Hi, Wanderer.
Know that they will come, but be non-judgmental about it. Focus on your breath until the urges pass, and rinse and repeat should they return. This is called 'urge surfing'. You will learn that you can outlast any urge.
Journal for my reboot
- Thread starter 96LostWanderer
- Start date
Hi, Wanderer.
Know that they will come, but be non-judgmental about it. Focus on your breath until the urges pass, and rinse and repeat should they return. This is called 'urge surfing'. You will learn that you can outlast any urge.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
Thanks for the advice. I had some big temptations earlier but put my phone down and went to another SAA meeting. Now feeling motivated again.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
November 22nd 2021
Day 4, fought off some temptations, started my blocker up again
Day 4, fought off some temptations, started my blocker up again
96LostWanderer
Active Member
November 23rd 2021
Day 5, still having lots of urges but holding out
Day 5, still having lots of urges but holding out
96LostWanderer
Active Member
November 24th 2021
Day 6
Day 6
96LostWanderer
Active Member
November 25th 2021
Day 7, still dealing with major urges
Day 7, still dealing with major urges
96LostWanderer
Active Member
Relapse on day 7
Lately it seems you relapse on 'day 7', though I've also seen an 11 day streak....?
Recognize that something cyclical is going on in a week's time. Maybe it's the day? Maybe it's the stress of the week? Maybe something around this time cues you into feeling urges or thinking that you need to act on them.
Challenge yourself to do better than 7 days, better than 11 days (maybe 8, and 12 can be consecutive mini-goals?). Pay attention to thought processes, habitual behaviors that aren't themselves necessarily porn, but lead up to PMO. Have you identifed your ritual?
Knowing ourselves is key to hacking into our unwanted habits, and changing them.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
I feel like the more days pass the less belief I have that I can carry on the streak. I’m so used to failing that it’s like I’ve lost the belief I can succeed. My urges also aren’t helped by the fact that sometimes I go to NSFW Twitter pages before clicking away from them. So it’s like I’m toying with the idea before deciding against it. Eventually if I do that enough times I will relapse though. I really need to stick to a rule of not even doing that because it increases the temptation.
My other rules that I need to be stricter about are
a) Don’t take my phone into my bedroom
b) don’t imagine that one peek or one relapse is a ‘reward’ for a period of abstaining, or somehow OK
C) Keep reading YBOP book every day
Anyway today is day 1 again, I’ve avoided porn and any kind of temptation and I’m feeling motivated to carry on my mission.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, I've been saying this around the forum: A relapse often starts in the head before it actually happens. Some of us don't even see it coming. It's a build up, a craving for porn, it's negotiating with the addiction, maybe it's the "I can handle this, I don't need to be super strict" (which is a feature of mine), it's the "It's only a picture, I'm not 'there yet'". We are not porn addicts, we are dopamine addicts, we have a problem in the head, not below the belt. What happens with those habits like porn is that the anticipation releases dopamine. Any time we feel like "I wish I could watch but I can't, but maybe some picture, you know?" it gets the dopamine going. As you said, we need to be super strict and not touch anything, until we can say for sure that we are in control because now porn is in control. Just like you, I am an expert in building up the relapse before it inevitable happens. But what I've also noticed is that this porn habit is very repetitive, I pretty much start the relapse in the same way. What we need is to disrupt this repetition by making the breaking of habit repetitive, done over and over again until the habit's repetition dies.
At least two things are happening: 1) You're 'white-knuckling' through, meaning that you're not entirely committed, and so each day the resolve becomes less and less; and 2) You're already feeding or responding to the urges toward acting out.
It's very challenging to keep resolve or will-power going, and that alone isn't what helps us. That's why habit change is so important, and mindfulness.
About the length of time, instead of looking too far ahead, do it day by day. Like say, "I made it yesterday, I'll make it today." Or, I've made it for 6 days, I can do another day, and another..." so on.
We definitely have to give ourselves a fighting chance. I know p-subs have been a particular struggle of mine, but if I didn't address this, I would just continue setting myself up for failure. Also, if we can say 'No' to the pitfalls on social media, we can say 'No' when we're tempted toward actual PMO.
