What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 95 (28/11-21)

Things have been moving along. I MO:ed on day 91 and I MO:ed the day after that, then I MO:ed the day after that. But the urge to MO (that came in the mornings) have stopped now. I haven't felt the urge to MO in two days now.
I have managed to block that chat-site and that feels good. I haven't had the urge to go to it again. I feel like I have my balance again.

Right now, I feel that I don't get that much joy out of life. It is strange because I have more friends than I ever have had. My education is going well. I feel like I will enjoy the work that I have chosen for myself. I get to play music on my spare time. Still I feel that I am disconnected in my life in some way. I don't seem to be able to enjoy things that I used to enjoy. Things like movies and music and hanging with friends. This is something that I have felt for some time. Maybe I need to start doing something new with my life or try to talk to someone about this.

I know that things will get better later in my journey. I will be able to feel better just by waiting but I am sure that If I apply positive things in my life like exercise and eating healthy and meditation things will move faster in the direction that I want. I should make some goals some time next week. I need to think how I want to spend my life. If I don't plan I will waste a lot of my life doing things that I could live without.

Josef, congrats on 90 +1 days!

I know this place of obsession all too well, and the hours that can be lost, the sleep that can be lost...

You said, "Is that F**'ed up or what?" Learn to accept these urges when they come up, without judgement. Even if you've acted on them to a degree (for or against), don't judge it. Kind of step back, take some deep breaths, and just observe these things happening as if you were a separate person from yourself, but without judgement.

Maybe pinch yourself (not to punish) to ground yourself, check your pulse-rate, become aware and mindful of what is happening now, and just appreciate that space between urge and action, take advantage of that space, and just let the urges diminish on their own without acting on them, for or against. Rinse and repeat.

Thank you for sharing your story, and experiences. Identify what behaviors may be feeding these urges, and work with them to strengthen your resolve.
Thank you very much Phineas 808. You always give great advice to me. I will try to do this.

Have a good day everybody!

/Josef
 
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Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 97.

Today have been a bad day when it comes to this journey. I have been kind of relapsing today. I have spend the entire day on a chatsite and I had a few sex chats. I spent a lot of hours watching sexy videos on Youtube as well. I will not reset my counter because I haven't watched any naked pictures or explicit P videos. But it has been the most borderline behaviour since I started almost a hundred days ago. I O:ed watching a video of a woman talking in a dirty way on YouTube. I will try not to judge myself but the day has gone completely to waste. I was free today and I didn't have any plans. I felt very aimless and that is what lead me to give in to this behaviour. I can really only blame myself though. I have felt all day as if I never really got out of bed. I skipped my judo-practice that I have payed for. Instead I had a sex chat with a stranger about meeting me for sex. It didn't happen thank god! That would have been awkward.

I think that I feel that I should feel more benefits at this point and that I have lost the motivation. But things will be better if I wait. P can only make my life worse. This behaviour soothes me temporary but then it takes chunks of my life away and steals my time and peace of mind. I have to be strong and resist. This can't be just words, I have to act to save myself. I have to stop myself from falling down the rabbit hole. I really hope that this will be a short lived storm and that I can be stronger tomorrow. I have almost gone 100 days without P for gods sake! I don't want to throw that away.

Josef
 
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canguro

Active Member
I think the motivation has to come from changing other parts of your life. From continuing on this path of self-improvement, you know? For example getting better at judo, going to the training sessions regulary. But I am sure you will find more aspects in your life where you want to improve! See it not just as quitting porn, but as one step in your journey to become a better version of yourselve. =)

But on the other hand I think we have to acknowledge, that we can't life on a all time high, but that there are times where we are more motivated and times where we are less. Most important is to stick to our good habits even in times where we are less motivated, which would have been going to judo instead of wasting your time with sex chats. ;)
Also, if you want to get more excited about something, read about it, watch videos about it or listen to podcasts! About sport, quitting porn, improving your life in general.

Have a nice evening, Josef! (I'm not quite sure if your from Europe. If not, enjoy whatever daytime it is right know where you live.)
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 97.

