Hi,
I'm not sure how to start so I'll get right into it. This will probably turn into a wall of text, so the TL;DR is that I'm here to break my porn addiction, track my progress doing so, and have something to hold me accountable.
The realization:
A therapist recognized my porn addiction in January of 2020. I agreed with her, but didn't take it as seriously as I now wish I would have. I had known it was a problem and suspected it was an addiction for years before that. Around December 2020, I started having painful, dry orgasms. Through doctor appointments and medications, the problem is getting better. It turned out to be a swollen prostate and blocked ejaculatory ducts, and could lead to fertility problems in the future. I don't have children yet but would like to in the future. Hearing that I may have to have invasive surgeries and/or go through IVF to have children later scared the s--- out of me. I suspect the prostate swelling and other issues could be symptoms of excessive masturbation, but I haven't found much literature on the subject, and none of the doctors have even brought it up, and I've been embarrassed to ask. Today, in therapy, I confessed to my current therapist that I'm addicted to porn, and that I need help. We talked about it, and I came up with a plan (I'll get to that later).
The past:
I first remember seeing naked women on cable TV at around 6 years old. At 9 a kid at school stole a Playboy magazine from a relative and it ended up in my room. At 11 we had a cable box in the living room rigged to get every (yes, every) channel for free. At 12 or 13 we got dial up internet. At 18 I bought a few magazines at an adult store. At 20 I had my own computer with cable internet. Every step made it easier to PMO, and the more I did it the more of a normal part of my life it became. There was a period of almost 4 years where I didn't have sex or even go on any dates (not caused by porn addiction, by other stuff going on in life). No sexual contact with another human being at all. I bought a 1 TB portable hard drive and filled it with porn. I would go on multiple hour binges. I bought a 4 TB hard drive, and filled it. My tastes in porn have gone past what I previously considered my walls. I don't know if I was addicted before that 4-year period started, but I for sure was at the end of those 4 years. Looking back, I know that the first woman I started having sex with after that 4-year streak didn't get everything I had to offer. I know our relationship, both sex life and everything else, would have been so much better if she wasn't competing for my attention against this invisible enemy she didn't even know about. Since that relationship ended, I bought an 8 TB hard drive, transferred the old videos over, filled the 8TB, then refilled the 4 TB. I've had my ups and downs sex life wise, and for anything longer than a fling, the woman I'm with never gets my full attention sexually, which sucks for me and for her. Around thanksgiving of 2021, I decided to give up porn. I disconnected the hard drives. Deleted my auto login info for the sites I was paying for. Told myself that I would only masturbate to memories of actual sexual encounters, and only a few times a week. I did really well for about 5 weeks. I started a relationship, but it ended very shortly. Then I went right off the wagon. Bought another annual pass to a website. Plugged the hard drives back in, started PMO multiple times a day.
The future:
My goal is to really break this. I don't know if I'll be able to watch any porn at all in the future. It's like the analogy to how some former alcoholics can recover and have a few beers on Saturday, while others can never have another drink again. To that end, I need to stop for at least a while, to know I'm capable of fully stopping, before I can consider using again.
My plan:
No porn, porn substitutes, or masturbation for 1 month (Until March 10th). Sex with women allowed.
After that, masturbation 2 times a week allowed, for 1 month (Until April 10th). Still no porn or porn substitutes, and no thinking about porn while masturbating (thinking about previous sexual encounters allowed). Sex with women allowed.
My hard drives have been unplugged and carried to the other side of my room. I will not plug them back in.
Overcoming challenges:
My therapist suggested a few things to help me stick to this. I should change up my computer area to break my previous muscle memory habits. I should find substitute healthy behaviors. I should have someone to keep me accountable. I know these may not specifically be for porn addiction, but I'm trying to substitute good habits for bad, and give myself healthy distractions.
Before Monday the 14th, I will clean my desk, and set it up as a standing desk. I'll do at least 10 pushups and 10 squats before using my computer, and again for each hour of use. I will only use my computer while standing for at least the first month of my program (watching movies from bed allowed, for up to 1 hour a day, 3 on weekends).
During the first month, at least 3 times a week, I will go to the gym and lift weights and/or do 30 minutes of treadmill.
Starting Monday, I will always have clean workout clothes in my room. If I feel I can't overcome the urge to watch porn or masturbate, I'll go for a walk/run for at least 30 minutes.
At least once a week, I will prepare myself a meal from scratch.
Adjacent addictions:
I also struggle with video games, although not nearly as bad. But my fear is that I'll substitute excessive video game consumption. So for the first month, I will limit myself to 2 hours on Fridays, and 3 hours each on Saturday and Sunday. I'll reassess at the end of the first month. TV and video games not to exceed 5 hours on any Saturday or Sunday.
I will not have more than 1 beer or 1 shot on a work night. I will not get drunk alone.
I will add things as I think of them, and post updates to how all of this goes. I don't know if I want or am ready for an accountability partner yet. As of right now my intention is to check on this journal regularly. Every day would be nice, but I'm committing to 3 days a week, in case life gets in the way.
I'd like to thank this community and everyone involved in making this site possible. I honestly feel like this is going to help me change my life. Sincerely, thank you.
I feel too tired to PMO even if I was allowed to. Maybe the key is to always be exhausted. In all seriousness the combination of exercise, community, and mental engagement of martial arts is just... difficult to describe. I recommend it to anyone who gets the chance. For me I feel like it's a game changer.