What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Fappy

Respected Member
Today was a mixed day again. I have felt like a pig today because of my actions last night and I have been ogling young women again today. I feel like a creep. Ugh! But I know that I can be a good person and a gentleman too! I feel that I have a high moral. Some of the time...

I did all my daily reading and I had a good judo-session so that's good! I bought some black shoes and a belt that I'm really happy to have done. I needed those things for an occasion.

I M:ed twice today. Once in the morning and once at the end of the day. Basically, I did it because I had the urge. I'm not going to pretend it was something else. But after the first one, I felt a bit more sane and grounded in reality. I did the second one half because I felt an urge to do it, and half as a strategy to not go to that site again today as I did last night. I haven't and I'm not going to. I've tried to block the site, but for some reason all my sites are unblocked again. That doesn't feel good.

every time this has happened before, going back to M without P, It has lead me back to P. That makes me a bit nervous. I will try to follow the advice of Phineas 808 and not see the PMO-lifestyle as a baseline that I inevitably will fall back to. It's not. It doesn't have to be.

I feel like it could have been a good thing that It happened. Not that I went to that site yesterday but that I M:ed because It might help me to stop being so totally focused on my genitals, sexuality and finding women.

I was a bit sad and jealous this morning because two of my friends have been paired up with each other and are going to be help-teachers at the same school close to where they live while I have to travel for an hour every day by train to my school and I am paired up with someone that I really don't click with as a work-partner. I feel a bit left out. But it wasn't their choice. It was just bad luck for me. Maybe It won't be that bad for me. Maybe it will be good.

Now I have to go to bed soon. It is very late.
I really wish that I just could leave P behind me. That I could stop all this ogling and objectification and just be able to let it all go. I don't want to be a staring creep or a sex-maniac. I want to have peace. I want to leave this burden in the garbage and feel free from it. I really want to have peace.

I wish you much peace!

/J
ohhhhh ive been there, mate. i know what theat feels like. let me guess, you thought that if u rubbed a quick one out it would serve as some type of band-aid effect for your desires to PMO. and it does to an extent, sure, ive done that too. but dont make it like your go-to strategy for avoiding urges; anything involving your cock while your trying to fight an urge can get weird very quickly...
and the staring! yep, been there. i used to actually wear sunglasses inside, dark ones, just so i could have a cheap perv without anyone knowing! (cringe...) how fucked up is that?! it completely changes you. dont let it!
if you sitck to this reboot you will leave porn addiction and all its lovely symptoms behind forever, trust me.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey man, as always I really enjoyed reading your progress, as we are going through similar problems. I myself am struggling with this overthinking of sex and ogling on women. It's such a pain in the ass. While I agree, that we have to get control at least over the second, I don't know if it's possible to just not think of sex!? Sex, intimacy and relationships are a fundamental part of our lives and biologically our whole reason to exist is to reproduce...
But this whole loneliness thing is really a killer for me at the moment and I'm trying to be just at ease with myself alone, but as I said, I'm not quite sure if that is possible. We are social animals in the end.
So I think this oversexualization is not only from our distorted mind by porn, but normal for people who have no sex life atm and don't fap...
(Although P and many other things in our society lead to objectification for sure, no doubt about that.)
I am currently MOing once in 20 days but I'm thinking of going down to once in two weeks, because the longer I abstain from O, the harder it gets not to think about sex and look at women.

In the end we really need a healthy sex life (or one at all to begin with =D) to get this out of our mind and to make the reboot complete.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Today, I haven’t been able to get my mind of sex or PMO. This is hard I admit, there’s been an urge for M but I know that leads to P. Few minutes ago I saw a 30 sec sex leak and I think I might have done that on purpose. I still try to prevent myself from going through random profiles of ladies by deactivating my socials but I somehow find myself getting on Twitter again. Why do I think about sex so much? Is it anxiety?
I think it is a lot of reasons for you feel that urge to go back to PMO. Anxiety is one thing but I would think anxiety is more of a symptom of something or a symptom of a combination of things. Like an inability to handle your thought or to deal with life and its problems in a positive way. I'm sure that It will become easier with time for you. It's important to build willpower to stand fast during urges and not act on them of course.
ohhhhh ive been there, mate. i know what theat feels like. let me guess, you thought that if u rubbed a quick one out it would serve as some type of band-aid effect for your desires to PMO. and it does to an extent, sure, ive done that too. but dont make it like your go-to strategy for avoiding urges; anything involving your cock while your trying to fight an urge can get weird very quickly...
and the staring! yep, been there. i used to actually wear sunglasses inside, dark ones, just so i could have a cheap perv without anyone knowing! (cringe...) how fucked up is that?! it completely changes you. dont let it!
if you sitck to this reboot you will leave porn addiction and all its lovely symptoms behind forever, trust me.
Thank you Fappy! You are right. I won't turn M into a habit. Thanks for sharing and thanks for reminding me of the light at the end of the tunnel!