Today have been a bad day when it comes to this journey. I have been kind of relapsing today. I have spend the entire day on a chatsite and I had a few sex chats. I spent a lot of hours watching sexy videos on Youtube as well. I will not reset my counter because I haven't watched any naked pictures or explicit P videos. But it has been the most borderline behaviour since I started almost a hundred days ago. I O:ed watching a video of a woman talking in a dirty way on YouTube. I will try not to judge myself but the day has gone completely to waste. I was free today and I didn't have any plans. I felt very aimless and that is what lead me to give in to this behaviour. I can really only blame myself though. I have felt all day as if I never really got out of bed. I skipped my judo-practice that I have payed for. Instead I had a sex chat with a stranger about meeting me for sex. It didn't happen thank god! That would have been awkward.

I think that I feel that I should feel more benefits at this point and that I have lost the motivation. But things will be better if I wait. P can only make my life worse. This behaviour soothes me temporary but then it takes chunks of my life away and steals my time and peace of mind. I have to be strong and resist. This can't be just words, I have to act to save myself. I have to stop myself from falling down the rabbit hole. I really hope that this will be a short lived storm and that I can be stronger tomorrow. I have almost gone 100 days without P for gods sake! I don't want to throw that away.

Josef
Keep up and the good work and be careful, don't play with fire again. Remember that a little bit is actually a lot. Our brain must not be conditioned to believe that we can use porn once in a while.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I have to be strong and resist. This can't be just words, I have to act to save myself. I have to stop myself from falling down the rabbit hole. I really hope that this will be a short lived storm and that I can be stronger tomorrow. I have almost gone 100 days without P for gods sake! I don't want to throw that away.

Hi, Josef!

You won't throw it all away. This momentary battle was only a temporary episode, and not a diving headlong into it.

I know these things happen cyclically for me, maybe tracking with natural horniness (?), I don't know. But the good news is, you can easily identify what these behaviors are, centering around social media (Youtube) and these chat sites...

Do something different to mix things up, and keep yourself engaged. That's the 'secret sauce', changing your tactics and strategies so the brain doesn't just slip into habit-land. Challenge yourself to not repeat, as repetition only strengthens or creates habit, and/or resensitizes old neural pathways.

You got this, brother!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hi, Josef!

You won't throw it all away. This momentary battle was only a temporary episode, and not a diving headlong into it.

I know these things happen cyclically for me, maybe tracking with natural horniness (?), I don't know. But the good news is, you can easily identify what these behaviors are, centering around social media (Youtube) and these chat sites...

Do something different to mix things up, and keep yourself engaged. That's the 'secret sauce', changing your tactics and strategies so the brain doesn't just slip into habit-land. Challenge yourself to not repeat, as repetition only strengthens or creates habit, and/or resensitizes old neural pathways.

You got this, brother!
Yes, it's very important to lose the "I've relapsed anyway, now I should take advantages of this and I will restart tomorrow" mentality. That's how you can throw everything away with a binge. I know, because I am an expert in doing this.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I know, because I am an expert in doing this.

I've been there, too, Escape. I have as one of my focus points to not take advantage of day 0. And it's always good to not binge. But we have to know ourselves, have compassion on ourselves. There may be moments where we do in fact take a day, a few days, before we come back to ourselves, and can start again.

This isn't an excuse, or maybe the lower brain will take it as one, but regardless, we will come back to what I call our base-line self, and begin anew and fresh. How is one able to do this without spinning totally out of control? The more we understand ourselves, have compassion on ourselves, and take a more positive approach, the easier it is to regain control again.

Self-forgiveness, self-compassion are essential.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 100.

Thanks to everyone that has written to me. Even though I don't know you guys I feel a connection to you that helps me in this journey and I thank you for that. It is very good to be able to see yourself from someone else's perspective and get feedback. Even if it someone is telling me something that I really know, it's good to be reminded because I do forget important things all the time.

Well. Things are going well again I think. I'm at day 100 and that feels nice.
I am beginning a new course and I feel that new things are happening. My goal this weekend is to do the schoolwork I am supposed to do AND to finally make myself some short term goals. I will also fill my monthly planner with school-stuff and some fun stuff. I will report how it went on Sunday!
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Here I am! Writing here as I said I would. I have done the schoolwork I set out to do this weekend. I filled my planner with school-stuff and I made some goals for next week!

