Journal for my reboot

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Squidward81

Member
96LostWanderer said:
November 5th 2021

Day 3
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Hey man. I'm right there struggling with you. I'm working so hard to not go to porn. I totally feel that it will make me feel better but it won't. Im just being a slave to this addiction and I hate it.
You can do this! Keep getting back up. Each time you fall & get back up, you gotta believe you are getting stronger.
Keep it going man!
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Squidward81 said:
Hey man. I'm right there struggling with you. I'm working so hard to not go to porn. I totally feel that it will make me feel better but it won't. Im just being a slave to this addiction and I hate it.
You can do this! Keep getting back up. Each time you fall & get back up, you gotta believe you are getting stronger.
Keep it going man!
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thanks for the support man. Unfortunately I relapsed again today. The past few months have been really bad for relapses. This time last year I could go a month and relapse maybe once, now I relapse once or twice a week on average. But I’ll keep getting up again each time and hopefully I’ll do it so often there will be a breakthrough. I keep trying to learn something after each relapse to make sure it doesn’t happen again but new triggers keep coming up
 
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Squidward81

Member
96LostWanderer said:
thanks for the support man. Unfortunately I relapsed again today. The past few months have been really bad for relapses. This time last year I could go a month and relapse maybe once, now I relapse once or twice a week on average. But I’ll keep getting up again each time and hopefully I’ll do it so often there will be a breakthrough. I keep trying to learn something after each relapse to make sure it doesn’t happen again but new triggers keep coming up
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Hey man!
Let's try to just make it through today! Starting now. I'll walk it with you.

Let's check in tonight. Fight with all you've got. Hide the phone, spend the day outside. Do a project you've been putting off. Let me know at the end of the day what you did & I'll do the same! We've got this!
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Squidward81 said:
Hey man!
Let's try to just make it through today! Starting now. I'll walk it with you.

Let's check in tonight. Fight with all you've got. Hide the phone, spend the day outside. Do a project you've been putting off. Let me know at the end of the day what you did & I'll do the same! We've got this!
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thanks man. I’m in the UK so the day is mostly completed for me, just the rest of the evening left. But I am going to see a friend and will check in again later. Let me know how you get on!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
96LostWanderer said:
thanks for the support man. Unfortunately I relapsed again today. The past few months have been really bad for relapses. This time last year I could go a month and relapse maybe once, now I relapse once or twice a week on average. But I’ll keep getting up again each time and hopefully I’ll do it so often there will be a breakthrough. I keep trying to learn something after each relapse to make sure it doesn’t happen again but new triggers keep coming up
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I feel you, man. It happens to me, too. I went 50 days without porn in the summer, I binged, I had some partial success after than but then I got to a point where I can't even reach 10 days. :( It got really difficult, for some reason. Failures are starting to pile up I guess.
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I feel you, man. It happens to me, too. I went 50 days without porn in the summer, I binged, I had some partial success after than but then I got to a point where I can't even reach 10 days. :( It got really difficult, for some reason. Failures are starting to pile up I guess.
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I think once you have a relapse it’s too easy to justify another one in your mind. That’s because we focus on streaks so the early days when we’re not on a streak seem difficult. I keep trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
November 14th 2021

Relapsed a couple of days ago so I'm on my day 2 again.

I had a thought which gave me more motivation. My parents know about my porn problems but I haven't talked to them about it recently. My siblings don't know (as far as I'm aware) and my friends don't know the extent of it, although they used to joke about it years ago. So in a sense I have a hidden problem that I have mostly shared with my therapist and to a degree with the SAA group recently.

This made me feel like I am leading a double life. I started to think about how my friends and siblings would view my porn habit. I've started to feel a lack of integrity and honesty as a result of these reflections. I'm hoping this will give me increased motivation to avoid porn going forward, so I feel more open and less like I'm hiding something.
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
November 18th 2021

Relapse on day 6

Everything going well and then let it slip today. Going to focus on not relapsing any more this week and then be clean next week.
 
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Filmguy30

Member
Hey man, I know you’ve been at this for awhile, really trying to “quit”. Listen though - we’re not quitting anything. With every time we watch porn or convince ourselves “one last peek”, we’re just turning to something that makes our life worse. There’s nothing pleasurable about letting porn tear our lives apart. If we just stop today and decide that we’re not leaving anything behind, we can look towards a new life, free from porn.
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Filmguy30 said:
Hey man, I know you’ve been at this for awhile, really trying to “quit”. Listen though - we’re not quitting anything. With every time we watch porn or convince ourselves “one last peek”, we’re just turning to something that makes our life worse. There’s nothing pleasurable about letting porn tear our lives apart. If we just stop today and decide that we’re not leaving anything behind, we can look towards a new life, free from porn.
Click to expand...

I keep trying to get into this mindset, reminding myself of the ways porn has damaged my life and led me to things I regret. I’ve committed to not watching porn many, many times over and always failed eventually. But I believe the biggest failure is to give up completely. I’ll keep posting on this forum and keep trying to foster that idea of a life free from porn. Also carrying on with YBOP book and the reading EasyPeasy method.
 
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