Pazienza
Active Member
I agree. This is the next stage of recovery, and where my next fight takes place. Fuck it then, let's fight.In other words, you're right where you should be
Thanks for the support
Battle Journal
- Thread starter Pazienza
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Thanks for the support
Pazienza
Active Member
I don't really understand this part tho. Any chance you could clarify the "90 days pattern" for me?
Hi, Skittelz!
The ambivalence toward porn right now, feeling like you're two different people, is exactly the tug-o-war between the lower brain (limbic system) and higher brain (cerebral cortex). The urges come from the lower 'beast-brain' and the more rational part of you is saying, 'No'. You can always veto what the lower brain suggests, which is its dopamine hits.
Hitting your 90 day goal (congrats!) is part of the issue. Now that you hit it, you're like, "What's next?"- it's like you hit your purpose, and so now what... You can either set another goal (120, etc) or just make 'living life without PMO' your forever goal, and just move on. It's like you have to give yourself purpose again, now that the former goal was met.
You can do it. Forgive yourself of whatever slips you've made, and just go on. This thing takes time to train yourself to get over.
The ambivalence toward porn right now, feeling like you're two different people, is exactly the tug-o-war between the lower brain (limbic system) and higher brain (cerebral cortex). The urges come from the lower 'beast-brain' and the more rational part of you is saying, 'No'. You can always veto what the lower brain suggests, which is its dopamine hits.
Hitting your 90 day goal (congrats!) is part of the issue. Now that you hit it, you're like, "What's next?"- it's like you hit your purpose, and so now what... You can either set another goal (120, etc) or just make 'living life without PMO' your forever goal, and just move on. It's like you have to give yourself purpose again, now that the former goal was met.
You can do it. Forgive yourself of whatever slips you've made, and just go on. This thing takes time to train yourself to get over.
Blondie
Respected Member
I just reread the first post you posted here at RN and see you've only had two 90 day streaks, so you can discount what I was "trying to say" lol.
I was just saying you can create a "bad habit" by relapsing every 90 days or so. For myself, for over a year and a half of my life, I fell into the "bad habit" of relapsing every 90 days or so. Obviously, this isn't terrible (I was practically clean), however, it become a habit, thus, I was training my brain to relapse around the 90 day mark. Which is why I thought about mentioning it to you, because for me, the urges only hit me after the 90 day mark.
I hope that clarifies.
Best brother.
I was just saying you can create a "bad habit" by relapsing every 90 days or so. For myself, for over a year and a half of my life, I fell into the "bad habit" of relapsing every 90 days or so. Obviously, this isn't terrible (I was practically clean), however, it become a habit, thus, I was training my brain to relapse around the 90 day mark. Which is why I thought about mentioning it to you, because for me, the urges only hit me after the 90 day mark.
I hope that clarifies.
Best brother.
Pazienza
Active Member
Hey there Phineas!
I don't know, but is this our first correspondence? I have read your journal entries, and you often seem to have a positive outlook on things which helps me out a lot.
I agree with what you wrote so much.
It seems like whenever I reach a major milestone or achieve a goal, my brain switches on me and starts gravitating back to old habits. My last major relapse was immediately following my mechanical license test, which was the biggest goal I had been working towards at the time. And now, as soon as I hit 90 days, my brain want to "celebrate" with another relapse. I really, really, really don't want that to happen.
And it didn't.
I stayed true to myself, and reached out to my wife and the community here on RN, both of which were extremely helpful.
I am setting my new goal now: To make it to 150 days.
Thank you for your help
Pazienza
Active Member
It does help to clarify, thank you. It's kind of you to say I've only had two 90 day streaks, but the truth is that this is my only one so far. But my current streak is still rolling forward, and I hope it continues to do so.
I am stuck in a cycle tho, for sure. A cycle where I abstain from porn for a several months without any real urges, but then I have very powerful urges again after so long without them. These secondary urges seem even stronger than the ones I felt when I first started rebooting. So when I think I'm past the withdrawal symptoms, they come back and blindsided me. I think the key here my be to stop thinking I am past this, and be ready for urges at anytime.
I made it through a very rough weekend without relapsing, and your encouragement was a factor in that success. Thank you
Yes, this is our first interaction. I could just so relate to what it is hitting a goal here on RN, and then afterward the lower brain seems to take advantage of the lack of purpose or plan...