I have three goals:
1. To get out of bed at 7 am every day of the week. I have tried this before unsuccessfully. It would feel really nice to get the habit of waking up early. I have wanted to get that habit for a long time but it has been really hard to get up when I don't have a train to catch or something. It would feel so nice to wake up early, feel good about it and not be in a hurry or feel like I have wasted time in bed.

2. I am going to make a dish that my friend gave me the recipe to. I am not someone that use to enjoy cooking. I have been very basic when I make meals. I want to change that and become a better cook for myself. I bought the ingredients today and I will make the dish tomorrow or the day after.

3. I am going to meditate at some point every day during the week. At least 15-30 minutes every day but I will be flexible about this.

This has been a great day! I want to become better at appreciating myself when I do good things!

/Josef
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 103.

Goal 1: I went up at 7 am but then I went back to sleep until about 7.45. Still, I got up at 7.
Goal 2: I made the dish! An indian stew and it was very good! I have 4 more portions left and that feels really good because I can eat it for a couple of days! I would like to make something else and invite my friends to eat with me sometime soon! That would be a nice future goal!
Goal 3: I meditated for 30 minutes! For some reason this took some effort. I am glad that I did it! Tomorrow I have to have my meditation earlier because I am going to Judo-practice.

The entire day has gone very well! I looked at some women in the library though but I guess that's natural at some level but I will resist looking more.

I feel a bit sad. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm feeling at some level that I should feel better than I actually am feeling and that I have a feeling of doubt about long-term sobriety and about creating a better life for myself. I have to believe in myself and understand that life always changes. Things don't stay the same way. Anyone can make a long term positive change in their life. I am not destined to fail. I am destined to succeed.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 104 (7/12)
I have already completed one of my goals. Maybe I should make another.

Goal 1: I went up at 7 am but then I immediately went back to bed and stayed there until 9 am. This will not do. Tomorrow I will really try not to go back to bed. I really have to try to resist that urge. It would probably be easier if I went to bed earlier but it's too late now. It's almost midnight. Tomorrow I will go to bed earlier. I will try to go to bed at 22:30.

Goal 2: I meditated for 15 minutes just now. I forgot about it but I managed to do it!

Other things that I feel good about today:

I posted Christmas-cards to 10 of my friends today! It felt like a nice little Christmas project to make them and I am proud that I took the time to do it.

I went to judo-practice today! I was out of shape but I am glad that I was there. I feel like I have become better at judo and that feels good.

I criticised my teacher today in a mature way. That took some courage! I could have supported my complaint more but just the fact that I did it was very good.

I am a bit angry about the state of student-culture and the attitudes of teachers in my university. Many students seems to want to do the bare minimum or less. Some people don't even seem to read the literature for the courses. There was a student today that showed up one hour late to a seminar and was unprepared but the teacher just welcomed him. Another student in my group hadn't done any of the work he was supposed to do in advance. The teacher didn't seem to care. I'm having a hard time not focusing on this. It is hard to focus on myself when the lazy students might become my colleagues in the future but I can't really do much about it and maybe this anger is just a way for my brain to boost my ego. That It's just about me being right and them being wrong. That is one part of it I guess. Maybe these angry thoughts could lead to good things and then maybe I shouldn't be angry. Maybe I am making a chicken out of a feather here. Maybe the problem isn't as big as it seems to me right now.

I hope people find it okay that I write about stuff like this here. It is not directly connected to my journey but indirectly I would say that it is. Writing is a positive way of handling emotions. P is a negative way to handle emotions or at least a way that I want to stay far away from. And this journey is about adding things to my life. It's not only about me in relation to P.

This post was about me trying to add positive things in my life by having goals and by doing other positive stuff.
It was also about trying to process a negative thing that I felt today in a positive way.

Thanks for reading
/Josef
 
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3rdJohn

Member
Josef— I know in my own life, dealing with negative feelings like anger, boredom, fear, etc without turning to PMO for comfort is a great sign of healing. I also love what you said earlier about being destined to succeed, not fail. That is a great mindset to have, since porn no longer defines who you are and who you can be. looking forward to reading more.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 105.

Goal 1: didn't get up at 7 today (went up at 9 am) but I decided before I went to bed that I would cut myself some slack. I was up to late and I didn't want to torture myself. My goal today is instead to go to sleep at 22.30 which is right now so I have to hurry up writing here. Hopefully I can get up at 7 am tomorrow.

