Battle Journal

Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 7

Day 3 in a row of running in the morning. I drove my vehicle down the path I run to measure the distance, it's about .4 of a mile. So not a long run, but if I stick with it I should be able to increase the distance slowly. I just don't want to hurt myself, so emphasis on slowly. My goal is to eventually run a mile every day before work.

I see my counselor again today. I feel guilty because I haven't been devoting as much time as I should to my journaling. The journals are important because they are improving my mental state, which then gives me a stronger foundation to build a life on. Like I said yesterday, I need to put my own needs higher up on the list. I haven't been keeping up with them because I have been making the last two weeks a lot harder than they needed to be, by smoking too much and not taking good care of myself physically. I'm hiding from myself and avoiding the much needed soul-searching, because I am afraid of what I might find. Or afraid of what I know is in there, but that I don't want to acknowledge. Hiding serves no purpose, other than hindering forward progress and prolonging the suffering.

No more hiding. Time to face this shit. Easier said than done, but i know I will not reach my destination unless I keep taking steps forward.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 8

4th day of running, and I am thankful to be able to run again. I have missed it.

Yesterday at therapy we talked about my mental cycles, and how they effect my daily outlook. I have a long manic upswing when I am confident and I feel invincible, followed by a long downswing when I am depressed and unmotivated. I often feel like the cycles are unavoidable -- I can feel the changes in my head and I know that the depression is coming. I don't know how to reverse the changes tho, I wish there was a way to recognize the coming downswing and avoid it, but it feels like I have no choice but to go through it and wait it out. I ride this pendulum that is swinging back and forth, and try to survive it, but sometimes I just want to get off of the ride.

The cycles have a huge effect on my addictions, and my ability to keep them in check. When I am on the upswing, I barely even think about porn. If I do think of it, it seems like this stupid thing, and I laugh at the way it used to seem so important to me. When I am on the upswing, it doesn't even tempt me. But then the downswing starts to come into play. Then I begin to think about porn more often, and it doesn't seem so stupid anymore. Now it feels like I miss it, and I want it again. As the pendulum swings lower and lower, these feeling increase, as well as the crushing knowledge of what is coming -- depression, anxiety, and relapse. This tension builds and builds, until I am begging for anything to relieve it, and that's when I start to use drugs more than I should, and don't take care of myself as well. This creates a downward spiral -- I am slowly sliding backwards back into the quicksand that I thought I was out of already. And I can feel it happening, and I hate it because it feels terrible, like being in slow-motion train wreck. Sometimes all I can do is let go and resign to it, and let the train crash.

But then after the train wreck, things change. The pendulum starts to upswing again, I start to feel more alive and things get better. I ride the emotional high wave and try to enjoy it, because I know it won't last forever. The downswing will be back before I know it.

Right now, I'm at the beginning of my upswing. I'd love to stay here on this side of the pendulum forever, but I think it is foolish to even hope for that.

I don't know what else to say. I feel doomed to repeat these cycles for life, and that seems like a bleak outlook. On the positive side, counting streaks and relapses creates a history of these cycles. The streaks are generally the upswings, while the relapses are generally downswings. Of course, this is an oversimplified way of looking at it, but by that logic, things seem to be improving. My streaks have continued to get longer, and the downtime in between has continued to shrink.

That's all I got for today
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
This swing in mood sounds very familiar. I have these too, long periods of days or weeks where it changes from sad and hopeless to upbeat and motivated. It’s so frustrating to go through those downswings when you know you can function better.

Hope that that will get better for you! I know that for me, my periods of good mood have gotten longer and more prevalent ever since I started this recovery.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Skittelz said:
I agree. While I am not glad that you experience the same thing, it is comforting to know that other people feel it as well.

It kind of feels like being trapped on a carnival ride doesn't it?
Click to expand...
Yeah, it's dreadful knowing that any sense of happiness will be followed by the opposite. Then you sort of forget about it when it turns back around and you feel better, and when the mood swings back to negative you're left just wondering what you did wrong, or what you could've done to prevent it - but to me it seems like there's no stopping it once it begins. I feel like it always helps to accept what emotion is present and not try to fight it or bury it even when the darkest thoughts arrive. It's easier said than done though, when you're in the middle of it.

