be harmful as well to both. I do have to stress that I don't have any experience in this and I'm just sharing my thoughts. I think simply writing out these thoughts of yours has already been helpful and it's good that you're actively finding motivation and reasons.

Keep it up! You're doing well :)
 

Emptyroom

Member
Sanders said:
Hey,

You're doing well on passing the two month mark, congrats! For YouTube I have the Google SafeSearch enabled. It blocks really well and there's none of these suggestive videos as you describe. Regarding the dating or finding some person, that's really up to you. As you also said, I don't think it's a good thing to use a person as a sexual outlet. After my wife found out a lot of things started making sense to her, sex felt to her like I used her body to masturbate. Now that's messed up and something I really don't ever want again. Actively looking for sex with a person for the sake of sex doesn't help much in recovering I think. I imagine that it's just a form of replacement to the brain and not really a connection. However, developing a real relationship can be a really good thing and doesn't have to have this pure sexual focus.

There's quite some things to consider given your personal situation but if you're looking for a connection to be with someone that's a good thing. If you search for someone just to aid you in your rehabilitation it can be harmful as well to both. I do have to stress that I don't have any experience in this and I'm just sharing my thoughts. I think simply writing out these thoughts of yours has already been helpful and it's good that you're actively finding motivation and reasons.

Keep it up! You're doing well :)


Thank you Sanders,

I was a bit to horny last night. I guess the positive thing about it was that I wasn't drawn to P but to having real sex. But it's still not good. Yep! What you're saying makes perfect sense. I deleted my tinder profile just now. It was just about me using people as objects again. It was never about finding a real relationship. I was lying to myself.

This experience helped me a bit though because it redirected my horniness away from using P in the moment and the fact that a lot of people liked my tinder-profile gave me some confidence in myself. It was the right thing for me to remove it though. Thanks for helping me realizing it.

It is a problematic situation that I'm now in. I have such a high sexual energy in me now that I can't see things straight. It makes me, in horny moments, start to see people as objects and that makes it hard for me to find a genuine relationship that isn't focused on sex.
I have been in this situation before: On my second streak, I went 145 days on hard mode. At day 145 I felt like I had become so focused on sex that people had turned into objects for me again but this time without the influence of P. What I did then was to M to release sexual energy (It was also just an excuse I told myself so I could feel good in the moment). The sensation was very unsatisfactory. I thought that it would be a powerful experience after all that time but it wasn't. Directly after that I stopped having that ultra high sexual energy and I started to see things straight again. Still I wished that I hadn't done it. It put my mind in a low and uncomfortable state. I had been thinking about meeting a stranger then but after my M session I couldn't understand how the heck I had been thinking. It looked like I had done the right thing but then I had the chaser-effect. I kept M:ing for three days and then I had a full on relapse and began a month where I binged to P every day. I didn't get past 10 days after that for almost two years.

I wouldn't dare to try M:ing away my sexual energy again because it could lead to a relapse just like before. I need to do some research on how to handle my sexual energy. Maybe there is some yoga or something. I will also try to focus on other things. Developing in other ways. I will try to avoid thinking about sex and cure my loneliness with my friends instead.

Another factor that made me go to a body contact site is that I, in my horniness, suddenly have become bi-curious and I have been thinking about being used by a man. The thought have excited me. I don't think that I really want this because I'm ordinarily not attracted to men physically and when I stop being horny I find the thought to be a bit off-putting for me. I know that If I M:ed now I would suddenly lose the interest for this but as I said I'm not ready to do that. Could this be the influence of P? In the past I have escalated to that sort of material but I'm pretty sure that it isn't my natural state. Maybe it's natural to be curious but I think that It would go against the way of not objectifying people. I'm glad that I have come to my senses now even though I feel like a leaf blowing in the wind.
 

