202 days free from porn, and 50 days no MO….and for clarity that is 7 weeks and 1 day where I have not ejaculated.
This whole subject is in our heads. Obviously. We can lie about whether we still fantasise, we can lie about whether we relapse, we can lie about how easy or difficult it is. But there’s just no point lying. None at all. I lied to myself for years. Some of it was cognitive distortion i.e. watching porn is fine because all men do it….and other distortions of course. How I feel today I may as well tell you and not dress it up. It’s the beauty of RN actually, but it’s also part of recovery.
I am struggling. Not with my own resolve which is still steadfast. But I am a good man, I love myself for the first time in years, I adore my wife, I do (almost all) the cooking, I do not drown my wife in trying too hard, and we do stuff together. I have lost a stone in weight. I am helping out, at her suggestion with my son’s basketball team. I go to church. I sing and compose. I make the bed every morning and I do the washing up about half the time. I ferry the kids too and fro. I am not exact George Clooney but I am not the back end of a no 9 bus either. Some people even laugh at my jokes.
So how come my wife won’t let me see her naked? It’s ok ladies, I know the answer. It is just incredibly hard (no pun, promise) to cope with. Being told that it takes a year or more for a partner to get over it, or that I caused it so I have to suck it up….doesn’t help. They may be facts but it still doesn’t actually help. I have retired to my bedroom to get myself calm because I am not. This is killing me. A part of me thinks that she struggles with recovery and is just waiting for it all to drop off her shoulders. She doesn’t seem to want additional affection. She doesn’t talk to anyone about all of this except her therapist (once every three weeks). I know she wants to move on, but I think it’s so painful because actively facing the issues is too hard for her.
You can see my problem
GBS which used to stand for Getting Better Slowly but could now be Great Balls of Steel! Sheesh they’re hard!