All right guys,
after reading this forum for the last 20 days without participating, I will now make my own thread.
I´m currently reaching one month free of P, most of them without M/O, too.
Till yesterday everything went really smooth, I had nearly no urges. Until last week I was kinda numb, had no appetite, had no joy in listening to music etc.
But last week I recognised a change, my appetite came back, I can enjoy listening to music and even working goes more easy and I´m not just craving the end of the shift. My brainfog seems to clear, too. My dick is still a liveless small worm though.
This really gives me hope that something is changing for the better, but at the same time as my feelings are coming back, my urges are getting worse and I really have to pull myself together not to stare at every goddam beautiful women out there. I know I can make it, but I also feel, that the harder part is now coming, so I hope writing a journal here and communicate with you guys will help me get over it.
When I began I didn´t thought I could do it, honestly. I thought it was just another try that I would fail. But through luck I came to this site and YBOP and I read the book and watched Gabes and Noahs YT-vids (I´m doing Noahs Hynotrance every evening, everyone do that, it´s so helpful!) and I realice, there is no alternative. Seeing what I really did to myself (and my ex-girlfriends) is devastating.
Let me tell you my story in short:
I am 27 now and I fell like I wasted my whole life. I feel like my chances are running out, everyone else at this age is getting married, getting childs etc...and I´m stuck in a fucking mess that is called my life. I´m depressive since I´m 12, traumaticed and with no self-confidence thanks to my mom, P was a easy way to escape and numb myself. Srsly, I don´t really know what was first, P or alcohol, but I pretty soon was fapping every day and drinking myself senseless at every party. Later I started medical drug misuse (is that the correct term in english?) and with 17 I tried to kill myself. My first gf I met a few months later and guess what: ED (I don´t say PIED, as I cannot cleary state it´s not performance anxiety). Really fucked the very last of my confidence. I tried to have sex with other women over the years, but always failed.
With 20 I was homeless, drug addict and full scale alcoholic (drinking 5 litre of whine a day in the end).
With 21 I got into a releationship with a women I would be together with for the next 4 years. I got an apartment, sobered up, got work, even quit smoking later, started working out and everything was looking quite well, if there wasn´t that one thing... I was still PMOing, I lied to my girlfriend about it, about my ED and everything. On retrospect I have no idea why she didn´t leave me earlier, but she had her own problems. And even while I always tried to help her, I´m sure in the end I damaged her more, that I helped her.
Nevertheless, after she left me, I fell back into depression and didn´t get out since 2,5 years. But I´m in therapy now since a year and I was in a hospital for 6 weeks last summer. And in the end I think that I fucked up the last realitionship gave me the understanding, that I had to be honest the next time, no matter what.
Writing this kinda gives me a clear had at the moment.... I really felt fucking lonely the last two years, but maybe it was for the better, as I would have fucked up the next relationship either way, as i was still watching P since this month. I really hated myself for it, for the twisted shit I was watching, as it was not compatible with my ethics at all, for the lack of willpower and mental strength.
I hope this isn´t written to confusing, as I was taken away by my thoughts, but I think even writing this and recapping my live helped me seeing some things more clearly now.
I will take my dignity back. There is no backing down.
Stay strong and till tomorrow!
PS: Some things I do for assistance:
- I changed the place of my pc, formerly I had the pc linked to the tv, so I could just hang on the couch while surfing, now it´s on my desk and I´m using it much less there.
- I have strict (or stricter) sleeping times: 8 - 4:30 on early shift (same as before), 11 - 7:30 at late shift and also on free days (going to bed and standing up earlier is always ok)
- doing the hypnotrance every evening for this month, afterwards doing meditation for like 15 min bevore going to sleep
- I worked out much bevor, but now I go jogging on recovery days, so I´m physical active every day (doing that since two months on advise from my therapist)
- no screen bevore bed, but reading a book to get tired - yeah, I´m really watching after my sleep
- cold shower every morning (doing this since november)
- coming back to making weekly plans, neglected that mostly for the last 2 years
PPS: First letter I got right after signing up is like "Go to this site to rate photos of naked women"
Its just so sick, just think of a brewery making promotion in alcohol rehab.
