Battle Journal

Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 9 no Porn
Day 2 no Smoke

I had a good day yesterday. No porn cravings, so sobriety is easy to maintain at the moment. The hard part comes later.

Anyhoo, I stayed focused on work and in the moment. Good mood, lots of energy, and a productive day.

After work a buddy came over and we made a batch of chocolate bars that turned out really nice. Good and dark, but potent as well. I ate about 100 mg of THC instead of smoking, and it was actually pretty nice when it took effect. I was still feeling like I needed to smoke tho, and I was going to, but my friend helped me stay strong. I am thankful to him for this -- and that's why I try to surround myself with good people who care about me.

Laters
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
I'm thinking about setting a goal for clean days.

However, this has backfired on me in the past.

Sometimes when I hit my goal, it sets me up for a relapse -- like, since I hit my goal I "deserve" some porn? Maybe? I dunno. On the other hand tho, not having a goal is just as problematic. I lose sight of why I am abstaining in the first place.

My longest "pure" streak was 78 days, and that was when I felt the best in regards to this addiction. I had a few other streaks that were less pure, with periods of peeking and little cheats here and there -- maybe 100 days or 110. But they would all eventually crumble into a full-blown relapse at one point. For about a year, I watched porn on a on/off basis and didn't ever jerk off, and that was also problematic. So I don't know. Clean is clean, dirty is dirty. It is what it is.

So, I'm going to set a small goal of 15 days. I should be there on Monday, and then I'll set the next goal. Let's see what happens.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
I like this @Skittelz. Whenever I've tried the "no goal method" it has always ended with bad results, because for me, settings goals (even small ones) gives me motivation.
Skittelz said:
Clean is clean, dirty is dirty.
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Truth! After I relapsed a while back, I started counting 2000 days, which is how long I've been "mostly clean" over the last five years, but that just was bullshitting myself, and also gave me no motivation.

Have you ever tried porn blockers? I know some guys really like those.

Best
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Blondie said:
Have you ever tried porn blockers? I know some guys really like those.
Click to expand...
I have, and for the last two years I've had one on my phone and home devices. They were pivotal in getting me to my first 30 clean days and proving to me that I will survive without porn. My wife and I just used the parental controls on the phone and synced my account to hers. Easy shit.

However, I have learned how to get around them. I used to be computer illiterate, now I'm pretty damn savvy lol. I'm like a hacker now, I can find whatever I want whenever I want. And I'm okay with that, actually, because it puts me in the driver's seat and gives me my power back.

I have decided that I can have whatever I want in life, there is nothing that I am not "allowed" to have. Weather it's porn, hard drugs, or alcohol -- if I want it, I can go get it. I'm an adult, and I am in charge. When I watch porn, that's on me, and when I decide not to, that's on me as well. This has been a life-changing thought process for me.
But porn blockers were absolutely necessary in the beginning to break the years-long hold that porn had on me. Now that I'm past that point I find that they are not very helpful going forward.

Thanks for weighing in, always good to talk
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
I couldn't agree more. I liked to know I'm in charge and if I blow it or not, it will be on me. I do use Google search filter just to help me not accidently see something, but of course, I always turn that off when I want to. :ROFLMAO: I do think as you said though, for anyone here who is struggling to even get a month clean, a porn blocker could be very helpful in that regard.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Agreed.

I often see porn addiction compared to heroin addiction, which is accurate. Since it is accurate, I will take it a step further and compare porn blockers to inpatient drug rehab facilities.

When a man is addicted to heroin so bad that he can't even go a day without using, he needs rehab. The facility will force sobriety on him and give him some breathing room. But eventually, he has to leave the facility, nobody is allowed to stay forever.

And the reality is this -- heroin exists, and dealers sell it. And they know who you are and they know you only need a taste, and you'll be right back in their pockets. So it's on you, ultimately.

The blockers only work to get you clean, but they do not, and I repeat, do not keep you clean.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 10 no porn
Day 3 no smoke

I feel like shit today. I don't know why. I can't tell if I'm getting sick or not, because I have no fever but my whole body hurts and I feel run over

Porn still isn't tempting me. Not yet at least.

I didn't smoke yesterday, so I'm doing good in that arena. I had a 50mg edible instead, and it was very mild when it kicked in, but still nice. Part of my issue with weed is that my tolerance is so high, it takes a LOT to be effective and it can be problematic at super high doses. So I've been slowly reducing my intake over the last few weeks in an attempt to lower my tolerance. Its working too 😎

One of my favorite things about porn sobriety is the mental freedom to focus on other things. It seems like when I am engaged with the porn brain I lose my ability to control what I want to focus on, and the porn takes the wheel. But as the porn cloud fades away, I am able to pay full attention to my life. I built a good life for myself, and all I have to do now is enjoy it and live it. Last night I spent a few hours in my indoor garden and thoroughly enjoyed it. I'll be harvesting in a week and I couldn't be more excited.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Shit. That didn't take long.

