I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

What can I say. I didn’t just relapse. I had a nice long whole day of casually looking at porn every chance I got. Just to feel something, I guess. Felt almost no shame about it. Felt excited and giddy that I was getting away with it and feeding myself so much porn in one sitting. It’s one thing to lose your will momentarily and relapse in a 15 minute- half hour rush. That’s not what this was. I was relishing it. Of course, I anticipated feeling shame afterwards, i.e. now, but I didn’t even care. Not my problem.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 4
Current streak: 0 days
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Again. This time I tried to fight it off a few times after I'd already started. And then decided to just finish as quickly as possible. I wish I'd been successful in fighting it off instead. It doesn't feel like a victory to only have jerked off for a half hour rather than hours on end.

Yeah, this has been a bad week. It's times like this where I feel real silly for trying to have declared I was "Done With Porn" a few days ago. But again, it's the only goal worth setting. Do I feel any positivity, any hope or optimism in me right now at all? No, not really. I actually thought I'd gotten it all out of my system yesterday and would at least be able to hold off for a few days this time.

See, but there it is, right there. Lowered expectations. "Well, yesterday was bad but at least I've gotten it out of my system for a few days" led to, perhaps unsurprisingly, a relapse in quick succession.

So, fuck it. Fuck that. Why settle? God, I feel so trapped in this stuff right now. But I'm here which means I haven't given up. Which means I still can succeed. I have to. And it has to start right now. Done With Porn. I am Done With Porn. Get it through my thick skull, no more porn.

Being without porn is a great gift. Just being able to look at the sky, or a loved one's face, or the grass and the trees, and not some disgusting lurid image, is a gift, one that I throw in the trash way too often. It ends here and now. Why any half measures? I can't be half-done with porn. Let's get on this right now.

PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 5
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[logicprox]

The reality is there is no “getting it out of the system”. I think everyone has had the “one last session and then I am done”, but all using does is put it back in our system. There is nothing to get out. It feeds itself. One use begets another.

But it just means we get back up and try again. One day of abstinence can also beget another.

 

[jonazo91]

Not much time for a post tonight but No porn today.

PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 1 day
Day 2.

 

[jonazo91]

Relapse again. I feel like stating “I’m in a rut” or “I’m just in a slump right now” or anything like that just ends up being an excuse to use again. I feel low right now, no surprise, because I’ve been going back again and again to porn the past few days. But that’s no excuse. The present is back in my control. If I use again, it’s not just “oh well, I was in a rut.” It’s time to start climbing out right now and stay out. Done with porn, no more porn, no more excuses.


PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Another day another relapse. It’s like, am I just not scared enough? I don’t want to have to rely on being scared straight. I guess it’s more that I don’t believe in myself enough. And okay yeah, it’s an addiction. But addictions can be broken. It’s not an excuse when I’ve been trying for this long. I always try to be so positive on myself after I relapse. But where has it gotten me? Should I be more self-critical? This is pathetic.


PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[Phineas 808]

I always try to be so positive on myself after I relapse. But where has it gotten me? Should I be more self-critical?

Hi jonazo,

It's the importance we infuse the whole thing with, from porn itself- to our lapses or relapses into it.

Your brain found something it innocently found helpful to medicate either a specific trauma or simply the pain of life in general. It's doing what brains do, do what's helpful. This became a habit/addiction, that's all.

Like you said yourself, addictions can be broken, habits that surround them, too.

Neither be scared nor self-critical. Approach this with non-judgment, with compassion and understanding. But above all, ignore it and see that it doesn't have as much power over you as you may suppose.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Jonazo, I can relate to this feeling. Sometimes I feel like I have to hit bottom in order to really want to quit, in order to actually be able to do it. If I’m positive and okay with myself after a relapse it feels like it can be easier to make the mistake again because you know you’ll be okay. I don’t have a solution to this, but I definitely believe that positive self-talk is a good thing in the long run, and as your self image becomes more positive your need to go back to porn to feel okay will diminish.

You’re doing good. Keep trying, it’s all we can do.

 

[jonazo91]

We are okay. We must keep trying. We choose to get better. I am a work in progress. I’m not satisfied with myself, not by a long shot. But I will not give up. Done with porn.



PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 0 again. I’m not going anywhere. Time to put this ugly stretch behind me. I can do so much better than this.

PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Once again last night, I turned to porn. I did my usual sneaky stuff and started peeking at it while I was making my preparations for the morning and getting ready for the night. I touched for only a short while and didn’t O, but I didn’t stop looking either, until it was absolutely time for bed. I’m glad I didn’t JO any more than I did, but it was still a setback. If I don’t want this to escalate into a full blown PMO relapse I have to be on my P’s and Q’s the rest of the day. I’m on crappy sleep and it’s a Monday. I’m going to limit my screen time/phone usage to an absolute minimum today as much as possible. For streak purposes I’m counting last night as a full PMO because I’m tired of splitting hairs about that stuff.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

So, I had a relapse at work today, and during the course of it, I downloaded a video. On the way home from work, on the train, I decided to delete any porn files I had downloaded during on my phone. I expected this to be fast and smooth, I certainly wasn’t intending to have porn up on my phone for any longer than it took to quickly delete the files. Well, instead of deleting, the video started PLAYING at a very loud volume, while I was sitting across the train from two teenage girls. They paused their conversation and one of them said “did you just hear that?” to the other, before kind of laughing it off and moving on with their conversation. Once I finally got the video to stop (it felt like a solid two full seconds of audio), I just stared intensely at my phone and did my best to avoid eye contact with anyone on the train until we reached the next stop, which felt brutally long (the train even paused for signal clearance) but was really probably only a minute or two. Longest two minutes of my life.

Needless to say that was an absolutely horrible feeling. I would go over all the emotions that followed (I had a dinner date with my wife the same night, it was awkward partially because I was processing what happened but dared not tell her about it), but it’s just too much. It’s enough to say that it happened, you can imagine how I’ve been feeling since.



PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

So, I had a relapse at work today, and during the course of it, I downloaded a video. On the way home from work, on the train, I decided to delete any porn files I had downloaded during on my phone. I expected this to be fast and smooth, I certainly wasn’t intending to have porn up on my phone for any longer than it took to quickly delete the files. Well, instead of deleting, the video started PLAYING at a very loud volume, while I was sitting across the train from two teenage girls. They paused their conversation and one of them said “did you just hear that?” to the other, before kind of laughing it off and moving on with their conversation. Once I finally got the video to stop (it felt like a solid two full seconds of audio), I just stared intensely at my phone and did my best to avoid eye contact with anyone on the train until we reached the next stop, which felt brutally long (the train even paused for signal clearance) but was really probably only a minute or two. Longest two minutes of my life.

Needless to say that was an absolutely horrible feeling. I would go over all the emotions that followed (I had a dinner date with my wife the same night, it was awkward partially because I was processing what happened but dared not tell her about it), but it’s just too much. It’s enough to say that it happened, you can imagine how I’ve been feeling since.



PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

I feel you, man. When someone becomes heavily addicted to something, it defies logic, it goes beyond common sense and "I would never do such a thing." One might end up in some embarrassing situations. The only way out is recovery. It might suck but it's a must. We spend years in pleasure so of course it will not be pleasurable to get out, it's always the opposite, you need to go through pain to escape. But the fact that there are people out there who are done with porn it means it's possible. If they didn't exist and it was not possible, then we could resign. But we know we don't have to do that. Because recovery is possible. I don't have the secret plan for recovery to tell anybody. But what do I know is that recovery will require become a better version of ourselves. Without this, abstinence can't be sustained. That's why I like those steps from the 12 steps model of addiction, the steps starting from number 4 all the way down, because there you make an inventory of yourself, see why you're doing what you're doing then you need to move on to become a better version of yourself through fixing defects of character etc. That's why those steps are like that because without evolving, you can't stay quit. It's a delusion to think you can just do things the same way, not try to see bad habits, patterns, conditioning, flaws, trauma etc. and count the days to 1000 days porn free. It simply won't happen. If I've learned one thing is that recovery needs work. It's a life coaching type of thing. Nobody who is unwilling to invest the work will escape his "medication". I would suggest to try some 12 steps group, see how you like it, see if it works, it could be a beginning or it could be everything. But me and you (cause I'm in the same situation, I relapse too much as well), need to do something. Find a life coach, find a therapist, find a group, maybe find all of them at once.