Hey man, as always I really enjoyed reading your progress, as we are going through similar problems. I myself am struggling with this overthinking of sex and ogling on women. It's such a pain in the ass. While I agree, that we have to get control at least over the second, I don't know if it's possible to just not think of sex!? Sex, intimacy and relationships are a fundamental part of our lives and biologically our whole reason to exist is to reproduce...
But this whole loneliness thing is really a killer for me at the moment and I'm trying to be just at ease with myself alone, but as I said, I'm not quite sure if that is possible. We are social animals in the end.
So I think this oversexualization is not only from our distorted mind by porn, but normal for people who have no sex life atm and don't fap...
(Although P and many other things in our society lead to objectification for sure, no doubt about that.)
I am currently MOing once in 20 days but I'm thinking of going down to once in two weeks, because the longer I abstain from O, the harder it gets not to think about sex and look at women.

In the end we really need a healthy sex life (or one at all to begin with =D) to get this out of our mind and to make the reboot complete.
Thank you Canguro! I'm glad that you keep reading my stuff. I read your stuff as well! It feels good to know that we share this problem and we can get trough it together! You are right that we are social creatures and that sexuality is a natural thing to think about. I think there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to do it and I don't think it is very good to think about sex and obsess about it every day. A part of it is human nature but I think much of it comes from unhealthy thought-patterns that can be changed. It should not get in the way of your life.

You bring something up that I think about a lot as well: the longer you go without O the more obsessed you get with women and sex. I wonder if it is better to O (like I did) and just get it over with or to power trough it, feeling like you objectify women more and more until it maybe eventually get easier and stops? I don't know what's best but it is a lot better than going back to PMO in any case. There are risks with both choices.

Today, it felt a lot easier for me to not look at women and I feel stronger mentally. I am going to try my best not to M in the coming 50 days.

I want to thank all of you that writes to me. It makes me feel like I have support and I feel like you guys are backing me up on my journey! I appreciate it!

Have a good day!

/J
 

canguro

Active Member
You are absolutely right that it is an unhealthy way, I agree with that. What I wanted to say is, that I hope our look on women gets more healthy, when we have a healthy sex life and that this obsessing comes from a lack of that. Sure there are other things that play a role, but I think this is one of the most important in our case. Though it would be naive to think that our mind is not still distorted from p.
And nontheless, we have to stop that, we cant use this as an excuse to objectify women. =)
I am looking forward to your report on 50 days without M and if it helps you (or maybe someone else can provide information about wether it gets easier with time).
Stay strong!
 
It sounds like a lot of your inner monologue is coming from a place of loneliness or fear of being with yourself. I understand how it can be difficult during this time of recovery to want to be with yourself; that it brings this fear of slipping into PMO or M habits. Maybe take some time to do something good for yourself that you deserve but haven't in a long time. For example, seating down with a good book, cooking a good meal for yourself, taking a long bath, or trying to get into the mood to meditate more frequently like you have spoken of.

I personally, have been building a bike from the frame up. This is my first bicycle build and aside from the putting it together there is a lot of research and learning that comes with it. I have learned to find joy in not only doing the building but learning how the whole bike and it's components operate. It is very soothing in ways and makes me feel in control of something.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 59.

You have to let yourself have fun sometimes.
I was out on a climate-protest yesterday. I played fiddle on stage. Later me and some friends ate dinner together and drank some beer and watched Youtube-videos until 1 AM. It was fun and I was in good company, but I have a very mild hangover.

I am still in bed now and it is very late in the morning (10:37). I have had fantasies about inviting strangers, sexual fantasy based in reality and mild P-fantasy this morning. I had an urge to go to that chat-site again. That would be such a bad idea but It is hard to let go of it in my head. But I know how stupid that would be. First of all I wouldn't be able to control the time spent there. Minutes would easily turn into hours, I wouldn't get any breakfast and I would be off all day. Secondly It would be creepy, perverted, ape-like and disgusting and therefore I would be ashamed afterwards. thirdly, It would weaken my willpower and set my life-direction towards going back to PMO. I am truly kidding myself when I think that It would just take a few minutes and that It would be fine. I would lose myself.

