Day 16. Didn't spend any money. Didn't check the site once. Had a pretty busy day. I know when I have busy days I won't spend anything. I am afraid that once things slow down I will relapse. I am currently keeping in mind the things I need to work towards in life: Paying family back, getting out of debt so I can buy a house, peace of mind. I let the cam girls control me for far too long.
Day 17. Failed again. Almost $200 down the drain. I'm tired.
I feel like I am possessed by a demon. I KNOW that this is bad. I KNOW they only want my money. I KNOW that I am ruining my life. The scary thing is, the moments when I feel really horny, when I really want it, I will tell myself these things and I will say in my head: "I don't care". That is terrifying. That isn't me talking. I have lost control of myself and I need to fight myself and rid myself of this demon, rid myself of this addiction.
The urge has always been the worst right after I have sex. It's like I don't want the party to stop. No amount of additional sex helps. I still want the cam girls afterwards. I had sex on Friday and it opened a can of worms. I had sex again today and I still wanted the cam girls. I am going to have sex tomorrow and I STILL want some cam girls.
I think I might have a general sex addiction. I want to have sex every hour, but no woman's vagina is ready for that, at least not with me. At best, she will need a few hours because she is sore. Sometimes it takes days. I get antsy. I am not a celebrity or someone with social clout so I don't have a plethora of "hoes" on deck. I can have sex, I enjoy it, but I obviously don't have enough women lined up to have sex anytime the urge comes. I love the cam girls because it is the closest thing I can get to having a shared sexual experience with someone ANYTIME I feel like. It's also the only way I can have a shared sexual experience with multiple women in an absurdly short amount of time. I can't pull that off in real life. I cannot call up 5 different women to have sex with in the span of 4 hours. But on a cam site? Easy to have fun with 4 women in an hour. It's live, and I get to make someone cum with me. BUT...this stops today.
I requested for the cam support to permanently blacklist my name and my card. I will go back and get them to blacklist all the cards I own. I want it to be impossible to spend money on the site.
I am committed to making a change and I need to cut off access in a way where I cannot reverse it. In the past I have tried blocking it myself or getting them to close my accounts, but I would always unblock the site or make a new account. I need to put safeguards against myself. I am going to focus on busting nuts on this girl tomorrow instead of busting my bank account.