Lazarus

[FiveFortyFour]

Howdy folks! I'm 24 years old, turning 25 soon. My first memory with porn was when I saw it on a family PC when I was little (can't remember my age at the time.) After that, I was introduced to it again at ~11-12 years old by my father (magazines, soft-core websites). After that it sort of moved on to hentai and harder-core stuff as I aged, nothing overly aggressive, but porn is porn.

It's been an absolute mess since I started. I've never had sex or even been on a date, really. When I watch porn and/or wack off, it makes all sorts of gross, incel-y misogynistic crap run through my head, and the day after I do it I'm always pulled to this mental realm of "I'm always gonna be single, everyone looks down on me for it, porn is my only outlet" and all that mopey nonsense. I know with near-certainty that it's the PMO that's doing this. And all of that is to say nothing of the horror-show it's performed on my relationship with God.

My goal is simple: No PMO, no more. I once had a pretty long streak (by my standards) of three weeks, then a natural disaster knocked all our power out and I got so bored that I slipped. But during those three weeks, I felt like a dead man come alive again. I want that feeling back; I want that peace with my Father back. Hence the journal name. Going cold turkey may be particularly tough given my overnight schedule and the fact that I've done MO without P before, but I have hope. With all that said:

Day 1

Got my full 8 hours of sleep last night, feeling pretty stable. As of writing this, I haven't done any PMO. Feeling confident. I think the fact that I've been trying a 6-hour sleep schedule for the past few months has messed me up pretty bad, so I'm trying to get more sleep.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2

No P or O yesterday, lots of dirty thoughts throughout the day though. Some M while I was in bed and trying to fall asleep. It feels like that's one of the points during the day where I'm inundated with thoughts and don't have anything to really occupy my hands in the mean time. Don't really use my phone for P before bed often, but in the interest of this effort, I will start leaving it in another room. Will also try reading before bed, even if it's just a paragraph or two from a book.

I can do this. Another 7-8 hours of sleep!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 3

Was on twitter after work and saw some P, tabbed out and closed. Going to stop browsing on twitter, limit myself to profiles I know are SFW and non-risque.

Did some reading before bed and kept my phone in another room while I slept. Had thoughts and M, though less than the day before. Still working on keeping my head in check, maybe it will come with time?

Woke up, immediately more thoughts and more intense M. No P or O. Honestly kind of discouraging, though I'm not giving up.

Clocked my 8 hours of sleep, woo!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Evening (Relapse)

Update: Going to start posting here in the evening when I wake up and in the morning before bed (overnight worker)

Busy af day yesterday. 12 hour shift, on my 7th consecutive day of going in. Took a hot shower and MO'd when I got home. Hot showers are a bad trigger for me, I knew this going in. My brain was kinda just saying "Eff it" and I failed to muster the strength to fight back.

Didn't see any P yesterday as far as I can recall. All the images were in my head. Still managed to get my 8 hours of sleep and no phone in bedroom, thankfully.

One piece of encouraging news: Towards the start of yesterday I caught myself thinking some depressing stuff and realized that if I let myself go too far down in the dumps, it'd push me towards PMO, managed to put my mind in a brighter posture throughout the day. Small victories.

 

[Onmyway19]

Keep fighting. The 1st week and into the 2nd are often the toughest.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Morning

Day at work was nice and short this time. Had to wrestle with some licentious thoughts and some depressive moods today, but I came out breathing. I know this is at least influenced by the PMO. I won't be discouraged.

Thank you for the kind words, @Onmyway19 ! Hope your journey is going well!

 

[W4tchmak3r]

I like your positive outlook on things! You seem like a focused guy so you’ll definitely make some quick changes. Replacing the habit with long term, dedicated ambitions I think is very helpful (whatever that is, gym etc). Just curious, are you going without MO and why are doing so? I know a bunch of guys abstain from M or even any O during the “reboot”… I’m not personally in that camp but I’m just curious for what’s your experience and motives )
Hope you had a good week dude!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

I like your positive outlook on things! You seem like a focused guy so you’ll definitely make some quick changes. Replacing the habit with long term, dedicated ambitions I think is very helpful (whatever that is, gym etc). Just curious, are you going without MO and why are doing so? I know a bunch of guys abstain from M or even any O during the “reboot”… I’m not personally in that camp but I’m just curious for what’s your experience and motives )
Hope you had a good week dude!

