Pazienza
Active Member
Damn, everyone speaks multiple languages around here! I'm going to have to step my game up.
What is your native tongue?
Battle Journal
- Thread starter Pazienza
- Start date
What is your native tongue?
Pazienza
Active Member
Back from vacation, it was definitely an adventure. A lot of things went right, and a lot of things went wrong -- but it was time spent with my wife and not at work so I'll take it. It was nice to relax and take in a lot of nature. We found some beautiful waterfalls, and a few deep clear swimming holes. The water was soooo cold, because we were right where the springs gush out of the ground and form the rivers. I took some nice pictures, but I can't figure out how to post them unfortunately.
We got home Saturday evening, and she and I spent Sunday processing produce from my garden & orchard. All in all, we roasted and canned two pints of poblano peppers & anaheim chili's -- plus 5 quarts of pear pie filling. I see some good food in my near future
Now I'm back to my normal life and getting back into work mode. Wife started school yesterday, so this next few months I will have a lot of free time and I want to use it wisely. There's a lot of projects/goals that I have on the back burner -- I think it's time to bring some of them to the front burner and get started.
I have a lot to do. My weed plants need to be cloned, my stairwell needs to be rebuilt, and I need to re-run the electrical outlets in my upstairs bedrooms.
I shall be staying busy for the foreseeable future.
41 days.
Stay up my fellow warriors
We got home Saturday evening, and she and I spent Sunday processing produce from my garden & orchard. All in all, we roasted and canned two pints of poblano peppers & anaheim chili's -- plus 5 quarts of pear pie filling. I see some good food in my near future
Now I'm back to my normal life and getting back into work mode. Wife started school yesterday, so this next few months I will have a lot of free time and I want to use it wisely. There's a lot of projects/goals that I have on the back burner -- I think it's time to bring some of them to the front burner and get started.
I have a lot to do. My weed plants need to be cloned, my stairwell needs to be rebuilt, and I need to re-run the electrical outlets in my upstairs bedrooms.
I shall be staying busy for the foreseeable future.
41 days.
Stay up my fellow warriors
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 44
I'm depressed. The low feeling has been slowly coming back for about an week now. I first noticed it while we were on vacation.
All the usual signs of my depressed state are here now:
* Desire and usage of marijuana has increased
* Not as much energy, and a decrease in appetite
* Feelings of boredom and emptiness
* Excessive tiredness/sleeping
* Desire for pornography is increased
I know that pornography has been a coping mechanism I have used in the past to soothe my symptoms of depression, so it makes sense that I would want it when I am depressed, like now. I believe this is a cycle related to being bipolar, which is also why I believe the depression is temporary. If I can just get thru this period of mental downswing, I think the good mood will return. I just need to wait it out.
When I am in the upswing part of the cycle, I have zero urges for porn -- which is contrasted by the fact that I have very strong urges for porn when I am in the downswing. So this tells me two things:
* The cravings are normal, because my brain is looking for some type of stimulation
* This will pass along with the mood, I just need to be patient
I had two major successes this week tho, I'd like to talk about.
1) I had an an almost uncontrollable urge to look up porn on Tuesday. It was so strong in fact, that I felt helpless to fight it. I was at work when this happened, but we were going home soon. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that when I got home from work I was going to relapse, and I would have to start the whole process over again. I was not happy about this fact, but I was resigned to it. It felt like I had already failed and I might as well just end it. However, when I got home, I decided to take a nap instead. I woke up in a much better mood, and was pleased to find that the cravings had passed. I decided I actually WAS stronger than this addiction and got on with my afternoon/evening.
2) Later that same night, I was in bed reading a book about serial killers. It's a morbid topic -- I know -- but I've always been fascinated by psychology, especially abnormal psychology. I was reading about the Jeffery Dahmer case and decided to look up some additional information on it on my phone. Out of nowhere, some animated porn clips showed up, asking me to click "allow" so I could see more. I was stoned, and tired, and confused by the whole thing, so it took me a few seconds to figure out what was even going on. Once I realized that this was an advertisement for some type of online "Porn Game" I exited out and have not returned. It disturbed my sleep that night, and I have felt somewhat triggered by it, but overall I think I'm okay.
These two instances are good examples of situations in the past that have caused me to relapse. One, my depression pulling me to watch porn; the other, an unintentional exposure to porn. I count it as success that I navigated them both without watching porn.
I have been tempted to watch porn today and yesterday. I think it is my depression, and my psyche looking for something to make me feel a little better. I have resisted so far. It's annoying to have a desire for something I don't want, and even more annoying because I don't fully understand where it comes from.
I'm depressed. The low feeling has been slowly coming back for about an week now. I first noticed it while we were on vacation.
