Battle Journal
- Thread starter Skittelz
- Start date
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 16 no porn
Day 9 no smoke
Thanks Blondie, I'm sure we will.
We tested positive for covid yesterday. I guess now it makes sense why we feel like so much shit. So we're still out of work. I should be cleared to go back to work tomorrow, she will be out for the rest of the week. Whatever. The air coming out of my lungs smells like death, and the feeling is similar.
But, I'm still not watching porn so that's something to be happy about. We had sex last night too, that's even more so something to be happy about. So it's not all bad here, just not really feeling great and the cabin fever is closing in on us.
Today I'm going to try to just be in the moment with my wife. Life is busy and we don't get to spend a lot of time together because of work schedules and school stuff. So a sickness that forces us to stay together all day with nothing to do is actually a blessing. I think when I'm an old man, these "sick days" we had with each other will be remembered fondly.
That's all I got. I'm going back to bed now.
Day 9 no smoke
Thanks Blondie, I'm sure we will.
We tested positive for covid yesterday. I guess now it makes sense why we feel like so much shit. So we're still out of work. I should be cleared to go back to work tomorrow, she will be out for the rest of the week. Whatever. The air coming out of my lungs smells like death, and the feeling is similar.
But, I'm still not watching porn so that's something to be happy about. We had sex last night too, that's even more so something to be happy about. So it's not all bad here, just not really feeling great and the cabin fever is closing in on us.
Today I'm going to try to just be in the moment with my wife. Life is busy and we don't get to spend a lot of time together because of work schedules and school stuff. So a sickness that forces us to stay together all day with nothing to do is actually a blessing. I think when I'm an old man, these "sick days" we had with each other will be remembered fondly.
That's all I got. I'm going back to bed now.
Skittelz
Active Member
Thanks. I wish I could see the brighter side of things more often. I'm in a positive headspace right now, so it's easy to be positive. Just wait tho, lol. I'm not always positive, I am just as negative when my mood changes. I don't know whats wrong with me, if I need mood stabilizers or what, but I am a moody dude. I just am.
But I try to be positive.
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 17 no porn
Day 10 no smoke
Back to work for me today. I Guess for the most part I feel well, just still a persistent cough and no energy whatsoever. But I feel like I've done all the resting I can do, it time to get back to life. I'm ready.
No porn, still doing good. I'm focused on other aspects of life, so alls good in those areas too. My plants will be ready to harvest on Friday, and I'm excited to see how they turned out.
I'm still in a positive mood
Day 10 no smoke
Back to work for me today. I Guess for the most part I feel well, just still a persistent cough and no energy whatsoever. But I feel like I've done all the resting I can do, it time to get back to life. I'm ready.
No porn, still doing good. I'm focused on other aspects of life, so alls good in those areas too. My plants will be ready to harvest on Friday, and I'm excited to see how they turned out.
I'm still in a positive mood
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 18 no porn
Day 11 no smoke
Yesterday was a good day, but long and tiring. I still have very low energy, still recovering from being sick. It is what it is. I figured that it would be best not to add more edibles on top of that, so last night I was good boy and stayed sober. I feel less tired today, hopefully this trend continues.
I harvested my plants last night. Fuck yes. I'm so happy with this crop. This is one of the things that makes life worth living, and I love it.
I struggle with anger. A lot. It seems like I lose my temper on a regular basis and I am trying to calm myself down often. Then after the anger passes, the sadness moves in and I feel hopeless -- this has been happening more than usual recently. I don't know what to do about this. I see my counselor on Friday and I plan to ask her about it.
We start overtime at work today. This is unpleasant, but a good thing. The extra hours will help me to clear my head and the extra money comes at a time when both my wife and I have missed work due to sickness. And this weekend I have a huge home repair that is happening , and it will be extremely expensive.
So the timing is so perfect, I guess I can't complain. Off to work
Stay up gents
Day 11 no smoke
Yesterday was a good day, but long and tiring. I still have very low energy, still recovering from being sick. It is what it is. I figured that it would be best not to add more edibles on top of that, so last night I was good boy and stayed sober. I feel less tired today, hopefully this trend continues.
I harvested my plants last night. Fuck yes. I'm so happy with this crop. This is one of the things that makes life worth living, and I love it.