Anyways, keep up the good work you're doing! I really think things will get better the longer we stay away from porn.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 10

I didn't post yesterday, but I should have. I was busier than usual, because I worked Saturday. But the overtime season is upon us, so I will be probably working a lot of weekends in the next few weeks. Anyway, I had a good day, and I was in a good mood. But that is to be expected, because I am in the upswing of my mood cycle. I wish every day I could feel like I do today. I feel confident, positive, and porn doesn't remotely tempt me right now. I'm going to try to just enjoy it, because I don't know how long it will last.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 11

Stacking up another clean day, still feeling the good vibes, and loving this chilly fall weather.

I hauled a truckload of horse shit for my garden yesterday, so my back is sore and stiff today. I will not be running this morning, as I think it could end up injuring me. I will stretch instead, hopefully I can get back to the exercise routine soon tho.

That's it for me today, have a killer Monday y'all
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 12

I feel great today!

I only smoked a few hits of weed last night instead of smoking my brains out, which helps my next-morning vibes greatly. It turns out moderation works pretty well after all 😎

My back is still a little stiff, but I stretched and went for my morning run again, and it feels good to get that routine rolling again. I feel so sluggish before I run, but after I am finished I have plenty of energy and it boosts my mood a lot.

I cooked a hot breakfast for wife, and we sat together and had a nice conversation while we ate. It helped to set my day off in a positive direction, and she said it turned her day around perfectly, so that's a win for sure.

Not thinking about porn, not tempted by it, not even a little bit. Not today, no way, no sir.

Fuck porn
 
the_correct_wolf

the_correct_wolf

Member
Hey Skittelz,

I've thought a lot about these cycles of good and bad moods a lot. I always thought it was inevitable too, just gotta prepare because there's nothing ya can do about it, I think I'm starting to revise my theory though. I have a tendency to repress emotions, distract myself, escape reality, whatever it takes, and I think this is what perpetuates the downward trend. The things you refuse to deal with have a way of sticking around. I've been working on developing my emotional literacy and making a point of processing my emotions as they come up and I haven't been seeing the same pattern. I still get depressed but rather than a general depression I feel guilty for what I've done, I feel remorse for how it affected the people in my life, I regret squandering all the opportunities I had, but I can also still see that I am doing what I need to do, I still have a sense of accomplishment and I want to keep doing what I'm doing. When you don't identify the true source of the negative emotions they bleed over into how you interpret everything else, everything in your life is suddenly shit.

I don't know. give it some thought. Maybe next time you feel the tides start to turn, really dig in and see if you can figure out where it's coming from. Lemmy know if you get anything out of it.

Good luck!
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 13

And another clean day ... It feels good to be back on the path, and to have this renewed sense of determination. I feel in charge of my life, and that porn isn't even remotely tempting to me. I really wish this could last forever, but I know eventually my mind will wander back and I'll have to deal with it then. I don't have a plan for how I will address the issue, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Right now, I'm just appreciative of the good mood, and thankful for the good mental state I am currently in. When I am here in this mindstate it is easier to do the things I need to in order to have a good life. I take better care of myself, making me a more complete and stable person. The more complete I am, the better I am as a husband to my wife. She means the world to me, and making her life better also makes mine better. The better our life gets, the more resources I gain to make it even better, and so on and so forth.

If I could keep the momentum going forever, just think how far I could go. I'm trying not to think about that though, and just be thankful for my present situation.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
I have been journaling about childhood trauma a lot. My therapist is working closely with me on this, we meet twice a month to talk about what I write, and then she gives me new assignments to write about.
My last assignment was writing a letter to my mother, which was fairly easy, because the emotion flowed readily from my mind to the paper. The part that made it difficult to write was the pain it evoked in me. I worked on it in sessions, and almost every session left me in tears. There is so much pain relating to my childhood, pain that for whatever reason I couldn't feel at the time, so I have to feel it now. But after the letter was finished, I noticed that I felt a little lighter, like maybe I removed some trauma? I don't know tho.

