Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @GBS, so sorry to hear about this continuing frustration with the lack of physical intimacy from your wife. As a man I can completely understand your frustrations (not only sexually but emotionally) and how this would make you feel on a long term basis, no matter the wrongs you've done looking at porn. That being said, I wouldn't even try to act like I know how she feels, so I won't even go there. She's obviously not there yet, which would imply she needs more time or some kind of therapy (or both) to get to a place of trust again - all understandable things. I didn't have this problem in my relationship (maybe because she didn't think it was cheating? I'm not quite sure) so I feel I don't have any real wisdom or advice to give you here.

But whatever you do, hold tight and know you're now the kind of man who can handle it, no matter what may come in the future.

Best to you sir.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks

@Gracie - useful perspective. My wife is not a true tactile person, or not by nature. That said she loves hand holding. But I think the fact remains she’s not into it. I obviously am. I do really appreciate your words. You’re not slapping me in the face,you’re just saying this is a difficult area period. I needed the woman’s vie.

@Sammyjo - thanks for your amazing support. Joint therapy is a no at the moment. It was discussed but I got a “not yet”, also my therapist said she reckons it’s way too early. My wife says she has a knot inside her and it tightens when she thinks of me touching her. She has said unequivocally that it is not about attraction…she says I am very handsome and attractive….but she just can’t unpick the threads in the knot. Book reading together proved good initially then it came too hard for her. We got halfway through Love you, hate the porn before she couldn’t bear the pain of the daily reminder….then it was every other day…then I realised I was stabbing her effectively so I stopped it. Hold me Tight has been recommended before but we haven’t bought it yet. Maybe that wouldn’t hurt so much.

I think I use RN too much to vent my frustration. Up to a point that’s what it’s for I guess, but that isn’t quintessentially my style in life. I am very even handed. My wife is suffering- that’s plain to see. The fact that she just can’t get there yet is just part of who she is. The fact that that demands patience from me is just that…..a fact. You lot pat me on the back and hold me up as a hero….and I thank you all for that, because it really helps….but the -lain fact is I just need to be a good, patient man. Nothing above what an ordinary man should be able to do. Thanks so much guys.

@Blondie - love you, man. Wish I could share a beer. You even bothered to write when you admitted you had no real advice. Off the charts friendship….stellar.

Meanwhile with my renewed vigour, we have…..

224 days no PMO
72 days no ejaculation - don’t want to sound like a seedy old man, but morning glory today was unbelievable. Impressive. Not showing off just a journal note that it’s possibly never been like that before. I know it’s resting blood flow rather than sexual prowess, but we have potential here. Had to force it downwards to pee…..what emoji shall I go for…..errr…how about 🙃
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
What I see is that you will NEVER go back to the person you were 224 days ago. No matter what happens. You could stop counting days if you wanted because eventually it'll just be the rest of your life... That's inspiring! And having that knowledge can carry you to new heights every day! Enjoy who you've become through this journey :)
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @SimonM - I hope you're right. I never want to be what I was like (certainly the me at my worst, horrible) - thanks for your support - you inspire me my friend.

@Blondie - if you ever do actually come over to England, we shall meet up. I mean it. Get on a plane. I'll pick you up from Heathrow!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
225 days no porn
73 days total hard mode

Going to have discussion with therapist today about the relationship conundrum of insecure anxious (me) and insecure avoidant (Mrs GBS) being trouble. In other words, my anxieties and behavioural traits that stem from that (people pleasing etc) make my wife more distant which is an avoidant trait. That makes me more anxious and more a people pleaser and round and round we jolly well go. Caution will be used if I broach this subject with wife.

73 days. Just two and a half weeks to go to the magic 90. Will I then celebrate with a wank? Almost certainly not. Slightly interested to see how long I can go. It isn’t masochistic, but sometimes it feels like I am slightly torturing myself. Anyone else done hard mode 90 days and kept going?
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
All great stuff! Total hard mode is like a Wim Hof immortality staff. Much respect.

I hope you can find a way forward with the conundrum. I find that my partner and I often go round in circles in a similar fashion triggering each other's anxieties and stress points.
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
226 days no porn
74 days hard mode

All ok here. Just a normal day of ecstasy and torture yesterday. Same old, same old….