I struggle with anger. A lot. It seems like I lose my temper on a regular basis and I am trying to calm myself down often. Then after the anger passes, the sadness moves in and I feel hopeless -- this has been happening more than usual recently. I don't know what to do about this. I see my counselor on Friday and I plan to ask her about it.
We start overtime at work today. This is unpleasant, but a good thing. The extra hours will help me to clear my head and the extra money comes at a time when both my wife and I have missed work due to sickness. And this weekend I have a huge home repair that is happening , and it will be extremely expensive.
So the timing is so perfect, I guess I can't complain. Off to work
Stay up gents
Last edited:
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 19 no porn
Day 12 no smoke
Yesterday was another good day. I think I'm in a really good place right now, mentally. My mental health is not so good a lot of the time, I struggle with depression, anxiety, and moodswings.
Especially the mood swings, they are the most disruptive of all my conditions. Sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself "so, who are we feeling like today? Are we the nice guy? Are we the asshole? How's it going to be today?"
But I've been stable and level headed since Tuesday evening. I know that's only a few days, but I'll take it. It's been a rollercoaster of anger & depression for a few months now. I can feel the strain, and so can my wife and friends. They all love me and worry about me, and it makes me feel even worse to be dragging them along with this shit.
But today, all is calm and peaceful. I love my people and I wouldn't be here without them, and that is the truth.
I feel like I'm entering a new phase in life, and I'm both excited and nervous to see where it takes me.
Day 12 no smoke
Yesterday was another good day. I think I'm in a really good place right now, mentally. My mental health is not so good a lot of the time, I struggle with depression, anxiety, and moodswings.
Especially the mood swings, they are the most disruptive of all my conditions. Sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself "so, who are we feeling like today? Are we the nice guy? Are we the asshole? How's it going to be today?"
But I've been stable and level headed since Tuesday evening. I know that's only a few days, but I'll take it. It's been a rollercoaster of anger & depression for a few months now. I can feel the strain, and so can my wife and friends. They all love me and worry about me, and it makes me feel even worse to be dragging them along with this shit.
But today, all is calm and peaceful. I love my people and I wouldn't be here without them, and that is the truth.
I feel like I'm entering a new phase in life, and I'm both excited and nervous to see where it takes me.
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 20 no porn
Day 13 no smoke
Yesterday was another good day. A lot of things went wrong and it wasn't perfect, but my mood was good and I stayed positive in spite of it all. I'm pleased with that, very pleased.
I still am struggling with a little bit of depression, I think because it's Christmas time. I hate this time of year and I hate this holiday -- I know, I'm a Scrooge. I have a lot of family trauma and emotional pain that centers around the Christmas holiday. I am able to mostly ignore the pain during the rest of the year, but at Christmas time, it takes the center stage and becomes dominant. When I hear the carols on the radio and see the decorations and lights, it reminds me of what I had, and what I lost. What I would give anything to have again, but what I never will. It's not a pleasant time of year for me. And when you add the cold weather & less sunshine to the loneliness, it compounds.
But I'm handling it better this year than I usually do. I think I'm changing as a man, as a person. I'm becoming more healthy and stable. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see.
Day 13 no smoke
Yesterday was another good day. A lot of things went wrong and it wasn't perfect, but my mood was good and I stayed positive in spite of it all. I'm pleased with that, very pleased.
I still am struggling with a little bit of depression, I think because it's Christmas time. I hate this time of year and I hate this holiday -- I know, I'm a Scrooge. I have a lot of family trauma and emotional pain that centers around the Christmas holiday. I am able to mostly ignore the pain during the rest of the year, but at Christmas time, it takes the center stage and becomes dominant. When I hear the carols on the radio and see the decorations and lights, it reminds me of what I had, and what I lost. What I would give anything to have again, but what I never will. It's not a pleasant time of year for me. And when you add the cold weather & less sunshine to the loneliness, it compounds.
But I'm handling it better this year than I usually do. I think I'm changing as a man, as a person. I'm becoming more healthy and stable. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see.
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 1 no porn
Day 14 no smoke
I dunno what happened guys, I started peeking at some porn last night. It was super quick, maybe 5 minutes at the most. I was just fucking around on my phone and bam, I was on a porn site. I didn't jerk off, I didn't keep scrolling -- I exited pretty much immediately. But I still feel let down by myself here. Disappointed.
I'm doing really well in other aspects of life, so I'm going to view this as a minor speed bump and move on. The positives outweigh the negatives by a lot, and that helps me to see that this isn't really the end of the world. It's a slip up, and I can forgive myself for it.
