I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Not at all man, what you say is the truth and I know it’s the truth. I’m just scared. I will talk to her more eventually, I need to. I just have to gather up the courage. I can’t see myself telling her the subway story, for example. But the truth is the truth. She asks me how I’m doing with it on occasion, and I try to be honest with her by saying “eh, it’s still a struggle” and that sort of thing. But I guess it’s time for another talk more in depth.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 2 days
Day 3.

Yes, I definitely support having a more in depth conversation with your wife. The addiction demands respect and if we underestimate it, we will get hit real smoov. We need to see it for what it is, to see the exact reality, no more no less, no exaggerations but no underestimations either. How hard the struggle is, that's how hard it is, we need to name it, state the fact, recognize the reality and the severity of it. And then make our move. "It's still a struggle" won't do. You need to be more precise and in depth with how deep the struggle is, what you struggle with. Really, I would suggest you do even tell her the subway story. It's not embarrassing, trust me, it's the reality of an addict, if you have an in depth conversation with her and tell her what it means to be an addict with years and years of doing this, then the subway story is normal. Unfortunately, it's normal for us. Otherwise, the addiction will continue to strive in the dark. You got this bro, don't hesitate.

 

[jonazo91]

Not much to report in terms of talking about it with my wife yet. We’re doing okay right now but I do think she noticed I was out of sorts the past few days. I don’t want to keep things from her. I just selfishly want to be in a better place so I have something positive to say when I talk to her. Anyhow, I don’t know. Truth is, I still need to and I haven’t yet.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 3 days
Day 4.

 

[jonazo91]

Another day alive.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 4 days
Day 5.

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed tonight. My wife went out with a friend, and my plans with friends fell through, and I was feeling real sorry for myself, and I relapsed. I don’t mean that as an excuse, only just scene painting or to somewhat understand the mental state that led to it. It was a real slow motion relapse too, where for a long time I was giving myself opportunity to “stop now and take it no further.” Even if I had to reset my streak I was hoping to stop before I PMO. But I just kept going. I felt really shitty about myself afterwards.

I promised myself that if I relapsed one more time after last time, I would reach out to a therapist and so I did, I emailed a therapist in my area for a consultation. I’m going to have to talk with my wife about it soon, and explain where I’m at with my recovery or what feels like LACK of recovery. If this is the beginning of the end, or maybe I should say, the beginning of my true recovery, then it’s a good thing. I need help. It sucks. I see, or imagine I see others just being like “I’ve decided I’m done and that’s it” and that doesn’t seem like enough for me. But probably no one can do this all alone. Porn feeds on secrecy. I have to be a man.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[Blondie]

I promised myself that if I relapsed one more time after last time, I would reach out to a therapist and so I did, I emailed a therapist in my area for a consultation. I’m going to have to talk with my wife about it soon, and explain where I’m at with my recovery or what feels like LACK of recovery. If this is the beginning of the end, or maybe I should say, the beginning of my true recovery, then it’s a good thing. I need help. It sucks. I see, or imagine I see others just being like “I’ve decided I’m done and that’s it” and that doesn’t seem like enough for me. But probably no one can do this all alone.

this is fantastic @jonazo91, I'm really happy you did this.

Porn feeds on secrecy. I have to be a man.

This right here. In my experience, this is the truth. And it only gets worse and worse, the further I hide it.

Best man
Blondie

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

It was a real slow motion relapse too, where for a long time I was giving myself opportunity to “stop now and take it no further.” Even if I had to reset my streak I was hoping to stop before I PMO. But I just kept going. I felt really shitty about myself afterwards.

This happens often with the addicts. I know it happens to me. Once you fuck with it, it's very hard to stop, it gets the dopamine going. I know that when I taste it a little bit, it's game over. I don't know how much you would like me to say this now after the relapse but it's the truth: The key is not to get the first bite from the beginning.

I promised myself that if I relapsed one more time after last time, I would reach out to a therapist and so I did, I emailed a therapist in my area for a consultation. I’m going to have to talk with my wife about it soon, and explain where I’m at with my recovery or what feels like LACK of recovery. If this is the beginning of the end, or maybe I should say, the beginning of my true recovery, then it’s a good thing. I need help

Yes, I applaud this decision as well. If one has spent years trying to quit and he is still in deep, chances are he can't do it by himself. He needs new perspectives, new knowledge, new support etc. It needs to come from a different place that it comes right now for him. I know that trying to reach out for help might seem like admitting defeat for some people (for me it's the fear of embarrassing myself) but I can assure you it's not, it's just the delusion created by the disease of addiction. It's not defeat to admit you can't do it yourself, it's actually the victory because only when someone admits complete defeat, he can rebuild himself from ground up, he can be open to anything, he can say I don't know how to do it but you know, can you help me? And then it starts. Go to therapy, maybe you could find a group too. Go there and admit the situation.

