What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Member
Day 42.
I don't feel very safe. I feel that I am standing about 5 meters away from the slippery slope. The doomsday-clock is 25 minutes to twelve. To be more clear and less pretentious, I mean that I have had some minor urges.

It feels really scary but I feel that only a few thoughts or one or two mental pictures made at will would bring me to have serious urges. I feel like I am walking in a house of glass. Even though I feel fine right now, I feel like hell could break loose at any time. Somehow, I don't feel like I know how to prepare for the worst at this point. Maybe I am downplaying my own self-control. If I would relapse now, It would be my fault. I couldn't blame something outside of myself. I know that urges will come. If I don't prepare myself with that knowledge then that's on me. I should not blame external factors, those are like excuses to fail. I am strong and I can think ahead and save myself from doing terrible harm to myself. I just have to feel responsible and understand that I can control my actions.
I wish love to you all,
/J
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey man, don't let yourself be afraid of some urges! You got this! Do you want to go back to your old self? Or do you want to continue this path. Don't let the addiction control you, you are stronger than it!
Think about what a gained so far by abstaining and what you would loose just for a short moment of relieve.
 

Emptyroom

Member
day 44.
I feel the sexual energy in my body. I get thoughts about having selfish sex with people and I keep touching myself. I even M:ed today without O. I feel that something has to change for me. I don't want to watch P again. I don't want to lose my progress but I feel like I am taking small gradual steps towards a relapse. Maybe it is just because I am having such a low day today.

This has been a lazy, unproductive and to some extent annoying day for me. I wanted to rise up early but I slept until the afternoon. I was up late with friends last night. I was supposed to focus on schoolwork today but I only did a minimum of work even though I did some good work. I took a way too long hot shower and I wasted my time on Youtube and I have felt aimless, unprepared for being a teacher, and low in energy.

I feel like I probably should force myself to study more today but I just feel like I can't be bothered. Maybe we all have days like this. I should take a walk outside.or something. I have been in this room all day and I almost have a headache.
I know that If I where to M and O. I would just become more low in energy and I would feel bad. Also, for me, O is a gateway to P. The thing I must do is to stop seeing my sexuality as an escape from uncomfortable feelings.

44 days. That is almost 50! halfway to a hundred! That feels wonderful!
I am going to give myself a break with my studies. I will try to make the rest of the day feel like a good day!
I wish you the best!
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 47.
Here is a poem that I wrote today! I saw that someone else had written a poem on this forum before so I wanted to do one as well. Cheers!



Moving forward alone towards a glistening shore
I remembered myself, as on a moon-rock roving
spinning in space, away from the earth
getting caught in the web
of pleasure and pain
hell

I quickly learnt how to repress the old life I had.
The outside world became an open wound.
I stuck my head inside the web
and put my childhood down
to waste the world
away

For the loss of joy
for the loss of innocence
with the steel cold burden
of fear and guilt and shame
a confused little boy silently cried trough dark nights
alone
alone
alone

But now, as a loving lighthouse I stand on the glistening shore
with my warm heart beating like morning stars.
The reason I can stand so tall
is for that crying boy.
I'll fight for him.
Forever​


Have a great day!
Best wishes!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 49.
I felt some urges today. I had an old classmate over at my apartment. We just talked and played music but I think that my subconscious wanted to sleep with her so I had cravings when she left. I look forward to that moment when women stop being like objects for me again. I know that It will happen because It has happened to me before. It will probably take 50 more days though. When the urges came today I tried to separate myself from what I was feeling. I tried to just observe the sensations in my body. I realised that I wasn't actually horny because I didn't have an erection at all. It was just my addict-brain playing tricks on me. That's a good tip actually: When you feel urges ask yourself if you have an erection. If the answer is no, then you are not turned on for real. It is just in your brain whining for those chemicals. If you just wait a little while your brain will get calm again so don't fall for the trick!

Day 50 tomorrow. Feels like it was ages ago. Last time I reached 50 was back in February. Then I relapsed at day 63. Why? This is what I wrote last time:
How will I prevent this from happening in the future?