Rob_91

Member
Hey congrats on achieving 2months+
I recognize what triggers you as triggers of my own. I feel like whenever there's a woman on a screen, no matter the level of nudity, i get a bit triggered. So i've really cut down on screen time in general, bought some interesting books that i've been having a good time reading (one of them is Your brain on porn which i really recommend if you haven't already read it). Fortunately i've also got an old house to work on in my free time, which can be a great distraction from any thoughts and cravings towards porn.
Also exercise works great for me, get a free body weight exercise app for you phone and you get help with exercises you can do everywhere anytime and without having to rely on a gym being open or not.
Keep up the great work!
/Rob
 

Emptyroom

Member
Rob_91 said:
Hey congrats on achieving 2months+
I recognize what triggers you as triggers of my own. I feel like whenever there's a woman on a screen, no matter the level of nudity, i get a bit triggered. So i've really cut down on screen time in general, bought some interesting books that i've been having a good time reading (one of them is Your brain on porn which i really recommend if you haven't already read it). Fortunately i've also got an old house to work on in my free time, which can be a great distraction from any thoughts and cravings towards porn.
Also exercise works great for me, get a free body weight exercise app for you phone and you get help with exercises you can do everywhere anytime and without having to rely on a gym being open or not.
Keep up the great work!
/Rob

Thanks Rob and thanks for the good tips! I should reduce my screen time too. I don't have a smartphone which helps me but I spend a lot of my time on the computer. I should plan out some non computer time. I could start some fun project to maybe. I also have some books on my shelf that just sit there. The hard thing for me is to get the willpower to start reading more and doing other things. I think that I will start by doing very little and then build up my habits with time.
Have a great day Rob!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Journal. day 63

I feel like a mess. I just made another tinder account. I feel so torn and uncomfortable. I feel like giving up and starting another time with this journey but I know that I'm only trying to trick myself and it's humiliating. I know that I'm not horny because I'm completely flaccid. I just crave those chemicals in my brain. It is so hard fighting with my own will. Suddenly I have just forgotten all the things that motivated me to start this journey again. It's really incredible. I know the reasons somewhere in my head and I will write them down here:
1. I want to feel those subtle feelings that I could feel as a kid again. It is possible. I have done it before.
2. I don't want to feel anxiety about a hidden secret P-life
3. I feel anxiety about escalation and it would change my real natural sexuality into something weird and out of my control.
4. I want to be a high school teacher and I don't want to be a teacher that watches P. For f*cks sake.
5. P makes me selfish
6. I want to be free from addiction. I want to have control over my own time and my own life!
7. I don't want to waste away hours every day watching P.
8. I want satisfaction from my life. P takes away my satisfaction. I know this...
9. I want to have good relationships and connect with a partner. I can't do that If I use P with her.
10. I want to grow as a person. PMO makes me stay on the same spot for years and It takes away my ability to care about it.
11. I don't want to be numb to reality. That is what happens when I use P.

More negative things about P that I would realize after a time of using it.
1. It is boring. I'm not as excited about it as I was when I was younger. It is just a bodily need at this point. I would do it on autopilot.
2. It is annoying and it takes a long time to find something That I want to O to. It really wastes a LOT of my time and energy!
3. It makes my erections really weak. So I can't enjoy real sex or give pleasure.


Who do I want to be? What is my dream scenario in life?

I will be a person that has order in life. Wakes up early. Is able to truly enjoy the small things in life and handle big problems in an adult and constructive way. I will be a healthy person that feel great in body and soul. I want to have a good relationship. I will not be focused only on myself. I will care deeply about others. I will not be focused on sex in life. Only when I'm actually having sex. I want to be a person that reads a lot and always want to learn about others and subjects that are unknown to me. I structure my time so that I can do what I want to do with my free time. I am comfortable and happy at work. I feel good about being myself and my roles in life. I have the time and energy to do projects that interests me. I will use my time to express myself for my enjoyment and to become better. I want to spend most of my life focused on others and on giving.
This could be me life. But it can't happen with P in my life. I will have to be patient in this moment for the sake of my future.

What strategies can I take now?

Hungry? Yes. I will make a sandwich,
angry? No, just annoyed at myself. I should try to forgive myself and give myself a break.
Lonely? Yes. I will have to meet someone soon. outside. Or call some people and talk.
Tired? Maybe. Yes, in ways. I should go to sleep earlier today.
Am I bored? Yes! Very! I should think of something that can make me less bored before I go to sleep!

Do I have the will to meditate today? Yes, I will do that before I go to sleep.
Do I want to take a cold shower? Yes. right after I have had my sandwich. I suddenly feel very hungry.

How would I feel after PMO?

I would feel sad about losing the streak. I would feel bad and possibly become depressed.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Well.. I binged on P yesterday and PMO:ed twice. Then I PMO:ed this morning. I feel okay. I'm not sure if I want to call it a relapse yet, because I would define a relapse as "going back to my old ways" which I did but I feel like I haven't left the journey to freedom behind me and I feel like continuing on my journey from now. I hope I can manage that. The coming days will tell. I will do my best.

