What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
TheOvercomer said:
This is what terrifies me and has even made me relapse a couple times. It's really kicked in that this addiction is something we will have to deal with forever. I thought once you recover it would at least take some serious fucking up to go back to the bad times, but just one relapse can lead to a spiral and quickly back to square one in a month. It is what it is. Best of luck bro.

I don't want to use the expression "Once an addict, always an addict" maybe because in my mind sounds like a harsh punishment but I believe that we will always be more vulnerable to coming back to porn addiction because of the pathways in our brain and maybe because I think we have that "brain" for porn in some way, I've always believed that some people are more prone to becoming porn addicts than others because I know guys who used to watch porn at the same time as I and they are not addicts, one day they started dating and they stopped. We need to quit but then be vigilant. We can't go back to "watching once in a while" or spending all day on social media because "we are not addicts anymore". I don't believe we can. Anyway, best of luck to all of you.
 

Rob_91

Member
Hey,
Dont be too hard on yourself for relapsing, only determined to beat this crap, pick yourself up, laugh it off and go again :) keep going!
Str?cker ut en hand h?r, beh?ver du n?gon att snacka om det h?r med ut?ver forumet s? skicka ett meddelande till mig!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Journal.
Day 0

I have not written here in a long while. This is a very inconvenient time for me to write because I don't have much time right now, but for some reason I feel compelled to write here at this moment. Since the last time I wrote, I lost my motivation to leave P-use behind me. I didn't have any motivation because it was just a casual thing for me, even though I PMO:ed every day (even today).

I think that I have regained my motivation today though.

l can feel myself more and more becoming the sort of person that I want to be, but for that to be possible I will have to let P go. I can't bring it with me into real adulthood, I don't want to. I want to grow up for the people around me and not feel like I have something to hide. I want to work as a teacher and I feel a responsibility for my future students not to be a teacher that uses P. I feel a bit sad now after writing this and I think that it is a good sadness. Hopefully it is the sadness of letting go of P.
Thank you all for your support in the past.

I have never done this but I promise myself:

I will not use porn anymore.

I am not a person that breaks my promises.
I just have to wait patiently and be strong because I know how life can feel when I am clean from that dirt.

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Journal. Day 11
Started on the 21/5 2021

It has been eleven days. I had a small urge once but I could not break my promise to myself to not use. I feel like there is a lot more at stake now somehow because of my promise to myself not to watch P again in my life.
A new thing about this journey is that I have decided to keep M without P. This used to be hard because M would lead me to P but it doesn't feel like a risky thing this time around. I don't feel the need to use any P-fantasy. My new path feels really maintainable. I don't M that often.
I might try to give up M for a longer period of time at some point thou.

I think that it is important to come to a point where you don't have thoughts about this journey every day. Thinking about how to avoid P should not be the main focus of a life. That is sort of what happened last time I was here. I also sort of tried to brainwash myself and my enthusiasm wasn't possible to maintain. I knew, but I didn't really see the reason to quit.

Now, I don't really think about the reasons. I just think about how I would feel if some old teacher of mine PMO:ed everyday. That's not how I want an adult to behave. I feel It's a bit like living on your parents income: There comes a time where it just has to stop. There comes a time when you have to become an adult (there are of course exceptions to this). In some ways anyway.
 

Emptyroom

Member
journal.. previously day 21. Now day 0.
I just relapsed. It is very late at night. This is the quickest I have gone from relapse to writing about it. I need to go to sleep but I feel that I should write here first. I don't feel very bad at the moment but maybe the bad feelings will come tomorrow. My plan (m without p) didn't work, or rather, It worked but I needed to make more of an effort to deal with the urge. Why did the urge come? I got anxious because I got offered a sort of job-thing that I don't know how to feel about. I felt anxious and nervous about it. I found It out just before I was going to sleep and I sort of forced myself to PMO because I felt at the time like it was the only way to release my negative feelings. How can I prevent this in the future? I need to implement better tools to handle anxiety and stressful feelings. Now my main priority is to stand fast during the chaser effect. Also It would be best if I don't judge myself for what has happened. That would only make things harder for me. I can be happy that I made it 21 days! I still believe in my new approach to m sometimes without p. The problem now was my inability to deal with negative feelings. It was also late at night which made it even harder to resist I think. I broke my promise to myself. But I forgive myself. I hope that I can stay on the wagon.
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
This is Emptyroom at day zero.
I was thinking about the title of this post. It is almost a clickbaity title. 580 days, It feels like I was bragging. I do feel proud of that achievement but it was a long time ago now. Now, I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand but I know that it is just a momentary feeling and that things can change very quickly.