All the usual signs of my depressed state are here now:
* Desire and usage of marijuana has increased
* Not as much energy, and a decrease in appetite
* Feelings of boredom and emptiness
* Excessive tiredness/sleeping
* Desire for pornography is increased
I know that pornography has been a coping mechanism I have used in the past to soothe my symptoms of depression, so it makes sense that I would want it when I am depressed, like now. I believe this is a cycle related to being bipolar, which is also why I believe the depression is temporary. If I can just get thru this period of mental downswing, I think the good mood will return. I just need to wait it out.
When I am in the upswing part of the cycle, I have zero urges for porn -- which is contrasted by the fact that I have very strong urges for porn when I am in the downswing. So this tells me two things:
* The cravings are normal, because my brain is looking for some type of stimulation
* This will pass along with the mood, I just need to be patient
I had two major successes this week tho, I'd like to talk about.
1) I had an an almost uncontrollable urge to look up porn on Tuesday. It was so strong in fact, that I felt helpless to fight it. I was at work when this happened, but we were going home soon. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that when I got home from work I was going to relapse, and I would have to start the whole process over again. I was not happy about this fact, but I was resigned to it. It felt like I had already failed and I might as well just end it. However, when I got home, I decided to take a nap instead. I woke up in a much better mood, and was pleased to find that the cravings had passed. I decided I actually WAS stronger than this addiction and got on with my afternoon/evening.
2) Later that same night, I was in bed reading a book about serial killers. It's a morbid topic -- I know -- but I've always been fascinated by psychology, especially abnormal psychology. I was reading about the Jeffery Dahmer case and decided to look up some additional information on it on my phone. Out of nowhere, some animated porn clips showed up, asking me to click "allow" so I could see more. I was stoned, and tired, and confused by the whole thing, so it took me a few seconds to figure out what was even going on. Once I realized that this was an advertisement for some type of online "Porn Game" I exited out and have not returned. It disturbed my sleep that night, and I have felt somewhat triggered by it, but overall I think I'm okay.
These two instances are good examples of situations in the past that have caused me to relapse. One, my depression pulling me to watch porn; the other, an unintentional exposure to porn. I count it as success that I navigated them both without watching porn.
I have been tempted to watch porn today and yesterday. I think it is my depression, and my psyche looking for something to make me feel a little better. I have resisted so far. It's annoying to have a desire for something I don't want, and even more annoying because I don't fully understand where it comes from.
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Pazienza
Active Member
I wanted to add that we've been experiencing extreme heat this week, which is adding to my poor emotional state. The temps have been over 100° every day with indexes past the 115° mark. Just unbearable heat, plus humidity. The jobsites have been shutting down early, so I am left with a lot more free time in my hands, and my finances are really tight. I'm sure these factors are contributing, I just wanted to point out that it isn't 100% a porn addiction issue. Real life stressors are taking their toll here
Blondie
Respected Member
Congrats on those victories @Skittelz, those are big moments and it feels great to get past them, especially when you're in a bad head space and it seems so tempting to "escape from it".
Sorry to hear about your depression, but you're right, it comes it goes, and the best thing is just to remember that when you're in the midst of it. This too shall pass.
I too love psychology and yes serial killers.
Best
Sorry to hear about your depression, but you're right, it comes it goes, and the best thing is just to remember that when you're in the midst of it. This too shall pass.
I too love psychology and yes serial killers.
Best
Pazienza
Active Member
Okay, good! So you understand.I too love psychology and yes serial killers.
I was reading about how Jeffrey Dahmer got caught because he left some Polaroid pictures of corpses laying around carelessly. It didn't make sense to me, because he was so meticulous in every other aspect of his hobby. So I wanted more info, and decided to look deeper into it.
Apparently they are currently using the tag "Jeffery Dahmer Polaroids" as clickbait. I don't understand why, but they are. I clicked on several links that took me directly to porn advertisements or sites. Mostly, it caught me off-guard, because I wasn't thinking about porn, or expecting to see any.
So I decided that was enough research for one night, lol. No more serial killers at bedtime I guess.
Blondie
Respected Member
Yeah man, those ads are crazy. I had one pop up a few days ago, and I'm almost two years clean, so it's not like my search habits did that, it's just how it rolls these days.
Good call!
Pazienza
Active Member
I'm an asshole. I didn't used to be, but I've become one over the years, and I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe the life I've had has shaped me into an aggressive and violent person, or maybe that's just an excuse.
I'm so angry right now, and I'm losing control of my life. I'm dehydrated from crying for hours on end for the last 2 weeks straight, I'm not exaggerating .... I cry every single day. The only way I can control the despair inside of is to bury it under anger, but that's destroying me too. I'm stuck between two destructive forces that are going to blow me away.