Well, yes and no. The ideal is to get away from MO completely, though I do still struggle with it, especially before bed. In those minutes where all I'm supposed to do is be still and fall asleep, my mind just gets flooded with lustful thoughts that push me toward MO. I know I've had periods where that didn't happen, so maybe just weathering the storm is the only real way here.

As for why I want to cut out MO completely, the chief reason is because of my faith. It's my belief that the only divinely justified practice of coitus, sexual pleasure, orgasm and even carnal thinking is within the consecrated confines of marriage. While I know that I can't live that out perfectly (and no one has, does or will aside from my Lord) it seems like a good goal to move toward.

There are other, more secular reasons though. The dopamine rush keeps me up, makes me feel all spent and gross. The clean-up's a nuisance. The actual rebooting benefits of MO without P are, from what little I've read, questionable. Like, do you just MO without thinking about whatever gets your rocks off? I haven't managed it; the naked lady you see in your head is no less pornographic than the one you see on your phone.

I guess there's one last big reason that's more of a personal thing for me. Whenever I read about the benefits of kicking PMO, one that seems to consistently come up is "increased creativity". While I don't consider myself particularly talented at any of the arts, I do enjoy writing. I think un-frying my dopamine receptors and redirecting my horny-energy to plotting out stories would provide a real boost to my enjoyment of it, and to my self-esteem. Again, personal reason, but who knows, maybe it speaks to you or someone else.

Hope all that's heplful, mi amigo!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Evening (Relapse, again)

Another friggin' hot shower. I need a rule for these things. I don't end up MO-ing if I'm taking a hot shower before I go in to work. Any other time is a gamble on my willpower.

I've tried cold showers. They don't activate me quite so much. I'm thinking my rule could be this:
Is it a work day?YesIs it before work?YesHot shower is okay.
...................................................................
No?Cold shower...............................Cold shower.

Anyway, after I relapsed I took some time for self-reflection. I really need a way to get my idle mind under control while I'm going to bed. Maybe some kind of mental game, counting sheep, idk.

I also need a way to keep myself from doing M when I wake up. I use white noise to sleep, turning that off immediately when I wake up and flipping on the light switch might help me to at least drag myself out of bed.

It's been a long week. Maybe some lighter hours and fewer consecutive work days in the week to come will make all this easier to deal with. Wish me luck!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Morning

Had a good day today, for the most part. Saw/looked up some pictures that weren't super hardcore, but still highly activating. Felt like I was on the verge of plunging head-on into smut, but prayer and some breathing exercises held me back.

Holding it together.

 

[Arthacos]

You have a lot of endurance. I wonder how one can survive with just 7-8 hours of sleep. And taking cold washes with poor sleep is something cruel to do with yourself. Humans do have limited willpower and the prefrontal cortex is a muscle like any other (with limited resources). It's possible to reduce sexual desires with suffering, but it has a very high cost (I tried aggressive reboots in the past and they resulted into a progressive self harm until a total burnout). Sometimes it's not enough to suffer because addiction is driven by a feeling of helplessness. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

I wish you success.

 

[Light fetnos]