For me, one of the worst feelings is anxiety. But some anxiety can be a blessing because it can motivate you to move away from the thing that is hurting you. It has helped me out in the past although I hate it with all my heart. Yesterday and today I felt some of that old anxiety again and that could be a good thing.
The source of this anxiety is obviously P. Not everything is from P that I watch.
Here is a small list of things that cause me to have anxiety and other negative emotions:

1. The misogynistic and objectifying language used on the (mainstream) P-site that I use.
I read comments and titles and I say to myself "P-users are real a-holes", but then I realize that I am sitting there among them and feel like a bad person. I don't want to be associated with people that write and post those things that I see.

2. I am 27 years old, and it really bothers me that I watch 18 year-olds doing it.
It doesn't feel good at all afterwards. It feels like committing a crime and It really makes me uncomfortable and anxious, but apparently not enough to just quit. It makes me feel like a scumbag.

3. The fake scenarios in P are mostly playing with the idea of non-consensual, selfish sex or immoral scenarios involving power-relations or (fake) blood-relations.
It makes me disgusted when I really think about it but still I feel drawn to watch it. This is normal P nowadays! It is just awful! It is so normalized. It feels really bad that I draw pleasure from watching things like that and it makes me anxious.

4. Wasting my life away instead of doing something useful or positive with my time.
It fills me with regret when I fall down the unproductive rabbit hole. Not having control over my life makes me feel useless and angry with myself, especially when I've promised myself to do something productive with my time and instead throw my life away.

I feel a bit better after writing this.
I hope you will find peace!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
It's been a while now since I've written something here.
I recently met a woman that I really like, that I want to have a serious relationship with. I had just been P-free for a few days when we spontaneously had sex. Sadly I couldn't get a proper erection but I enjoyed the closeness of it and being near her. I felt really sad because I knew that It could have felt so much better. This has given me new motivation to keep away from P. I really hope things will work out with my problem and with this woman.
/J
 

canguro

Member
Hey man, I just read your journal and I really get how you feel about watching this crap. I feel exactly the same and it so sad how this has become so normal to us. I bet every sane person who never watched porn in their life whould be so fucking disgusted at these pornsites and how they talk about and treat women, but for us slowly it has become normal, that women are being beaten and else in P. This is how addiction is able to manipulate your thinking, even though you maybe could never see a women being treated this way irl.
It's very important to always keep in mind, that this is not normal, but pretty sick! Like you say, this is not what we want to be, sitting at home beating meat to this sick shit. We will never be able to fully respect ourselves, as long as we do this.
One way for me to always keep this in mind is to follow anti-P, feminist and abolitionist (anti-prostitution) accounts on twitter etc.
Beside that, did you read the YBOP book already?
 

Emptyroom

Member
Hey man, I just read your journal and I really get how you feel about watching this crap. I feel exactly the same and it so sad how this has become so normal to us. I bet every sane person who never watched porn in their life whould be so fucking disgusted at these pornsites and how they talk about and treat women, but for us slowly it has become normal, that women are being beaten and else in P. This is how addiction is able to manipulate your thinking, even though you maybe could never see a women being treated this way irl.
It's very important to always keep in mind, that this is not normal, but pretty sick! Like you say, this is not what we want to be, sitting at home beating meat to this sick shit. We will never be able to fully respect ourselves, as long as we do this.
One way for me to always keep this in mind is to follow anti-P, feminist and abolitionist (anti-prostitution) accounts on twitter etc.
Beside that, did you read the YBOP book already?

Thank you very much, you sound down to earth about this. You are right. Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it!
Yeah, Gabe Deems' videos on YouTube really made a huge difference for me so I was very glad that he liked my post. That I could give something back. It made me feel like we are all in this together you know, and that what I say can have a positive impact on anyone, even someone like Gabe who when It comes down to it is just like you or me.
No, I haven't read it actually but I used to read a lot on YBOP and think that I understand what P does to the body and mind. Maybe It would be good for me to read it anyway. I've read Noah Churchs' book.
 

Emptyroom

Member
It's been a while now since I've written something here.
I recently met a woman that I really like, that I want to have a serious relationship with. I had just been P-free for a few days when we spontaneously had sex. Sadly I couldn't get a proper erection but I enjoyed the closeness of it and being near her. I felt really sad because I knew that It could have felt so much better. This has given me new motivation to keep away from P. I really hope things will work out with my problem and with this woman.
/J
Well, things didn't really work out with this woman. We have already drifted apart sort of. I'm still glad about the experience though, and that our meeting made me return to the path away from P. I'm still here.
My life feels very good in this moment.