Well, the major problem I think, was that I didn't have enough understanding of how I could handle the stored sexual energy that built up inside me. It made me so uncomfortable that it was really hard for me to bear. For the future I will seriously practice meditation and read about sexual energy and how to handle it. This time I nether had the understanding or the training to deal with it.

The second problem was that I wasn't very serious about wanting to quit. I wrote a lot of things to motivate myself but really I wanted to use and that lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to urges. I need to sort of brainwash myself by reading about this subject and thinking about it and keep the information about P and about myself in my consciousness.

The third problem was that I didn't focus on growing as a person. I didn't have goals for myself. I wasn't focusing on building myself to be who I want to be. I didn't use my planner to meet these goals. I only planned schoolwork. I focused to much on handling my urges and to little on fun projects and friends.
1. I don't know why it is so hard for me to meditate for more than a day or two. I want to be a person that meditates. So why do I feel this resistance to it? I don't know If I have a better understanding about storing sexual energy now. A bit maybe. I will try to meditate for the sake of meditation a bit each day.

2. Well it is hard to be serious when you have urges but yeah, I don't think that I really can write myself out of an urge or convince myself not to relapse. I think that It is more helpful to read about this addiction and see the pain of my brothers on this site.

3. I think that it is important to relax a little. I have begun to comfort myself by saying "it's alright" and everything is okay now" silently to myself. I feel that It has had a positive effect on my energy. I think it is important to grow as a person but It is hard to plan it out. Still it is important for me to keep busy! But I need to be more spontaneous and plan a bit less.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
I don't know why it is so hard for me to meditate for more than a day or two. I want to be a person that meditates. So why do I feel this resistance to it?

Hi, Emptyroom. Congratulations on day 50!

The reason why it's this way toward meditation is simply that it's not a habbit yet. It may be too, that you feel you 'have' to do it, as opposed to wanting to do it (?). Doing it out of some obligation may make the practice a drudgery.

Just a couple of suggestions.
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Hi, Emptyroom. Congratulations on day 50!

The reason why it's this way toward meditation is simply that it's not a habbit yet. It maybe too, that you feel you 'have' to do it, as opposed to wanting to do it (?). Doing it out of some obligation may make the practice a drudgery.

Just a couple of suggestions.
Thank you Phineas!
Yes. Meditation is a lot like running for me. When I get the habit in I really enjoy running and it makes my energy better during the day! The pattern with that is a lot like my reboots actually. I stay on the horse for a while then I fall off and then I try again after a period of time. The first run after a long while of not running really feels like a drag, but just after a couple of runs it becomes much more enjoyable and easy. The same goes for my reboots: getting the first week is the hardest, then it gets easier.

But with all these things, running, reboots and meditation, I feel that I reach a point when it suddenly becomes much harder. I wonder why that is. It can feel for me a lot like stacking plates very high: eventually the plates will fall. But then, there are people that seem to be able to keep their habits all their life. They seem to be able to stack their plates very high without ever losing momentum or dropping the plates. Is it all the power of habit or is there something else there as well?

You are right that It feels like an obligation for me to meditate and I'm sure that it's a main reason why I'm having a hard time doing it regularly. I also focus to much on wanting to be a "meditator" instead of focusing on the actual practise.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Yes, I can relate to what you said. The running analogy is a good one, too.

Maybe there's some kind of 'wall' that you have to get passed? Or, the resistance may be a matter of perception (stacking plates). There's some way you're thinking about these habit changes (leaving the bad ones, embracing the good ones) that's causing you to see length, height, duration, breakability, fragility of the habit (using your 'stacking plates' choice of analogy).

Perhaps you're expecting for this to fail (again), or that it's an endurance game. And given that you had such a lengthy streak that 'eventually' failed, if you will, may be the cause of, or due to this perception.

I would bet that for those you mention who can just keep going 'stacking plates' don't even view it that way... (?). I would study how you view habit change in general, and leaving PMO behind for good in particular. The secret is going to be in definition and perception.

Finally, you are a meditator right now. If you practice at all, then you are that.... A human being is born one, and doesn't have to become one. Proof? You meditate every night when you go to sleep, which counts as meditation ;)

Blessings, brother!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Yes, I can relate to what you said. The running analogy is a good one, too.

