I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Gotta say, the porn blocker takes away a lot of temptation just by nature of it being so much more difficult to access porn. I’m sure if I really wanted to maybe I could find a way, but in all the moments I’m just idly looking up porn on a whim, those moments aren’t available to me anymore.

PMO last week: 4
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 5 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I’m noticeably bitchier to my wife with no good reason. But it’s not too bad. Just something I need to be aware of. No reason to take it out on her. I feel like now is about the time I would really start craving, and I feel some behaviors kicking in that I need to be aware of. But once again, the porn blockers are working with my laziness. I guess I COULD in theory concoct a plan to find porn, but in the lazy, idle moods that I find myself craving porn, I’m too lazy to engineer a way to access it. Sounds bad but I’ll take it. I do also want to be more motivated and action-oriented, though. I’ve been getting lazy in s a lot of aspects and it’s not good. But still, I’m glad to be through a week clean of porn.



PMO last week: 4
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 7 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Merry Christmas everyone.

Unfortunately this afternoon, after 11 good days, I relapsed on some p subs on YouTube. The good news is the 11 days. The bad news is that relapsing on Christmas feels pretty bad. I still have a lot to do as family (in-laws) are on their way into town and I have a big Christmas dinner to cook. I’m disappointed in myself. I’d gone quite a while without any strong urges or acting up, until last night when I started looking up questionable material. And then I just couldn’t get it out of my head and kept going back for more. It’s the same damn story. I have to focus on the positive for the rest of the day and try to still have a merry Christmas, but this obviously has put a damper on my mood. Stupid.

I still hope that the blockers will stop a lot of my urges in their tracks. I just hope I can get right back on track and keep up the progress I’d been feeling.




PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
And again. The p-subs on every single social media site are out of control. It’s insane. But I feel silly blaming the internet. You can blame drugs for your drug addiction, alcohol for alcoholism, etc, but you can’t control how those things are spread through society. I don’t even have full control over my response to it. I only have control over what I choose to do to help myself steer clear of them. I’m imposing on myself a 3-month Facebook ban. I’ve had a weird relationship with Facebook for as long as I’ve had one. There have been times I was very addicted to it, and then times where I nearly forgot about it. But it’s only recently that it’s become a source of p-subs, as porn advertising has invaded every part of the internet. But there I go again blaming things that are out of my control. What I can control is whether or not I visit Facebook. And considering that every single second spent on Facebook is wasted time, the choice is obvious. I have some family and friends on there, and sure, it’s nice to see their baby pictures once in a while or whatever. But for the large majority of time spent on there, it’s useless at best, harmful at worst. So it’s out. I just can’t believe how fragile and susceptible my mind is. It’s ridiculous.



PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Did it again a few hours later, on the same fb p -sub stuff (I needed to check one more time to see what I really thought of it, I guess). I didn’t finish but I edged for a considerable amount of time so I’m counting it. It sucks. I gotta do better tomorrow.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Got through the day with no strong urges (I did have a random few but they came and went fast. I’ve seen a lot of different nofap YouTube videos, but this one said something I’d never heard before: look at each urge as a gift. It’s pent up energy that can be used for anything. Anyway, a different way to look at it that had never occurred to me. I recommend the whole video. It’s funny but also very heartfelt at the same time.





PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 1 day
 

Freerider

Member
I realized I don't really like counting days, although I've been doing it lately. It makes me obsess about the length of the streak and about day 1 when I relapse. Is it a relapse or not? Should I reset or not? That type of thing.
I did days counting just alone in mail or file and it didnt work at all. Now I feel that im responsible for this society to do my best on my reboot and this works much better. When i did masturbating i report it also on my forum text, even it feel bad to fail..
 

jonazo91

Active Member
The in-laws are leaving today. I’m going to miss them! I need to get more sleep though.



PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I've been falling off the wagon, especially today, as I've unfortunately unearthed some loopholes in my blocker. I haven't technically "touched" in a few days, but it hardly matters with the amount of peeking at purely hardcore material and "edging" (not necessarily physical edging but mental edging which ends up being the same). It's a relapse. I guess I can be glad not to masturbate, but it's the same mental patterns and there's nothing innocent or self-disciplining about it. It's the same stuff. I've seen plenty of literature and videos suggesting edging is even worse in a way.