As i've read ur post, it seems that u dont have PIED, and u should be grateful for that, u MUST stop PMO before u get PIED, else u ill regret it, cuz if u get it, u ill experience flatline, whuch results in
Loss of emotions
Depression
Fatigue
Brain fog
Back pain
No libido
...
And a bunch of other symptomps.
My advice would be to cut porn all together and here's a trick ig
1. Download applock master from playstore( doesnt matter which applock u use, SO LONG AS IT HAS AN **DISABLE UNINSTALL** option)
2. Get into the app put a dummy password for now, it will prompt u for ur email incase u lose ur password, SKIP THAT, u must not have access to ur password at all cost
3. Go into the apps settings and disable *unlock app with fingerprint* and enable *prevent uninstalling*
*important* : problem is that even tho u put the disable installation option u can still uninstall it using ur phone's settings app. This is why we will lock that app using the AppLock master
*important 2* when u restart ur phone, the Applock will take some time before actually blocking access to the apps unless u put in the password and this take us to our 5th step
5. Change ur phone's password(keep ur fingerprint tho), but ur not the one whose going to change it, tell someone whom u trust to change it(someone u trust), this way if u rly wanna watch, u cant restart ur phone and quickly get into ur settings app and uninstall that app. Locking all doors of access.
6. Go back into the applock master and lock the settings App.
7. Put a LONG password of 1's and 0's that u ill forget, this way u cant access the settings app nor the applock anymore.
8. Enjoy, now when u have an urge, u can simply uninstall/disable ur browser app/whtvr has the stuff u wanna watch(as well as playstore cuz obv u can reinstall it afterwards if u dont), wait until the urge goes away, go ask the person who has the password to quickly reboot ur phone and put in the password, so that u can go into the settings app and uninstall the appLock and reinstall the browser or whtvr apps u uninstalled. After that u simply redo the process of downloading the app ect ect.
*important 3* playstore has an option where u can actually deactivate/uninstall apps from it, so disable it when u get an urge as well
Warning ur brain might trick u, so when u get an urge u gotta rush to blocking the apps, before things get worse and ur desires completely take over ur brain.
Note that if u have a computer u might wanna throw that away, UNLESS u actually work whnvr u use it, as i do, so i dont have to stress about watching it on pc.
It would also help if u actually stopped using socialmedia, i uninstalled Instagram and only go into it through chrome on my phone, tbh i dont regret, i gained much more time and also reading books now, so yeh, make some progress in ur life ig

Now again, i repeat, u wanna avoid getting PIED, else trust me, ur gonna suffer...a lot

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Interesting, I appreciate the response bro! Admittedly I have a pretty different perspective, but I don't wanna clog up your journal seeing as it's getting pretty hot so just feel free to pm me if you wanna chat more

I know your question was rhetorical, but, for me, my imagination is very different to watching P. The naked lady in my head is linked to a real person that I apprecaite and love, or, when I was single, to people that I wanted to pursue real relationships and/or intimacy with. It's a problem if its stopping you from seeking out those real things, but for me I use it to help appreciate the things I love about sex, whoever that's with. The woman in my head isn't part of a high-speed power-hungry industry looking to monetize my sex drive so I never leave my room, thats for sure lmao.

Had a good day today, for the most part. Saw/looked up some pictures that weren't super hardcore, but still highly activating. Felt like I was on the verge of plunging head-on into smut, but prayer and some breathing exercises held me back.

Yeah I've always crashed pretty soon after 'dabbling' or just 'screwing around' like this, if not immediately after than within the next few days by just getting really strong cravings for P. I think its handy to think of P kinda like alcohol, if you were an alcoholic. You wouldn't just go and sit in bars, or taste booze but not swallow cuz it wouldn't do any good, you'd be going crazy for it later for no good reason! Just something that has been helping me out recently Nice work on the prayer/meditation though!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

You have a lot of endurance. I wonder how one can survive with just 7-8 hours of sleep. And taking cold washes with poor sleep is something cruel to do with yourself. Humans do have limited willpower and the prefrontal cortex is a muscle like any other (with limited resources). It's possible to reduce sexual desires with suffering, but it has a very high cost (I tried aggressive reboots in the past and they resulted into a progressive self harm until a total burnout). Sometimes it's not enough to suffer because addiction is driven by a feeling of helplessness. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

I wish you success.

Thing about the cold showers is, they're not meant to be self-punishment. I do them because hot showers can throw my libido out of wack (don't ask) and also because, for 30-60 seconds of being really cold, my body goes into warm-up mode and I feel all nice and fuzzy for like an hour or two. I think of it as a discipline-building exercise and a reward at the same time, if that makes sense.

And 7-8 hours beats the crap out of the 5-6 I was putting myself through before, lol. For the kind of schedule I keep, it's actually a pretty good portion. Any longer and I actually find myself more tempted to MO because then I'm just lying sleeplessly in bed for the most part. Or at the very least I get anxious. Anyway, I appreciate the compassion and the Bible verse, friend. Good luck to you too!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Interesting, I appreciate the response bro! Admittedly I have a pretty different perspective, but I don't wanna clog up your journal seeing as it's getting pretty hot so just feel free to pm me if you wanna chat more

I know your question was rhetorical, but, for me, my imagination is very different to watching P. The naked lady in my head is linked to a real person that I apprecaite and love, or, when I was single, to people that I wanted to pursue real relationships and/or intimacy with. It's a problem if its stopping you from seeking out those real things, but for me I use it to help appreciate the things I love about sex, whoever that's with. The woman in my head isn't part of a high-speed power-hungry industry looking to monetize my sex drive so I never leave my room, thats for sure lmao.