It sucks. I see, or imagine I see others just being like “I’ve decided I’m done and that’s it” and that doesn’t seem like enough for me. But probably no one can do this all alone. Porn feeds on secrecy. I have to be a man.

Nobody can be forced into recovery. It needs to come from inside. I believe that very few can actually do this all by themselves, in general we addicts need people, that's why those groups exist, that's why therapy exists etc. I don't think the majority of us can do it without support and understanding. This forum was the first step. Most of us had never told absolutely nobody about our struggle then we came here and for the first time we could share. Next step is to do it in real life. There is power in sharing to people face to face. That 600 pounds gorilla that sits on our back can be thrown down. You got this, man.

 

[Jinx2109]

I just wanted to say I was really impressed by your openness and honesty in your reply to my question about communicating with your wife. You really aired it out and that is fantastic. So glad youve got some people here with their hands on your shoulders too giving good advice and just being here for you. I also just wanted to say that I definitely get the "wanting to wait till I have good news" in the communication department. I was like that keeping my addiction a secret for 10 years. What really helped me was getting into Fight The New Drug and sharing posts on facebook and running fundraisers for my birthday. I would openly start admitting on social media that I had an addiction but I knew it was bad and was looking to support a movement that spread the word. It's scary. But humbling. I don't deserve porn, you don't deserve porn. We all deserve so much better. A full life with deep love. Once I associated myself as being in a bad place, an imperfect place, publicly and with my loved ones (yeah it would come up in conversation, friends lightheartedly talking about sexwork/porn/OF, I had my 2 cents that was a very different experience from theirs but I communicated it respectfully and they heard me respectfully) I accepted where I was honestly and that made it a lot easier to take the next step. Like when you're walking up stairs and you think the step is higher than it is and you end up planting your foot down so hard you almost fall down. It's good you want to tell her good news, and you can tell her that you want to tell her good news but right now you cant. And be open about how that makes you feel. Theres nothing wrong with you for going to therapy either! Really proud of you for making headway on that step! I think everyone could benefit from therapy; addiction, baggage, etc or none at all. Lifes hard sometimes for everyone.

 

[jonazo91]

I had only a short conversation with my wife today: I told her I had contacted a therapist about my issues with porn because I didn’t feel like I was getting any better. She was glad to hear it and really supportive, and she commented that she thinks it’s a prevalent issue with most men, but most just don’t ever realize it as a problem and seek out help and she was proud of me for doing so. But we didn’t go deeper than that for now. But I think it’s good anyway just to open up the conversation again.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 1 day
Day 2.

 

[Blondie]

I love it.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

That's a fair step in the right direction, man. Keep up the good work.

 

[Jinx2109]

That's wonderful!

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed again today. I haven't heard back yet from that therapist so I may have to send out a few more feelers until I find a therapist. The big question is why did I relapse again today? I don't know, I have some excuses ready, I was tired, my day got off to a weird start... whatever. I'm scared of change. Part of me likes my porn too much and any time I take action toward seriously quitting, I get spooked and retreat back into my hole of filth.

I don't think I hold myself accountable enough. Ideally, I should be coming clean to my wife every time I relapse. In practice, I really have to wonder how that would go at this point. I take refuge in that if no one in my real life knows what I did, all I have to do is act natural and pretend nothing happened, and after a while the negative feelings brought on by the relapse can start to fade and I'm back to status quo/equillibrium, until I relapse again. It's a cycle that could go on for literally my whole life if I let it. I could live a lie my whole life.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I'm going to have a 15-minute preliminary call with a therapist on Thursday. Mostly I'm excited, although any time I have a call like this scheduled, part of me feels like it's a visit to the principal's office or a job interview. I feel like I'm going to be shaky and nervous on the phone. But whatever. Therapy and mental health are such loaded topics in this day and age. I'm going to try and do my best not to go into it with any pre-judgments. If this guy can help me develop some habits and tools to help myself overcome this addiction, it will be worth every penny (or insurance dollar, or whatever). At the end of the day though, it's me that has to change. I'm not a car I can just take into a shop and get fixed while I wait in the lobby. Whatever this therapist can do, I'm the one that has to get under the hood and do the work.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Day 1.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I'm going to have a 15-minute preliminary call with a therapist on Thursday. Mostly I'm excited, although any time I have a call like this scheduled, part of me feels like it's a visit to the principal's office or a job interview. I feel like I'm going to be shaky and nervous on the phone. But whatever. Therapy and mental health are such loaded topics in this day and age. I'm going to try and do my best not to go into it with any pre-judgments. If this guy can help me develop some habits and tools to help myself overcome this addiction, it will be worth every penny (or insurance dollar, or whatever). At the end of the day though, it's me that has to change. I'm not a car I can just take into a shop and get fixed while I wait in the lobby. Whatever this therapist can do, I'm the one that has to get under the hood and do the work.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Day 1.