I hope you will find peace!
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
This is Emptyroom at day zero.

I did it again.
Why?
Because I feel that it isn't going to work out with this woman. Because I feel sad. Another reason is that I had abstained for a while and I had gotten to the point where my mind got obsessed with sex and objectifying everything. I was getting thoughts about hooking up with a stranger. A part of me just wanted to escape from that. It was also late at night and I was tired. I did it this morning as well. I feel numb now. I know in my heart that I care but somehow I have stopped caring as well. I have forgotten. I feel frustrated and angry. Not just about PMO:ing this one time but about it all. I have such a hard time keeping my good habits. I lost them years ago. I don't meditate anymore, I don't do anything to keep healthy and I don't learn new skills or read about anything. Somehow I don't want to. I feel like I don't have anything that interest me that isn't habitual. All my friends seem to be more actively alive than me. They cook and bake and have partners and are out in nature and seem to do it effortlessly. I feel left behind. I feel that it should be easy to escape this but it's not. It is very difficult. For some reason I keep choosing the path to self-destruction. The path of stagnation. Will I continue on this path now or will I try to live again? I don't know. Sometimes when you are sitting in the darkness, it feels bad to turn the lights on because it feels more comfortable to stay in the dark. Still, turning on the lights is the choice that feels best in the end when your eyes are adjusted. Somehow this is a hard choice. I already feel like watching P again. I'm sorry. I am so sick of this battle and I know that It will end with time because I made it out of the darkness once before. It is one in the afternoon and I haven't even put on any clothes. How can I force myself to care? I guess that I just have to wait.

I hope you will find peace!
/J
 
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canguro

Member
Hey man, I'm very sorry to hear that you aren't doing good right now...
It's really hard to get you motivated when you can't see what to fight for. I know that and for me mostly the only motivation is when I find myself at rock bottom. But as long you are in this state that your life sucks, but something like P keeps you going, it's really hard.

That sentence with "sometimes it's more comfortable in the dark" is so true.
But in darkness you will never find happiness, it's just the way of least resistance, the easy way. To just give up and do nothing and feel pity for urself.
Don't give up man, read storys of successors, whatever, you can do that too! We can do that, too! 💪

PS: I just watched the vid from Church about you and it really gives me a feeling of what I have to expect in the next month. This thing with getting addicted to changing things is also definetly smth that affects me very much.
Thanks for sharing your story. =)
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Hey man, I'm very sorry to hear that you aren't doing good right now...
It's really hard to get you motivated when you can't see what to fight for. I know that and for me mostly the only motivation is when I find myself at rock bottom. But as long you are in this state that your life sucks, but something like P keeps you going, it's really hard.

That sentence with "sometimes it's more comfortable in the dark" is so true.
But in darkness you will never find happiness, it's just the way of least resistance, the easy way. To just give up and do nothing and feel pity for urself.
Don't give up man, read storys of successors, whatever, you can do that too! We can do that, too! 💪

PS: I just watched the vid from Church about you and it really gives me a feeling of what I have to expect in the next month. This thing with getting addicted to changing things is also definetly smth that affects me very much.
Thanks for sharing your story. =)
Thank you very much man. I appreciate your comment and you are right about what you are saying!
Best wishes!
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day zero. Seems like every time I write here I messed up. My wall of posts are looking quite depressing. I will try to stay positive in this post.
The only thing that matters is how I proceed from this point. Today, I have finally managed to block some sites on all my browsers! That is a geat step for me and a great victory. I fell quite low today but I successfully resisted one urge that I would have regretted and that made me feel strong.
It was really bad judgment. I feel soulless and apathetic but I know that in my heart I care. I have wasted 5 hours of my life. That's a lot. I didn't eat dinner because of my addiction, I didn't do what I wanted to do with my time and now it is late at night. I feel disappointed and sad and angry but this could become a thing that turn things around for me. Things could be a lot worse. I have signed up for judo classes. Tomorrow will be my first day. I hope it will lead to good things in my life.

I am still trying! I am still fighting! I am still here! I can do it if I just make an effort! I am not a bad person! I am a good person! I just have to put the past behind me. I just have to be strong! I am not myself right now. I am not well, It will just take some time for me to become myself again. I have made a series of half-attempts during this year. It is time for me to actually do my best to improve myself In all kinds of ways. I am still here!

May peace and love rule this world until the end of days.

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Hi this is Emptyroom at day one.

I have been reading about goals today. I have learned that it is important not to set negative goals for yourself. Goals like: I will not go to P sites". Because they put emphasis on the problem. Instead, goals should only be positive. Here is an example of a positive goal: "I will know what to do when I get urges. I will have a plan and I will execute that plan when the urges come.