Yesterday was a day of fun. This is a day of work. This is a day where I need to study a lot. Read a lot. work for my future.
I have to get up now.
Take care and be safe!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 60.

I have made it 60 days without PMO now and I would have felt more pride today if I hadn't gone and had sex-chats with strangers and MO:ed the next day at day 55. Still, I feel good that I haven't watched any P during this time, and I feel good knowing that I am still doing this important work.
It isn't just important for me. It is also important work for the people on this forum, for my future students, friends, family and to humanity as a whole. That may sound silly that my journey would have any effect on the world but all of our journeys are so important because humanity is built up by individual people and we all have more power and influence than we think to make humanity more good than bad. If we change ourselves for the better we also affect others in a positive way.

The things in life that are important are very easy to miss and dulling our senses to those subtle things would be to waste the life that we so miraculously have inside and all around us. That is the main reason that I'm on this journey.

Today wasn't the best day for this journey though because I stayed in bed for a very long time this morning and didn't get out of bed until 3 PM. I looked at garbage-YouTube videos in bed all morning. I also M:ed a little and almost edged.
Tomorrow this will not be a choice because I have a class in the morning. Still, I should restrain myself from bad habits like that in the future. I will from this point have a "no hands on D-policy" except during cleaning and going to the bathroom. I should also be careful about aimlessly watching Youtube-videos as well.

I'm still happy about today because I eventually did all the reading that I was supposed to do. I feel motivated to learn the things that I am learning and I feel that I can learn and improve a lot which is a good thing! I didn't feel the need to ogle any women today. I felt in control and for that I am grateful!

Next stop: 90 days.

Take care!
/ J
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Congrats on day 60, Emptyroom!

I would definitely count not seeing P as a win!

Your current struggles remind me of my own, trying to deal with bad habits that may have supported PMO in the past…! It’s all the brain trying to get its hit of dopamine. But knocking out these other habits can ensure that we stay far from our red-line behaviors. I’m doing better in that regard.

No compromise!

Be well.
 

Emptyroom

Member
This is Emptyroom at 64 days (wednesday 27/10).

I had an intense judo-session yesterday and I feel it in my leg-muscles today. It is a good bad feeling! I feel fine otherwise! My studies feel good right now. I worry a bit about not taking proper care of my teeth. I feel a bit annoyed over the fact that I don't have any interest at all for any new movies this year. The things coming out just seems so uninteresting to me. I have grown tired of pop culture, american actors and personalities and maybe that's a good thing in a way.
Someone on this site posted about something called SMART-recovery. I suggest checking out this site: https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/ it has a lot of useful stuff for people struggling with addiction.

I had a small, not triggering moment, but I felt a bit out of control when It came to what I was doing. I fell into aimless garbage-watching on Youtube. I had a realisation that I was doing that but I didn't stop. Next time it happens I have to realise that It is my choice if I want to do that or not. I guess that it is good that I at least had the realisation that it was bad behaviour from my part but I really have a responsibility to not let it happen again. I could watch some videos just for fun but I can't go aimlessly from video to video like that.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 65.

I realised that I passed my last streak of days (63 days). That's good!

I am beginning to feel the good effects of quitting P. It is hard to explain the feeling but I feel that I have more "life" in my body. More energy and focus I guess. I feel sharper. I am very happy about this effect!

I had a P-memory this morning. I didn't indulge in it and It was unwanted but I am afraid to say that I enjoyed it at some level. Maybe I still don't understand the seriousness of the situation.
I wonder how brittle my situation is. Could I withstand cravings if they came? I should probably do more and read more. School is taking up a lot of my time now but I should spend some time reading about addiction prevention!
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 68.
Everything is going smoothly! I did an exam today and I think it went well. I haven't had any P-thoughts since day 65. I haven't had any real urges since day 55. I am not having any troubles not looking at women for the moment either. If that returns I will remember that it was a temporary thing before and that It will pass. I felt that I needed to MO to make it pass that time though. I wonder If I should do the same thing next time the urges becomes too much.

I am trying to control my Youtube-behaviour by watching one video at the time and not letting my brain shut down in the process of selecting videos. I mean that I try to not select videos by instinct alone. I'm also trying to watch less YouTube-videos (I don't really watch that much in the first place though)
I am also planning to going to the gym and see what happens!

Have a nice day!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 71. (Thursday 04/11)

This morning I managed to realise that I was going to look at a YouTube-video that could have triggered me and I managed to stop myself and not watch it. It felt nice that I could realise what was going on and stop myself but It also makes me worry a bit about my state of mind. I also touched myself for some time this morning before I watched YouTube. I never thought about P though. I think that I probably should be weary of sleeping in to much.