My new assignment is to write about my mother again. But this time, I'm supposed to write about the mother I should have had rather than the one I did have. This is more difficult for me, not because of the pain it brings up, but because I don't know what kind of mother she should have been. I have no idea what a normal parent/child dynamic would look like. My sessions on this one seem to be less productive, with a lot more time spent thinking than writing. I'm really struggling to put it into words. I know how I feel, but when I try to describe it the words don't make sense. I get close, but it's very difficult to hit the nerve. I can't tell if I am making any progress or not, but I hope I am. I'll just keep struggling with it, and hopefully I'll make it to the otherside
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 14

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down all day, it was simultaneously a sad day and a good day. Don't ask me how that is possible, because I don't know. All I can say is that I experienced periods of high-energy positive emotion, followed by crushing depressing sadness. I rolled with it as best as I could, but by the end of my shift I couldn't hold it back anymore and broke down. My therapist worked me in for an emergency session in the evening which really helped a lot.

Trauma sucks. That's all I can really say. You can either deal with it, or it will deal with you. Every time I encounter the trauma, I just kick the can down the road so I can encounter it again. Not very wise. I'm so tired of trying to cope with it that I'm ready to put everything else aside and face it head on. Who knows where I would be in life if I wasn't weighed down by this emotional baggage? I'm ready to put in the work to address this issue, finally.

Incomplete, broken men need porn to fill the void. My hope is that when I am a complete & repaired man I won't. I notice that when I do the trauma work my brain is occupied and doesn't even go that direction.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Proud of you @Skittelz, I love how no matter what, you just keep going forward. I tell you what, if I've learned anything in life, that's all we can do, just keep moving forward! I know it's not easy dealing with trauma, but it will make you a better man in the end, and I think that's the key here.
Skittelz said:
Incomplete, broken men need porn to fill the void.
Click to expand...
You're right about that, or at least, we "think" we do.

You're on a hero's journey for sure.

Best to you.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 15

Feeling good today, mentally. Unfortunately I threw my back out yesterday at work so it's sore and stiff today. It's painful working and getting around, but I'm still getting after it pretty well. Bad backs are just part of the territory with construction work. I did not run today, and I will be resting my back after work today. My shit hurts lol

Otherwise, nothing to report on the porn front.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 16

My back hurts like a motherfucker. I worked today, but only for a few hours. If I sit or lay still it doesn't really hurt much, but trying to move my legs or do anything productive is horribly painful. It's so frustrating, having an injury like this that randomly shuts down all productivity for a few days. Fuck it, that's how life is sometimes.

I'm going to need to take a muscle relaxer soon, and that's going to zonk me out for the rest of the day. So I wanted to post for today while I'm still awake.

I haven't really been thinking about porn side of things as much lately, but rather the addiction side of things. When I first encountered the concept of porn addiction, I thought it was a joke. But I have experienced the yucky withdrawals of opiate and cocaine addictions myself, and I was shocked to have many similar symptoms when I stopped using porn. Shakes, sweats, irritability, depression, no taste, etc. This shit is exactly like a drug. And that pains me to say, because I love drugs. But some drugs have side effects that aren't worth the high, and porn is definitely one of them.

Seriously guys, fuck porn
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 17

I slept all afternoon, because that's what muscle relaxers do. My back still hurts pretty bad. I'm a little worried about work on Monday, I might not be able to. I'm going to rest more today and try to let it heal some more, and we'll see how it feels in the morning. There's really not much else I can do.

I had porn dreams last night. I used to have them all the time when I first started rebooting, but I haven't had one in long time. I wonder why.

I really don't have much to say.


Other than this:

Fuck Porn
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Day 18

I have not felt my best today, and that's an understatement. Everything I took to relax my back (muscle relaxers, pain killers, weed) has me feeling really groggy today, especially in the morning. The back pain is still a major factor, and it is bringing me down as much as the meds are. I didn't get enough sleep to get it all out of my system, so I'm feeling pretty heavy today. I almost called in, which is something I never do, and that just shows how bad I'm actually feeling. I probably should have called off work, for safety reasons at least, but I was feeling really triggered to look at porn so I decided to go to work and deal with it. I always seem to be triggered by back pain, because it causes anxiety in me; and being hungover is also a major trigger for me. Taking that into consideration, I feel that going to work was the better option, and I'm glad that I did.

I feel a bit depressed from being medicated and sleeping all weekend. But it was needed in order to rest my back, so I'll call it a necessary evil. I tend to neglect self care, so the fact that I even gave myself time to rest due to an injury is a victory of it's own. And as the day goes on, I can feel the depression rolling back, so I know it is chemical-induced and not anything I should worry about. I will probably be feeling okay again when I wake up
 
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