To always start again

viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Feel really bummed.
I try, I try, I try but this thing seems bigger than me... (slipped again moments ago).
Phone is tucked away but that is not a problem in the end.
Re-reading easypeasy helps, and at times it feels like the monster is slowly dying. But then the moment arrives when I know for a fact it's going to make me feel unhappy but I still go ahead and do it. Started meditating every day this week.

Hope for better days!
VIking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Hi.
Long time no see...
Was about 10 days until today. Started doing SPAA meetings, once a week at least, more if I can.
Feeling a bit better about everything, but man, this is harder than I thought. Today I knew 100% that I didn't want to go to my addiction but I still did. I now know I cannot do this on my own. Hope to reach cruising altitude soon :)
Best
Viking
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
viking1234 said:
Hi.
Long time no see...
Was about 10 days until today. Started doing SPAA meetings, once a week at least, more if I can.
Feeling a bit better about everything, but man, this is harder than I thought. Today I knew 100% that I didn't want to go to my addiction but I still did. I now know I cannot do this on my own. Hope to reach cruising altitude soon :)
Best
Viking
Click to expand...
Glad you are finding the meetings worthwhile. Hope you see progress soon.
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
No good news today - slipped again after 4 days. Feeling pretty down. Trying to completely accept my addict condition, to ask my higher power for help, but man it's difficult...
Hoping for a change
Viking
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
viking1234 said:
No good news today - slipped again after 4 days. Feeling pretty down. Trying to completely accept my addict condition, to ask my higher power for help, but man it's difficult...
Hoping for a change
Viking
Click to expand...
You may need more structured support at first.
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Androg said:
You may need more structured support at first.
Click to expand...
What do you mean by structured support?

I slipped again today after 7 days. Was very busy with work travel through the weekend and then today I felt a bit sick and super stressed... that didn't help at all.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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viking1234 said:
What do you mean by structured support?

I slipped again today after 7 days. Was very busy with work travel through the weekend and then today I felt a bit sick and super stressed... that didn't help at all.
Click to expand...
Some kind of structured addiction program, such as a 12 step program or other similar concept. Daily check-ins and a sponsor can sometimes help you get traction.
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Well, after over a year, I'm back.
I'm still struggling with my addiction, even if I'm attending SPAA meetings regularly. That has helped massively, and I see that P is more deeply rooted than I ever thought.
Trying to convince myself that I'm worthy of love and that I matter. I wanted to start posting again, daily if possible, to keep better track of my mood swings and avoid future slips. For the past weeks, I have watched some P without finishing, edging a lot and spending plenty of time trying to find websites that my blockers don't know about. The blocking is working, so those websites are getting fewer and fewer, but you wouldn't believe the amount of P on the net.
Despite everything, I still feel there is some progress, and I've recently felt more withdrawal symptoms than ever before - I'm having trouble sleeping, I have P flashbacks and regular urges. I'm on day 2 of no PMO and no edging. The weather is not helping - where I live there is very little sunlight and lately only storms, so my mood is not the best right now, so I try to counteract that with regular sport.
Glad to be back. I'll try to come back more than before and I'll keep you/me posted!
Thanks :)
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Thanks Blondie!
Day 3 of no PMO, though I'd have to say I edged shortly on the only search engine which somehow my blocker doesn't get, so I'm resetting that counter. Otherwise still raining... had some mood swings but not as strong as before. Trying to keep myself busy working. A lot of changes in my life right now make things a bit more stressful, but somehow if I see or think anything P related it just feels repulsive. Why would I do that again? On the other side, I know my addict brain is craving it so much, so I cannot lower my guard, the urges will hit soon enough.
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
So... Unfortunately day 1 again. It was a stupid stumble. I managed to find a workaround on my blocker, which allowed me to watch P for literally 4 minutes while my partner was out with the dog. Otherwise we're sleeping separately because she was a bit sick, which gives me free rein to do whatever in the bedroom. In this case, try to find some pics in my e-reader's browser. Imagine the quality! Oh, how the sick brain falls...
At around 1 am, I realised how sad and miserable that was, and managed to shut everything down, finally settling down for what ended up being a rather short night.
I obviously woke up quite tired, so not in the best of moods today. The workaround is still there, so I'm trying to find a solution for that. I contacted my blocker's support, who usually are quite fast in answering with good solutions, let's see if they can do something about it.
Otherwise I'd have to find a solution and that really stresses me out because P is just a few clicks away :(
Trying to keep my mind cool... I really really really don't want to go back into this sh+*

