Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[Androg]

511 days
63 monk

Libido was so high yesterday. I also had morning glory today which was almost painful from a sense of bursting. We also went swimming yesterday. That didn’t help the raging lust. I know this’ll make me sound like a pervert but my wife in a swimming costume almost feels like I am looking at porn subs. I know it’s ok and probably very good, but it left me feeling deeply deeply unsatisfied.

This is fine. She’s dealing with the aftermath of a tragic event so I must just endure. This I have experience of.

Do you think you could suggest that you two hold each other for a few moments before falling asleep?

 

[GBS]

Thanks for the suggestion @Androg . For a second I thought I could get away with lying, but honour prevents me.

The truth :

1. I am too scared of rejection and because things are otherwise going so well, going back a few steps right now seems like a tactical error
2. Whilst she isn’t in mourning with a capital M, her mother’s passing was just 5 days ago, and she is just talking almost constantly about that and her brothers coping and not coping. Being a good listener I think is best.

 

[Androg]

No doubt you're right. *sigh* When she does let you comfort her, you may want to surprise her by just comforting her. No sex at first. That way she will trust your selflessness...and her subconscious may tend to relax its guard.

 

[GBS]

Again thanks @Androg - what she possibly/probably doesn’t know is that this is not about ejaculation at all. It always used to be, but 17 months of recovery has taught me so much. Honestly I can get an erection these days just by imagining her breathing very slightly heavily. Sheesh there it goes again. Wigwam in my boxers!

And the count is 512 days and 64 monk

64 monk is a journey on its own. It can, at times, completely dominate one’s thoughts. However good one is at making distractions and hobbies and getting shit done, there’s always down time. Down time can sometimes be controlled and sometimes not. Then it’s the brain again. Doesn’t (thankfully) say “go and watch porn”, but it does say “wow, look at her legs….go on …..look at her crotch…go on…you want to”. The holiest monk doesn’t have my wife walking around in front of him, so he has it easier.

Crazy, but I enjoy the pain.

 

[GBS]

513 days porn free
65 monk mode

Just a hard day yesterday for different reasons. Made me feel a bit like something would comfort me, but that something isn’t something that happens, so I just coped. It is hard being this person sometimes. I desperately want to complain and say it’s just not fair. But the timing would be phenomenally poor and I know that bleating about lack of intimacy has basically got me nowhere on the previous times I have brought it up.

We persevere. My wife has a therapy session on Monday. See what comes of that.

 

[GBS]

514 days
66 monk

Several people, I think me included, have said during recovery that there comes a time when you stop mentally undressing women, and you just see their faces and admire their beauty. I have definitely been in this place for a while. But monk mode pushes this to its limits. It’s like my brain is saying - “I thought we were being good these days, why are you fucking with me?” It’s an internal battle. It’s not easy.

Fast approaching 17 months clean. It feels good. There have been a few days recently when I felt down about the zero intimacy, but I do pick myself up. Two ways to do that: one good, the other depressing. Good = why would she talk so optimistically about where we’ll be in 10 years time if she didn’t think we were going back to a “normal“ relationship, and indeed why am I having to be 100% accountable if she didn’t want me back sexually ? Depressing = I can cope really very well if she pulled the plug. Really very well.

 

[Androg]

514 days
66 monk

Several people, I think me included, have said during recovery that there comes a time when you stop mentally undressing women, and you just see their faces and admire their beauty. I have definitely been in this place for a while. But monk mode pushes this to its limits. It’s like my brain is saying - “I thought we were being good these days, why are you fucking with me?” It’s an internal battle. It’s not easy.

Fast approaching 17 months clean. It feels good. There have been a few days recently when I felt down about the zero intimacy, but I do pick myself up. Two ways to do that: one good, the other depressing. Good = why would she talk so optimistically about where we’ll be in 10 years time if she didn’t think we were going back to a “normal“ relationship, and indeed why am I having to be 100% accountable if she didn’t want me back sexually ? Depressing = I can cope really very well if she pulled the plug. Really very well.

That all sounds very human. I hope you see some progress soon.

 

[GBS]

515 days
67 monk

May have to break the monk streak because it’s starting to run my life. Things are good here although my wife’s emotions are tied up in her less than functional US family. If I told you (which I shouldn’t really), you just wouldn’t believe me.

 

[Androg]

515 days
67 monk

May have to break the monk streak because it’s starting to run my life. Things are good here although my wife’s emotions are tied up in her less than functional US family. If I told you (which I shouldn’t really), you just wouldn’t believe me.

The silver lining is that once the estate is settled, there will be less need for contact with the dysfunctional family.

 

[GBS]

The silver lining is that once the estate is settled, there will be less need for contact with the dysfunctional family.

Sad but true @Androg , sad but true.

 

[GBS]

516 days

I released the tension yesterday and masturbated. Not such a feeling of guilt this time. It seems like just a wise thing to do. About half a pint, thanks for asking!

