Sorry for your struggles, Eric, including with your wife. I know how that goes, and it sucks.
I know it's a challenge, but do this first and foremost for you. If she can't partner with you about it, you need to find a way to untangle her from this, so you can fight this battle on your own.
We got ourselves into this, only we alone can get ourselves out. As men, we can support each other, understanding how we are, how we think... Most women (I say, 'most') do not understand this struggle, and are frankly not equipped to handle it. They can't handle lying all to well either, but that's where self-care has to trump putting it all out there, and getting squashed.
The question I pose to myself is, am I telling a lie or am I living a lie? I may have to tell one or two to save myself, even save my marriage, but if I'm at least trying to change myself, I'm at least not living a lie. Rather, I'm being true to myself. My marriage cannot help but benefit from that, anyway.