Maybe there's some kind of 'wall' that you have to get passed? Or, the resistance may be a matter of perception (stacking plates). There's some way you're thinking about these habit changes (leaving the bad ones, embracing the good ones) that's causing you to see length, height, duration, breakability, fragility of the habit (using your 'stacking plates' choice of analogy).

Perhaps you're expecting for this to fail (again), or that it's an endurance game. And given that you had such a lengthy streak that 'eventually' failed, if you will, may be the cause of, or due to this perception.

I would bet that for those you mention who can just keep going 'stacking plates' don't even view it that way... (?). I would study how you view habit change in general, and leaving PMO behind for good in particular. The secret is going to be in definition and perception.

Finally, you are a meditator right now. If you practice at all, then you are that.... A human being is born one, and doesn't have to become one. Proof? You meditate every night when you go to sleep, which counts as meditation ;)

Blessings, brother!
Thank you for writing. You make a good point. I feel that I have been thinking of good habits as things that are unsustainable or hard to maintain in the long run. Like juggling, an endurance game as you said (you can't juggle forever). My perceptions are to a high extent influenced by my past struggles but I have to change the way I'm thinking about habits and the PMO-free life I feel. Just because I made it far once and fell back on my old ways doesn't mean that it is bound to happen again. Sure there will always be risks, but that is something that can be overcome. I can learn how to deal with bad times in a better way.
I think my perceptions and definitions is one of many reasons why it is hard to build new habits.
Another reason why I usually stop a while after starting to build a good habit, I think, is because I come to a point where it becomes more than a temporary project. It is hard for me to explain but for some reason it is easier to be on your way to the top than staying on the top. The motivation has a tendency to disappear.
A third reason why the PMO-free life gets harder with time I feel is because the more time that passes the bigger is the risk of triggering things happening to you. A forth reason I feel is that my sexual energy has to be maintained somehow because the sexual energy builds up and makes it harder to resist urges and makes it easier to make bad decisions. The fifth reason is those "walls" that you mentioned! Sometimes you just reach a point where you have to make a bigger effort to continue on and sometimes I don't seem to have that energy and willpower.

I meditated today and yesterday and It felt good! Thank you for the motivation!

Good stuff, man! Things are moving for you.
Thank you! I hope so! Have a nice day!


/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
day 52.

I have noticed some patterns that I have to change.
1. I have been ogling woman strangers' bodies that I see when I feel that they aren't looking. This is really bad, selfish and disrespectful. I will really make an effort to stop this behaviour.
2. I touch myself to much. I have been way to focused on my privates. I will stop that now.
3. I haven't stopped sexual fantasies fast enough. Those are not allowed anymore.

I have felt very lonely today. I have not talked to anybody the entire day. I have only been in my apartment on the computer writing schoolwork. I have tried to reach out to different people that I know. All women. I just want to talk and spend time with them but I also feel that in the back of my head I am using them because I would like to sleep with all of them. I feel like an a**hole. I feel affected by my currently high sexual energy. I can't really think straight and be rational. I just have to accept that it is like this now for me and not judge myself to harshly because I am not myself at the moment or at least I am getting better and less selfish the more I distance myself from P, but It is darkest just before the dawn.

Take care!

/J
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
About talking to women, don't be too hard on yourself. At least you're talking to 'real' women, and not pixalized images. The sex-thing is natural, too. There's going to be that natural attraction. If you're being a gentleman or respectful, I wouldn't worry about the rest...

I think for the above conversation, about longevity and endurance, a challenge to yourself would be in order.

Challenge yourself to look at normalcy or base-line emotions as peace, rest and equanimity. Isn't it true anyway? Say you get really upset (angry or sad), isn't it true that even if we did nothing extra (like our unwanted behaviors), that we will invariably return to a state of equanimity? We became dependent on our addictions because we couldn't endure the wait until we naturally came back down to equanimity. We thought we needed a little push, or we sought to escape into these positive feelings.

