Battle Journal

[Pazienza]

I hate talking about porn, because I don't want to waste any time even thinking about it. But today I have had two things happen that relate to it.

First, I had a friend text me a link to a video on pornhub. No idea why, I think it's a funny video or something, because he said "bro, this is hilarious" in the text. The link didn't even tempt me, just made me irritated. I didn't open it, instead I deleted it, and moved on with my day.

Then, just a few minutes ago, my boss walks up and says, "check it out dude" and shows me a bunch of pictures of naked women on his phone. I immediately looked away, and then walked away shaking my head. He was like, "what's the matter?" but I just kept walking. I told him I needed to take a shit, and went to the porta-potty on the jobsite.

I'm sitting in the porta-potty now, writing this

What the fuck man? Lol. We live in a very porn-forward world gentlemen, and I just don't see that changing anytime soon.

Anyways, back to work! I'm still on the wagon, and the shit didn't really trigger me or tempt me. Just made me mad.

Fuck porn

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I hate talking about porn, because I don't want to waste any time even thinking about it. But today I have had two things happen that relate to it.

First, I had a friend text me a link to a video on pornhub. No idea why, I think it's a funny video or something, because he said "bro, this is hilarious" in the text. The link didn't even tempt me, just made me irritated. I didn't open it, instead I deleted it, and moved on with my day.

Then, just a few minutes ago, my boss walks up and says, "check it out dude" and shows me a bunch of pictures of naked women on his phone. I immediately looked away, and then walked away shaking my head. He was like, "what's the matter?" but I just kept walking. I told him I needed to take a shit, and went to the porta-potty on the jobsite.

I'm sitting in the porta-potty now, writing this

What the fuck man? Lol. We live in a very porn-forward world gentlemen, and I just don't see that changing anytime soon.

Anyways, back to work! I'm still on the wagon, and the shit didn't really trigger me or tempt me. Just made me mad.

Fuck porn

I know, man. I have this happening to me all the time. Not so long ago I was stuck in this room at work with a 55 years old man, married for 25 years, who looked at porn and p-subs all day and every 5 minutes he turned his phone to me and said: "Hey man, check this chick out!" He was the perfect Muten Roshi from Dragon Ball, if people understand what I mean.

I had been binging porn like crazy up to that point, I had literally no urges, it didn't make me feel anything, first time it happened I took a look and then looked away and said: "Yeah, whatever, man." He asked me: "You don't watch those things?" I shook my head and said: "No." It's ridiculous how you can lie you don't look at porn or p-subs but you literally binge your brains out when you get home. Talking about the stupid double life. And also talking about how anytime you are talking to someone, chances are he's gonna show you some girl shaking her ass on Tik Tok.

So yes, it's like you're saying: We won't escape this anytime soon. This is an ocean where we are tired of swimming because we are fuckin tired of the cold water all day every day. But we can't dry the ocean, we can just get out of the water. I know, we require maybe even more self-control to deal with this shit now that porn is not only at home, porn is everywhere. It's sick but it is what it is.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

BY the way man, way to go with 1 month clean! Keep up the good work. And yes, FUCK PORN!

 

[Pazienza]

So yes, it's like you're saying: We won't escape this anytime soon.

No, I'm actually saying we can't hide from it. It is all around us at all times -- on billboards, commercials, and in our brains. We escape it when we realize we don't want it.

I remind myself EVERY DAY that I can watch porn if I want to. I can drink if I want to also. By doing this I remind myself that I DON'T want these things, and remember that any desire I may think I feel is just the addicted brain doing it's thing.

By saying "I can't have porn" I am sabotaging myself, because it supports the concept that it is something desirable. It's a lot easier for me to abstain from something I don't want lol.

 

[Pazienza]

BY the way man, way to go with 1 month clean! Keep up the good work. And yes, FUCK PORN!

Thanks man. It's actually been really easy this time around. I started thinking differently which helps a lot

 

[downhillfromhere]

By saying "I can't have porn" I am sabotaging myself, because it supports the concept that it is something desirable. It's a lot easier for me to abstain from something I don't want lol.