Wife is being super lovely. We delivered and put together a bed yesterday. Took both boys to assist. Nice family day out in the end.

Wife had therapy session earlier. Said it was very good and rubbed my back. Who knows? I have been here a lot of times. It’s exactly 17 months of sobriety for me. I am due some progress that is tangible.

Here’s a thing. Back in my bad days when I would masturbate much more frequently, after I’d done it my penis would be on strike certainly for the rest of the day and often for a couple of days following. A shrunken shrivelled shameful apology of a penis. Not surprisingly I can report that within hours (like 2 or 3) normal service had been resumed. Massive morning glory today. Podgy as an overweight schoolboy. Yay!

 

[Androg]

516 days

I released the tension yesterday and masturbated. Not such a feeling of guilt this time. It seems like just a wise thing to do. About half a pint, thanks for asking!

Wife is being super lovely. We delivered and put together a bed yesterday. Took both boys to assist. Nice family day out in the end.

Wife had therapy session earlier. Said it was very good and rubbed my back. Who knows? I have been here a lot of times. It’s exactly 17 months of sobriety for me. I am due some progress that is tangible.

Here’s a thing. Back in my bad days when I would masturbate much more frequently, after I’d done it my penis would be on strike certainly for the rest of the day and often for a couple of days following. A shrunken shrivelled shameful apology of a penis. Not surprisingly I can report that within hours (like 2 or 3) normal service had been resumed. Massive morning glory today. Podgy as an overweight schoolboy. Yay!

Sounds like you are healthy and ready for action! I hope your wife gets the memo!

 

[GBS]

517 days sober
1 monk

Thanks @Androg - yeah, the memo…..got to hope

Through doing a lot of reading on here, on the net, and weekly SAA meeting, it seems almost inviting danger to say I have kicked porn. In fact I would rather expect you to admonish me for daring to say it. But I am 61 years old so I think it’s slightly different for me. Control of masturbation is the one I need to crack. That has been the driver of my recovery.

I noticed early on that it was deeply painful but massively rewarding. Not masturbating I mean.

So my reboot is not complete but it’s getting close. The fight for me is dealing with the constant lack of intimacy. It’s so SO dangerous to go searching on the net for “sex starved husband” or “do men need affection” because you get dragged down into the deep well of self pity. What we need is confidence in what we have become. That I know is attainable.

My peace today comes from being less agitated (as I masturbated on Monday), and knowing I have virtually ensured I won’t watch porn again. BUT, and it’s a big but as you can see from the capital letters, any form of complacency would be a rookie mistake and a guy doing a main share at SAA last night who is 10 years clean, said he knows it’s always in the background. Scary.

We persevere.

 

[Jlied]

any form of complacency would be a rookie mistake and a guy doing a main share at SAA last night who is 10 years clean, said he knows it’s always in the background. Scary.

It’s interesting you should make this comment. As I’ve talked with you about before I’ve heard the porn induced rewiring of the brain as an old trail in the woods. The less you use it and give space in your mind the weeds, bushes, vines, and trees start to grow into that pathway, eventually positive habits and behaviors clear out their old paths and you start living a more balanced life. But any attention you start to give porn or fantasy starts to clear out that old overgrown pathway. The hinges that started closing it off start receding and the path to misery becomes easier to traverse and eventually you lose sight of the balanced life path you worked so hard to clear out.

his comment on it always being in the background is sobering but probably very true. Very few alcoholics can quit drinking for a time and then responsibly drink after that. I think the same will be true to us. There will be no casual porn use, it just can’t happen. We’re either all in or all out. I haven’t viewed porn in almost 2 years but was mildly triggered last week and even that had some lasting repercussions of old memories surfacing in my mind. I don’t like the thought of always being in guard from here on out, but I like the idea of being stuck with porn while losing everything else less.

in the words of the great and wise Geebs……”We Preserve”

 

[Androg]

Here's a new angle for her.

From new study: Shannon Shen & Hui Liu (2023) Is Sex Good for Your Brain? A National Longitudinal Study on Sexuality and Cognitive Function among Older Adults in the United States, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2023.2238257

Abstract
Objectives. Using a life course approach, we examine how sexuality is related to risk of cognitive impairment for partnered older adults.
Methods. We utilized longitudinal data from two rounds of the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project (NSHAP) to analyze 1,718 respondents. Cognition was categorized into three groups: normal, mild cognitive impairment, and dementia. We considered both sexual activity (i.e., being sexually active, sexual frequency) and sexual quality (i.e., physical pleasure, emotional satisfaction). We estimated cross-lagged models to test the potential reciprocal relationship between sexuality and cognitive impairment.
Results. Results from the total sample indicate that only emotional satisfaction with sex was related to later lower risk of cognitive impairment. Further tests by age group show that for adults aged 62-74, better sexual quality was related to a lower risk of cognitive impairment...

"Dear, you were right that emotional satisfaction is the most important aspect of sex. Surely we can find a middle ground. Our cognitive health may be at at stake."

