Thanks Shade, unfortunately that strength did not hold up and I PMOed twice. Today is once again Day 0.
I will be honest, there was a part of me that didn't want to post tonight out of a sense shame & hurt pride.
Regardless, here I am once again. It's at this point of the week almost like clockwork that, after all the high talk and good habits of the week, things kind of just fall apart and I once again begin the process of post-lapse process of restarting, saying to myself and you all 'well this time it's going to be different'
One could say that as the one who is ultimately in control, my continual end-of-working-week PMO lapse means that i'm either not capable of change or simply kidding myself and I am unwilling to change. I don't believe either of these things are the case but I am still ultimately responsible & need to hold myself accountable for this.
So there's a clear weekly pattern here. Make it through the working week focused & staying clean ----> 'Letting go' at the end of the week with alcohol and/or PMO ---> Restart & recommit the next day ---> Repeat.
I have considered even taking a weekend to get away out of the house for the weekend away from the computer. The problem with this being that once back, the same pattern will merely repeat but a week later as it has in the past. My lapses from my old journal seem to be predictably at the end of a week. Either around day 7, 14, 19, or at most 28 or 29. This is what I need to break.
So clearly there's a ritual I need to change around the end of the working week/start of the working weekend. What are the habits that make the sum of this ritual? What need is this ritual fulfilling? How can I find a better way to do so without falling in a heap at the end of every working week? I need to think about this
I will be honest, there was a part of me that didn't want to post tonight out of a sense shame & hurt pride.
Regardless, here I am once again. It's at this point of the week almost like clockwork that, after all the high talk and good habits of the week, things kind of just fall apart and I once again begin the process of post-lapse process of restarting, saying to myself and you all 'well this time it's going to be different'
One could say that as the one who is ultimately in control, my continual end-of-working-week PMO lapse means that i'm either not capable of change or simply kidding myself and I am unwilling to change. I don't believe either of these things are the case but I am still ultimately responsible & need to hold myself accountable for this.
So there's a clear weekly pattern here. Make it through the working week focused & staying clean ----> 'Letting go' at the end of the week with alcohol and/or PMO ---> Restart & recommit the next day ---> Repeat.
I have considered even taking a weekend to get away out of the house for the weekend away from the computer. The problem with this being that once back, the same pattern will merely repeat but a week later as it has in the past. My lapses from my old journal seem to be predictably at the end of a week. Either around day 7, 14, 19, or at most 28 or 29. This is what I need to break.
So clearly there's a ritual I need to change around the end of the working week/start of the working weekend. What are the habits that make the sum of this ritual? What need is this ritual fulfilling? How can I find a better way to do so without falling in a heap at the end of every working week? I need to think about this