This is something I've been thinking about today. As if it's something valuable to any of us, as if it's something you have to sacrifice for a greater good. It's a relief to be rid of it, it's freedom from something we won't really want in the first place! I remember this feeling so well from when I started trying to quit last year. I started off flying, because I was so grateful to be even trying to be rid of it. That's a feeling I want to chase.

 

[Blondie]

Congrats on 30 days @Skittelz. Nice.

 

[Pazienza]

As if it's something valuable to any of us, as if it's something you have to sacrifice for a greater good. It's a relief to be rid of it, it's freedom from something we won't really want in the first place!

I agree 100%. Freedom is the right word to use here, because that's exactly what we find when we realize this is not beneficial in any way.

When I was on this forum last year, it started to seem hopeless. Watching myself and others have relapse after relapse was depressing and I felt like there had to be a better way to fight this.

It felt like not using porn was like holding your breath under water. Sure, it's easy for a few seconds, maybe even 30, or 60. But it's not sustainable, because you have to come up for air eventually. And then when you do, all you feel is shame and regret and you hate yourself. That's a bad loop to get caught in, and it just wrecked my ability to see myself in a good light. It was making me hate myself.

So I went back to the drawing board to find a different way. My counselor told me to not see life thru the lenses of "right/wrong" or "can/can't have" -- and instead look thru the lenses of what I do or don't want. Because people do the things they want to, and don't do the things they don't want to, almost invariably. This advice changed my life.

It took a while to get settled into it and find out what I actually wanted/didn't want. When watched porn, I asked myself, do I want this? When I had emotionally connected sex with my wife I asked myself, do I want this? The answers came easily and after that everything started to fall into place.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

No, I'm actually saying we can't hide from it. It is all around us at all times -- on billboards, commercials, and in our brains. We escape it when we realize we don't want it.

I remind myself EVERY DAY that I can watch porn if I want to. I can drink if I want to also. By doing this I remind myself that I DON'T want these things, and remember that any desire I may think I feel is just the addicted brain doing it's thing.

By saying "I can't have porn" I am sabotaging myself, because it supports the concept that it is something desirable. It's a lot easier for me to abstain from something I don't want lol.

I was actually referring to the same thing but I guess I didn't express myself well. I was not talking about "us not escape porn addiction anytime soon", I was talking about we won't escape "porn everywhere" anytime soon.

 

[Pazienza]

Congrats on 30 days @Skittelz. Nice.

Thank you Blondie! It means a lot

I actually can't believe it's been that long. It feels like I got back on this forum last week, and all of a sudden it's been a month. My how the time flies

 

[Pazienza]

I was actually referring to the same thing but I guess I didn't express myself well. I was not talking about "us not escape porn addiction anytime soon", I was talking about we won't escape "porn everywhere" anytime soon.

Okay, I gotcha bruv. I did misunderstand what you were saying, my fault.

I agree, we will not escape the "porn everywhere" aspect of life. And man is it everywhere

 

[downhillfromhere]

So I went back to the drawing board to find a different way. My counselor told me to not see life thru the lenses of "right/wrong" or "can/can't have" -- and instead look thru the lenses of what I do or don't want. Because people do the things they want to, and don't do the things they don't want to, almost invariably. This advice changed my life.

It took a while to get settled into it and find out what I actually wanted/didn't want. When watched porn, I asked myself, do I want this? When I had emotionally connected sex with my wife I asked myself, do I want this? The answers came easily and after that everything started to fall into place.

Good advice, and something to think about. I distinctly remember thinking to myself during my previous relapse the words "I don't want this" or "Why am I doing this" (I'm not a native english speaker but I do think to myself in english half the time). It really shows me that I'm doing something despite not actually wanting or even needing it, just because the brain is somehow wired to think it's something I should want.

 

[Pazienza]

Good advice, and something to think about. I distinctly remember thinking to myself during my previous relapse the words "I don't want this" or "Why am I doing this" (I'm not a native english speaker but I do think to myself in english half the time). It really shows me that I'm doing something despite not actually wanting or even needing it, just because the brain is somehow wired to think it's something I should want.

Not a native English speaker? That's awesome man, I love meeting new people from other parts of the world!

I am trying to be bilingual myself, I was raised in Arizona, which is heavily populated by Mexicans, so I know a fair amount of Spanish. But I'm not fluent, and I am trying to be.

What is your native tongue?

