Becoming the person I need to be

[Not a Rabbi]

I relapsed with P last night and this morning. Obviously I can't keep doing this shit. Feeling a bit better after doing some journal work, going through three big questions (vidvan gave me the ideas):

• Why do I want to quit?
• Why do I keep doing PMO?
• What are my triggers, and how can I address them?

I have so many answers to why I want to quit, including overcoming my mental health struggles, being a moral person (mainly because porn is an immoral industry), to not waste my time, and to be a good husband and (in the future) father. I identified several triggers and strategies for addressing them; hoping to lean on prayer, meditation, exercise, and reminding myself of my goals. Couldn't come up with many reasons why I keep doing this, and will need to keep thinking. So far I have that it's comforting, I'm an addict, I manage to rationalize in the moment, and I block out the reasons for quitting in the moment. If anyone has suggestions for inspiring more thought about this I would love to hear them. I am also gonna write up a few things on a small notecard or something to review at least daily, to remind me of my need to overcome.

 

[canguro]

I just looked through your whole journal again and counted the relapses. It was ten, but counting more relapses straight after another as one. At the same time I recognized how good you where doing, when you reached one month!
I absolutely don't agree with @Filmguy30 when he say don't stress about the relapses. Don't take that too easy, without beating you up. You need to use it to build more determination, therefore using it as a motivation!

How did your last relapse happen? What was your trigger and under which circumstances did it happen? Was there a particulary bad day? What where you thinking?
What are you doing to build up resistance against porn?
You say it is comforting and it definetly is - what substitute have you thought of to comfort yourself in a healthy way or get over emotional lows and how are you doing with it?


Another thing I saw: You wrote aboute the "kittel", didn't know thats a yiddish word...we have many of them in the german language and we use " kittel" for a lot of coat-like clothing. For example doctors wear "kittels" and it is also used as synonym for jacket, at least in some areas. =D

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Thank you brother. It is helpful to see my decreases in relapse: for example, I've had 5 days with MO this month, compared to 9 at this point in October and September, 10 at this point in August, 13 at this point in July... big improvement. Same story with P: 3 days this month compared to 11 at this point in July. This amount of recovery would have been unthinkable just a few months ago, so I know that I can keep improving. I think that I used my relapse as motivation by doing the productive journal work yesterday also.

My last relapse was on a tough day--I had injured myself earlier in the week and was feeling the pain, was tired, had a fight with my wife, etc. The trigger was the tough emotional state. I've been working on reading helpful recovery stuff, avoiding the internet, and generally engaging in self improvement to help my mood in order to build up my resistance. I struggle with finding substitutes--exercise, meditation, and prayer are all helpful but ultimately require more effort than PMO (especially MO), so the addiction can win out... trying to focus on improving this though. And hoping to use @Filmguy30 suggestion of documenting my relapses, sounds like a good exercise.

Interesting that kittel is in both languages! I know there's a lot of overlap between Yiddish and German but I often forget lol. I don't actually speak Yiddish but many Jews in general have Yiddish words in their vocabulary.

 

[canguro]

Basically, when your addiction is no longer sufficient to handle your negative emotions you become motivated to begin the reboot process (this is the definition of hitting rock bottom). Although after a while this motivation fades and since the only way you know how to handle your life is through addiction you go back it the addictive behaviors. Many of us are struggling with this. Merely abstaining and replacing your habits with activities will not help you. You'll always be looking over your shoulder and will eventually act on your urges when the emotional pain becomes too great. What is needed is to build a healthy foundation and monitor your addiction.

I just wanted to share that quote from another journal with you, it really helped me today to understand how important it is, to learn to handle your emotional stress in another way and just abstaining won't be enough if you have no plan for those times where you are so down that you go back to basically using porn as self-medication to numb yourself.
That's what nearly let me relapse a few days ago. Normaly I would go running when I feel stressed, but this day my mood was even too low for that.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

MO'd yesterday and the night before. Since then, been focusing on comforting myself with healthy means like canguro suggested. I've been going through a lot of emotional difficulties lately so I've needed it. Last night I meditated and this morning I read instead of MO. Gonna keep running with this idea.

 

[vidvan13]

The idea that you have been going though emotional difficulty and hence you 'needed' it, is the classical symptom of escape, for any addict. It is exactly at this precise moment, when you are trying to escape the tough reality, that you have to make a choice and accept that difficult uncomfortable feelings are to be faced, and not put aside. The thought that you 'need' it is a chemical habit and it can be replaced with trigger work. It also suggests that the underlying reason for the situation is not being dealt with. So, take this opportunity again and see if you can work on these three things - the underlying cause, developing the courage to face reality, and some replacement habit for each trigger - it will be uncomfortable, it will be painful, but it will be liberating, real and shame free. There is no God out there to save you. You have the power within you to make a choice. What you are stuck into right now is numbing and escape, which keeps making you feel worse afterwards, as you keep repeating the cycle. You can do it. You are not lost till you keep trying.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Thank you! I meant that I needed emotional comforting, not the MO. I recognize that the MO doesn't actually help and in fact makes things worse. Replacing MO with positive, constructive habits is a big focus for me right now. You do make a great point about the underlying causes, though. Many of my issues are vague mental health problems with no identifiable cause aside from PMO, but of course I do go through struggles that have causes, and I need to work on addressing those.

