I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[Phineas 808]

jonazo, Yes this is a community, but do this journey, this journal first and foremost for you. If you fall down, getting up is what your focus should be. I'm inspired in your getting up and going again.

It may look up and down for a little while, but as you learn what approach works best for you, and get the 'right focus' to stay true to your goals, you'll soon be logging lengthier and lengthier streaks.

But it's a struggle for all of us, on one level or other, even if we're logging lengthier streaks.

Be strong, you got this.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, still going strong as I head to bed after I'm done walking the dog. I've noticed I've been sightly irritable and having trouble concentrating at work (although it could just be regular irritability with my work day and normal stressors). Nothing I can't handle, and I think I'm doing okay not taking it out on my girlfriend. We're waking up early to go to an estate sale, which was frustrating to me, even though I want to start waking up earlier. But I'm sure it'll be a nice time. It's our anniversary next week and we're supposed to be celebrating it this weekend. I haven't done much for it (haven't gotten A gift yet), which I feel bad about (although I still have some time) so I want to make sure I show her a good time tomorrow. Part of why I'm quitting porn is for our relationship, so I just gotta be aware of that if ever I feel irritable or anything. But man, I hate having to wake up early on my weekend!

Just trying to write down my potential stressors and risks so that I'm aware of them as they come up.


Will check in again soon, thanks for all the support and kind words.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, still going strong. Had a nice day with my girlfriend and then stayed up to watch a movie on my own and going to bed now. Earlier today I was laying in bed about to take a nap, and I caught myself kinda "trolling around" on YouTube and Facebook, waiting for a trigger. It's very familiar behavior. Luckily I was too tired and the desire for sleep won over before I was able to trigger myself. I'd like to call that progress but I'm also aware that I was somewhat lucky I stopped when I did. In any case I didn't view anything really even "Yellow" so I feel good about that.

Good night! Hope everyone's doing well. I'll check in on some other posts tomorrow or the next day.

 

[jonazo91]

Man.

After a few really strong days, I decide to stay up late and oh, I dunno, maybe watch a little TV, maybe dick around on my phone for a while...

At a certain point, I have to understand when I'm setting myself up for failure and not allow myself to do that.

I was doing okay, or at least not using porn, for a good portion of the night, and then all of a sudden the animal part of my brain comes up and goes "search up some porn." And I was doing it. And I was kind of mindlessly scrolling through some images, not really dedicated to the idea of it, thinking I could still back out if I wanted to at this point...

And then, a gift from God, probably. My phone died. Even when I started scrolling I considered this ("I only have 10% left, my phone will probably die before I really decide to do anything stupid"). And it did. My phone died on me. And I actually thought to myself, "this is a gift. I can stop now and still salvage the night. I will be so happy with myself for stopping here."

And then I decide to go on my computer and search up softcore stuff. Which is stupid, because no part of my brain considers softcore to somehow be Okay. Especially not for an addict like me. It was just an excuse, for some reason, even though it was fooling absolutely no one. I guess somewhere I decided God wouldn't be as mad or something. But it was just a dumb excuse and I KNEW IT WAS JUST A DUMB EXCUSE THE WHOLE TIME. I was not fooling anyone.

Didn't matter. Still did what I apparently "needed" to do.


It's times like this that I really wonder, when did it really start? Did it start as soon as I decided to stay up later than I needed (or ought) to, for no real reason except going to sleep seemed too boring? At a certain point, even though I hadn't done anything technically "wrong" yet, I already knew I was starting. But the thing that drives me nuts is I had a golden chance to stop. And I just threw it in the trash, on purpose. I was sitting there for at least 3 minutes, almost winning the war of the mind, thinking to myself, literally, "Thank God." That's the part that upsets me. That the good part of my brain had a say, and I still decided to go with the base, animal part of my brain instead. That feels like weakness to me.


