Let's rewire. This time for real.

[Innocence]

[Day 10]

I spent my new years eve alone, I was still feeling depressed and my mother went to her boyfriend.
The friend I usually spent my new years eve with was in America with our other friend who moved back there.
Luckily I had a friend online who lived in the USA and therefor she didn't mind spending time with me until the clock had hit 12.

After 12 I went to a friend, invited another friend and she invited someone else.
As we live in a small town, doesn't mean there isn't a party. Normally I would hate party's like that, but I wanted to give it a try.
I had been alone the entire evening after all, had to socialize and after all it was fun.
Got slightly drunk and to there was another friend (well it's a small town, you see a lot of old friends) who had some weed so I didn't say no to that either.

After a lot of dancing, laughing and just in general having fun at 4.00 AM the party was over and we went to our homes.
Sadly, my bike was blown up by fireworks, well it still works.... Partly..
When I got home, I went straight to bed and slept quite deep.

Today, I woke up somewhere around 5.00 PM, was still a little bit fuzzy from the night.
Luckily no hang-over because I didn't drank that much anyway but as the brainfog disappeared I started feeling miserable again.
I think it's because what has been going on the last few days, loneliness and just anxiety for financial subjects and of course stress for school.

Life is being a really tough one and sometimes I just want to give up.. Not on PMO, but on everything else.

 

[The320Pilot]

[Day 10]

I spent my new years eve alone, I was still feeling depressed and my mother went to her boyfriend.
The friend I usually spent my new years eve with was in America with our other friend who moved back there.
Luckily I had a friend online who lived in the USA and therefor she didn't mind spending time with me until the clock had hit 12.

After 12 I went to a friend, invited another friend and she invited someone else.
As we live in a small town, doesn't mean there isn't a party. Normally I would hate party's like that, but I wanted to give it a try.
I had been alone the entire evening after all, had to socialize and after all it was fun.
Got slightly drunk and to there was another friend (well it's a small town, you see a lot of old friends) who had some weed so I didn't say no to that either.

After a lot of dancing, laughing and just in general having fun at 4.00 AM the party was over and we went to our homes.
Sadly, my bike was blown up by fireworks, well it still works.... Partly..
When I got home, I went straight to bed and slept quite deep.

Today, I woke up somewhere around 5.00 PM, was still a little bit fuzzy from the night.
Luckily no hang-over because I didn't drank that much anyway but as the brainfog disappeared I started feeling miserable again.
I think it's because what has been going on the last few days, loneliness and just anxiety for financial subjects and of course stress for school.

Life is being a really tough one and sometimes I just want to give up.. Not on PMO, but on everything else.

Hey, Innocence, it's a new year. Raise your head and look ahead. Enjoy your friends, your free time, listen to joyful music. Broken-heart music will surely not help. Try to become happier with the things you do. I wish you a nice 2015. 

 

[Innocence]

[day 15]

It's been a while since I last wrote in this journal.
Meanwhile not much happened as I've been really depressed and suicidal.
Also, my internet broke down therefore I can only access the Internet by my phone which I don't think is that bad but it's really annoying for school work etc.

Negatives aside, I talked with the suicide hotline in the form of a chat.
I accepted their offer to talk with a therapist as a chat therapy and today I had my first session.
It went really well, I borrowed a laptop and used my neighbors wifi and I feel slightly emotional in a good way. It was really nice to type my thoughts away still knowing there is a professional at the other side of the screen. Usually talking in real life about my problems can be really hard as I easily shut down.

On the other side, I noticed I may have developed a love addiction. I want to work on that too with the sessions (if I even have it) and figure out how to deal with that and I figured it could also be a great help for my porn addiction.
Because I've really been feeling like a horny bastard over the last few days, but it didn't surprise me as I've just started rebooting again being on 15 days.

 

[Innocence]

[Day 16]

Today my internet got fixed and I was lucky to have another session with a chat therapist.
Every time we chat we only have an hour (and 8 sessions in total) and they really fly away!

This is not the same therapist as the suicide hot line, I signed up on 2 different sites to try them out as I normally don't really have a lot of faith in therapy.

What I've noticed is that, even though someone can't see you a chat therapy can really work well.
You can easily sit behind your PC, be anonymous, admit your shame without having to say it.
I personally like the chat therapist I got, they frequently ask you if the chat is what you want out of it and because you're anonymous you don't have to feel ashamed saying no and telling them how you want it.

I personally had a lot of issues in the past saying what was really on my mind, but in the first session I even talked with this therapist a little about my porn addiction, we had little time left therefore we didn't go all the way about it but she even told me she heard it a lot.
Of course that wasn't a surprise but that people had told a therapist surprised me, I didn't get the chance to ask for her experiences with those other people but it was nice to know she was experienced.