Goal 2: I meditated for 15 minutes just now and It felt better afterwards than it did yesterday but I have to meditate earlier in the day. I almost forgot again today. I want to do it sometime before dinner tomorrow.

I read a lot today! I also finally remembered to do a thing that has been hovering over me for a while. I had to scan in a receipt and send in a form before a certain date. Now I don't have to worry about it anymore.
During the evening I was a bit sad and I find it amusing that I was angry (bitter) yesterday and sad today. I realise that It is just a feeling in my body and that my thoughts about how people feel about me isn't really true. My thoughts are not the same as reality. Now I will go to bed! 15 minutes late but it is still a good time to go to bed.

Josef— I know in my own life, dealing with negative feelings like anger, boredom, fear, etc without turning to PMO for comfort is a great sign of healing. I also love what you said earlier about being destined to succeed, not fail. That is a great mindset to have, since porn no longer defines who you are and who you can be. looking forward to reading more.
Thank you for this comment 3rdJohn. Reading it made me glad.

Take care!
/Josef
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I hope people find it okay that I write about stuff like this here. It is not directly connected to my journey but indirectly I would say that it is.

Hi, Josef!

I like to say that it's all related. And this is after all, your journal. For me to utilize my own journal efficiently and honestly, I can't be too concerned on how it appears publicly. I know I am still concerned, but one of my focus goals is to write honest as possible, even if it becomes misunderstood.

Grateful that you have this forum to work out your thoughts and feelings! Grateful for your journey and your success!
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 107 (10/12)

Yesterday I didn't wake up at 7 am and I forgot to meditate. I don't feel sad about it. I want to have the same goals next week and make them more doable. I will try to go to bed earlier. At 10. And I will have an alarm on my phone that reminds me to meditate.

Yesterday I was out with friends and so I choose not to go to bed early. I decided not to try to get up early today but I have been in bed for too long now. It is already time for lunch. I will meditate today though. Then I will figure out the percentage of my goals and see If I can improve next week.

I didn't have any time today to meditate. The day has been so full of stuff and social things. I meditated for 5 minutes in a place that was a bit to noisy. When I came home after a social night with friends (we ate and watched a film) it was too late at night to meditate for me.
 
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Emptyroom

Active Member
How successful was I in implementing my goals this week (mon-fri)
Not very but I showed some potential.

Goal 1: wake up at 7 am every day of the week - Failed goal. Still, I woke up at 7 am 60% of the days.

I woke up at 7 every day because of my alarm but I didn't manage to stay out of bed any day this week. I could not resist the urge to go back to bed. I will have to go to bed earlier next week.

Goal 2: meditate every day of the week 15-30 minutes every day. goal completion unsatisfactory. 60% completion.
I should do it earlier in the day and set an alarm for it. I should also try to do it whenever I remember to do it. For like 5 minutes at a time.

Make a special dish: Goal 100 % completed. I was very happy with this.

Monday; went up for real at 7:45 - meditated for 30 minutes.
Tuesday: went up for real at 9:00 - meditated for 15 minutes
Wednesday: went up for real at 8:00 - meditated for 15 minutes
Thursday: went up for real at: 11:00 - forgot to meditate
Friday: went up for real at 11:45 - didn't meditate

I will have the same goals next week except "make a dish". I will think of a third goal during the weekend.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Day 109.

Today I am going to bed early: 10 PM which is early for me.
My goals for next week are:

1. Meditate for 5-10 minutes at least two times a day (I'm trying to have a more obtainable goal at this stage)
2. Go up at 7 AM in the morning for 5 days and everyday go straight to the sink and splash some cold water in my face before I do anything else.
3. Work on a school-assignment for one hour every day this week.
4. Make that dish again. It was fun last time.

I should be weary about MO, because I have Spontaneously MO:d two days in a row now. That is a bad sign. I will not do it tomorrow. I have become to relaxed about M I feel.

I have some great friends that I really should be thankful for. My brother is moving to my town and that makes me happy as well even if we don't have a great bond with each other. Maybe it will improve when he moves here. I feel a little smarter than before. I don't know if this is an illusion. I am a little stressed about school but I really shouldn't be because I am well ahead with my reading and I feel that the assignment might be easier to do than I think. Now I should have gone to bed 13 minutes ago so take care!
/Josef
 
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