This industry is srsly criminal.
after reading this forum for the last 20 days without participating, I will now make my own thread.
I´m currently reaching one month free of P, most of them without M/O, too.
Till yesterday everything went really smooth, I had nearly no urges. Until last week I was kinda numb, had no appetite, had no joy in listening to music etc.
But last week I recognised a change, my appetite came back, I can enjoy listening to music and even working goes more easy and I´m not just craving the end of the shift. My brainfog seems to clear, too. My dick is still a liveless small worm though.
This really gives me hope that something is changing for the better, but at the same time as my feelings are coming back, my urges are getting worse and I really have to pull myself together not to stare at every goddam beautiful women out there. I know I can make it, but I also feel, that the harder part is now coming, so I hope writing a journal here and communicate with you guys will help me get over it.
When I began I didn´t thought I could do it, honestly. I thought it was just another try that I would fail. But through luck I came to this site and YBOP and I read the book and watched Gabes and Noahs YT-vids (I´m doing Noahs Hynotrance every evening, everyone do that, it´s so helpful!) and I realice, there is no alternative. Seeing what I really did to myself (and my ex-girlfriends) is devastating.
Let me tell you my story in short:
I am 27 now and I fell like I wasted my whole life. I feel like my chances are running out, everyone else at this age is getting married, getting childs etc...and I´m stuck in a fucking mess that is called my life. I´m depressive since I´m 12, traumaticed and with no self-confidence thanks to my mom, P was a easy way to escape and numb myself. Srsly, I don´t really know what was first, P or alcohol, but I pretty soon was fapping every day and drinking myself senseless at every party. Later I started medical drug misuse (is that the correct term in english?) and with 17 I tried to kill myself. My first gf I met a few months later and guess what: ED (I don´t say PIED, as I cannot cleary state it´s not performance anxiety). Really fucked the very last of my confidence. I tried to have sex with other women over the years, but always failed.
With 20 I was homeless, drug addict and full scale alcoholic (drinking 5 litre of whine a day in the end).
With 21 I got into a releationship with a women I would be together with for the next 4 years. I got an apartment, sobered up, got work, even quit smoking later, started working out and everything was looking quite well, if there wasn´t that one thing... I was still PMOing, I lied to my girlfriend about it, about my ED and everything. On retrospect I have no idea why she didn´t leave me earlier, but she had her own problems. And even while I always tried to help her, I´m sure in the end I damaged her more, that I helped her.
Nevertheless, after she left me, I fell back into depression and didn´t get out since 2,5 years. But I´m in therapy now since a year and I was in a hospital for 6 weeks last summer. And in the end I think that I fucked up the last realitionship gave me the understanding, that I had to be honest the next time, no matter what.
Writing this kinda gives me a clear had at the moment.... I really felt fucking lonely the last two years, but maybe it was for the better, as I would have fucked up the next relationship either way, as i was still watching P since this month. I really hated myself for it, for the twisted shit I was watching, as it was not compatible with my ethics at all, for the lack of willpower and mental strength.
I hope this isn´t written to confusing, as I was taken away by my thoughts, but I think even writing this and recapping my live helped me seeing some things more clearly now.
I will take my dignity back. There is no backing down.
Stay strong and till tomorrow!
PS: Some things I do for assistance:
- I changed the place of my pc, formerly I had the pc linked to the tv, so I could just hang on the couch while surfing, now it´s on my desk and I´m using it much less there.
- I have strict (or stricter) sleeping times: 8 - 4:30 on early shift (same as before), 11 - 7:30 at late shift and also on free days (going to bed and standing up earlier is always ok)
- doing the hypnotrance every evening for this month, afterwards doing meditation for like 15 min bevore going to sleep
- I worked out much bevor, but now I go jogging on recovery days, so I´m physical active every day (doing that since two months on advise from my therapist)
- no screen bevore bed, but reading a book to get tired - yeah, I´m really watching after my sleep
- cold shower every morning (doing this since november)
- coming back to making weekly plans, neglected that mostly for the last 2 years
PPS: First letter I got right after signing up is like "Go to this site to rate photos of naked women"
Its just so sick, just think of a brewery making promotion in alcohol rehab.
This industry is srsly criminal.
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