Let's rewire. This time for real.
- Thread starter Innocence
- Start date
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 71]
Still a bit frustrated with my iPhone still being in repairs, it sure is taking a bit long.
Well not long but I just don't like waiting.
My reboot isn't really that much on my mind anymore, I don't find it hard not toPMO, but I maybe should be a bit more careful around the internet what I do and shouldn't see.
I'm not talking about P but more random pictures or videos uploaded to sites like 9gag.
Still a bit frustrated with my iPhone still being in repairs, it sure is taking a bit long.
Well not long but I just don't like waiting.
My reboot isn't really that much on my mind anymore, I don't find it hard not toPMO, but I maybe should be a bit more careful around the internet what I do and shouldn't see.
I'm not talking about P but more random pictures or videos uploaded to sites like 9gag.
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 72]
Feeling rather weak, been a little sick again and been stressing a lot over school.
It's just too much to handle, I don't know if I will get through this year.
On the plus side I'm still taking vitamine D pills and it helps to brighten up the mood, but I can't help to feel so weak during the day nor even to get shit done.
Today I received the bill for repairing my iPhone, freaking ?300 but I will get a new phone so that's better than paying ?800.
Just have to wait until somewhere next week to receive it, service isn't too great urg.
No PMO is still going good, I'm just too down/weak to feel anything positive about it but I have more morning wood and random boners.
Feeling rather weak, been a little sick again and been stressing a lot over school.
It's just too much to handle, I don't know if I will get through this year.
On the plus side I'm still taking vitamine D pills and it helps to brighten up the mood, but I can't help to feel so weak during the day nor even to get shit done.
Today I received the bill for repairing my iPhone, freaking ?300 but I will get a new phone so that's better than paying ?800.
Just have to wait until somewhere next week to receive it, service isn't too great urg.
No PMO is still going good, I'm just too down/weak to feel anything positive about it but I have more morning wood and random boners.
Recovery101
Active Member
Hang in there man! I know you can get through this. You've motivated me and I'm here to return the favor and lend some support. -Rec101
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 73]
Today I've been feeling a lot better, been working out again and it felt pretty good to be active again.
Something special did happen today, as a (girl) friend of mine offered me a hug and of course I gave her a hug but suddenly..
That feeling I hadn't felt for years, I suddenly had a bit of a warm feeling in my chest, of course it was rather small but the fact that I got it really means to me this reboot is making big progress.
Getting warm feelings again, morning wood returned most of the time so I'm really seeing progress and I'm really happy about it.
Besides that, if I'm lucky my iPhone will be repaired by tomorrow and back in the store. The costs are still the same but I'll at least have my phone back!
Today I've been feeling a lot better, been working out again and it felt pretty good to be active again.
Something special did happen today, as a (girl) friend of mine offered me a hug and of course I gave her a hug but suddenly..
That feeling I hadn't felt for years, I suddenly had a bit of a warm feeling in my chest, of course it was rather small but the fact that I got it really means to me this reboot is making big progress.
Getting warm feelings again, morning wood returned most of the time so I'm really seeing progress and I'm really happy about it.
Besides that, if I'm lucky my iPhone will be repaired by tomorrow and back in the store. The costs are still the same but I'll at least have my phone back!
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 75]
Slept pretty bad last night, just couldn't get into sleep and had a big of an argument with a close friend.
Luckily it was solved but today I had no energy, even slept an hour with music on.
Got nothing done today, pretty annoyed by that but tomorrow is another day!
Slept pretty bad last night, just couldn't get into sleep and had a big of an argument with a close friend.
Luckily it was solved but today I had no energy, even slept an hour with music on.
Got nothing done today, pretty annoyed by that but tomorrow is another day!
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 76]
School work is truly killing me, there's so much to do and I feel like I can't keep up.
I will do my best with what I can and will fight for it.
Besides that I've been feeling pretty excited about a friend of my father's who arrange a day I could join him at his work.
It's meant for that I can see what it's really like and if it's something for me. I hope I can built the confidence the face the people as it's also a lot of social work that he's doing.