 

[Pazienza]

I distinctly remember thinking to myself during my previous relapse the words "I don't want this" or "Why am I doing this"

Yes. I have had the exact same thoughts during my relapses. It was so painful to know that I didn't want this, and yet I had to go thru with it. But it is a good pain, I think, because it illustrated perfectly that this was not a habit, but an addiction.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Not a native English speaker? That's awesome man, I love meeting new people from other parts of the world!

I am trying to be bilingual myself, I was raised in Arizona, which is heavily populated by Mexicans, so I know a fair amount of Spanish. But I'm not fluent, and I am trying to be.

What is your native tongue?

Cool, it’s great that you’re learning Spanish! I imagine it’s easier if you’re able to use it now and then, I find it can be really hard to learn if there’s no real world application on a regular basis. Do you get chances to speak a bit of Spanish with people you meet?

I’m Norwegian, and was taught English in school, but the English language has become so ingrained in our culture that it’s natural to speak it anyways. I hear young people nowadays talking in Norwegian, but using English words in almost every sentence. I think it comes from so much exposure to English in social media, combined with a poor vocabulary in Norwegian that makes it easier to just mix them. It’s strange and a little annoying to listen to, at the same time it’s fascinating.

 

[Androg]

Cool, it’s great that you’re learning Spanish! I imagine it’s easier if you’re able to use it now and then, I find it can be really hard to learn if there’s no real world application on a regular basis. Do you get chances to speak a bit of Spanish with people you meet?

I’m Norwegian, and was taught English in school, but the English language has become so ingrained in our culture that it’s natural to speak it anyways. I hear young people nowadays talking in Norwegian, but using English words in almost every sentence. I think it comes from so much exposure to English in social media, combined with a poor vocabulary in Norwegian that makes it easier to just mix them. It’s strange and a little annoying to listen to, at the same time it’s fascinating.

Have you experimented with “Dreaming Spanish?“

It’s a free system that lets you listen to short videos of Spanish at any level you choose. It’s a way to keep the language in your ears.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Okay, I gotcha bruv. I did misunderstand what you were saying, my fault.

I agree, we will not escape the "porn everywhere" aspect of life. And man is it everywhere

No problem, man. Don't worry about it.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I’m Norwegian, and was taught English in school, but the English language has become so ingrained in our culture that it’s natural to speak it anyways. I hear young people nowadays talking in Norwegian, but using English words in almost every sentence. I think it comes from so much exposure to English in social media, combined with a poor vocabulary in Norwegian that makes it easier to just mix them. It’s strange and a little annoying to listen to, at the same time it’s fascinating.

I've heard that people from Sweden/Denmark/Norway can handle English alright. Maybe it's the fact that the languages have similarities/are part of the same family of languages or something like that, am I wrong? That's what I knew.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Not a native English speaker? That's awesome man, I love meeting new people from other parts of the world!

I am trying to be bilingual myself, I was raised in Arizona, which is heavily populated by Mexicans, so I know a fair amount of Spanish. But I'm not fluent, and I am trying to be.

What is your native tongue?

I used to know more Spanish than I do now. Same with French. But I started focusing on becoming fluent in English and they got put on hold.

 

[Pazienza]

I'm feeling some weird stuff today, and a little bit yesterday too. I don't know if you can call them urges, really, but they are something. Mainly just memories of certain videos and images are popping into my head and it's distracting.

I continue to ask myself "do I want this", and the answer is still no. So I don't know why they are happening, but more importantly, why are they happening now?

It is what it is. Today is my first day of vacation, so I've been in a celebratory mood since yesterday. I know that I'm not starting my vacation with porn, that's 100% not happening. These thoughts about porn are in the back of my mind, and I don't feel threatened by them, but I do feel annoyed by them. Like having a little kid constantly pester you for candy that you are not going to give them.

Whatever. I digress.

This weekend is a busy one. We're going to load up all of our floating/fishing gear and pack the canoe for our trip. Then cleaning house, meal prep and last minute chores. Should be a full day. We leave Monday morning for the mountains to explore the cold water streams. We do this every year, and this is one of my favorite weeks. No cellular reception, no phones, no news, just nature. I always return so rejuvenated, and I just can't wait.

Stay up my fellow warriors