 

[Blondie]

I feel your pain @jonazo91.

Needless to say that was an absolutely horrible feeling. I would go over all the emotions that followed (I had a dinner date with my wife the same night, it was awkward partially because I was processing what happened but dared not tell her about it), but it’s just too much. It’s enough to say that it happened, you can imagine how I’ve been feeling since.

Porn destroys our values and makes us men we hardly recognize in the mirror. I would suggest doing what @Escapeandnevercomeback mentioned. I would suggest doing something different. You don't want to be going down this road any further. Maybe this is what you needed to pull your ass out of your head, or maybe not. Unfortunately for some of us, we have to burn it all down before understanding the seriousness of this problem.

Best

 

[Jinx2109]

What @Escapeandnevercomebacasand @Blondie said I support as well. Theres no in-person local porn recovery group near me, but I've been looking online at pornaddictsanonymous.org and have yet to make it to a meeting but I'm trying to get to the place where it's a regular thing. My partner has been doing AA and NA meetings for 8 years now and it changed his whole life for the better. He's taught me that a close knit community is key to sobriety. Having a mentor and one day having a sponsor. The circle of getting our lives back. Im curious about your situation with your wife, if youre allowed to discuss your struggles openly with her? My Dad always hid his porn addiction from my Mom and even though he's gone now he lived a difficult life and left my Mom with a lot of trauma. My aim was to break the cycle of secrecy and having a partner that you can be honest with and accountable to is really helpful. But first hand I'd also understand if it's too traumatic for her to hear about in which case a sponsor/group for yourself would be even more important.

 

[jonazo91]

Im curious about your situation with your wife, if youre allowed to discuss your struggles openly with her?

I’ve talked with her about it a little, but it’s still awkward. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’m able to share details about when’s the last time I used porn, how often or when/where I do it. I know, it’s probably the best thing to do to be honest, I’m just scared to have those difficult conversations. But I have talked about the fact that I’m struggling with it and that I’m on this forum. She’s brought up the idea of seeing a therapist about it too. God, part of me is still so resistant to the idea of being a guy who needs a therapist. I guess it’s an ego thing. But I need to get a fucking grip. Every time I think about yesterday I still cringe.

I did look up a few sex addiction specializing therapists in my area today and bookmarked their information. But for now that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I will admit part of me is excited to have a plan of action, something concrete I can do, a professional whose whole job it is to help people like me with problems like mine. I just don’t want to be whining on a couch to someone every week still 30 years from now. I’d like to view it as a problem to be solved so I can move on. But maybe that’s flat out the wrong mindset that will keep me trapped forever. Maybe if I view it as a lifelong problem to manage I can actually start getting to work on it. I just don’t know. I’m stubborn. I want to be able to just muscle through it. But clearly I’m so fucking weak still.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @jonazo91, I think what you have with your wife is a great thing, that is, a woman who tries to understand this from an addiction point of view - many guys here probably wouldn't have that if disclosed, so that makes this much easier for you. Yes, these conversations are not easy, but they are important in my opinion. Us porn addicts walk around with this unnecessary burden on our shoulders sometimes for years, if not for decades. This cognitive dissonance can haunt us, even psychologically damages us, because we have to lie on top of lies, constantly hide things and live a double life. And this shame of a double life can lead us right back to many relapses, because we're not telling the truth, and thus, a perpetual cycle of relapses and shame, digging ourselves further and further into the pit of despair.

Living in truth, especially at first, may not be easy, but it's a whole lot easier than hiding the truth. Not everyone will agree with me, and that's okay, but, although telling the truth will be "traumatic" for the partner, not telling the truth, most definitely will be more so. Because although true it's our actions that initially hurt them, it's the lies upon lies that really kill them in the end. Of course, this doesn't mean she has to be your accountability partner, it just means she deserves to know the truth in a "general" sense.

Just my two cents.

Also, I know I've mentioned this once or twice before, and if you don't wish me to tell you again (because this is your thread) you can tell me to politely fuck off and I'll never mentioned it again.