Thanks for listening,
Viking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Day 2.
Bad news with the blocker thing... the developers cannot do much about that workaround, so I'll have to live with that. And I cannot lock the app in question because it's the launcher, so that would have my blocker putting up a black screen basically all the time. I guess I'll have to live with that, unfortunately.
Trying to pray and put my life in the hands of my Higher Power. Nice weather today, so went for a run. The dog got excited and we ended up running 6k, so pretty destroyed right now... A bit of work and studying, so far the day has been quite OK.
I'm scared for the evening though, I'm still sleeping alone in the bedroom, so I need to avoid taking my phone in the bedroom at all costs tonight.
One of my jobs is always very hard - not to mention too much details, but basically there are a lot of girls around. I genuinely love what I do, but that one in particular is very tough when you're trying not to edge. I hope that at some point in my life I'll be able to 'connect with another human being', as the program says, and not just think of every woman as an object.
I slept better last night, though still waking up a bit too early... My partner is otherwise on sick leave until Sunday, so I couldn't attend a lot of SPAA meetings this week.
I know I'm powerless, so I'm trying to put my faith in something above and let that guide my life.

Thanks for listening!
Viking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Stupid, stupid, stupid relapse.
Ended up taking the phone to bed, everybody knows what happened after that.
However, that motivated me to find a fix for the workaround, so that's solved!
My partner is better so no more bedroom time alone. And I'm thinking of implementing a rule where I just don't use any devices after 21 hs or so. Why would I need to? Yesterday I got home very late from work and was winded up and not sleepy at all, so I rationalised that into 'I'll just watch some youtube in bed'. Sure, sure...
Day 1. I'm powerless, but that doesn't mean I don't have to do anything. Fighting this with all my being. It's not worth the 5 seconds of pleasure.
Viking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Day 3 of no PMO, day 0 of edging.
I was working the whole day yesterday so I didn't have time to post.
I really enjoyed yesterday, and I realise a lot of people value having my in the team. It's very touching and it makes me feel very sad in a way, thinking of how the addiction makes me feel so unworthy of love, whereas reality is showing me otherwise.
It's still very hard not to open the one search engine my blocker cannot block and stop trying to find one website that is not blacklisted. It's become almost like a thing I do when I'm bored - just lie down on the couch and do that. I'm trying actively to engage in other activities, from reading to playing the guitar to watching a movie. Basically whatever without my tablet.
A bit tired today so I'll take time to recover and regain strength for the coming week. I hope I can make it for a meeting.
Ups and downs every now and then. I know they have to do only with P. Funny that the thing that's causing your downs is also the thing you want to have EVEN IF it's making you feel like shit. Have to remember that throughout the day.
One day at a time. One hour at a time, if needed.

Thanks for listening,
Viking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Day 1 again, unfortunately.
Completely powerless over the addiction. I edged too much, it has almost become a second nature. Opening that search engine and finding the ONE website which is not blocked. Sadly, I found plenty of them. Actually it was the same website with different URLs. In my eagerness to block them all, I started opening them, and obviously, if you play with fire, you're gonna get burned eventually.

I have to stop thinking that I can block all the P website on the net. It's probably impossible, with new ones coming up every time. I have to nip the problem in the bud and just avoid opening that search engine when I'm bored. Just find something else to do. What bothers me the most is that is usually happens after lunch, when I want to lay down or sit on the couch for 10-15 minutes before going back to work. Then I end up wasting one hour on this s+**.

Anyhow, back to one day at a time. I think I need smaller goals. First, a week. Then we'll see. I was never so conscious about the unhealthy ups PMO gives me, which inevitably lead to downs the days after. Images of P cross my mind when I talk to my dear partner.

Journaling has helped me a bit to order my thoughts, even if it's not showing in the numbers yet I guess. I could probably use more meditation and more regular SPAA meetings, but unfortunately my partner is working more from home and that doesn't give me enough privacy to participate in meetings. I'll have to find a way.

Praying for the best. Thanks for listening.
Viking
 
viking1234

viking1234

Active Member
Hi, everyone.
Still struggling with post-lunch edging, which led me to watch about 5' of P today, so I'll be resetting. Didn't lead to anything, but I'm know I'm not out of the bushes yet. Updated my blocker with the new sites. Trying to pray, I'll be attending a meeting today, and hoping to learn to ditch my tablet after lunch.
Day 0 then.
Thanks for listening!
 
I

Impression

Member
Hey viking1234 - looks like you’ve had a long road getting here. But it’s great to see your resilience in sticking this out. You clearly really want to kick this addiction once and for all.

It sounds like you have a real struggle with not being able to control your urges when you’re on the internet, is that an accurate observation?
 
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