Today I have taken the train to my mothers home where I will have a "mini-vacation for two days. I am not totally relaxed here for the moment but it will probably feel better tomorrow.

Yesterday I was at a sort of gathering at a friends apartment where I met old and some new people. I felt confident and "cool" but I did talk a bit too much and take up a little to much space which I often do. I find it hard sometimes to not put the focus on myself during a social gathering. That is something that I have to think about next time. I need to practice putting my focus on other people more.
Now I have to go to bed! Take care!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 79.

This day ends the first week of a practical part of my education to become a teacher where I spend time in a school, planning and teaching classes. This first week has been very demanding, The school is not in my city so I have to take a train to get there and there I spend the entire day which is packed with activities/work. The planning of lessons takes a long time for me as a beginner and my stress-level are quite high.

I have noticed that working makes me appreciate my free time much more and small things like relaxing with a cup of tea. This Tuesday I had a cup of tea after work and I can't remember ever having such an amazingly good cup of tea. I think that my enjoyment also was affected by my reboot.
I go up at 5-6 AM and come home about 5 PM. This obviously keeps me busy. I have been stressed but I haven't even thoughts about watching anything bad. That makes me very glad.
I am very tired and have to stop writing now.
Have a nice day!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 80 (13/11)

Day 80! My journey has become effortless. This is a good thing but I should be weary because If I get too stressed or If I suddenly become depressed, urges will come. Right now, I am so busy during the day so I don't have time to think about anything else but work. I am not sure what I can do to safeguard myself at this point. I guess it is good to read and post on this site and to find good ways to lower my stresslevels and to try to accept the stress as just a feeling in my body that will pass. I wonder if that is enough.
I wish you a good day!
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 86 (19/11)

Soon I will have reached 90 days! When I look back at my postings here I realise that I have gone trough some real mental changes in a short amount of time (subconscious mental changes) When you have a certain state of mind at a given time, you think that your mind is going to stay like that for a long time and even two weeks seems like forever but it isn't true. One month ago, It was hard not to ogle at women on the streets and now that's no longer a problem. I automatically look away now if a triggering situation occurs. I no longer feel like I am walking in a house of glass or that I could relapse at any moment.

I have been mildly M:ing a bit though in the last two mornings without O and I got blue-balls last night. This is something that I should be weary about and stop doing.

What has happened is simply that I have put more time between myself and P-use. My brain is beginning to heal itself.
This is very good, but it is not enough. I feel that I have to do three things to make this a solid journey that will last in the long run:

1. I have to wait and put distance between myself and P. I have to allow the old P-pathways in my brain fade. This is going very well so far.

2. I have to "map out my life", make goals and make plans. What do I want to add to my life or get better at? What is the smallest action that I can take today to move myself towards one of my goals?

3. I have to rewire with a person I have to meet people and ask women out and see what happens. I am happy that I don't feel desperate about meeting someone. I don't feel like I have to hurry or that my happiness depends on having a sexual partner. I feel that I am okay with becoming old without having a partner, but I would not like to be lonely all my life. I would like to have friends. I have friends at the moment and that feels very good. I hope that I can keep some of them through my life. Anyway I feel that rewiring is something that I have to do in the future if I want to have a good sex-life but at the moment having a good sex-life isn't my goal. My goal is to stay away from P in the long run and to focus on other things in my life with more enjoyment. Having a good sex-life would be nice but I am not going to make it my main focus. Still, I have to try to meet women because It would be nice If I found someone special.


Have a great day

/J
 

canguro

Active Member
Glad you are doing so well bro!
Somehow I envy people who don't necesserily need a partner, for me thats such an important thing and there's a lot of self worth connected to that. I think it would be a huge improvement for me if I could reach that state where my feeling of self worth is not dependend on the love of another person.
I am happy you were able to stop ogling, for me it is still a big fight and sometimes I really lack in discipline when it comes to this. Just had to think of you when I was in the gym and wanted to ask how you are doing, because I had a hard time ignoring the women there. =D
 