I do personally believe in God and that He helps me in this journey, but I have to do my part; I have free will and while I can ask Him for assistance, only I can make the decisions that will directly affect my life.

2 days clean from MO now; 4 days clean from P.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

MO'd this morning after 5 days. My trigger was being at a party last night with beautiful women, and then fantasizing. I need to get back to working on my story that I've stopped working on for a while, as I could get excited about it and redirect my fantasizing; will try to do that today. Other than that, I need to keep doing my step work as I need a mindset shift so that I stop looking at women as objects.

7 days clean from P.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

MO'd again today, but still clean from P. Didn't do the stuff I said I would do yesterday, so that must happen today.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Pretty good day today and squeaky clean! Grateful for God and my family for making today so nice. This is what life is like free from PMO. Gonna keep going!!!

 

[Not a Rabbi]

MO last night. Just was a really frustrating day at work and I'm still having trouble replacing MO with healthy ways to deal with stress. 11 days no P though.

 

[vidvan13]

while MO try not to fantasize. Meanwhile find a replacement habit. Keep trying my friend.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Thanks. Still working on the replacement habit, and need to find a way to avoid MO first thing in the morning, because it happened today and I really am not thinking at that point in the day, it's basically automatic. Probably need to focus on the mindset shift I know I need. And, definitely a good call if I MO to at least not fantasize so it's not as bad.

Still clean on P though!

 

[Not a Rabbi]

I did MO again on the last day I posted. However, I'm clean since then: now at 5 days no MO and 17 days no P. I've been able to successfully remind myself of the harms of MO in the moment (had some close calls though). Going on vacation next week so hopefully that will help alleviate mental health struggles (going somewhere warm to lay on the beach for a week).

I hadn't mentioned it before, but about 3 weeks ago I stopped smoking THC weed, which was a long time habit. The haze it creates definitely did not help my recovery. I have a new struggle though--since THC suppresses dreams or at least memory of dreams, I noticed a vivid sex dream last night which made it even harder to avoid relapse in the morning. I hope this will get more normal soon as it's really a trigger.

 

[canguro]

Great that you're quitting weed! That should give you more motivation and determination. Weed makes lazy and stops you from caring. That's definetly something you have to stop when you want to change your life...
.;

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Great that you're quitting weed! That should give you more motivation and determination. Weed makes lazy and stops you from caring. That's definetly something you have to stop when you want to change your life...
.;

Yup, I was in denial about that for soooo long lol. It's held me back for sure.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Been a while--I had a really bad binge last Friday, with 4 back-to-back PMO sessions. Obviously I felt horrible afterwards. It ties into the undeniable fact that part of me doesn't want to quit PMO, that values the false sense of comfort. I am continuing to work on overcoming that. I also MO'd on Sunday. However, since then I've been clean.

I'm lucky enough to be on vacation in a beautiful tropical destination right now, which has been a rejuvenating experience so far. There is a lot of temptation here, but it's really alleviated by being here with my wife. Why stare at some woman like a creep and have a frustrated MO sesh thinking about her when I can have sex with the love of my life instead? It's a no-brainer and a big motivator for quitting PMO.

 

[gawain]

Been a while--I had a really bad binge last Friday, with 4 back-to-back PMO sessions. Obviously I felt horrible afterwards. It ties into the undeniable fact that part of me doesn't want to quit PMO, that values the false sense of comfort. I am continuing to work on overcoming that. I also MO'd on Sunday. However, since then I've been clean.

Sorry to hear about the relapse man. Can you think of some way to up the stakes? Like, decide on some new restriction or practice you have to adopt if you relapse again? Obviously you have to be committed to following through on it, otherwise it won't work. I know this has been helpful to me in the past. I've been able to resist for a long time with the thought X hanging over my head if I relapse again. It's tricky though. Upping the stakes can push you to start hiding things. That also happened to me. It's easy to let yourself off and say, "Well, that doesn't work because that makes me want to lie." But I realized I do need to up the ante while also accepting the outcome of my actions instead of lying and concealing the truth.

I hope you had a good vacation and are now rested, refreshed and ready to pursue this worthy goal!

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Sorry to confess that I had another relapse on Thursday night. I consider it to be PMO though it was very "tame" material. As gawain says I need to up the stakes--especially as I know already that January will be a busy and potentially stressful month at work for me. This will be a subject of my journaling over the next couple of weeks, as well as figuring out other measures to continue recovering and not get set back in the upcoming stress.

 

[gawain]

Sorry to confess that I had another relapse on Thursday night. I consider it to be PMO though it was very "tame" material. As gawain says I need to up the stakes--especially as I know already that January will be a busy and potentially stressful month at work for me. This will be a subject of my journaling over the next couple of weeks, as well as figuring out other measures to continue recovering and not get set back in the upcoming stress.

I remember hearing about a woman who had tried to quit smoking for years. One day she decided she really wanted to be done, so she got a friend to help her come up with something she would have to do that would be really distateful to her if she smoked again. She decided on making a donation to the KKK. In the end, she was able to quit smoking without ever donating to the KKK because she was so replused by the idea. I think she actually gave her friend a completely filled out check in case the worst happened.

Maybe you can think of an organization you would hate to donate to and find someone you trust that would gaurantee they would actually send the donation if they knew you had relapsed. Again, you would have to be committed to being truthful and looping people into your struggle.