I've been falling off the wagon, especially today, as I've unfortunately unearthed some loopholes in my blocker. I haven't technically "touched" in a few days, but it hardly matters with the amount of peeking at purely hardcore material and "edging" (not necessarily physical edging but mental edging which ends up being the same). It's a relapse. I guess I can be glad not to masturbate, but it's the same mental patterns and there's nothing innocent or self-disciplining about it. It's the same stuff. I've seen plenty of literature and videos suggesting edging is even worse in a way.
Part of me doesn't want to beat this. It just wants to stagnate and get worse over time and let myself fall into it. The religious part of me would call that "the devil." I wonder if there's a best way, according to the evidence, to view this "part" of me. Is it just...me? Is it my "addict brain"? Is it purely neural pathways and a certain natural, physiological urge for comfort and instant gratification? Whatever it is, I can see how it can never fully "go away." Maybe, if it is that last thing, we need it, in a way, to make sure we eat when we're hungry, and get horny for our wives/girlfriends when it's time to have sex.
Whatever. I'd like to go deep on this, but in a way it feels like just endless philosophizing of what comes down to me wanting to jerk off because it feel good and me likey. Getting control over your base urges isn't a new problem, it's THE problem of humanity. I can blame the internet for making it easier than ever to satisfy those base urges. But who cares? No one's gonna come save me from myself in this lifetime. This is it.
It's a new year and I've already viewed porn. My... whatever you want to call it, "addict brain," loves to do this kind of shit, do rob myself of that good ol' "new year, new me" motivation. But I'm still here. I guess it is a lifelong battle. There will always be the "I want" in me. It just comes down to having some self-discipline. I can complicate it and philosophize it until .... I don't know, the expression escapes me. Until a long fucking time.
I need to be more truthful, with myself and with my wife and with everyone in my life. I need to face up to myself and stop taking the easy way out. This is it, it's my only life and I'm living it right now. I've seen all the horrors that porn has to offer and I know that I DON'T WANT IT. I want freedom and the strength to grow.
Because I'm so in love with edging lately (or any sort of "peeking" without MO), I'm changing my format to count any instances of that.
PMO/Edging last week: ?
PMO/Edging this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