Day 14 no smoke
I dunno what happened guys, I started peeking at some porn last night. It was super quick, maybe 5 minutes at the most. I was just fucking around on my phone and bam, I was on a porn site. I didn't jerk off, I didn't keep scrolling -- I exited pretty much immediately. But I still feel let down by myself here. Disappointed.
I'm doing really well in other aspects of life, so I'm going to view this as a minor speed bump and move on. The positives outweigh the negatives by a lot, and that helps me to see that this isn't really the end of the world. It's a slip up, and I can forgive myself for it.
forceisstrong2
Active Member
I wouldn't even call that a relapse. For me, you are still on 21 days. You shouldn't be disappointed. These kind of things happen from time to time. The fact that you stopped after 5 mins means that you are getting control of this thing. Like you say, a minor slip up.
You are doing great!!!
You are doing great!!!
Skittelz
Active Member
Thanks for the support man, and the kind words. I agree, not what I would call a relapse, but I was trying to acknowledge the slip up.
Skittelz
Active Member
I have a lot to talk about today, I'll probably do it in a few posts, as time allows. We'll see what happens. It was a rough week.
First of all, I relapsed. It is what it is. I was out of work for Covid, then I hurt my back and spent an entire week unable to walk and eventually ended up in the ER. I have an addiction to opiates, so whenever this happens with my back it sends me on a downward spiral. The pain is too great to go without pain management, so the addiction must be managed and it really drags me down. No work -- which means no money -- and long hours trapped in my head. Add the back pain and Christmas time, and you have a recipe for depression.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I looked at my situation and the week I had to get thru, and decided that a relapse would be my best option. I didn't want an opiate relapse, I didn't want to spend the week crying and despairing, and I needed to get some rest so I can heal. So I started smoking weed again and jerking off to porn. I got thru it, and I'm back on the wagon, and I'm moving forward.
First of all, I relapsed. It is what it is. I was out of work for Covid, then I hurt my back and spent an entire week unable to walk and eventually ended up in the ER. I have an addiction to opiates, so whenever this happens with my back it sends me on a downward spiral. The pain is too great to go without pain management, so the addiction must be managed and it really drags me down. No work -- which means no money -- and long hours trapped in my head. Add the back pain and Christmas time, and you have a recipe for depression.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I looked at my situation and the week I had to get thru, and decided that a relapse would be my best option. I didn't want an opiate relapse, I didn't want to spend the week crying and despairing, and I needed to get some rest so I can heal. So I started smoking weed again and jerking off to porn. I got thru it, and I'm back on the wagon, and I'm moving forward.
Skittelz
Active Member
It's not all bad. Yes, I had to restart my count a few days ago. That blows, but let's be honest, it's not the first time I've started it over. I'll be back up in no time. The days don't matter, what I do with them does.
On the good side: my weed is harvested! Yeah buddy, and it's some good shit. The whole house stinks lol. So I at least got something done while I was crippled.
I am actually pleased with myself for how I got thru this difficult week. In spite of the relapse even. I handled Covid and the back pain way better than i usually do, my wife even commented on that this morning. So I have signs that I'm making progress in some areas, and I'll take it.
On the good side: my weed is harvested! Yeah buddy, and it's some good shit. The whole house stinks lol. So I at least got something done while I was crippled.
I am actually pleased with myself for how I got thru this difficult week. In spite of the relapse even. I handled Covid and the back pain way better than i usually do, my wife even commented on that this morning. So I have signs that I'm making progress in some areas, and I'll take it.
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 3 no porn
Day 1 no smoke
Fuck man, I just can't get any fucking sleep. Been tossing most of the night, and laid awake for the last hour and a half before my alarm went off.
I've been loaded up on opiates, muscle relaxers, and weed for the last week -- but not now because I don't need them for my back at the moment. This always happens after I fuck my back up, I have a long period of withdrawal and sleeplessness that leads to depression. Yay.
My back is really sore today. I need to continue to go easy at work, which is something I'm not very good at. But I need to so I can heal.
But enough bitching already. It's Friday, I just gotta get thru the day and then I'll have the weekend to rest my back some more
Day 1 no smoke
Fuck man, I just can't get any fucking sleep. Been tossing most of the night, and laid awake for the last hour and a half before my alarm went off.