Good shit, man.

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed again today. Was peeking at shit through half the day and then found an opportunity to get one out and took it, even though we have my father in law staying over. Pretty lame, pretty low behavior. Pretty gross. Thinking “hey, one last hurrah before I talk to the therapist tomorrow.” Not even close to a justification or excuse. Just bullshit to let myself off the hook. Facing that you are capable of very bad, shitty behavior is rough. And if I want to be better, I have to start be FEELING how bad that behavior is. There’s no being a better man without honesty.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I relapsed again today. Was peeking at shit through half the day and then found an opportunity to get one out and took it, even though we have my father in law staying over. Pretty lame, pretty low behavior. Pretty gross. Thinking “hey, one last hurrah before I talk to the therapist tomorrow.” Not even close to a justification or excuse. Just bullshit to let myself off the hook. Facing that you are capable of very bad, shitty behavior is rough. And if I want to be better, I have to start be FEELING how bad that behavior is. There’s no being a better man without honesty.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Day 0.

This is normal for addicts: One last fix before I reach the treatment center. One last binge drinking because tomorrow I quit. Take advantages of the pleasure because tomorrow you've made the decision to not have it anymore and the disease panics. Talk to the therapist and see what you can have goin on. I would tell you don't overblown this before you put things in motion.

 

[Jinx2109]

Facing that you are capable of very bad, shitty behavior is rough. And if I want to be better, I have to start be FEELING how bad that behavior is.

This is what did it for me with my recovery. Brace yourself: When I learned that a lot of P performers are coerced, drugged, abused, even blackmailed sometimes or they never agreed to have their content publicly shared. This even happened to me with nudes back in high school. Which leads to the other fact that a good chunk is showing underage people even if its not in the teen category. It made me think about them as human beings. They're somebody's sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, sons etc... and if that doesn't kill the mood for you think about it being your sister, father, daughter, brother, mother, son. Being exploited and MO'd to by a bunch of random people and ourselves. That's what helped me be sober for 4 years. (Relapsed about a year ago due to extreme stress, ironically while pregnant with my now 8 mo old son who if anyone exploited I'd be in jail for what I'd do to them.) I know that's all a lot and really harsh. But that's honestly what got me to quit.

 

[Blondie]

This is what did it for me with my recovery. Brace yourself: When I learned that a lot of P performers are coerced, drugged, abused, even blackmailed sometimes or they never agreed to have their content publicly shared. This even happened to me with nudes back in high school. Which leads to the other fact that a good chunk is showing underage people even if its not in the teen category. It made me think about them as human beings. They're somebody's sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, sons etc... and if that doesn't kill the mood for you think about it being your sister, father, daughter, brother, mother, son. Being exploited and MO'd to by a bunch of random people and ourselves. That's what helped me be sober for 4 years. (Relapsed about a year ago due to extreme stress, ironically while pregnant with my now 8 mo old son who if anyone exploited I'd be in jail for what I'd do to them.) I know that's all a lot and really harsh. But that's honestly what got me to quit.

This comment is gold.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

This is what did it for me with my recovery. Brace yourself: When I learned that a lot of P performers are coerced, drugged, abused, even blackmailed sometimes or they never agreed to have their content publicly shared. This even happened to me with nudes back in high school. Which leads to the other fact that a good chunk is showing underage people even if its not in the teen category. It made me think about them as human beings. They're somebody's sisters, mothers, brothers, fathers, sons etc... and if that doesn't kill the mood for you think about it being your sister, father, daughter, brother, mother, son. Being exploited and MO'd to by a bunch of random people and ourselves. That's what helped me be sober for 4 years. (Relapsed about a year ago due to extreme stress, ironically while pregnant with my now 8 mo old son who if anyone exploited I'd be in jail for what I'd do to them.) I know that's all a lot and really harsh. But that's honestly what got me to quit.

This comment is gold.

I definitely concur. I've known this for a while but, the ridiculousness of this stupid addiction makes it that when I need the fix, I go blank and I don't even consider who's there. You are watching some ridiculous content, BDSM, violence whatever and don't even consider no mo in the heat of the moment that you are watching some people getting literally abused on camera. That's the ridiculousness of addiction in general. It's like stealing your mom's money for crack and you know you would never do that but the desperation makes you do it then you regret it then do it again and it's a cycle. I definitely need to be more serious about quitting this.

 

[jonazo91]

I continued peeking over the past few days. I think Thursday night I relapsed again, and then Friday continued peeking again but didn’t MO. I have my first meeting with a therapist on the 22nd. A new week starts today. I’ve been off my game, but that’s enough of that. Time to get back on it. I’m coming down with a cold or something, I’m going to probably work from home tomorrow, which has been a severe risk factor lately. But I’m determined and will remain persistent.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 1 day
Day 2.