This is a better goal but it is too vague. Goals should be as precise as possible. So the goal could be: When the urges come I will take a long walk outside and then I will sit where people can see me and read. If it rains I will take a cold shower and then play violin until the urge passes.
This is an acceptable goal but there should many smaller goals to keep this situation from happening in the first place. You have to be two steps ahead of your addiction.

I also read that it is important to have measurable goals.
The goal should not be: "I will read more on rebootnation.org and on YBOP. Instead the goal should be something like: Read at least one story and one article/watch a positive video every day for a month. Mark on a paper every time you do this and see at the end of the month if you made the goal.

Today I feel better than yesterday because I had made a list of things to do for today and I am managing to actually do all the things on my list. If I didn't have the list today my day would be completely empty of tasks and I would probably end up watching P. It feels really positive. I'm going to keep focusing on the things that I want to do in my life. The challenges that I can give myself to become a better man.

I am going to give myself some goals. I will make 5 goals for myself to start with and I will post them later tonight.

I wish you all well!
Sincerely
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Here are my first five goals.
Specific, abtainable, measurable and fun. These are for next week!

1. I will meditate 30 minutes every day the entire week. I will make a mark in a book every day that I do this.
2. I will make daily lists of things to do during the day and I will follow these lists.
3. I will spend an hour every day this week reading my school-literature from last semester
4. I will try to learn something new every day this week and write down what I've learned in a document.
5. I will write in a journal during the week and write a few sentences about how I feel and what I have accomplished during the day.
 

Emptyroom

Member
This is Empty room at day 7

I stopped this goal-thing that I had planned. Because my social life got in the way. I realized that you can't plan out every day of your life like that. It feels good to be spontaneous sometimes.
I want to continue to meditate and to write down daily things that I have learned. I noticed that It has helped me to focus on learning stuff during the day. School has started for me so I will be able to keep busy during the days.

My judo practice feels really fun and giving. I have friends that I spend time with weekly and I have people I play music with so I feel that I have most of what I need socially to feel happy. Things didn't work out with the girl that I was dating though. We have no chemistry but I'm not sad about it. I don't feel such a need to be with someone romantically right now.
I feel that I am in a good zone right now. I feel good and I have stayed away from P for 7 days. That's great!

The hard part is staying in the state of mind that I am in. Maybe I need to be more weary and really have some plans and goals in case things change for the worse. Maybe I should continue to make daily goals. Yes I will! Not so many though. I should probably have some long term plans as well. I want to clean more often. I want to clean my floors once a week. And I should try to cook some.
Well, I should go to bed soon.
Thank you for reading!
Best wishes,
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
This is Emptyroom at day 9.
Yesterday, I was up late at night and I "got tricked by my brain"/made the choice, to search for images of someone's behind. I just kept scrolling and P started to emerge. I just kept scrolling for a while but I stopped it before It turned into a P-session.
Because I stopped it in time I won't set back my counter. It was still distressing and embarrassing. It has made me more vigilant of my behaviour now. I need to keep in mind that I actually desire a P-free life and that even one small peak could lead me down the rabbit hole. I wonder if it is possible for me to quit long term with the state of mind I'm in right now. I guess I just have to make an effort everyday to strengthen my willpower and keep my life in order.
Best wishes,
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Emptyroom here at day 11.
I'm experiencing an overactive sexual mind right now because the lack of masturbation and P during these 11 days. It is annoying because it makes it harder for me to keep on the wagon. I know that it is temporary though.
I feel a sadness over quitting I think because a part of me doesn't want to quit. I think that the sadness comes from knowing that I really could stay away from P for the rest of my life from this point. I sort of feel the reality of that. I'm a little worried because I don't really remember the reasons why I want to stay away from P, I mean I remember, but it is not fresh in my mind. Also, I'm not being active enough on my journey of self-improvement. I'm not doing things very orderly which is a bad sign. A red sign. I'm sort of tired right now and I know that I always basically is a thought or two away from a P-session if im not careful. The key I think is to not become stressed now. Because that I think would lead me to P.
I have to keep my schoolwork in order and start meditating again. But I shouldn't push myself to hard. I will do my best everyday and I must allow my best to vary.I did a few things today and it is sunday so I am allowed to take it a bit easy.
I am at day 11! That's great! I haven't made it to day 11 in a long time now! Now I really got a streak going again! It feels good!

If I get urges I have decided to first meditate for 15 minutes. Then I will read my postings here on this site then I will take a shower then I will take a walk outside or play an instrument.
 
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