I've been loaded up on opiates, muscle relaxers, and weed for the last week -- but not now because I don't need them for my back at the moment. This always happens after I fuck my back up, I have a long period of withdrawal and sleeplessness that leads to depression. Yay.
My back is really sore today. I need to continue to go easy at work, which is something I'm not very good at. But I need to so I can heal.
But enough bitching already. It's Friday, I just gotta get thru the day and then I'll have the weekend to rest my back some more
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 4 no porn
Day 0 no smoke
Still not sleeping well. I refurbished my CPAP last night in hopes of better sleep but it was not to be. I'm struggling with not smoking weed. I have a bowl burning while I type this actually. It's harder to abstain at the moment due to having a lot of it piled up so it's constantly in my face tempting me.
Meh. One battle at a time, right now I'm focused more on fighting porn than smoke. It seems like a more prevalent issue. I'm doing well in that regard, I feel all the usual glory of a porn free moment.
You know, I was watching some videos about time, our perception of it, and what our existence in time actually means. Basically, there is no past, there is no future, there is only now. The "moment" that we try to live in is not a split second, but actually eternity. Eternity is not a long period of time, it's actually what exists when you remove time from the equation. That means that if right now is all that exists -- and I am clean right now -- then that's all there is. The day count is ultimately meaningless, because I am counting days that don't exist. I am clean and free in this moment and that's beautiful.
Today is all we get. Forever.
Day 0 no smoke
Still not sleeping well. I refurbished my CPAP last night in hopes of better sleep but it was not to be. I'm struggling with not smoking weed. I have a bowl burning while I type this actually. It's harder to abstain at the moment due to having a lot of it piled up so it's constantly in my face tempting me.
Meh. One battle at a time, right now I'm focused more on fighting porn than smoke. It seems like a more prevalent issue. I'm doing well in that regard, I feel all the usual glory of a porn free moment.
You know, I was watching some videos about time, our perception of it, and what our existence in time actually means. Basically, there is no past, there is no future, there is only now. The "moment" that we try to live in is not a split second, but actually eternity. Eternity is not a long period of time, it's actually what exists when you remove time from the equation. That means that if right now is all that exists -- and I am clean right now -- then that's all there is. The day count is ultimately meaningless, because I am counting days that don't exist. I am clean and free in this moment and that's beautiful.
Today is all we get. Forever.
Skittelz
Active Member
I have a drug problem. I have an anger problem, a really severe anger problem. I'm currently focused on those two issues, and I'm leaving my porn battle on the back burner for now. My anger and the drugs I use to control it are far more damaging to my life than porn ever was.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, so if you don't agree with it feel free to stop reading my journal.
Oddly, since I stopped focusing on porn, it seems like it got better. Without trying I go about 15-20 days clean and then I slip up for a day or two. Then I go another 15-20 days again. I'll take it, I have other issues to deal with at the moment.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, so if you don't agree with it feel free to stop reading my journal.
Oddly, since I stopped focusing on porn, it seems like it got better. Without trying I go about 15-20 days clean and then I slip up for a day or two. Then I go another 15-20 days again. I'll take it, I have other issues to deal with at the moment.
Skittelz
Active Member
Day 15
Just thought I'd check in.
My mental state is quite unstable. I owe my wife and all my close friends apologies. I am so tired of dragging everyone down with me, it feels like my broken brain is corroding my relationships. I decided last week that it is time to explore the option of medication. I have been actively doing therapy for a little under 2 years now, and while it has been immensely helpful, it is not enough. There is obviously something chemically out of balance here. I decided that if medication can help, then it would be foolish not to at least give it a try.
The hard part is finding a psychiatrist. I am hitting a wall on that front, nobody is taking new patients, they don't accept my insurance, etc. Apparently there are a lot of us who need help and not very many providers to complete the task. I'm stuck in a bottle neck here, and I'm trying to be patient.
Today, so far, is a good mental day. I feel balanced to a degree. I'll take it and be happy with that.
Just thought I'd check in.
My mental state is quite unstable. I owe my wife and all my close friends apologies. I am so tired of dragging everyone down with me, it feels like my broken brain is corroding my relationships. I decided last week that it is time to explore the option of medication. I have been actively doing therapy for a little under 2 years now, and while it has been immensely helpful, it is not enough. There is obviously something chemically out of balance here. I decided that if medication can help, then it would be foolish not to at least give it a try.