Well, P was mostly unsatisfactory and boring (when I think intellectually about it). I realized that all the videos basically are the same thing and that led me to search for stuff that made me feel ashamed.

I don't feel as bad as I thought that I would feel today though. That I am at day 0 doesn't put me down because I know that the numbers doesn't show the full picture, I have not lost all my progress. I don't believe in putting myself down. I think that I can learn and grow from this experience.

How will I prevent this from happening in the future?

Well, the major problem I think, was that I didn't have enough understanding of how I could handle the stored sexual energy that built up inside me. It made me so uncomfortable that it was really hard for me to bear. For the future I will seriously practice meditation and read about sexual energy and how to handle it. This time I nether had the understanding or the training to deal with it.

The second problem was that I wasn't very serious about wanting to quit. I wrote a lot of things to motivate myself but really I wanted to use and that lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to urges. I need to sort of brainwash myself by reading about this subject and thinking about it and keep the information about P and about myself in my consciousness.

The third problem was that I didn't focus on growing as a person. I didn't have goals for myself. I wasn't focusing on building myself to be who I want to be. I didn't use my planner to meet these goals. I only planned schoolwork. I focused to much on handling my urges and to little on fun projects and friends.

I feel motivated and sort of happy now. But I might have to be uncomfortable for a few days because of the chaser effect. I am not that religious but I will try praying. I will also clean my apartment and do all I can do to give myself the best chance of not using anymore this week.

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Journal.

Well. Things have been going bad. I was up very very late last night PMO:ing for hours. I woke up very very late today and begun my day with a binge-session. I had the feeling that I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I had lost my way and that I craved a negative state of mind. That I wanted to destroy my life. When I finally got out of bed the first thing I did was to destroy my bottle of lube. I decided not to do the schoolwork that I had planned on doing but instead to read a book: Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I read It a few years ago and was very inspired. I wanted to renew that inspiration. It has worked to some extent. Some realizations has come to me and I feel that it has helped me get away from a bad state of mind.

I had written in the book with a pencil: "You can't fight darkness, you can only light candles". I feel that one of my mistakes that lead me to this point was that I didn't light enough "candles". I was mainly focused on fighting the darkness.  I realize now that it doesn't work:

I was trying to overcome something by struggling. I realize now that if you are focused on fighting and struggling with something negative you are bound to lose. The secret is accepting the negative feeling in the present and sitting with it, focusing on other positive things instead. The journey should not be about quitting P. It should not be about what I'm not doing. It is all about the positive things that I add to my life and the goals that I am aiming for.

I also realized from reading Eckhart?s book that you don't become a good person from doing good deeds. I have to look within myself and find the goodness that is already there. Focusing on it and making it grow. I can only find love in my life by looking for it within and cultivating it.

I can not change my life without a change of consciousness coming from within. That is why my strategies haven't worked. I need to truly be determined to quit.

Another thing that I?ve forgotten is that I'm not this body and this mind. I have become a stranger to myself. I need to separate myself from my ego and my destructive self. I need to accept the present moment and not focus on the past. I am not my thoughts but the consciousness that observes the thoughts and the ego.

A good thing about this relapse is that I have again felt the suffering P causes within me and the time it wastes. I have fresh motivation to quit. I have wasted entire days filling my brain with chemicals. Thank god that I don't use heavy drugs but it's still really bad.

I have spontaneously fasted the entire day. I have never fasted before. I'll keep fasting until I fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a new day: Day 1. This day was not completely wasted.

/J
 
Hi,

I read your Background section and your journal for day 46. You're right about that quitting porn is not enough, we have to change as human beings. I have realized that only recently myself. I have gotten into the habit of journaling, I'm on day 26 with that. I've come to realize that porn, and other stuff in life, have made me an introverted person. Some things that happened to me when I was younger were the fault of porn, some were just because of circumstances that I had little power over. I've also thought about if I should go to therapy, because while I can recognize my problems, flaws and shortcoming, I'm not sure I know how to alter my behavior patterns and thoughts. Also, I think we are almost the same age. I saw porn for the first time in 2005, and I found a video site in 2006. (Fun thing, I had no idea there was porn on Youtube at first.) The first time I saw porn was in 2005. I was 11 and I still remember the image I saw. Fun, eh? A nice thing to see at 11, don't you think?