The positive side to this is that I will get to know what I'm learning for and that I can get a clear view of what it is about.
Can't help myself to over think about it, would I need a suit or are some regular clothes which look slightly formal be good too?
Guess I will have to find that out.
School work is truly killing me, there's so much to do and I feel like I can't keep up.
I will do my best with what I can and will fight for it.
Besides that I've been feeling pretty excited about a friend of my father's who arrange a day I could join him at his work.
It's meant for that I can see what it's really like and if it's something for me. I hope I can built the confidence the face the people as it's also a lot of social work that he's doing.
The positive side to this is that I will get to know what I'm learning for and that I can get a clear view of what it is about.
Can't help myself to over think about it, would I need a suit or are some regular clothes which look slightly formal be good too?
Guess I will have to find that out.
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 79]
Due triggers I will replace potential triggers with NSFW material.
Lately I've been rather sick, haven't gone to the gym in a bit and I'm feeling quite awful.
Even worse, I'm feel like a horny freak.
I think it's because I exposed myself to too much triggers, for example talking to a friend who had quite some exposing pictures, I felt awful about it afterwards because I send me craving to NSFW material. My brain kept going on with: "Wouldn't you like to see some NSFW and feel really good?" Even when I had no masturbation in mind it kept trying to get me to that, I didn't visit any P sites but it kept my mind occupied for so much. I might blame it on myself for being in my room too much and allowing myself to talk to this girl. Even though she might not realize that her pictures might be quite exposing my brain was just trying to NSFW material from her. I didn't try/ask her and nor did I receive any. I'm really glad she didn't go to teasing me because before my reboot she did a lot. I personally believe before my reboot my morals have saved me a lot. Even though I had been watching porn of the age of 11 I never really went to the super kinky stuff. When I got bored of a gender I just switched to another genre, another race, another body part that was being focused you name it. I never really viewed really kinky stuff, to me it was just morally wrong. I can't go around that sometimes I was afraid it was turning me on but I said to myself that it was disgusting or/and weird. Therefor I think I did save myself from a lot of trouble.
As of the last few days I've been feeling like a horny freak like I mentioned, it made me see that I should take my reboot much more serious as I've been slacking off with everything I was doing. I've been trying to quit cigarettes and before I knew I was smoking more than I used to afterwards. My diet turned into a joke, even yesterday I ate food I actually was allergic too and I don't feel too great about that either. I've even been skipping school because I saw a way to, not very proud of either. Even my reboot got a little bit the finger, I didn't watch P but I didn't close myself off from edgy material as I used to. When I started to realize what I was doing I stopped talking to that girl, smoked my last cigarette and took a long shower. Showers have always been a thing for me to put my head to rest and just get into a deep-thinking calm state. It also gave me the insight and inspiration to write this journal entry, as I haven't been a lot on the forums.
I even started to read the YBOP e-book again, as it had helped me so much and motivated me a great deal in the beginning of my reboot. I didn't PMO but it feels like I have been set back quite a bit. Not sure if I should count it as a relapse but I will think that through.
Stay strong everyone!
Due triggers I will replace potential triggers with NSFW material.
Lately I've been rather sick, haven't gone to the gym in a bit and I'm feeling quite awful.
Even worse, I'm feel like a horny freak.
I think it's because I exposed myself to too much triggers, for example talking to a friend who had quite some exposing pictures, I felt awful about it afterwards because I send me craving to NSFW material. My brain kept going on with: "Wouldn't you like to see some NSFW and feel really good?" Even when I had no masturbation in mind it kept trying to get me to that, I didn't visit any P sites but it kept my mind occupied for so much. I might blame it on myself for being in my room too much and allowing myself to talk to this girl. Even though she might not realize that her pictures might be quite exposing my brain was just trying to NSFW material from her. I didn't try/ask her and nor did I receive any. I'm really glad she didn't go to teasing me because before my reboot she did a lot. I personally believe before my reboot my morals have saved me a lot. Even though I had been watching porn of the age of 11 I never really went to the super kinky stuff. When I got bored of a gender I just switched to another genre, another race, another body part that was being focused you name it. I never really viewed really kinky stuff, to me it was just morally wrong. I can't go around that sometimes I was afraid it was turning me on but I said to myself that it was disgusting or/and weird. Therefor I think I did save myself from a lot of trouble.