Think of it like that, even after a lengthy streak. You're not coming to the end of it. You're simply taking it day-by-day, and each day your mind will naturally come back down to a state of peace and tranquility. I'm not sure your meditation technique, but meditation is (theoretically) a lot like this. Thoughts, images or emotions arise. Instead of focusing on them, we allow ourselves to come back down to 'pure mind', and abide there as long as we can. After the next flurry of thoughts, we repeat, breathe deep, and allow the mind to simply 'be'.

In your recovery, urges, thoughts, the potential struggle may arise, but don't overly focus on it. Let it be. You will come back down to a normal flow of life, being the healthy you that you are, without it being some big endurance test.
 
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Emptyroom

Member
About talking to women, don't be too hard on yourself. At least you're talking to 'real' women, and not pixalized images. The sex-thing is natural, too. There's going to be that natural attraction. If you're being a gentleman or respectful, I wouldn't worry about the rest...

I think for the above conversation, about longevity and endurance, a challenge to yourself would be in order.

Challenge yourself to look at normalcy or base-line emotions as peace, rest and equanimity. Isn't it true anyway? Say you get really upset (angry or sad), isn't it true that even if we did nothing extra (like our unwanted behaviors), that we will invariably return to a state of equanimity? We became dependent on our addictions because we couldn't endure the wait until we naturally came back down to equanimity. We thought we needed a little push, or we sought to escape into these positive feelings.

Think of it like that, even after a lengthy streak. You're not coming to the end of it. You're simply taking it day-by-day, and each day your mind will naturally come back down to a state of peace and tranquility. I'm not sure your meditation technique, but meditation is (theoretically) a lot like this. Thoughts, images or emotions arise. Instead of focusing on them, we allow ourselves to come back down to 'pure mind', and abide there as long as we can. After the next flurry of thoughts, we repeat, breathe deep, and allow the mind to simply 'be'.

In your recovery, urges, thoughts, the potential struggle may arise, but don't overly focus on it. Let it be. You will come back down to a normal flow of life, being the healthy you that you are, without it being some big endurance test.
Thank you for giving me this key to recovery. You put it really well. I needed that. Have a good day!
/J
 

Ruthless

Member
Journal. Day 50.

It's really late at night for me but I feel that I need to write here today anyway. Yesterday I got myself a daily planner. I made sure to have goals ready for today. Except rising out of bed a bit late I did everything according to plan until late afternoon. My mother called me and because of pure chance combined with underlying tension or something (I mostly blame her for starting it) we had a very bad phone-conversation where I felt like she was playing a victim and putting blame on me and wanting me to feel bad about telling her that I felt that she was being rude and angry talking to me. She said that she felt that she wasn't and acted very hurt about it. Anyway. After the conversation I tried to feel like It didn't bother me. But I can't lie to myself. It was bothering me. It still does. I wrote a long text to her about how I felt where I tried to go through what we said and explain why I felt what I felt. That I didn't think her behavior was okay. She thanked me for it and said that she had read it twice and would read it again. I don't think she is very mature when It comes to accepting that she did something wrong. She seems to just see my faults. Well, anyway, I think I did the right thing to write her about it. It was the best thing I could do about fixing the situation I think. The time of the conversation and the time I took to write her and the energy the whole experience took from me made it so I didn't have time to finish two of my daily goals (I didn't have time later). And that felt bad also. Other parts of the day had been really really good but the bad things have a power to take over in my mind.

When I was making dinner I thought to myself. Well, even though bad things happened today, I don't have any urges at all to PMO and that felt good. But I have realized that I can't believe my thoughts.