This has nothing to do with porn, I'm actually on a good streak now. Something inside of me broke -- broke really bad -- and I can't fix it.
I can't function like this. I'm broken and I need help. I'll be taking a break from this forum to seek some help. I don't know if I need to be fully committed to the nut house, or if I need something else. I'm lost. I'm checking in today, I'll let you guys know if I ever make it back out.
This is my alternative to suicide.
I'm so angry right now, and I'm losing control of my life. I'm dehydrated from crying for hours on end for the last 2 weeks straight, I'm not exaggerating .... I cry every single day. The only way I can control the despair inside of is to bury it under anger, but that's destroying me too. I'm stuck between two destructive forces that are going to blow me away.
This has nothing to do with porn, I'm actually on a good streak now. Something inside of me broke -- broke really bad -- and I can't fix it.
I can't function like this. I'm broken and I need help. I'll be taking a break from this forum to seek some help. I don't know if I need to be fully committed to the nut house, or if I need something else. I'm lost. I'm checking in today, I'll let you guys know if I ever make it back out.
This is my alternative to suicide.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Take this with a grain of salt. When you write about crying. This can be pretty normal for a heavy emotional detox. There is nothing wrong with this. We hold on to soo much emotional pain it is hard to imagine. My longest single crying session is a little over 1 hour. There was some heavy emotional detox. There is nothing to fix. The emotions just need to digest and be let out (like with crying).
Make sure you ground yourself mentally. Stabilize. Create safe space for yourself. Sounds a bit abstract but it is practical and simple.
For me I find just focusing on the center of my chest and intending to connect with my spiritual heart - I view this as my anchor/grounding system. I find this the simplest and most powerful grounding. It creates a sense of grounding and safety for me.
Also you can look up Peter Levine Containment exercises. One of the first links:
Create a sense of container, safe space, let the emotions process, there is nothing to fix.
Good luck, and like you mention, I think some psychotherapy is very helpful. Maybe try a few different psychotherapists ask if they have a discounted first session or something as you would just like to see if the therapist is a good fit for you. Also self study psychology is a good idea.
Good luck man
Onwards and upwards
Make sure you ground yourself mentally. Stabilize. Create safe space for yourself. Sounds a bit abstract but it is practical and simple.
For me I find just focusing on the center of my chest and intending to connect with my spiritual heart - I view this as my anchor/grounding system. I find this the simplest and most powerful grounding. It creates a sense of grounding and safety for me.
Also you can look up Peter Levine Containment exercises. One of the first links:
Create a sense of container, safe space, let the emotions process, there is nothing to fix.
Good luck, and like you mention, I think some psychotherapy is very helpful. Maybe try a few different psychotherapists ask if they have a discounted first session or something as you would just like to see if the therapist is a good fit for you. Also self study psychology is a good idea.
Good luck man
Onwards and upwards
jonazo91
Active Member
I’d say maybe DM mods or admins (I found them under the “members” section and ask them for help. I hope all is well man.
Pazienza
Active Member
I'm good, just up and down, as per usual.
Kind of wanting to delete my profile here, because I have really thrown a lot of negativity out there and I feel that this journal is somewhat toxic. I'm feeling like this forum doesn't need me, and I rarely have anything good to contribute.
Maybe that would be a mistake. I fuck up so often I'm paranoid about making decisions.
I dunno
Fuck it
I'll give it some more time, and make the decision later. Maybe I will feel different then. Maybe I wont.
Kind of wanting to delete my profile here, because I have really thrown a lot of negativity out there and I feel that this journal is somewhat toxic. I'm feeling like this forum doesn't need me, and I rarely have anything good to contribute.
Maybe that would be a mistake. I fuck up so often I'm paranoid about making decisions.
I dunno
Fuck it
I'll give it some more time, and make the decision later. Maybe I will feel different then. Maybe I wont.
Ezel
Respected Member
The mind that is telling you to relapse is the same one that wrote this. Don't trust it. Be strong man. Stay blessed.
Pazienza
Active Member
Yeah man maybe you're right.
All I can say is that life has been especially tumultuous as of late. I've had huge successes and massive failures, as well as extreme emotional highs and devastating crashes of depression. So there's a lot to be happy about and a lot to be upset about.
It is what it is. I'm just overwhelmed I think. And I be tired as hell man, I can't sleep for shit these days. I think that's half the problem.
Anyways, thanks for the support
All I can say is that life has been especially tumultuous as of late. I've had huge successes and massive failures, as well as extreme emotional highs and devastating crashes of depression. So there's a lot to be happy about and a lot to be upset about.
It is what it is. I'm just overwhelmed I think. And I be tired as hell man, I can't sleep for shit these days. I think that's half the problem.