Okay, so what now. It's late. I really ought to have been in bed 3 hours ago. I considered for a split second, not posting about this event tonight, but by that point, "post-nut clarity" told me that if I want to give myself any serious chance to recover, I absolutely, 100% need to hold myself accountable to this community every single time I have a slip-up. No excuses. So here I am. Now, I'm going to go to bed and try to get a decent sleep so that tomorrow I can try to meet my demons with more strength and resistance than I had today.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Porn addiction works with dopamine and cues. Your late at night with the phone seems to be a cue for porn addiction to start bothering you. Routine might help. Form this routine of going to sleep at the same hour each night without the phone and see how it goes.

The thing with porn addiction is that once you get the dopamine going by indulging in anything, it's difficult to abandon the session. I never really stop successfully once I start.

 

[jonazo91]

Tonight I'm going to bed a little earlier. Tomorrow's my anniversary with my girlfriend (of our first date) and I did get her a card but never found her an actual gift. Aah. I suck. I did get her flowers a couple days ago as an early kind of anniversary thing, so maybe that'll be something. I don't know. Not gonna lie I'm a little nervous that I came up short this year.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty low about the night before. But my mood got a little better throughout the day and now I'm ready to hit the hay. Hopefully this is the start of something good. In a few hours (I'll be asleep hopefully) I'll have 24 hours again, which is always a good feeling.

Good night.

 

[jonazo91]

Hanging out alone again tonight, just playing some Mario kart. This is a time when I'm very vulnerable to urges, although nothing strong is hitting me tonight (a few "tickles" of urges, if that makes sense, which I almost welcome, because they feel like battles I can win easily and it's good practice to be able to beat them). Nevertheless I think that means it's time for bed. It's already rather late.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hanging out alone again tonight, just playing some Mario kart. This is a time when I'm very vulnerable to urges, although nothing strong is hitting me tonight (a few "tickles" of urges, if that makes sense, which I almost welcome, because they feel like battles I can win easily and it's good practice to be able to beat them). Nevertheless I think that means it's time for bed. It's already rather late.

That's right, man. Porn brings nothing. Porn is not something we need. Porn has brainwashed us into thinking that it is something very important in our lives, like a very close friend, like that ultimate comfort for our discomfort. Look past this and you see that porn is absolutely nothing for us.

 

[jonazo91]

Really feel like I'm spinning my wheels at this point. I didn't use PMO last night, even though I had trouble getting to sleep and had to get out of bed to read for a while at like 4 AM. And then today I was/am tired, and have quite a few stressors coming at me at once (planning to go to this concert thing tonight, plus trying to coordinate a plumbing job that needs to be done in my apartment). I was not in a good mood. And then I started work. Feeling weak, and with very little resistance, I end up scrolling on twitter and find a trigger, and then sure enough I'm back to PMO.

Very obvious that I was not in a good place to fight off my urges right now. But this sucks. I can't just expect that I'm always going to be in a good enough mood and have enough energy to easily fight off urges. I need a plan for when my mood is low, or when I'm feeling the stresses of life.

Right now, I sure as hell don't feel better about myself. I hope at least I can focus better and finish out my work day strong, but it's pathetic that I needed that crutch. Not happy with myself at all. It's like, I wonder if I even have the resolve to even take the first step towards kicking this addiction.

Sorry guys, once again. Starting back at square zero, right now.


EDIT: It's like, when I feel most like I don't have any control over my life, like I'm just responding to various responsibilities and feeling bogged down by them all. I don't know. I really have to start doing better at this.

 

[jonazo91]

Okay, well I'm back to 24 hours clean, although I did briefly search up porn earlier today. I was able to quickly stop myself before I took it any further. I'm gonna chalk it up to having just woken up and the rational part of my brain needing a minute or two to wake up and take charge. Instead, I watched the "Your Brain on Porn" animated videos series on youtube, which is an awesome little series of videos that I think they should show in sex ed classes everywhere.

Check in again soon.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in again, still going strong for now. It really is all about chaining good days together. I haven't had any strong urges yet, only slight (and brief) ones that I've been able to shrug off.