As of the last few days I've been feeling like a horny freak like I mentioned, it made me see that I should take my reboot much more serious as I've been slacking off with everything I was doing. I've been trying to quit cigarettes and before I knew I was smoking more than I used to afterwards. My diet turned into a joke, even yesterday I ate food I actually was allergic too and I don't feel too great about that either. I've even been skipping school because I saw a way to, not very proud of either. Even my reboot got a little bit the finger, I didn't watch P but I didn't close myself off from edgy material as I used to. When I started to realize what I was doing I stopped talking to that girl, smoked my last cigarette and took a long shower. Showers have always been a thing for me to put my head to rest and just get into a deep-thinking calm state. It also gave me the insight and inspiration to write this journal entry, as I haven't been a lot on the forums.
I even started to read the YBOP e-book again, as it had helped me so much and motivated me a great deal in the beginning of my reboot. I didn't PMO but it feels like I have been set back quite a bit. Not sure if I should count it as a relapse but I will think that through.
Stay strong everyone!
The320Pilot
Member
Please do NOT PMO when you reach 120 days. Continue ahead! Try to find something that brightens up your mood! I really hope you can get out of this period of sadness and into a period of joy.
Innocence
Active Member
[Relapse]
I'm sorry guys, yesterday night day 81 I relapsed.
I was talking with a girl I've been talking to for a little while, we're also going to meet tomorrow but she was in the mood and dragged me a long.
It's clear that I really like this girl, she was teasing me a little with what we were going to do as she is staying over at my place.
From one thing came another, and so did I. Today I feel like the biggest loser ever. I gave up my 81 day reboot because I couldn't control myself.
I still remember how it felt, like I mentioned earlier, I felt like a horny freak, but it felt okay because it was with a girl I really like.
If I look back at yesterday I had wished I would have just gone to sleep earlier or at least controlled the urge but her picture just made me crazy.
I'm truly sorry for the people I've been an example to, who I have inspired. I truly hope you guys will not fall like I did and surpass me.
However, I will not give up, I may have relapsed but I haven't lost the battle.
I'm sorry guys, yesterday night day 81 I relapsed.
I was talking with a girl I've been talking to for a little while, we're also going to meet tomorrow but she was in the mood and dragged me a long.
It's clear that I really like this girl, she was teasing me a little with what we were going to do as she is staying over at my place.
From one thing came another, and so did I. Today I feel like the biggest loser ever. I gave up my 81 day reboot because I couldn't control myself.
I still remember how it felt, like I mentioned earlier, I felt like a horny freak, but it felt okay because it was with a girl I really like.
If I look back at yesterday I had wished I would have just gone to sleep earlier or at least controlled the urge but her picture just made me crazy.
I'm truly sorry for the people I've been an example to, who I have inspired. I truly hope you guys will not fall like I did and surpass me.
However, I will not give up, I may have relapsed but I haven't lost the battle.
The320Pilot
Member
If you say you relapsed, that means to me that you had an orgasm. I don't think, however, you should've had reseted your counter. If you did not MO to P, I don't think that's an issue. Part of the rebooting process involves getting in touch with women.
Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.
Or I may have simply misunderstood the entire last post. Whatever. I'm proud that you could get 81 days without PMO. The longest I've been without MO is one week and without P since Dec 4.
Recovery101
Active Member
"Why do we fall innocence?" "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Batman Begins Lol as you can see I'm a big movie fan. Don't be down man. Everybody stumbles and falls. I mean have you read my journal?!? Lol. Dude you're one of the people I look up to one this site for support. You've been with me on my reboot since Day 1, and to that I say thank you. It's only right that I return the favor. Go easy on yourself, you've made it 81 days! That more than I would ever accomplish. Don't worry man, you'll beat your record again. I know you can overcome this addiction. -Rec101
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 2]
I'm completely broken, yesterday (until today) I had a girl come over. I had met her over the internet, was madly in love with her but it didn't work out.