The hard part is finding a psychiatrist. I am hitting a wall on that front, nobody is taking new patients, they don't accept my insurance, etc. Apparently there are a lot of us who need help and not very many providers to complete the task. I'm stuck in a bottle neck here, and I'm trying to be patient.
Today, so far, is a good mental day. I feel balanced to a degree. I'll take it and be happy with that.
Skittelz
Active Member
No Smoke: 60 days
No PMO: 26 days
Not going to lie, life has been rough this year so far. My anger turned into all-out rage and I have been struggling with depression so badly that I was beginning to feel suicidal. Feeling like a waste of life and a detriment to my family is the worst emotional pain I have experienced.
But there are good things to report as well. I did manage to see a psychiatrist last week. She gave me a very long/thorough assessment, (3+ hours) and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Not much of a surprise there, I suppose, as I've been up and down chemically for decades. I am taking a mood stabilizer now but it's too soon to tell if it is helping or not yet. We shall have to wait and see. But just taking the step to get help, making an effort to show up for myself, seems to have had a somewhat positive effect on my mentality.
I am still clean on the porn front, and I am happy about that. Even when life sucks, it sucks less if I am porn-free. I also seem to have really made a u-turn on smoking weed, which I am happy about as well. I've been struggling to nix that habit longer than porn. I'm still hacking up black shit from my lungs tho, I wonder how long it will take to clear it all out finally?
My final piece of good news is that I just got my final dental crown installed today. I have had 5 molars replaced in 2024, and they were all painful and EXPENSIVE. I've been living off of soup and yogurt, for months now, and I'm sick of it. I plan on celebrating by having a steak dinner as soon as I can chew again.
No PMO: 26 days
Not going to lie, life has been rough this year so far. My anger turned into all-out rage and I have been struggling with depression so badly that I was beginning to feel suicidal. Feeling like a waste of life and a detriment to my family is the worst emotional pain I have experienced.
But there are good things to report as well. I did manage to see a psychiatrist last week. She gave me a very long/thorough assessment, (3+ hours) and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Not much of a surprise there, I suppose, as I've been up and down chemically for decades. I am taking a mood stabilizer now but it's too soon to tell if it is helping or not yet. We shall have to wait and see. But just taking the step to get help, making an effort to show up for myself, seems to have had a somewhat positive effect on my mentality.
I am still clean on the porn front, and I am happy about that. Even when life sucks, it sucks less if I am porn-free. I also seem to have really made a u-turn on smoking weed, which I am happy about as well. I've been struggling to nix that habit longer than porn. I'm still hacking up black shit from my lungs tho, I wonder how long it will take to clear it all out finally?
My final piece of good news is that I just got my final dental crown installed today. I have had 5 molars replaced in 2024, and they were all painful and EXPENSIVE. I've been living off of soup and yogurt, for months now, and I'm sick of it. I plan on celebrating by having a steak dinner as soon as I can chew again.
Skittelz
Active Member
No Smoke: 91 days
No Porn: 20 days
Today marks an important milestone for me today. I am 5 years sober from alcohol as of this morning. Not a drop in 5 years. I thought I would feel more jovial about it, but now that it's here it just seems like another day. I still wanted to mark the occasion tho.
Also, the meds I am on for bipolar seem to be vastly improving my life. I feel like a normal person for the first time. My moods are more stable and I can manage my emotions. I'm not so impulsive and reactionary - I am able to give myself room to make a decision when I find myself in a difficult situation. As a result, my porn usage has completely dropped off, at least for the time being. This is the purest streak I have had in a long time, with no peeking whatsoever. Actually, porn barely crosses my mind anymore. I hope it stays this way.
No Porn: 20 days
Today marks an important milestone for me today. I am 5 years sober from alcohol as of this morning. Not a drop in 5 years. I thought I would feel more jovial about it, but now that it's here it just seems like another day. I still wanted to mark the occasion tho.
Also, the meds I am on for bipolar seem to be vastly improving my life. I feel like a normal person for the first time. My moods are more stable and I can manage my emotions. I'm not so impulsive and reactionary - I am able to give myself room to make a decision when I find myself in a difficult situation. As a result, my porn usage has completely dropped off, at least for the time being. This is the purest streak I have had in a long time, with no peeking whatsoever. Actually, porn barely crosses my mind anymore. I hope it stays this way.