I'm going out with some friends after work tonight, I'm gonna try to take it easy on drinking (a sometimes trigger) and keep going strong through the weekend. Check in again soon.

 

[jonazo91]

Messed up again. I did have a short internal debate with myself beforehand, which my "porn brain" seemed all too eager to win. The problem is I don't even get to "I need to." I give in at "I want to," which is maybe even stronger. What I need to do is work out and fix my sleep schedule, but that doesn't seem to motivate me. "Wanting to" is a direct ticket to doing it.

I think the biggest trigger was that I went out drinking with some buddies. I'm not a problem drinker, but of course, my ability to control compulsive actions goes way down once I'm tipsy. I also smoked a cigarette, which I justified as a sort of "replacement" but apparently was actually a gateway.

I can't dwell on the failure and get depressed, though. The only ticket out is optimism and determination. So I'll try again starting now. I might have to change up my strategy though.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 1

I feel a little better. I woke up on
Sunday on almost no sleep but with a new sense of resolve. Not counting days didn't seem to be doing me any favors, so I'm starting my day count now. I'm ready to get real serious about quitting.

I noticed myself ogling women today while I was out grocery shopping. I don't think noticing pretty women is necessarily a problem, but I have to reckon with the fact that part of what I'm trying to change is the way I think about women and the way I respect their boundaries, whether or not they notice me disrespecting them.

Anyway that's just a stray thought. I'm hanging out with my girlfriend and her friend now so I'll check in later.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 2

Feeling fine, no strong urges or triggers. I'm ready to be free!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 2

Feeling fine, no strong urges or triggers. I'm ready to be free!

That's right, man. We are ready to be free. I got mad, man. I'm not prepared to die mediocre. I was ready to give up a few days ago but then I read a post on another website. The guy started describing himself while being an addict and it sounded as if I had written it myself. Mediocre, weak, invisible, nobody gave a fuck about him, girls didn't see him etc. Then he talked about what it was like after a long period away from porn and holy shit man I got so mad. I've always fantasied about what I wanted to be but I never got there. Then I turned 30 and there is not much difference since my 18 years old version. I got so mad, I told myself that since I can't kill myself, I can't continue to live like this for the rest of my life. I just can't. I can't be this mediocre guy anymore. Yes, I had to admit I was a loser. There is no problem in telling yourself the truth. "I am a loser." It's okay, I won't stay a loser forever (unless I don't do anything about it) but first I need to start with the truth. And everybody here needs to start with the truth: "I am this, that, I have this dreams that I haven't accomplished etc." And then quit the fuckin porn that makes us function in first gear on a highway. We need to drop this fuckin 700 pounds gorilla named "porn" off our back so we can move freely. Or else stay "dead". Are we the best versions of ourselves? Do we want in 20 years from now on to say: "I have no regrets, I've lived my life" ? We can't do too much without the energy and motivation and porn is the ultimate killer of both.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Messed up again. I did have a short internal debate with myself beforehand, which my "porn brain" seemed all too eager to win. The problem is I don't even get to "I need to." I give in at "I want to," which is maybe even stronger. What I need to do is work out and fix my sleep schedule, but that doesn't seem to motivate me. "Wanting to" is a direct ticket to doing it.

I think the biggest trigger was that I went out drinking with some buddies. I'm not a problem drinker, but of course, my ability to control compulsive actions goes way down once I'm tipsy. I also smoked a cigarette, which I justified as a sort of "replacement" but apparently was actually a gateway.

I can't dwell on the failure and get depressed, though. The only ticket out is optimism and determination. So I'll try again starting now. I might have to change up my strategy though.

The problems start when you crave porn, when you tell yourself: "I wish I could watch but I can't." Easy Peasy method talks about it (excellent text by the way, everybody should read it). We need to make up our minds that we don't want porn anymore. Anytime we look at it like the forbidden fruit which gives us I don't know what, that it's so important in our lives (as if this is true), we will crave porn. But now I'm mad. I had no urges in those 2 days just out of being so mad at the whole situation. I know urges will come but fuck everything, I won't give in anymore to them even if it means being sick.