When I was eating my dinner I sat by a window. Suddenly I could see someone in another window and I thought that it was a girl without trousers. I found myself taking a good look before I looked away. Then without any thought I looked again. And then I did the same thing again. She was wearing trousers by the way. I must have realized what I was doing but I didn't control myself. It was almost automatic. When I think about it that was a really creepy thing to do and made me realize that I am closer to a relapse than I actually thought. Maybe that wouldn't have happened if the whole day had gone great. Maybe I would have just looked away. What I will take with me from this experience is this: be aware and on my toes when bad things have happened during the day. Even if I don't feel any cravings. When I feel bad or uncomfortable there is a part of me that wants to solve it with PMO. Always. I guess that I have to try to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I was also led by my mind to look at a Facebook-profile of a stranger today. That's a red flag also. The road is slippery. I must be aware and know when the situation is extra dangerous for me. At those times I must try to focus on the positive things of the day. At the same time I must acknowledge the bad things and try to do what I can to make it better. If I have done all I can for the moment, I need to let it go and focus on other things. Now I have to go to sleep but first I will write down some positive things to myself: This is day 50 and I am proud of myself that I have made it this far again. I'm happy that I managed to achieve some goals today. I?m happy about my work as a student. I'm happy that I have friends in my life. I'm happy that I'm on this journey. I'm happy that I'm working on becoming a better person. It will be worth it.
I’ve been following your journal and I’m must say you’re doing a great job Nd I’ve learnt so much which I hope I’ll be able to live by so I can have a normal life. Even with no cravings, I go back to PMO everytime I’ve had a bad day. I’m still depressed and anxious bout getting a gf or I guess I haven’t found someone who will understand my addiction. I get urges almost every day and I try so much to fight it( I come on here to read through other journals). I find myself going through social profiles of strangers every time and even try to contact them and all tho I kno it wouldn’t work out. 3days ago I deactivated my socials and rn I’m focused on not getting taken away( thoughts of having sex with strangers I see every time). I’m too determined to make this work but like u stated, this involves more than just the will to quit. Haven’t figured out how to deal with my anxiety and depression and that has lead me to have many relapse. I think 3 years ago I was able to go 6 months without PMO but went right back to it when when I had regular disappointment. Will having a gf help in a major way? The thought of that make me get anxious ( Haven’t had sex in 5 years and I’ve had a few failed attempts over the years, there’s these lady who I had bout 3 failed attempts with and she hasn’t figured what my problem is yet. She wants to go to bed with me badly I guess. Tho I try to push her away every time because I’m scared she’ll figure it out. Haven’t considered opening up to any one yet bout my struggles yet and the only time I’m able to talk bout this is when I’m on sites with anonymous profiles. I try to avoid my friends cos they’re always conversing bout the sex life, gf’s, I think u understand what I mean. But I’m never successful because I always find friends around me. Usually in my free time I get high on MJ and I think there’s a chance that triggers the urge to PMO. I think bout life when I’m high and helps me with depression but the thoughts of my struggles in life and all when I’m high makes the urge so strong.Reading your journey has made me realize so much and I hope I’m able to make it as far as u have. I’d appreciate it so much if messaged u privately
 

Emptyroom

Member
I’ve been following your journal and I’m must say you’re doing a great job Nd I’ve learnt so much which I hope I’ll be able to live by so I can have a normal life. Even with no cravings, I go back to PMO everytime I’ve had a bad day. I’m still depressed and anxious bout getting a gf or I guess I haven’t found someone who will understand my addiction. I get urges almost every day and I try so much to fight it( I come on here to read through other journals). I find myself going through social profiles of strangers every time and even try to contact them and all tho I kno it wouldn’t work out. 3days ago I deactivated my socials and rn I’m focused on not getting taken away( thoughts of having sex with strangers I see every time). I’m too determined to make this work but like u stated, this involves more than just the will to quit. Haven’t figured out how to deal with my anxiety and depression and that has lead me to have many relapse. I think 3 years ago I was able to go 6 months without PMO but went right back to it when when I had regular disappointment. Will having a gf help in a major way? The thought of that make me get anxious ( Haven’t had sex in 5 years and I’ve had a few failed attempts over the years, there’s these lady who I had bout 3 failed attempts with and she hasn’t figured what my problem is yet. She wants to go to bed with me badly I guess. Tho I try to push her away every time because I’m scared she’ll figure it out. Haven’t considered opening up to any one yet bout my struggles yet and the only time I’m able to talk bout this is when I’m on sites with anonymous profiles. I try to avoid my friends cos they’re always conversing bout the sex life, gf’s, I think u understand what I mean. But I’m never successful because I always find friends around me. Usually in my free time I get high on MJ and I think there’s a chance that triggers the urge to PMO. I think bout life when I’m high and helps me with depression but the thoughts of my struggles in life and all when I’m high makes the urge so strong.Reading your journey has made me realize so much and I hope I’m able to make it as far as u have. I’d appreciate it so much if messaged u privately
Thank you for that comment! I have messaged you privately!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 54.