Best man.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hey @jonazo91, I think what you have with your wife is a great thing, that is, a woman who tries to understand this from an addiction point of view - many guys here probably wouldn't have that if disclosed, so that makes this much easier for you. Yes, these conversations are not easy, but they are important in my opinion. Us porn addicts walk around with this unnecessary burden on our shoulders sometimes for years, if not for decades. This cognitive dissonance can haunt us, even psychologically damages us, because we have to lie on top of lies, constantly hide things and live a double life. And this shame of a double life can lead us right back to many relapses, because we're not telling the truth, and thus, a perpetual cycle of relapses and shame, digging ourselves further and further into the pit of despair.

Living in truth, especially at first, may not be easy, but it's a whole lot easier than hiding the truth. Not everyone will agree with me, and that's okay, but, although telling the truth will be "traumatic" for the partner, not telling the truth, most definitely will be more so. Because although true it's our actions that initially hurt them, it's the lies upon lies that really kill them in the end. Of course, this doesn't mean she has to be your accountability partner, it just means she deserves to know the truth in a "general" sense.

Just my two cents.

Also, I know I've mentioned this once or twice before, and if you don't wish me to tell you again (because this is your thread) you can tell me to politely fuck off and I'll never mentioned it again.

Best man.

Definitely. I agree with this 100%. This addiction, in my opinion, the recovery for it can only start once it's brought to the spotlight. And in general for any addiction. Talking about it here was the first step. Now I believe we need to make the next step and bring it to the spotlight in real life. What you, Jonazo, have is an opportunity that some of us don't, someone in real life to do this with. Yes, I will agree as well that it's not an easy move to make, I know I have a repulsion to talking about my problems in real life (probably some "conditioning" that has happened to me somewhere in my past) but I believe it's very necessary. You've make already the first step in real life by even talking to your (then fiancee) about your porn addiction. Now you can prepare your second step and bring to the light the real struggle. Like Blondie said, she doesn't have to be your accountability partner, you don't have to declare to her every single relapse but I believe you should tell her the depth of it. Also, you could try to find some group/therapist etc and do the same. This is just me but I would try to find a group first. Why? Because unless you can go to therapy 5 times a week or even 3 times (I know I can't, it's expensive here), you probably might end up going once a week (like I did) and the group can be as high as 5 times, the group the I know has 4 meetings a week, you can attend more and try to find some people to help you. I'm preparing my move as well to go back to the 12 steps group.

Best, bro. You got this.

 

[jberg]

Yeah well, don’t be too proud of me. I re-relapsed late last night (after midnight so actually this morning) again.

@jonazo91, I just read the latest in this thread now, and I want to tell you how deeply moved I am by your honesty, your striving after truth, and your steadfast commitment to escape from the prison of self and become truly free. And because this, I feel good saying that I am proud of you and of all of my brothers here who are similarly committed! But our struggle, though simple, is not easy, and is encapsulate in this story well-known in 12-step circles which I have posted before:

A man walking up a road turns down an alley and suddenly falls in a manhole. The next day, he turns down the same alley and it happens again. The next day, he turns down the same alley, but this times he is able to see the manhole and starts to think, "I should really step aside!" but falls in anyway. The next day, he turns down the same alley, sees the manhole, and actually tries to avoid it, but falls in anyway. The next day, he thinks, "Isn't this that same darn alley with that open manhole?" but he turns down the alley anyway, sees the manhole, tries to step aside, and falls in. The next day, he recognizes the alley again, decides that he will only walk half-way down and turn back before getting near the manhole, but he suddenly finds himself at the manhole, tries to step aside, but falls in. The next day, he thinks to himself, "Hey, maybe I should not even go down that alley at all?" but when he gets to the intersection, he turns anyway, sees the manhole, tries to avoid it, but falls in! He continues on in this vein for day after day, and people watching him are dumbfounded at what they witness. Eventually, he is able chose not to go down that alley and stay on the road to his destination.​

 

[jonazo91]

Also, I know I've mentioned this once or twice before, and if you don't wish me to tell you again (because this is your thread) you can tell me to politely fuck off and I'll never mentioned it again.

Best man.

Not at all man, what you say is the truth and I know it’s the truth. I’m just scared. I will talk to her more eventually, I need to. I just have to gather up the courage. I can’t see myself telling her the subway story, for example. But the truth is the truth. She asks me how I’m doing with it on occasion, and I try to be honest with her by saying “eh, it’s still a struggle” and that sort of thing. But I guess it’s time for another talk more in depth.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 2 days
Day 3.