Since you can’t talk to your wife about it, maybe you can talk to her about how some other self work is helping you change. I’ll bet your marriage is worth saving, and porn was f***ing it up.
Well, my porn use certainly wasn't helping! I know for sure it made me expect things from my wife that she never was comfortable with. And, since I watched so much porn for so long, I just thought she should be doing those things. But, are wives are not porn stars, nor are we and to expect that kind of behavior is madness. But that is the world I grew up in and it is very hard at 53 to reshape the narrative in my head. This leads very nicely into my post for today.
Just a heads up, there may be some triggers in this post for some. Just want to give a heads up in case I get too close to a line that will cause an issue for someone.
On Saturday I went to check my latest followers on Twitter. I had a new follower who was gay and posted tons of nude shots of himself and many likes and retweets of serious, hard core gay porn. I want to emphasize before I go too far into this that I have no problems with homosexuality or being gay, bi, pan, whatever. I'm very open minded. However, this has been a long struggle for me and how I view myself and my sexuality.
My mother and father both had dirty magazines at our house. When my brothers and I were very young we found their stash of Playboy, Playgirl and Penthouse magazines. We looked at all of it. Guys and gals included. I was extremely intrigued by the nude men as well as the women. As I grew older and more porn became available, I would start to masturbate to gay pron as well as straight porn and transsexual porn. It was always a very strange thing to me that I could become so aroused watching gay guys having sex. I never looked at guys at the mall, the beach or on the street. Never even thought about sex with them, but when the clothes came off, I was turned on. I discovered that I was very turned off by watching the men kiss each other or hold each other like male/female couples did. I just assumed I was bisexual on some level, maybe not fully bisexual, but lets say open to sex with both men and women. As time went on and I got more and more addicted to porn, especially when high speed internet came around I found myself masturbating more and more to trans and gay porn, but my feelings for men still never changed. I even had a couple of encounters with men. Just oral sex, no penetration and although I did kiss during some of the play it turned me off as much as it did watching it.
This leads me to this weekends triggers. As I was scrolling through this new followers feed, I started to get very aroused. I should have clicked away sooner, but I felt everything coming alive. I did finally click out after a minute or two, took a few breaths and walked away. No PMO, no MO, no searching for more. However, I've had a bit of a cloud in my head since seeing it and it brought up a lot of those old feelings of not really knowing if I'm bi or not. I have no way of truly knowing because even before puberty we were looking at porn, both with men and women. Again, I came to terms with these feelings a long time ago and I'm not here struggling or feeling bad for myself. I'm just more curious than anything. What if I never saw porn? Would I never have been drawn to these other types of sex? Or, are there many shades of bisexuality that draws me to just certain parts of the male anatomy? I just can't imagine myself walking hand in hand down the beach with another man and coming home to cuddle on the couch, but boy can I imagine some hot gay sex.
So, anyway. I did see porn this weekend for a few minutes. I didn't act on it. I didn't seek it out. I didn't let it derail me. But it certainly hit a chord in my head that has had me thinking about all of this stuff. Especially with things not going well with my wife and I and it makes me wonder if we don't make it would I explore more of this type of sexual relationship or would that just be going back to the porn world that got me here.
Never a dull moment in this addicts mind. Oh well, I'm still hanging in there. I'm sure this won't be the last time I stumble upon porn. The world is full of it. I'm just really pleased I was able to walk away.
Have a great day everyone.