Alcohol is in top 3 of things that sabotage me. Because I am an alcoholic, I couldn't stay away from alcohol for too long and this killed almost all my porn streaks. 12 days ago I quit alcohol and I won't look back. Yes, I have to deal with 2 fuckin addictions what can I say? It is what it is, fuck that.

 

[jonazo91]

The problems start when you crave porn, when you tell yourself: "I wish I could watch but I can't." Easy Peasy method talks about it (excellent text by the way, everybody should read it). We need to make up our minds that we don't want porn anymore. Anytime we look at it like the forbidden fruit which gives us I don't know what, that it's so important in our lives (as if this is true), we will crave porn. But now I'm mad. I had no urges in those 2 days just out of being so mad at the whole situation. I know urges will come but fuck everything, I won't give in anymore to them even if it means being sick.

Alcohol is in top 3 of things that sabotage me. Because I am an alcoholic, I couldn't stay away from alcohol for too long and this killed almost all my porn streaks. 12 days ago I quit alcohol and I won't look back. Yes, I have to deal with 2 fuckin addictions what can I say? It is what it is, fuck that.

I've listened to about 2/3rds of the easy peasy method on audiobook (I really ought to just finish it) and I agree, it was some of the most insightful input on what it takes to be done with porn (or probably any other addiction). You just have to want a better life, it's just sitting there waiting for you! Right now, I'm just so excited to be done. Every day, porn is farther and farther away in my past. That's exciting!

 

[jonazo91]

Day 3

This morning, I woke up out of a dream of relapsing. It was almost eerie how specific it was, I knew just what sites I was gonna look at and I was all excited setting up my whole "session" (even though, even in my dream, I still felt a little guilty), and then, in my dream, I was interrupted (but not caught) by my girlfriend, and shortly after, I woke up. And I was so thankful that it was just a dream. Of course, I know there's still that devil inside me that wants to use porn, and it apparently wanted to express itself in my subconscious. But I knew that was there anyway. I'm not gonna beat myself up over a dream. I'm just glad that it was only a dream and I'm still on my journey away from porn.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I've listened to about 2/3rds of the easy peasy method on audiobook (I really ought to just finish it) and I agree, it was some of the most insightful input on what it takes to be done with porn (or probably any other addiction). You just have to want a better life, it's just sitting there waiting for you! Right now, I'm just so excited to be done. Every day, porn is farther and farther away in my past. That's exciting!

Yes, the book talks about the "brainwashing" or why we feel like porn is something great and important in our lives and why it actually isn't. It's the process of de-brainwashing, if we want to call it this. We need to replace the beliefs in our head regarding porn. We don't need porn, it's nothing for us, we can live our lives and cope without it. People have been doing it for thousand of years, it's only recently that people started using this bullshit for coping.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 3

This morning, I woke up out of a dream of relapsing. It was almost eerie how specific it was, I knew just what sites I was gonna look at and I was all excited setting up my whole "session" (even though, even in my dream, I still felt a little guilty), and then, in my dream, I was interrupted (but not caught) by my girlfriend, and shortly after, I woke up. And I was so thankful that it was just a dream. Of course, I know there's still that devil inside me that wants to use porn, and it apparently wanted to express itself in my subconscious. But I knew that was there anyway. I'm not gonna beat myself up over a dream. I'm just glad that it was only a dream and I'm still on my journey away from porn.

I've had a lot of those dreams. I would wake up right after them and it would take me like 2 minutes to realize I hadn't relapsed and it was just a dream. That's how powerful and vivid they could be. Sometimes I would wake up right after with massive urges because, you know, when you dream something, the way you feel in the dream is actually the way you feel for real. If the dream is something scary, you will be scared too. if the dream is porn, you get turned on. It's very annoying, that's how easy it is to relapse.