Jswizzle
Active Member
Blondie,Day 155
Fear is a bitch. Sometimes over the last few weeks, I'll be going on with my day, and out of nowhere, I'll get this panic of fear come over me that I will relapse and mess up all my progress. It can be many things that set it off, maybe a cute girl walks by, and I happened to notice her, and just like that, my brain tells me I'm going to fuck up, even though I wasn't even tempted, but just saw beauty and acknowledge it, etc. Then I have to talk to myself like a parent, going through this process:
1. Were you really tempted to look at porn? Me: No, I just recognized beauty, and acknowledged it. Porn is not an option. It leaves me, my sex life, and everything else of worth in ruins.
2. Do you really think it's wrong to notice beauty? Me: I do not. It's normal.
3. Then you're okay. Me: I guess I am.
Then I go along with my day, but it takes me a few minutes to get through this whole process. Of course, it doesn't always happen with a cute girl walking in front of me, more often than not it's just a sudden fear coming out of nowhere that hits me like a ton of bricks. Either way, I have to talk myself out of it, and rationalize with myself, and then move on with my day. It's almost like my brain is trying to fuck me up, by making me think I was actually tempted, when in fact, I wasn't.
Do any of you get this sudden dread come over you once in a while? It doesn't happen often, but it's mind-blowing when it does. I guess 155 days in the grand scheme of things is still not that far out from ground zero. And as I've said over and over again, you can't get rid of this crap, by giving it only 70%, it just not possible. 100% commitment is the only way forward, and if that means my brain will fuck with me from time to time, then so be it.
I think hypervigilance can be a good thing. Fear not so much. Hypervigilance keeps me in recovery. You're changing your way of life without pornography. Keep giving it hell brother.