Part of me doesn't want to beat this. It just wants to stagnate and get worse over time and let myself fall into it. The religious part of me would call that "the devil." I wonder if there's a best way, according to the evidence, to view this "part" of me. Is it just...me? Is it my "addict brain"? Is it purely neural pathways and a certain natural, physiological urge for comfort and instant gratification? Whatever it is, I can see how it can never fully "go away." Maybe, if it is that last thing, we need it, in a way, to make sure we eat when we're hungry, and get horny for our wives/girlfriends when it's time to have sex.

Whatever. I'd like to go deep on this, but in a way it feels like just endless philosophizing of what comes down to me wanting to jerk off because it feel good and me likey. Getting control over your base urges isn't a new problem, it's THE problem of humanity. I can blame the internet for making it easier than ever to satisfy those base urges. But who cares? No one's gonna come save me from myself in this lifetime. This is it.

It's a new year and I've already viewed porn. My... whatever you want to call it, "addict brain," loves to do this kind of shit, do rob myself of that good ol' "new year, new me" motivation. But I'm still here. I guess it is a lifelong battle. There will always be the "I want" in me. It just comes down to having some self-discipline. I can complicate it and philosophize it until .... I don't know, the expression escapes me. Until a long fucking time.

I need to be more truthful, with myself and with my wife and with everyone in my life. I need to face up to myself and stop taking the easy way out. This is it, it's my only life and I'm living it right now. I've seen all the horrors that porn has to offer and I know that I DON'T WANT IT. I want freedom and the strength to grow.


Because I'm so in love with edging lately (or any sort of "peeking" without MO), I'm changing my format to count any instances of that.



PMO/Edging last week: ?
PMO/Edging this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I just relapsed again, and afterward I asked myself “when will this end? I just want it to end.” It won’t. I can’t just expect urges to stop coming. They may never. I have to just learn to process them, deny them air, and move on from them, over and over again. In theory, it gets easier with practice. That’s all. Urges will come, the desire to look at porn will come again, probably soon.




PMO/Edging last week: ?
PMO/Edging this week: 5?
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Doing a little better lately. Haven’t had many strong urges since then either, but I know they will come. I’m almost anxious for them to come, so that I can learn to respond to them in a better way. But for now, I keep trucking.


PMO/Edging last week: 5?
PMO/Edging this week: 0
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Relapse. Same old story. I could feel it happening, and I tried to fight it for a while but I kept giving in. Instead of cutting it off immediately and changing my situation (walking away from any screens and catching my breath) I tried to just put it off. I still had the tab open but wouldn’t look for a few minutes while I tried to talk myself out of it. That didn’t work. I just kept peeking a little more and more until I said fuck it and went all in. Ugh.


PMO/Edging last week: 5?
PMO/Edging this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
What I’m learning is that I need a go-to strategy for when I get hit with an urge. I know I’ve tried to establish something like this before and it didn’t stick, but that’s no reason not to try again. Something simple, easy to stick to, easy to remember, and applicable no matter where and when I get an urge.

- put down the phone and disengage from any and all screens
- stand up and take three deep breaths
- walk around for five minutes
- drink a glass of water.

That’s it. Even if I fail to go through with this the next 50 times I get an urge, I still have no excuse not to do it on the 51st. But better yet, I need to start the very next urge I get, which once again, will likely be soon. And even if the next urge is a month from now, which would be a miracle, these are the next steps I need to take. Four simple steps that are possible to do just about anywhere and any time.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Relapsed last night into today. It’s a very bad feeling, surprise surprise, just like every time. Makes me wonder why I keep wanting to do this to myself.

I’m starting to believe that having a positive goal to look forward to is a better motivator than being scared of all the negatives of porn. My life can be so much better. I can have a clear soul. If I only let myself.

PMO/Edging last week: 5?
PMO/Edging this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Today is a happy day. I got my blocker password emailed back to me today. I was able to add the few websites with which I’ve been cheating lately to my “blocked” list and send a new password down the road to me next month. Hopefully this will help a little with my random relapses. Yes of course I may always find a way, but making it harder and harder on myself to find ways can only be a good thing.


PMO/Edging last week: 5?
PMO/Edging this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days (nearing 1)
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well, even with everything blocked I find a way. The blockers are still worthwhile because they take away most of my normal routes to porn. But when I’m desperate I will find a way, apparently. It’s clear that I won’t beat this with blockers alone. I still have to change my mindset. I have to find a new way to respond to the same things: boredom, stress, tiredness. It’s just so frustrating that just trying to get myself not to do something anymore is this hard. Like, why the hell do I feel like I need this stuff?

PMO/Edging last week: 3
PMO/Edging this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 
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