Emptyroom

Member
Glad you are doing so well bro!
Somehow I envy people who don't necesserily need a partner, for me thats such an important thing and there's a lot of self worth connected to that. I think it would be a huge improvement for me if I could reach that state where my feeling of self worth is not dependend on the love of another person.
I am happy you were able to stop ogling, for me it is still a big fight and sometimes I really lack in discipline when it comes to this. Just had to think of you when I was in the gym and wanted to ask how you are doing, because I had a hard time ignoring the women there. =D
Thank you very much Canguro! I feel really honoured that you thought of me! I feel that we are all different and one should only really compare oneself to oneself in the past. I don't know if it is a bad thing to long for a partner in general. It is just what it is I feel. About ogling women I don't think that you should be to hard on yourself. I think it will become easier with time and you can only do your best in the moment. It will get better for you as long as you don't stop trying to quit. That's great that you go to the gym! =D That is thing that I really feel I should do but never do. It feels so hard to go to the gym for me. It is one of my goals to get in good shape. Thanks for reading as always bro! Have a great weekend!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 90 (23/11)

90 days! I've made it happen again! This is the third time I pass the 90 day mark. The first time was my first streak in 2016 (made it 145 days) and my ninth streak in 2018 (made it 580 days).

I can't really identify any cognitive benefits now except not feeling a compulsion to watch P. At day 65 I wrote that I felt that I had the feeling of having more "life" in my body. I think that feeling has sort of sunken into the background of my life now. I can't really notice it right now but It probably is there. I didn't really feel serious cognitive benefits during my last streak until day 185 so I didn't expect anything spectacular this day. Still, passing this date it is a symbolic victory.

I feel that you are always at risk when you reach milestone numbers. I have to be careful and not follow the path of any urges today or in the coming days.

I haven't been that good at doing the things I set out to do. I haven't really followed a "no-touch-policy". I haven't really stopped aimlessly watching YouTube (It is not that bad though) and I haven't worked out or meditated. I think that I should be more forgiving to myself about this because discipline is a hard thing to develop. But this is not the day to mope about what I could have done. I made it to 90 days! I must be doing something right! Today is a day of celebration and I am celebrating now with some chocolate.
Thank you all of you that has helped me here on this site and everyone who reads my stuff. Don't forget why you are here. Don't forget what you are fighting for!

My name is Josef by the way. I feel like it is time to reveal it!

Take care!

/Josef
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 91 (36 0 days without MO)

Well, as I expected I have started to feel a stronger need to be sexual with someone. This lead me I'm ashamed to say, to sit on a chat-site yesterday and just say "hi! Guy here!" for an hour or so. I feel even more ashamed to say that I just spend 4 and a half hours doing the same thing. I just could't stop. I wasn't turned on and I didn't engage in sex-chat but It really was compulsive addiction behaviour. I even skipped dinner to continue. I wanted to find a male stranger that lived close to me in my age group to experiment with outside. What are the chances of that happening? Is that F**'ed up or what? And you know what? I actually found someone but I didn't dare to when it came down to it. I don't even find men attractive. I'm not gay. Then I just continued clicking and clicking after that. writing "hi! guy here!" over and over and over and over again. Laying in my bed. It is late, I haven't had any dinner and I have to get up early and take the train tomorrow. I lost all of my free time today doing this. Not even an exaggeration. It was like playing a slot-machine. I did all the work I was supposed to do today but oh my god that was a waste of time. I would consider this to be a kind of relapse but I won't set my counter back because I didn't watch P. I blocked this site before but for some reason the blocker stopped working. I should try to block it again.
I have also been drawn to look at women again.
Hopefully this episode won't be repeated. I have to get my act together now.

I MO:d shortly after writing this. I know It shouldn't be my go to strategy for handling urges. I said before I wanted to at least wait until 50 days before I MO:ed but I thought "why drag it out". I think this was a healthy use of MO. I didn't do it to avoid P but to get rid of innate sexual energy. I just have to wait about a month in between MO so It doesn't become a habit. That would be dangerous.
The positive thing here is that I didn't have an urge to watch P. It was a true bodily urge. P didn't even cross my mind. That feels good. Now it will probably be easier for me to stay away from that site.

/Josef
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Josef, congrats on 90 +1 days!

I know this place of obsession all too well, and the hours that can be lost, the sleep that can be lost...

You said, "Is that F**'ed up or what?" Learn to accept these urges when they come up, without judgement. Even if you've acted on them to a degree (for or against), don't judge it. Kind of step back, take some deep breaths, and just observe these things happening as if you were a separate person from yourself, but without judgement.

Maybe pinch yourself (not to punish) to ground yourself, check your pulse-rate, become aware and mindful of what is happening now, and just appreciate that space between urge and action, take advantage of that space, and just let the urges diminish on their own without acting on them, for or against. Rinse and repeat.

Thank you for sharing your story, and experiences. Identify what behaviors may be feeding these urges, and work with them to strengthen your resolve.
 
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