Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Guess I'll dust this old thing off again. Been a minute. I've relapsed into daily MO with occasional P. I'm also in the process of dumping an MMO that I was putting way too much time and energy into; need to really focus on other things like self-building and being around my (frankly far superior) real-life friends.

Day 1
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

Long shift today. Been listening to John's gospel, thinking about friends I've made who I've helped grow spiritually. Not like I really deserve the right, but it helps remind me of who I am and why this thing I'm doing isn't me. As of writing this, no PMO today. Haven't looked at twitter in nearly a week. It's been somewhat helpful in preventing triggers. Still have to avoid showers unless I'm specifically doing them to get clean/ready for the day.

I don't want to disappear for several months and slip back into bad habits again. I want to be free.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

Slightly easier day. Listened to Galatians today. Brain fog was a bit heavier, but that may have been fatigue left over from yesterday. Feeling a little confident today. Hoping that I'll sleep just fine.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

Had the day off. Set a strict timer for how much gaming I do; kept to it. Did my portion of Bible reading today. Shared some info about my faith with a friend; that was fun. Wish I'd made time to cook or write rather than watch youtube. About to take my dog on a walk; should do me some good.

Saw some really weird P while looking up moths on google images; closed out immediately. A little anxious that just that little seed can grow into a problem down the line, but I'm keeping my eyes open all around me and having faith that I'll prevail. No M or O for the last three days. Joy coming in spurts. It's a familiar change after all the relapses over the years, but a welcome one.

Gonna make this one count.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Had to do a bit of wrestling with my own insecurity today; pushed me toward pornographic thoughts/premeditation. However, while working, I took a mental stop to pray and lay my issues out in front of me. I was tired from work, a little angry at the workload (a bunch of our crew was out) and frustrated and a little ashamed of my current station in life. After figuring these heart postures out, I worked patiently through them until I felt my anxiety die down. After that, I had a nice boost of energy. Also checked in with a brother in Christ who shares a similar PMO issue; we shared encouragement to stay in the battle and not lose hope.

This is my longest streak in over a week. Wish me well; if I can surpass 7 days, I'll be on the longest streak in over a year.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

Sexual thoughts are getting more vivid when they occur. Body and brain might be starting to reactivate. Still, keeping to routines and schedules is helping me process the weight. Tomorrow is church and also a friend's birthday; should help revitalize me. Some M in bed last night; stopped myself as quickly as I could. Not proud of it. Angry. Not at myself; at temptation. I hate this habit and everything about it.

Not giving up.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 6

Sundays are usually weird for me. I know this is probably about to read like superstitious gobbledigook, but I really believe that the devil likes to trouble my mind on Sunday mornings in particular to wear me out before church. This Sunday was different. Negative thoughts would enter my head, sure, but they were noticeably easier to wrestle with and talk down today. Sexual thoughts have been easier to keep under control and not quite as prevalent.

Been listening to a lot of Christian rock for music lately; been keeping me energized at work. Overall, feeling good. Feeling confident even. Had a deacon pray over me for steadfast endurance today. Boy, but was there power in it. Wish me well, lads.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7 (🥳)

First week is nearly said and done. Seems like cutting out twitter and getting into the habit of making and keeping to-do lists has been a real game-changer. Brain's a little foggy today, but that may have more to do with me going to bed late and waking up early yesterday. Still, feels good. If I make it to tomorrow, it will be a fine milestone to start this reboot on.

I'm not glad for the reasons that lead me back here, but I'm glad I came back nonetheless.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 8

Bit of an odd day. Not bad, but odd. I haven't been this far into the rebooting process since the start of 2021, and it's starting to bring back some memories.

For one, it was kind of hard to find an emotional high for the day. I think I was a little more irritable than usual today, and I didn't find myself laughing or feeling elated as much as usual. I did have a slight headache toward the end of the day. Not sure how much of this is related to PMO or the reboot, but I'm going to keep an eye on it. I do remember at one point during a reboot hitting a low so deep that I had to email a friend for advice because I felt like my life was incomplete without sexual gratification. Hoping that doesn't become the case.

I also now recall what caused me to relapse during my longest reboot streak of about 3 weeks. I remember getting all puffed up because of how long my streak had gone and decided to fantasize about fornication to see if I could get myself fully hard from thoughts. Then a storm came through and knocked out all our power for the night; all I could do was lay in bed and try to hold back my body's hungers. I didn't make it. After that, I went another week and a half before my next relapse, and fell into old patterns from there.

Hopefully what I learned then can be of good use now. I'd rather not go another 2 years of hell to get to my next semi-successful reboot. Which means that I hope and I'll fight to keep this from only being a semi-successful reboot.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Yep. I've gotten puffed up a few times and it's always led to disaster. You'll know it quietly and deeper down when porn has lost it's appeal I suspect.

I experience the same thing with mood too - a few weeks in I am cranky and down. Low energy. People around me notice. The good thing is if you make it through that a deeper happiness starts to be able to come through :)
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 9

Rough going today. Had to get up early. Hung out with my friends at small group before work. It helped, but over the course of the night I said a few things out of my reboot-related irritation that I figure I should apologize for. Nothing dramatic, just things that I know were insensitive.

Honestly, that's something I'd like to work on while the iron is hot. Sensitivity. Gentleness. Being kind even when my mood ain't right. Don't know if that makes me sound like a sissy, but there it is. Something to pray over, and prayer is like oil for this whole operation of rebooting.

Worth noting that I very nearly M'd yesterday. Was in bed and, foolishly, I thought up some things that got me going. Managed to ride it out, thankfully. But that's yesterday. I'm still in this fight.

My mind is aching for things that I know will trigger a relapse right now. Gonna walk my dog, get some sunlight and serotonin.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 10

Finally hitting the double digits. Feels good, man. I am noticing some increased sensitivity to visual stimulation. The soldier's a little more eager to stand at attention. A good sign, but a double-edged sword. Had to really work through some temptations today.

I had the day off today. Admittedly, that meant more time to be tempted, but I still feel well-rested. Some of that crankiness I've been complaining about is starting to go away. Not sure if it's reboot-related, but the days are starting to seem longer. Feels like longer than 25 hours since I posted my last message. Not going to call that bad or good as of yet.

A shift is happening in me. I can feel it. I just need to keep my good routines, keep trusting God, and I know I'll beat a path through this thing.
 
arandomguy

arandomguy

Member
FiveFortyFour said:
Day 10

Finally hitting the double digits. Feels good, man. I am noticing some increased sensitivity to visual stimulation. The soldier's a little more eager to stand at attention. A good sign, but a double-edged sword. Had to really work through some temptations today.

I had the day off today. Admittedly, that meant more time to be tempted, but I still feel well-rested. Some of that crankiness I've been complaining about is starting to go away. Not sure if it's reboot-related, but the days are starting to seem longer. Feels like longer than 25 hours since I posted my last message. Not going to call that bad or good as of yet.

A shift is happening in me. I can feel it. I just need to keep my good routines, keep trusting God, and I know I'll beat a path through this thing.
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Great stuff Mr. Gamgee. Keep it up, and above all, keep trusting in Him.
 
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