Anyways, thanks for the support
Pazienza
Active Member
Just got back home from a concert. Heavy metal is good for the soul, especially when you're going thru some shit. The brutal energy of the music and the violence of the mosh pits is healing in its own way. I feel much better now than than I have in a weeks.
I'm high as fuck right now guys. Emotionally high from the concert -- and also high for real from weed. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Tomorrow I will be tired and cranky, because I won't get much sleep. My brain wants to hold onto the fun and keep the good times rolling. My brain wants to watch porn. It knows tomorrow will suck, but it's saying tonight doesn't have to, because tonight we deserve to watch some porn. And it's really hard not to watch porn when I'm high.
I was actually going to do exactly that, fire up the old porn machine. But instead of going to the porn sites, I came here. Best decision I've made in at least 2 days. Lol.
And now I'm going to bed before I get into trouble.
I'm high as fuck right now guys. Emotionally high from the concert -- and also high for real from weed. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Tomorrow I will be tired and cranky, because I won't get much sleep. My brain wants to hold onto the fun and keep the good times rolling. My brain wants to watch porn. It knows tomorrow will suck, but it's saying tonight doesn't have to, because tonight we deserve to watch some porn. And it's really hard not to watch porn when I'm high.
I was actually going to do exactly that, fire up the old porn machine. But instead of going to the porn sites, I came here. Best decision I've made in at least 2 days. Lol.
And now I'm going to bed before I get into trouble.
Pazienza
Active Member
Okay, I wanna start taking this more seriously.
Therapy has been helping a lot. I've been really focusing on myself and the changes I've been making to my life, with great success. Over the last year I have experienced so much personal growth that I feel like a different person than I was the year before. This new person doesn't fit into my old way of life, so I'm re-arranging my life to accommodate the new man.
This has actually been a lot of fun, looking at my life and seeing all the possible ways it could be different. It's like buying new furniture for your new house -- seeing what fits and what doesn't.
However, as I focus on my own personal revolution, I focus less on the porn monster. I think I have not fully decided inside of myself if porn fits into my new person and life. That's the only reason I can think of that as of recently, porn seems like it's an option all of a sudden.
So I'm going to take porn more seriously, and I kind of already have, at least in the past week. I need to get the momentum back, which is happening as I type this.
One other issue I want to touch on is smoking. I have backslid back into smoking weed way too much. My lungs hurt. I had switched to edibles and it fixed the problem, and I have no idea why I went back to smoking again. I guess it's the same reason I went back to porn: it's an addiction. One that needs to stop.
So I'm going to count those two things in my journal -- porn free days and smoke free days. I know this is a PORN addiction forum, but addiction is addiction.
I'm currently on day 8 with no porn, and day 1 without smoking.
Therapy has been helping a lot. I've been really focusing on myself and the changes I've been making to my life, with great success. Over the last year I have experienced so much personal growth that I feel like a different person than I was the year before. This new person doesn't fit into my old way of life, so I'm re-arranging my life to accommodate the new man.
This has actually been a lot of fun, looking at my life and seeing all the possible ways it could be different. It's like buying new furniture for your new house -- seeing what fits and what doesn't.
However, as I focus on my own personal revolution, I focus less on the porn monster. I think I have not fully decided inside of myself if porn fits into my new person and life. That's the only reason I can think of that as of recently, porn seems like it's an option all of a sudden.
So I'm going to take porn more seriously, and I kind of already have, at least in the past week. I need to get the momentum back, which is happening as I type this.
One other issue I want to touch on is smoking. I have backslid back into smoking weed way too much. My lungs hurt. I had switched to edibles and it fixed the problem, and I have no idea why I went back to smoking again. I guess it's the same reason I went back to porn: it's an addiction. One that needs to stop.
So I'm going to count those two things in my journal -- porn free days and smoke free days. I know this is a PORN addiction forum, but addiction is addiction.
I'm currently on day 8 with no porn, and day 1 without smoking.
Pazienza
Active Member
I did actually.
I feel pretty rough today, physically. I put myself thru the paces last night, I'm feeling it.
Tired and sore is a recipe for relapse, for me at least. But I feel empowered by my good decision not to relapse last night. I'm going to try to hold onto that momentum all day.
Thanks
Pazienza
Active Member
As far as rearranging my life goes, it's more of a philosophy change. I'm trying not to focus so much on just getting thru life, I'm trying to focus on actually enjoying it. I believe life is something to be lived and enjoyed, not something to be merely survived.
This means I'm not paying attention to what I am or am not doing -- as much as I am paying attention to weather or not what I am doing/not doing is serving me.
I want to live, not survive.
This means I'm not paying attention to what I am or am not doing -- as much as I am paying attention to weather or not what I am doing/not doing is serving me.
I want to live, not survive.