 

[Blondie]

and knowing I have virtually ensured I won’t watch porn again. BUT, and it’s a big but as you can see from the capital letters, any form of complacency would be a rookie mistake and a guy doing a main share at SAA last night who is 10 years clean, said he knows it’s always in the background. Scary.

Yes this is the real deal. This fact use to make me sad, even depressed in some sense, like there was something perpetually "wrong" with me and it would always be that way, but now I know better. I've found this out after screwing up after that big relapse years ago, that it takes less energy to be on your guard daily, than it ever would after having a big relapse and starting all over again. Obviously, we don't completely start over again, but you all get my meaning.

There's definitely a big difference of being proud of what you've achieved in your recovery AND becoming proud and complacent in your recovery. We would all be wise to learn to differentiate that difference between the two, so as to enjoy ourselves and our freedom while being ever cautious all the same.

There's no such thing as "freedom" without responsibility. Not to sound all America! on you @GBS.

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Jlied - it’s as if you’ve never been away

On @Ezel ’s string recently he’s been providing quotes I think from NoFap recovering addicts. One caught my eye the other day where this guy said he was certain he had kicked the porn habit but was now working out his masturbation and fantasy habits. It caught my eye because I identified with it. He was saying porn was seemingly no problem but he wasn’t dealing with his fantasy world so well. I suppose I thought, yeah that’s me….don’t worry. I haven’t been kidnapped….this is me here. What I guess I would say is that porn will always be there. I can’t stop it from being there, but I am utterly convinced I ain’t going to watch it ever again.

@Androg - now that’s interesting. If I thought my wife would read it and say “meet you upstairs in 5” I would show it to her. Need I say more?

And @Blondie

This fact use to make me sad, even depressed in some sense, like there was something perpetually "wrong" with me and it would always be that way, but now I know better.

Me too. I don’t like being branded a “sex addict” and/or a ”porn addict”, it intuitively makes me feel of lower worth. And that lower worth got me here in the first place coincidentally. So getting a grip on who I am allows me to accept that I am a sex addict . If people want to pour scorn on that now I am in recovery, then shame on those people. They will not destroy me. We shall overcome.

Thanks to you three. The three musketeers. Heroes all three of you. J - I know you’re 2 years clean, Blondie is approaching 2 years, how about you Droggers, give us a quick recap on your recovery if that’s not too invasive of me.

 

[GBS]

519 days sober
3 monk mode

Had discussion with therapist about masturbation in my situation. She asked why I was so against and I explained that I thought it could be a slippery slope back to more obsessive masturbation but the key thing was that not masturbating gave me strength and a feeling of masculinity and power after about 10 days. That feeling lasts but it increases. However there comes a time when frustration totally dominates the mind. I said I often (now) felt guilt after masturbating and it actually took away libido.

She was pretty unequivocal that masturbation is fine and I shouldn’t be quite so tough on myself. But of course the kicker is …try and do mindful masturbation. About once a month appears to be the suggestion. Not sure about this all. She said it was commendable that I was abstinent and that so many of her clients give up porn but don’t give up masturbation and when she says to them - you have to give that up - that’s when the trouble starts. No shit. Shrug.

Things quiet at home.

 

[Androg]

519 days sober
3 monk mode

Had discussion with therapist about masturbation in my situation. She asked why I was so against and I explained that I thought it could be a slippery slope back to more obsessive masturbation but the key thing was that not masturbating gave me strength and a feeling of masculinity and power after about 10 days. That feeling lasts but it increases. However there comes a time when frustration totally dominates the mind. I said I often (now) felt guilt after masturbating and it actually took away libido.

She was pretty unequivocal that masturbation is fine and I shouldn’t be quite so tough on myself. But of course the kicker is …try and do mindful masturbation. About once a month appears to be the suggestion. Not sure about this all. She said it was commendable that I was abstinent and that so many of her clients give up porn but don’t give up masturbation and when she says to them - you have to give that up - that’s when the trouble starts. No shit. Shrug.

Things quiet at home.

That is a tough conundrum, but follow your own inner wisdom. Also follow her wisdom, about the uselessness of guilt.

 

[GBS]

521 days
5 monk

Had discussion with wife about stagnant state of affairs. I declared I was in a very good place psychologically and had boundless patience but there was a sense of “will this ever change”. And I asked if there was a secret that she needed to tell me. I could cope I said.

She said she just hadn’t given much of her resources over the last two months because of her dying mum. I risked it and said that I thought she was happy where she was and taking a leap of faith and potentially upsetting herself was counterintuitive. She sort of agreed. Said in the past that sex with me had made her sad, not because she didn’t like it but because of who I was. So she says she fears if we go back to intimacy she’ll feel sad again or tge memories of feeling sad will come back.

But she said she will devote some of her resources to this very soon. I think she needs a therapist to help her. Ooh….she has one. Eeeek.