Address the smaller snakes, and the bigger dragons will fall.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I know from experience that when porn is the forbidden fruit (I want to watch but I can't), it builds frustration and I feel forcefully deprived which brings anger too. We need to brainwash ourselves back into believing that porn is not an option and I also agree with habit change, disrupting the repetitive behavior and mindfulness too. I also believe in breaking everything down to the smallest thing, which is second by second. The mind can't tolerate the thought of many days or months of urges and stuff but it can tolerate "the now". It helps to see everything like: "Okay, this is what is happening now, I feel urges, I don't like how I feel but it's part of the process of eventually feeling better." In those moments it's best not to think about the future or past failure and (very very important) not to fantasize porn. It's the mind's tendency to start the porn movie in our head when we crave porn, like what happened to me this morning, but I said: "No, fuck this, let me think about something else" and I pictured myself running in the park.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
@Phineas 808 @Escapeandnevercomeback
Thanks for both of your advice. I agree the main change needed is in perception. I am trying to remind myself that porn is not a cure for my problems, simply a major cause. As long as I keep watching it I will continue feeling down about myself and my life won’t be where I want it to be
Thanks for both of your advice. I agree the main change needed is in perception. I am trying to remind myself that porn is not a cure for my problems, simply a major cause. As long as I keep watching it I will continue feeling down about myself and my life won’t be where I want it to be
Flyfisherman
Member
Keep going man! Try to forget about porn all together and focus on what you want to achieve in life. It's been said a lot but I firmly believe that quitting porn can not be anyone's ultimate goal. Instead a person should create a vision of the future for themselves and aim for that.
Staying fully committed to a vision will make you forget about porn. It'll become a non-issue. Sure, you will have some moments when you might long for the past dopamine rushes, but that is when you can utilize all the knowledge you already have acquired about quitting PMO (PMO blockers etc.)
Anyways, I've been trying to incorporate this kind of thought to my own thinking. I feel that I've just banged my head against the wall too long trying to just quit porn and not change anything in my life.
Good luck with your journey!
Staying fully committed to a vision will make you forget about porn. It'll become a non-issue. Sure, you will have some moments when you might long for the past dopamine rushes, but that is when you can utilize all the knowledge you already have acquired about quitting PMO (PMO blockers etc.)
Anyways, I've been trying to incorporate this kind of thought to my own thinking. I feel that I've just banged my head against the wall too long trying to just quit porn and not change anything in my life.
Good luck with your journey!
96LostWanderer
Active Member
Thanks for the advice. It’s hard to simultaneously forget about porn and try to quit it at the same time. But I know what you mean. It’s about looking at life more generally.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
December 4th 2021
Haven’t been so active on here the past few days as I’m still doing badly with porn relapses. Went about a week again then relapsed properly today. Brought on by some peeking yesterday. Talked to my therapist yesterday and she says I should go to the doctor to ask them about ways to manage anxiety and depression. So I will book an appointment.
Haven’t been so active on here the past few days as I’m still doing badly with porn relapses. Went about a week again then relapsed properly today. Brought on by some peeking yesterday. Talked to my therapist yesterday and she says I should go to the doctor to ask them about ways to manage anxiety and depression. So I will book an appointment.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
Three triggers happened in succession to make my mood low/stressed.
Last night a girl came into my store saying she had overdosed on painkillers and I had to take her to A&E before it got worse. Result: stress
Saw a girl I have fancied for quite a while out with her boyfriend this morning. Result: feeling low
Job interview. Result: stress
Any tips on how to deal with stress or low moods? Porn is my go-to escape on a subconscious level now.
Last night a girl came into my store saying she had overdosed on painkillers and I had to take her to A&E before it got worse. Result: stress
Saw a girl I have fancied for quite a while out with her boyfriend this morning. Result: feeling low
Job interview. Result: stress
Any tips on how to deal with stress or low moods? Porn is my go-to escape on a subconscious level now.
The stress is a cue (or trigger), and P is your response. Find that space between cue, urges, and response.
When feeling stressed in the moment, take a minute to do some deep breathing exercises: slowly and deeply inhale through the nostrils, and slowly exhale from the mouth. Do like 3 - 5 of these. If stressed, or feeling urges, check your pulse rate. Elevated, right? Check it after a few deep breaths, significantly slower, right?
Also, as a discipline, try to meditate in the mornings before your day. There's several videos that can teach you how to do it. You can look up meditation in relation to stress, or mindful meditation.
96LostWanderer
Active Member
Thanks for the advice @Phineas 808
I tried meditation before and was making it into a daily routine but then I got lazy and stopped, I'll start it again. I used to find it especially helpful when getting home from work
I tried meditation before and was making it into a daily routine but then I got lazy and stopped, I'll start it again. I used to find it especially helpful when getting home from work
96LostWanderer
Active Member
December 10th 2021
Day 2
Had a short call with an SAA fellow today which has helped my motivation to avoid porn
Day 2
Had a short call with an SAA fellow today which has helped my motivation to avoid porn