Yeah I've always crashed pretty soon after 'dabbling' or just 'screwing around' like this, if not immediately after than within the next few days by just getting really strong cravings for P. I think its handy to think of P kinda like alcohol, if you were an alcoholic. You wouldn't just go and sit in bars, or taste booze but not swallow cuz it wouldn't do any good, you'd be going crazy for it later for no good reason! Just something that has been helping me out recently Nice work on the prayer/meditation though!

Appreciate your open-mindedness, friend! I'll admit, even in all my stodginess I'd probably make an exception if the naked lady in my mind was my wife, but it's not my judgment call to make for anyone else lol.

Thank you for commiserating. Getting past the first few days/weeks of a reboot without accidents and slip-ups like this is pretty rugged work. It's actually gotten me into the habit of checking here kinda regularly; the PIED horror stories usually scare the horny right outta me. And the success stories give me motivation to strive on, if that first one sounds self-punishing.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2, Morning

Will be covering events since I woke up at evening since I didn't post then.

Woke up, 7 hours of sleep (busy morning yesterday). No PMO, some lustful thoughts. Got out of bed and had a nice cold shower. Living situation has changed so that now I have a bit more privacy. Will continue to post on here regularly for accountability. Had lots of thoughts throughout the day, managed to keep myself busy with walks and cooking. It was my night off, urges are always worst on weekends.

Did some reading and actually was able to occupy my mind for a bit. Also developed a new mental trick for when I'm wrestling with urges. I recently got into shooting, and I tried out a shotgun for the first time the other day. If I need a good sort of bang to clear my head, I think of how it felt to fire it and it sort of quiets my mind a bit.

So far so good. I'm feeling a bit more confident about this go-around.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 3, Evening

Had a time of it trying to go to sleep today. Was up for hours edging. No P or O. Ended up pushing back my alarm clock. Not sure when I finally fell asleep, but I did.

There's a part of me, even right now, that says I should just give up, watch some smut, and reset the counter. I don't believe that part of me. I'm going to do my best today. If I have thoughts, I'm hoing to use the "shotgun" method I mentioned a few posts ago.

 

[ActivistNotWacktivist]

There's a part of me, even right now, that says I should just give up, watch some smut, and reset the counter. I don't believe that part of me. I'm going to do my best today. If I have thoughts, I'm hoing to use the "shotgun" method I mentioned a few posts ago.

That part of you will never be satisfied. Resetting the counter once isn't enough; it'll do its damnedest to send you down an awful path. Your shotgun strategy is interesting, I hope that it works well for you

I've never had sex or even been on a date, really. When I watch porn and/or wack off, it makes all sorts of gross, incel-y misogynistic crap run through my head, and the day after I do it I'm always pulled to this mental realm of "I'm always gonna be single, everyone looks down on me for it, porn is my only outlet" and all that mopey nonsense. I know with near-certainty that it's the PMO that's doing this.

I've felt similar mentalities before in my own porn-consuming days, and I'm still in that same inexperience boat too. I live for the day that I finally reach land

 

[Phineas 808]

If I have thoughts, I'm hoing to use the "shotgun" method I mentioned a few posts ago.

Hi, 544. The shotgun method does sound interesting. Maybe it's different, but it reminded me of my early twenties when MO was my only struggle. Whenever I would be tempted, particularly with fantasies, I would imagine the character in the fantasy being shot, thrust through, or cast into hell, and that would end that.

P.S., I don't think this about people, lol..., just the fantasized characters that would drag me down...

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Whenever I would be tempted, particularly with fantasies, I would imagine the character in the fantasy being shot, thrust through, or cast into hell, and that would end that.

Messed up as it sounds, I also do this sometimes. It's definitely a wild left turn from wherever my brain is usually steering me. It works, lol.

Anyway, Day 3, Morning

So far, no PMO today. Urges at normal levels, about to go to bed. Was really depressed today. Or rather, I found it really easy to think depressing thoughts about what my friends thought of me, or think up negative scenarios and "live them out" until they hit me emotionally as if they had happened. Pretty sure that was due to lack of sleep and all the M from the day before. Otherwise, those thoughts might still come up, but I would have the energy to stave them off.

Regardless, it was a good day. A short day, but a good day.