 

[Innocence]

[Day 16]

Currently having a panic attack, I'm shaking, sweating, breathing quickly and I'm just confused...
Been swinging my arms all around me, hitting my desk, hitting my wall, hitting myself, pulling out my hair..
I'm going insane!

 

[Innocence]

[Day 16]

After 1,5 hour my panic attack stopped.
Worst feeling ever.

 

[Innocence]

[Day 17]

Yesterday as I was trying to study, I got a panic attack.
It was truly horrifying and it lasted for roughly 1 hour and 30 minutes before I stopped shaking and panicking.
A lot of emotions came out, I even cried after a really long time when I called a support line because I was so confused I didn't know what to do.

After about an hour my mother came home because I had sent her a text what was going on, also because this is the first panic attack I ever experienced.
Today all my muscles still felt very weak, was rather down but as the day went by I also got my stuff together and I feel more relieved.

I don't know if this is because of my reboot, but I had a lot of stress,frustrations and emotions built up but it did not affect my reboot as I did not PMO or have an urge to even do that.

As I mentioned a lot of emotions got out, that way I actually feel quite relieved and even my urges to PMO have gone down A LOT.
Maybe a wise lesson in this too is that you have to battle your emotional struggles to make your reboot a lot easier.

 

[readytobefree]

Hey Innocence, I read your entire journal. That was a mad 81 day tear bro, even right now you're at 17 days is really impressive!

I'm curious about your mood regarding depression and the reboot. Can you say with certainty that over the 81 days your mood improved compared to when you just started your reboot? Reading your journal it seemed like you still had some strong mood swings.

I would say I suffer from some kind of depression and social anxiety, so I'm really hopeful for the reboot to fix my head or at least improve it.

It's great you're exercising too and trying to keep yourself active. Good luck! I'll be following your journal.

 

[Innocence]

Hey Innocence, I read your entire journal. That was a mad 81 day tear bro, even right now you're at 17 days is really impressive!

I'm curious about your mood regarding depression and the reboot. Can you say with certainty that over the 81 days your mood improved compared to when you just started your reboot? Reading your journal it seemed like you still had some strong mood swings.

I would say I suffer from some kind of depression and social anxiety, so I'm really hopeful for the reboot to fix my head or at least improve it.

It's great you're exercising too and trying to keep yourself active. Good luck! I'll be following your journal.

Thank you for taking the time and interest in my journal!
Yes the day 81 was a rough mood breaker and made my reboot very tough to built up again, I can't deny that.

In general my mood has gone up a lot, I also suffer from social anxiety but during my reboot I can proudly say it has improved!
Even though I have anxiety disorder I feel more social and confident about myself. This can also due the fact I started exercising.
I feel more comfortable talking to people and be myself, this developed itself.

At first I didn't notice it that much until my mother actually noticed I made a stronger impression and I feel less anxious in social situations.
Regarding the depression, I do find more fun in other activities but I do believe you have to actively work on it too but the reboot can be a break through!

I also found your journal, currently I'm being rather busy with school as I have 7 days of tests (and only tests) after that I will take my time to read your journal (or when I have free time in between )

Thanks again for taking your time to read my journal and I hope I can be a support for you!

 

[Innocence]

[Day 21]

Yesterday I had another panic attack, I also learned from my aunt it's in the family
It was truly awful and it makes me feel even more social scared and exhausted.
Got no motivation to do anything, but today I did visit the GP.

Next Wednesday I'll have an appointment.

 

[Innocence]

[Day 23]

Still been feeling rather anxious, life still feels like a pile of shit.

So today I had an appointment at the GP where there was some sort of psycho therapist, he was a very nice, understand man.
I've never felt this understood before, yet I felt exhausted and drained afterwards.
Still facing heavy brain fog, social anxiety and just feeling like shit in-general.

Not sure if I'm going to continue this journal a lot, I'm filled with emotions, sadness, anxiety, you name it.

To who all reading this, stay strong in your reboot!
Reboot has really helped me, until I relapsed, yet I will try to keep strong too, but my mental health is just going off-path right now.

 

[Innocence]

It's been a while since I posted here.
I'm currently not keeping track of my days, but I'd like to share something with you guys.

For almost 2 weeks I've been using antidepressants to boost my serotonin levels, it has helped me very greatly.
It has cured my premature ejaculation and also the need to watch porn has greatly decreased while I'm not numbed down.
I might consider getting active here again.

 

[Marko7776]

you're more than halfway there!
will you stop using them when you reboot?

 

[Innocence]

you're more than halfway there!
will you stop using them when you reboot?

Nope, it's in my family to have low serotonin levels so I'm using them to prevent being depressed and a lot of other annoying symptoms.