downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 7
I wanted to post here just to solidify my thoughts and maybe help others going through the same situation. Feel free to comment.
I'm 34 years old and and started using porn maybe 17 or 18 years ago. There was a sense of deep shame especially the first few years, but I think that I gradually came to accept that I was always going to continue using it, and the shame got less and less prominent and even turned to acceptance the last few years. Might be because I have an understanding that masturbation is fundamentally not wrong and is even a healthy thing to do, but I got the concept conflated with porn - which in itself is really worrying.
I think most times I used porn over the years, just after reaching orgasm I felt like never doing it again. I guess that's what they call clarity, and I should have been listening to that feeling. There's really nothing about porn that's actually compelling to me, if I just look away from the routine and automaticity of the act. I don't want to spend hours in the dark in front of a screen searching for the "right" moment. Moment for what? It's all just a waste of time and energy. There is nothing I get out of it. I've pretty much been stuck in a loop, triggered by the smallest thing at first, and ending in the same way every time. I've been a slave to this bullshit, and I'm not going to let it continue.
I should mention that I actually did manage to quit at some point, when getting into a relationship. I was pretty much a virgin back then at the age of 24, and I guess the relationship made it easier to live without porn - but without actually making the decision mindfully, I was completely unable to resist getting back into porn when we broke up a few years later and the loneliness set in.
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The last three years I have been masturbating to porn sometimes every two or three days when trying to cut back and sometimes one or two times a day when indulging. This is in addition to the habit of scrolling through all kinds of content on social media like Instagram and Reddit, where the search often begins and ends up spiraling out of control. I started to notice weaker erections during this period - my erection did not match my horniness and I experienced delayed ejaculations and sometimes loss of erection. I have also been experiencing depression and social / general anxiety.
In this same period of time I started working out and running, started eating healthy, cut back on sugar, tried meditation and yoga quite a lot, and although I've been feeling better than ever physically, nothing has really been changing for the better in my head like I thought it would.
-
Well, last Wednesday I discovered yourbrainonporn.com and Reboot Nation - and let's say that things have changed pretty dramatically for me. There's been a huge shift in my attitude. I think that getting educated on the issue, the way the addiction works, and especially the consequences porn addiction has on your life is necessary to really make the change - because I feel like I've been trying for years but never making it more than a few days, thinking the problem would somehow be solved if I could make it a week or two. I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences and your knowledge here, and I hope I can contribute something.
This last week has been interesting. My penis has shriveled away into almost nothing, as if it wants to hide. I'm not worried, because I know it works just fine, and I just need some time for my brain to process the change. I have not had a single strong urge to look for porn, even though I can feel it lurking deep down. Anxiety and tension in the body seems to be better, and social problems have been somewhat relieved. Today I was walking to work by myself and just smiling at others because I felt a sense of hope for what's coming. Talking to colleagues and even a crush of mine was way more effortless. I felt warmer and more secure. This is strange, because I was expecting some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms and difficult times for the first few weeks. I guess knowing and feeling that I'm on my way somewhere better is really giving me a lift, and I can't wait to see what my mental and state will be like in a few months.
Meanwhile, I will not be tempted. I will not make little snowballs and roll them downhill. I will remember the toll that this addiction has had on my life, and draw strength from knowing that things can only get better from here. I don't want to count days, because this change is final in my mind - although I will probably be checking in here periodically and probably do a count then.
I wanted to post here just to solidify my thoughts and maybe help others going through the same situation. Feel free to comment.
I'm 34 years old and and started using porn maybe 17 or 18 years ago. There was a sense of deep shame especially the first few years, but I think that I gradually came to accept that I was always going to continue using it, and the shame got less and less prominent and even turned to acceptance the last few years. Might be because I have an understanding that masturbation is fundamentally not wrong and is even a healthy thing to do, but I got the concept conflated with porn - which in itself is really worrying.
I think most times I used porn over the years, just after reaching orgasm I felt like never doing it again. I guess that's what they call clarity, and I should have been listening to that feeling. There's really nothing about porn that's actually compelling to me, if I just look away from the routine and automaticity of the act. I don't want to spend hours in the dark in front of a screen searching for the "right" moment. Moment for what? It's all just a waste of time and energy. There is nothing I get out of it. I've pretty much been stuck in a loop, triggered by the smallest thing at first, and ending in the same way every time. I've been a slave to this bullshit, and I'm not going to let it continue.
I should mention that I actually did manage to quit at some point, when getting into a relationship. I was pretty much a virgin back then at the age of 24, and I guess the relationship made it easier to live without porn - but without actually making the decision mindfully, I was completely unable to resist getting back into porn when we broke up a few years later and the loneliness set in.
-
The last three years I have been masturbating to porn sometimes every two or three days when trying to cut back and sometimes one or two times a day when indulging. This is in addition to the habit of scrolling through all kinds of content on social media like Instagram and Reddit, where the search often begins and ends up spiraling out of control. I started to notice weaker erections during this period - my erection did not match my horniness and I experienced delayed ejaculations and sometimes loss of erection. I have also been experiencing depression and social / general anxiety.
In this same period of time I started working out and running, started eating healthy, cut back on sugar, tried meditation and yoga quite a lot, and although I've been feeling better than ever physically, nothing has really been changing for the better in my head like I thought it would.
-
Well, last Wednesday I discovered yourbrainonporn.com and Reboot Nation - and let's say that things have changed pretty dramatically for me. There's been a huge shift in my attitude. I think that getting educated on the issue, the way the addiction works, and especially the consequences porn addiction has on your life is necessary to really make the change - because I feel like I've been trying for years but never making it more than a few days, thinking the problem would somehow be solved if I could make it a week or two. I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences and your knowledge here, and I hope I can contribute something.
This last week has been interesting. My penis has shriveled away into almost nothing, as if it wants to hide. I'm not worried, because I know it works just fine, and I just need some time for my brain to process the change. I have not had a single strong urge to look for porn, even though I can feel it lurking deep down. Anxiety and tension in the body seems to be better, and social problems have been somewhat relieved. Today I was walking to work by myself and just smiling at others because I felt a sense of hope for what's coming. Talking to colleagues and even a crush of mine was way more effortless. I felt warmer and more secure. This is strange, because I was expecting some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms and difficult times for the first few weeks. I guess knowing and feeling that I'm on my way somewhere better is really giving me a lift, and I can't wait to see what my mental and state will be like in a few months.
Meanwhile, I will not be tempted. I will not make little snowballs and roll them downhill. I will remember the toll that this addiction has had on my life, and draw strength from knowing that things can only get better from here. I don't want to count days, because this change is final in my mind - although I will probably be checking in here periodically and probably do a count then.
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