I had a call from an SAA meeting colleague yesterday who basically said (I am cutting a 15 minute conversation down here) that I (me) don’t count as an addict in his book. As I was watching porn about 3/4 days a week and only for 20 minutes at a time - I had told him this - he says it doesn’t really count and my healing is easier. It’s ok readers I didn’t blow my top, but I was offended. I revealed to him that my fantasy world was big but he scoffed at that too. He wasn’t being rude, in fact he was making a joke of it, but it annoyed me.

I am over it. Fear ye not.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
That's a bit odd, I mean nobody ends up in these meetings for the free tea. Oh well, everyone's got opinions and you know how hard you are working to try to fix the consequences in your marriage. I often don't know what to say about your relationships struggles but admire the way you fight for it, am rooting for you, and have faith it will improve for you.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Nico . I really appreciate your support. I think my SAA colleague was making a bit of a joke of it really. I think he was just hiding his own struggles and thinking life isn’t fair if I am not struggling like he is. I did say that I had struggles and they’re just different because we are all different. He still scoffed. As I say I am over it. Not over stressing this at all. Or trying not to.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Sometimes people joke about stuff without realising the gravity of the situation someone is in. It might not have been on purpose, but I understand that it can be tough to hear something like that, because it trivialises your struggle which is obviously very real to you.

The best you can do is to control the way you meet someone like that, because you can’t control what people say. Looks like you’re doing a good job of that, everybody’s struggle is going to be different like you say.

Keep fighting, we’re with you!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @downhillfromhere - I think I am mentioning this not to get sympathy, but to emphasise that addiction comes in all shapes and sizes and we just don’t know the slightly grim details of what we each did. So we just can’t truly know what we each are most struggling with, but all do all share the one united goal.

Thanks again
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
There's nothing like a struggle topper!

You're doing great @GBS, and everyone is right in their comments about that. We ALL come from different backgrounds and reasons for why we're here, and no one is more important or their struggle greater than anyone else. It was kind of a pointless comment, because none of this is a competition - as you said.

Keep fighting for England brother!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie and @Blondie - I think the SAA meetings I have attended have by and large been really excellent. The very first one I went to (in a different place to the one I am at now) was extraordinary and I came back and told my wife that I was disturbed and upset. I think I said something like - wow, I had no idea....I felt like I wasn't the same as most of the people there. I was of course in danger of comparing a lot. Some of the shares were eye opening. This does NOT mean that I am not struggling, nor did it mean that I was in the wrong place. But it did make me think that the struggles are certainly different.

The current group I am in also includes people from every walk of life and our stories are different but some are possibly closer to mine albeit I feel a bit of a fool for saying that...just people whose struggles I could more easily identify with. I have found, although I am a bit of a new boy, that I can help others and I do make phone calls and am good at holding people up and giving them little recovery tips. I thank RN for that skill. I don't get any advice from the SAA group for my own struggles - I get all that on RN!! I really do. Oh...my therapist too. But RN is truly a life blood.

That's because of you guys - I cannot list you all because someone would be left off and that isn't fair. There will also be people reading this who won't or never comment (which is obviously just fine) and if you guys take any comfort from reading my drivel then I get vicarious pleasure from that too.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
227 days no porn
75 days total hard mode

Getting to the point where writing a word like “hard” mildly triggers my desire to empty the steel balls, but I will resist. After a while with this experiment (hard mode that is) you can easily fight off urges to masturbate. It’s now a learned habit, and as I am 2 and a half months celibate it feels like I can do more. I have no idea what the advice is from a medical or mental perspective.

That said, and unless you think I have mislaid the marbles, my libido is sky high. Just incredible. And that creates the mental pain. But we shall carry on.

Oh……fuck porn. I haven’t said that for a while and it feels good to do so.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
228 days no PMO
76 days hard mode

Really good day yesterday. I think @Beautiful1973 and others were discussing love languages. I did the/a test and came out predictably as a Touch and words person. I did mine for my wife (I could have asked her but it stirs the pot sometimes) and she was acts of service.

So I did acts of service yesterday….and …..hey…bingo…..she’s in a good mood. Didn’t exactly take her top off and do a strip tease, but she was more tactile as a result.

By this rate a lot of shit is going to get done, that’s for sure.
 
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