Porn also killed all my social life. There were two other significant reasons why I was cut off from people, but telling them would reveal too much about myself. A girl liked me in school, but I was too shy to talk to her and I ignored her, though I kind of liked her. But I never asked her over because I thought my parents will think I want to have sex with her (we were both adolescents). Perhaps because I had seen porn the only thing I could think about was sex. You know, that asking a girl over was something dirty. And since I lead a lonely, secluded life, my social skills were nonexistant, so nothing good came of that girl and me. She did everything to make talk to her, but I just kept my mouth shut. I also think I thought she was not pretty enough. That's porn for you, what else is there to say.

So I kind of have all that baggage. I'm not very social to this day, but now there is nothing holding me back at least. Only the fear of being rejected, I guess. But that's a minor problem.

Sorry for writing this long ass story in your journal, hahah. Your journal felt really relatable, plus we're the same age and you seem to think the same way I do. I think. Also, I hope it's okay to say this but I'm sorry about your dad.

Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize, you've done this already once! I'm on day 29 myself. Last streak was 33 so I've got to be careful.

EDIT: Oh crap I read about your relapse. Nevertheless, stay strong! I bet you learned something from it.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Insomniacfapper said:
Hi,

I read your Background section and your journal for day 46. You're right about that quitting porn is not enough, we have to change as human beings. I have realized that only recently myself. I have gotten into the habit of journaling, I'm on day 26 with that. I've come to realize that porn, and other stuff in life, have made me an introverted person. Some things that happened to me when I was younger were the fault of porn, some were just because of circumstances that I had little power over. I've also thought about if I should go to therapy, because while I can recognize my problems, flaws and shortcoming, I'm not sure I know how to alter my behavior patterns and thoughts. Also, I think we are almost the same age. I saw porn for the first time in 2005, and I found a video site in 2006. (Fun thing, I had no idea there was porn on Youtube at first.) The first time I saw porn was in 2005. I was 11 and I still remember the image I saw. Fun, eh? A nice thing to see at 11, don't you think?

Porn also killed all my social life. There were two other significant reasons why I was cut off from people, but telling them would reveal too much about myself. A girl liked me in school, but I was too shy to talk to her and I ignored her, though I kind of liked her. But I never asked her over because I thought my parents will think I want to have sex with her (we were both adolescents). Perhaps because I had seen porn the only thing I could think about was sex. You know, that asking a girl over was something dirty. And since I lead a lonely, secluded life, my social skills were nonexistant, so nothing good came of that girl and me. She did everything to make talk to her, but I just kept my mouth shut. I also think I thought she was not pretty enough. That's porn for you, what else is there to say.

So I kind of have all that baggage. I'm not very social to this day, but now there is nothing holding me back at least. Only the fear of being rejected, I guess. But that's a minor problem.

Sorry for writing this long ass story in your journal, hahah. Your journal felt really relatable, plus we're the same age and you seem to think the same way I do. I think. Also, I hope it's okay to say this but I'm sorry about your dad.

Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize, you've done this already once! I'm on day 29 myself. Last streak was 33 so I've got to be careful.

EDIT: Oh crap I read about your relapse. Nevertheless, stay strong! I bet you learned something from it.

Thank you for writing to me! I'm glad that you can relate to my story and that you wanted to write on my journal. It is a normal thing to be antisocial to some degree. it's still important to have some connection with others on this journey. I can relate to your story as well. What you write remind me of some of the things that has happened in my life. Thank you for your concern. I actually feel very good at the moment. I feel pretty sure that I am in the process of getting out of this hole that I have dug for myself. Congratulations on your progress! I wish you all the happiness you can get!
/J
 

smeagle44

Member
Hey man, the important thing to remember now is don't let your slip become an uncontrollable binge. A slip is not the end of the world, but a binge is way worse.
 

Emptyroom

Member
bigdawg24 said:
Hey man, the important thing to remember now is don't let your slip become an uncontrollable binge. A slip is not the end of the world, but a binge is way worse.

Thank you! It is good to be reminded!
 
Emptyroom said:
Who do I want to be? What is my dream scenario in life?