It felt so right to me, we just had this click and on top of that she wanted to stay over as she lives pretty far away.
We cuddled, kissed and even had sex which made me think she was in love with me too but, sadly she didn't want to have a boyfriend yet...
She was just looking for the benefits and normally I wouldn't mind but this girl had my heart and as she left I feel like crying but I can't..
I'm completely broken, yesterday (until today) I had a girl come over. I had met her over the internet, was madly in love with her but it didn't work out.
It felt so right to me, we just had this click and on top of that she wanted to stay over as she lives pretty far away.
We cuddled, kissed and even had sex which made me think she was in love with me too but, sadly she didn't want to have a boyfriend yet...
She was just looking for the benefits and normally I wouldn't mind but this girl had my heart and as she left I feel like crying but I can't..
TheAntagonist
Member
there is no need to be hasty, true love for me is not something you can find easily but then you do, you'll definitely know, just try to keep ur mood up, still here supporting you my man
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 5]
I'm still very depressed over that girl and in-general.
The last 2 days of Christmas (In Holland we have a first and second Christmas day) I've spent my time completely stoned (high) on weed.
Not going to say I'd recommend it to anyone because you'll feel good while doing it but once it's over you'll either want more or go back to your (depressed) previous state.'
The reason I did, I couldn't stand Christmas. Seeing everyone happy together, even my mother with her boyfriend. I just couldn't take it.
As expected I spent most of the time in my room with headphones on listening to music and just being slightly active on the PC.
The only thing I can be quite proud of is that I didn't PMO, but I feel like I have got a quite good control of myself when I'm under influence of substances.
I'm still very depressed over that girl and in-general.
The last 2 days of Christmas (In Holland we have a first and second Christmas day) I've spent my time completely stoned (high) on weed.
Not going to say I'd recommend it to anyone because you'll feel good while doing it but once it's over you'll either want more or go back to your (depressed) previous state.'
The reason I did, I couldn't stand Christmas. Seeing everyone happy together, even my mother with her boyfriend. I just couldn't take it.
As expected I spent most of the time in my room with headphones on listening to music and just being slightly active on the PC.
The only thing I can be quite proud of is that I didn't PMO, but I feel like I have got a quite good control of myself when I'm under influence of substances.
marsturm
Active Member
Stay strong, brother. You are worth it. Be proud of yourself. We can do it! Your depression will pass for sure. I have been depressed and could see that all that is happening is that I'm having depressive thoughts. Your soul can never be affected. Your well-being can never really be affected. As soon as the thoughts pass, if you let them, the sun will shine again. I know this sounds cheesy, and it's true. I am from Germany and know that Christmas can feel lonely in Europe (I guess it can anywhre.) Hang in there, mate. Peace and good luck.
I
Ikeepmyselfanon
Guest
stay strong my friend. Try exercising it is what helped me get rid of most of my depression. I have no idea why I was depressed, but dude if the music you are listening to is heartbroken love/relationship music then your not doing yourself any favor. Music has a hypnotic state to it which can induce certain emotional states, so basically try to listen to music that pumps you up or makes you feel good about yourself. But still I understand your predicament getting over depression is not as easy as it sounds :/ but try making changes dude before this depressive state takes a hold of you for most of your life :/ best of wishes
Innocence
Active Member
[Day 7]
Been very depressed lately, even thinking about suicide a lot.
Chatted a little with the suicide hotline but it just didn't work out, it's useless. They really should use better people than just volunteers.
I'm spending my time in this holiday just sleeping, smoking cigarettes more than ever and just doing nothing.
At least I've not given into watching porn, I never want to do that again regardless if I'm rebooting or not.
Been very depressed lately, even thinking about suicide a lot.
Chatted a little with the suicide hotline but it just didn't work out, it's useless. They really should use better people than just volunteers.
I'm spending my time in this holiday just sleeping, smoking cigarettes more than ever and just doing nothing.
At least I've not given into watching porn, I never want to do that again regardless if I'm rebooting or not.