Today has been a mixed day. I was very lazy during the morning and I didn't really do much until the afternoon. I made an easy but good lunch and then I went to a library and worked all day alone and I think I did some good work. So my workday wasn't wasted even though I somehow feel that it was wasted.
When I went home I made an effort not to ogle at women. I sort of made it! It was surprisingly hard to do.

I have been thinking, just like last time I came this far, that I would like to meet and have sex with a stranger but I know that those type of thoughts could lead me to P and that type of thinking. The type of thinking where people turn in to my personal toys. It makes me selfish but I sort of would like it anyway.

I was going to do my laundry just now, I share washing machines with a lot of people, and I saw that someone was using the machines when I had booked them. I usually would try to avoid a conflict but I felt that it was the right thing to take out the clothes and put my own clothes in the machine. It felt good to stand up for myself like that! I think that this was a good conflict training opportunity. (Turns out I was the one that was in the wrong! Wops! We solved it and it was a friendly encounter).

Yesterday Me and two friends dipped ourselves in a cold lake. I am glad that I did that. It was nice to be social for a change. I should be glad to have such friends. But I couldn't stop myself looking at my friends behind. That didn't feel good.

Sex isn't everything. I feel that I have become way to focused on sex in my life. When I am home alone, which I am often because I live alone, I think about the fact that I don't have someone to be intimate with and I sit around and feel my sexual energy and I play with myself without O:ing. Then when I go out with friends, a part of me feels unsatisfied. I should fill my head with thoughts of other things. I should think more about my friends, about nature, about poetry and psychology and history. Sex is something that feels good, but there is a lot of things that can feel good and I am missing those things because I obsess too much about sex. it never seems to leave my mind. I should make an effort to leave it behind me because my potential for sexual pleasure isn't going to disappear just because I stop thinking about it. I can still make progress on this journey without thinking about sex or my lack of sex.

Take care!

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
I had a small non-P relapse tonight. I spent almost five hours on a chat-site for strangers where I did some sex-chatting. I M.ed and O:ed a little at one point.. It was like playing a slot-machine and I felt a dopamine rush from it. I felt a bit drunk. For some reason my blocker didn't work. Now it is very late at night and I am going up early tomorrow and the day after I am going up really early. This really was a bad mistake and I feel quite ashamed. It could have been a lot worse though. I somehow restrained myself during this (even if it really sounds like I didn't) and I didn't act too bad and I didn't move over to P. This has happened before that I have spent so much time on this site. It really is a site that steals your time dignity and your mind away from you. F that site! I didn't have a proper O and I didn't watch P so I will not reset my day-counter but I feel bad about this and I hope that this will motivate me to quit more and not lead me down the slippery slope.

Thanks for reading!

/J
 

Fappy

Respected Member
I had a small non-P relapse tonight. I spent almost five hours on a chat-site for strangers where I did some sex-chatting. I M.ed and O:ed a little at one point.. It was like playing a slot-machine and I felt a dopamine rush from it. I felt a bit drunk. For some reason my blocker didn't work. Now it is very late at night and I am going up early tomorrow and the day after I am going up really early. This really was a bad mistake and I feel quite ashamed. It could have been a lot worse though. I somehow restrained myself during this (even if it really sounds like I didn't) and I didn't act too bad and I didn't move over to P. This has happened before that I have spent so much time on this site. It really is a site that steals your time dignity and your mind away from you. F that site! I didn't have a proper O and I didn't watch P so I will not reset my day-counter but I feel bad about this and I hope that this will motivate me to quit more and not lead me down the slippery slope.

Thanks for reading!