I got to work and REALLY started to feel like shit. Headspins, body aches, no energy whatsoever.

I'm on my way home now. Time for NyQuil and my mattress.

Hey, at least my dogs will be happy, right? They love making a big pile and sleeping all day
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 11 no porn
Day 4 no smoke

I feel much better today, still a lil bit sick but a big improvement. I'm heading to work in a few minutes, but I just wanted to come here and track another clean day.

No temptation for porn.

I didn't use any weed yesterday because I was on cold medicine I thought it was probably best not to mix drugs. And I probably won't tonight either, for the same reason so that is good news for my tolerance. It should come down even faster now.

Four days until I hit my goal of 15 days. How far out should I extend my next goal? 10 more days? 15 more days? I don't want to go to far or too little. What do you guys think?
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
forceisstrong2 said:
Hey man,

First couples of weeks are the hardest. If you do 15, try to push on and do another 15.

Best brother.
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Thanks for weighing in. Always good to hear from a fellow rebooter. I think we are the only people we can talk to about this shit.

I usually don't set a "days" goal. I feel like the goal is to be permanently porn free, not just for a certain number of days. I think this is similar to your recent statement about not calling it a streak because streaks end. But I'm changing my strategy now, hoping for better results.

Also, Ive noticed that for me, quitting is not hardest at the beginning. It gets harder the longer I go, and I don't understand why.

For me, porn is not difficult to quit, at all. I do it over and over again, and have for years. But it never stays quit, ya know what I mean? Eventually I always circle back. That's what I'm trying to tackle this time around.
 
forceisstrong2

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Yeah I get what you are saying.

What I've discovered is that I've had a load of other issues beside porn that I have to deal with, but I only discovered that i had them when i quit using porn.

So for me quitting porn is just the first step. Then comes life.

What I know too for a fact is that it wants me dead. It wants to kill my spirit, my capacity for love and friendship, it destroys my mind... it is so fucking shit.

Life is soooooo much better without it
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
forceisstrong2 said:
Yeah I get what you are saying.

What I've discovered is that I've had a load of other issues beside porn that I have to deal with, but I only discovered that i had them when i quit using porn.

So for me quitting porn is just the first step. Then comes life.

What I know too for a fact is that it wants me dead. It wants to kill my spirit, my capacity for love and friendship, it destroys my mind... it is so fucking shit.

Life is soooooo much better without it
Click to expand...
Couldn't agree more.

I also have a shitload of other problems, I think we all do, really. In our brain, porn is actually a "fix" for those problems, so when we stop using, suddenly our "solution" isn't there. So that makes it fun lol

"Then comes life" so true my man, so true. Life and the hardships that come with it are what pushed us towards porn in the first place, as well as alcohol, cocaine, opiate pills -- these are the things that we believe will make life hurt less but they actually make it hurt more.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 12 no porn
Day 5 no smoke

Another clean day. I barely made it thru work I was so exhausted from being a little sick still. The wife came down with it yesterday and went home from work as well. Looks like she's got it worse than me, poor girl. She's right in the middle of finals in college too, damn. That sucks.

Porn still isn't tempting me, but I also have very little libido either. Maybe when it returns, the desire for porn will too, who knows. I don't know if this is a "flatline" or whatever you guys call it. I never put a lot of thought into the flatline because I go thru so many downswing/depressive cycles a year that I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

I'm still sick. Bad coughing, body aches, and no energy. And I'm kinda depressed too, due to the darkness of winter, cold medication, and feeling like shit. These factors could easily explain the lack of libido, so I'm hesitant to call it a flatline.

But, I digress . . . today is payday!!!! I do love that money my friends, and I work hard to make it. It feels good to pay all the bills and fill the fridge with groceries. It makes me feel like a man, a provider.

Stay positive, stay clean
 
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Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 15 no porn
Day 8 no smoke

Oh man, we've been so sick guys, not even funny.

The whole weekend we stayed in bed and took cold medicine. My wife and I were miserable, but at least we were miserable together. All in all, it wasn't a bad weekend, just a sick one. We got nothing done, obviously, but we rested and took care of ourselves. The chest congestion is terrible with this sickness, just horrible. I can't hardly breathe without choking, and the throat is on fire.

Day 15, I hit my goal, yay. Now I'm setting my sights on 30 days. Sorry, but porn isn't really something I'm concerned with, and 15 days doesn't feel like an accomplishment. It feels like I've been there done that. It will take more than that to impress me.

I'm more impressed with my non-smoking numbers. It's been a long time since I went this long without a puff.

I'm still pretty depressed. From being sick and because of the holidays. Fuck this time of year for real.
 
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