I will be a person that has order in life. Wakes up early. Is able to truly enjoy the small things in life and handle big problems in an adult and constructive way. I will be a healthy person that feel great in body and soul. I want to have a good relationship. I will not be focused only on myself. I will care deeply about others. I will not be focused on sex in life. Only when I'm actually having sex. I want to be a person that reads a lot and always want to learn about others and subjects that are unknown to me. I structure my time so that I can do what I want to do with my free time. I am comfortable and happy at work. I feel good about being myself and my roles in life. I have the time and energy to do projects that interests me. I will use my time to express myself for my enjoyment and to become better. I want to spend most of my life focused on others and on giving.
This could be me life. But it can't happen with P in my life. I will have to be patient in this moment for the sake of my future.

What strategies can I take now?

Hungry? Yes. I will make a sandwich,
angry? No, just annoyed at myself. I should try to forgive myself and give myself a break.
Lonely? Yes. I will have to meet someone soon. outside. Or call some people and talk.
Tired? Maybe. Yes, in ways. I should go to sleep earlier today.
Am I bored? Yes! Very! I should think of something that can make me less bored before I go to sleep!

Do I have the will to meditate today? Yes, I will do that before I go to sleep.
Do I want to take a cold shower? Yes. right after I have had my sandwich. I suddenly feel very hungry.

This right here my man, this gives me a reason to go on and not relapse. I want those exact same things as well.

Thank you! Plus, what another user said about slips and relapses is absolutely true. You can do this!
 
Emptyroom said:
After a few months I was basically back at the beginning. I lost it all.  I felt horrible.

This is what terrifies me and has even made me relapse a couple times. It's really kicked in that this addiction is something we will have to deal with forever. I thought once you recover it would at least take some serious fucking up to go back to the bad times, but just one relapse can lead to a spiral and quickly back to square one in a month. It is what it is. Best of luck bro.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Insomniacfapper said:
Hi,

I read your Background section and your journal for day 46. You're right about that quitting porn is not enough, we have to change as human beings. I have realized that only recently myself. I have gotten into the habit of journaling, I'm on day 26 with that. I've come to realize that porn, and other stuff in life, have made me an introverted person. Some things that happened to me when I was younger were the fault of porn, some were just because of circumstances that I had little power over. I've also thought about if I should go to therapy, because while I can recognize my problems, flaws and shortcoming, I'm not sure I know how to alter my behavior patterns and thoughts. Also, I think we are almost the same age. I saw porn for the first time in 2005, and I found a video site in 2006. (Fun thing, I had no idea there was porn on Youtube at first.) The first time I saw porn was in 2005. I was 11 and I still remember the image I saw. Fun, eh? A nice thing to see at 11, don't you think?

Porn also killed all my social life. There were two other significant reasons why I was cut off from people, but telling them would reveal too much about myself. A girl liked me in school, but I was too shy to talk to her and I ignored her, though I kind of liked her. But I never asked her over because I thought my parents will think I want to have sex with her (we were both adolescents). Perhaps because I had seen porn the only thing I could think about was sex. You know, that asking a girl over was something dirty. And since I lead a lonely, secluded life, my social skills were nonexistant, so nothing good came of that girl and me. She did everything to make talk to her, but I just kept my mouth shut. I also think I thought she was not pretty enough. That's porn for you, what else is there to say.

So I kind of have all that baggage. I'm not very social to this day, but now there is nothing holding me back at least. Only the fear of being rejected, I guess. But that's a minor problem.

Sorry for writing this long ass story in your journal, hahah. Your journal felt really relatable, plus we're the same age and you seem to think the same way I do. I think. Also, I hope it's okay to say this but I'm sorry about your dad.

Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize, you've done this already once! I'm on day 29 myself. Last streak was 33 so I've got to be careful.

EDIT: Oh crap I read about your relapse. Nevertheless, stay strong! I bet you learned something from it.

I feel you, man, because our stories have similarities. I started literally watching porn in 2005 myself too, softcore porn movies after midnight available on weekends. Before that my porn world was masturbating to flashbacks of erotic things I'd seen in movies. In 2005 and 2006 I missed some chances with some girls. In 2005 some girls said to another guy that I was handsome, he told me and I did nothing, I was already suffering from social anxiety and I was too nervous to do anything. We moved out and a girl literally asked for my number (what more do you really want seriously?). We were coming from opposite directions and I kept walking without saying anything because I was too nervous to stop and give her my number in front of her and a few other girls that were with her (I don't know how many, maybe 2?). After that I got overweight and it made my face round which made it lose that "handsomeness" that they said I had. I'm still overweight, having no motivation to work hard to lose weight because of porn. Fuck. Man, we need to up our game, seriously.
 
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