/J
thats a shame, it could have ended with a full PMO relapse but luckily you stopped it. youve really got to expect that artificial stimuli like chat sites etc can come from anywhere! be aware
 

Emptyroom

Member
Today was a mixed day again. I have felt like a pig today because of my actions last night and I have been ogling young women again today. I feel like a creep. Ugh! But I know that I can be a good person and a gentleman too! I feel that I have a high moral. Some of the time...

I did all my daily reading and I had a good judo-session so that's good! I bought some black shoes and a belt that I'm really happy to have done. I needed those things for an occasion.

I M:ed twice today. Once in the morning and once at the end of the day. Basically, I did it because I had the urge. I'm not going to pretend it was something else. But after the first one, I felt a bit more sane and grounded in reality. I did the second one half because I felt an urge to do it, and half as a strategy to not go to that site again today as I did last night. I haven't and I'm not going to. I've tried to block the site, but for some reason all my sites are unblocked again. That doesn't feel good.

every time this has happened before, going back to M without P, It has lead me back to P. That makes me a bit nervous. I will try to follow the advice of Phineas 808 and not see the PMO-lifestyle as a baseline that I inevitably will fall back to. It's not. It doesn't have to be.

I feel like it could have been a good thing that It happened. Not that I went to that site yesterday but that I M:ed because It might help me to stop being so totally focused on my genitals, sexuality and finding women.

I was a bit sad and jealous this morning because two of my friends have been paired up with each other and are going to be help-teachers at the same school close to where they live while I have to travel for an hour every day by train to my school and I am paired up with someone that I really don't click with as a work-partner. I feel a bit left out. But it wasn't their choice. It was just bad luck for me. Maybe It won't be that bad for me. Maybe it will be good.

Now I have to go to bed soon. It is very late.
I really wish that I just could leave P behind me. That I could stop all this ogling and objectification and just be able to let it all go. I don't want to be a staring creep or a sex-maniac. I want to have peace. I want to leave this burden in the garbage and feel free from it. I really want to have peace.

I wish you much peace!

/J
 

Ruthless

Member
Today was a mixed day again. I have felt like a pig today because of my actions last night and I have been ogling young women again today. I feel like a creep. Ugh! But I know that I can be a good person and a gentleman too! I feel that I have a high moral. Some of the time...

I did all my daily reading and I had a good judo-session so that's good! I bought some black shoes and a belt that I'm really happy to have done. I needed those things for an occasion.

I M:ed twice today. Once in the morning and once at the end of the day. Basically, I did it because I had the urge. I'm not going to pretend it was something else. But after the first one, I felt a bit more sane and grounded in reality. I did the second one half because I felt an urge to do it, and half as a strategy to not go to that site again today as I did last night. I haven't and I'm not going to. I've tried to block the site, but for some reason all my sites are unblocked again. That doesn't feel good.

every time this has happened before, going back to M without P, It has lead me back to P. That makes me a bit nervous. I will try to follow the advice of Phineas 808 and not see the PMO-lifestyle as a baseline that I inevitably will fall back to. It's not. It doesn't have to be.

I feel like it could have been a good thing that It happened. Not that I went to that site yesterday but that I M:ed because It might help me to stop being so totally focused on my genitals, sexuality and finding women.

I was a bit sad and jealous this morning because two of my friends have been paired up with each other and are going to be help-teachers at the same school close to where they live while I have to travel for an hour every day by train to my school and I am paired up with someone that I really don't click with as a work-partner. I feel a bit left out. But it wasn't their choice. It was just bad luck for me. Maybe It won't be that bad for me. Maybe it will be good.

Now I have to go to bed soon. It is very late.
I really wish that I just could leave P behind me. That I could stop all this ogling and objectification and just be able to let it all go. I don't want to be a staring creep or a sex-maniac. I want to have peace. I want to leave this burden in the garbage and feel free from it. I really want to have peace.

I wish you much peace!

/J
Today, I haven’t been able to get my mind of sex or PMO. This is hard I admit, there’s been an urge for M but I know that leads to P. Few minutes ago I saw a 30 sec sex leak and I think I might have done that on purpose. I still try to prevent myself from going through random profiles of ladies by deactivating my socials but I somehow find myself getting on Twitter again. Why do I think about sex so much? Is it anxiety?
 
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