When I first (re-)joined RN in Nov 2020, I hit a 120 day goal, but then by day 139 I lapsed that following March. I think that there was a lot of p-memory or p-nostalgia arising for me at that time, and I didn't have a clear vision for what life was to look like after hitting my goal.
It's possible that so much time can elapse without the unwanted habits that the habits themselves change to where they don't even "lift their head" anymore, but for myself- so many years of having this ingrained habit along with inner brokenness or trauma, this has been a tougher fight for me- but it's getting better and better.
Good job on making it through the recent challenges, and continuing on. Yes, setting a following goal is helpful in this case, and good luck on that! Eventually you'll get a sense that this is in your past, and you can just go on living life- that's where I'm trying to be at now, lol...!
Best!
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 98
Holy shit, that was a rough weekend. But I survived it. If it wasn't for support from my wife and this amazing community here on RN, especially Blondie, Phineas, and Dungalef, I doubt that I would have stayed true. I'm so grateful to have made it to day 98, instead of starting back at zero today.
Let me explain how things went down.
My weekend started great with getting off work early on Friday afternoon, so I took my dog to the park. Next to my wife, my dogs are the most important part of my life, and I am extremely attached to them. Anyways, while we were driving at about 35-40 mph, she randomly leapt out the window of the vehicle for reasons I will never know. She hurt herself pretty bad, lots of blood, and after I got her cleaned up and bandaged I could tell she had a concussion. She was really dazed, and I was super worried she wasn't going to make it thru the night. I felt awful, worried sick, and I blamed myself for letting this happen. The stress of this situation immediately triggered me, because before I would have used PMO to cope with it. I knew that wasn't an option, but my brain was just begging for it. And to make it worse, my wife had night school so I was home alone. It was a long, miserable night for me, I woke up to check on the dog several times and got very little sleep because of the stress. But I made it thru the night without caving, and my dog survived as well. The next morning she ate, drank, and there was no blood in her stool. She's pretty sore, but she's going to be okay.
The next morning, I logged into my reddit account for the first time since I installed blockers, looking to catch up with some old friends . . . and I was greeted with several porn subreddits that I had forgotten about that were leftover from before my reboot. So I was triggered again, and even worse, it was right there in front of me just calling my name. So I exited out immediately. Later I went into my account and I un-followed those pages, and got my feed porn-free. It felt good to successfully navigate the situation without a relapse, but I was incredibly triggered for the rest of the weekend. I just kept thinking about it, obsessively, and it was torturing me. I felt physically sick to my stomach, and had the crack-sweats and everything. It sucked ass.
The next day, enough was enough -- that's when I reached out to the community here and to my wife for help. Just expressing how I felt, and acknowledging my fears of a coming relapse really helped to take away some of the tension. I realized that I am not alone here, and that I can do this. Thank you to everyone who gave me some likes and responses, I can't say it enough. And a special thanks to my wife who advised me to leave my phone at home, shut down the computers, and then she took me out of the house to go enjoy dinner at the history museum. She really helped me turn my head around, thanks babe.
I made it to day 98, and I feel like a stronger man today after fighting thru the triggering. I really hope I never come that close to a relapse again, but if I do I know now that I can get thru it, because I already have.
Now more than ever, FUCK PORN
Holy shit, that was a rough weekend. But I survived it. If it wasn't for support from my wife and this amazing community here on RN, especially Blondie, Phineas, and Dungalef, I doubt that I would have stayed true. I'm so grateful to have made it to day 98, instead of starting back at zero today.
Let me explain how things went down.
My weekend started great with getting off work early on Friday afternoon, so I took my dog to the park. Next to my wife, my dogs are the most important part of my life, and I am extremely attached to them. Anyways, while we were driving at about 35-40 mph, she randomly leapt out the window of the vehicle for reasons I will never know. She hurt herself pretty bad, lots of blood, and after I got her cleaned up and bandaged I could tell she had a concussion. She was really dazed, and I was super worried she wasn't going to make it thru the night. I felt awful, worried sick, and I blamed myself for letting this happen. The stress of this situation immediately triggered me, because before I would have used PMO to cope with it. I knew that wasn't an option, but my brain was just begging for it. And to make it worse, my wife had night school so I was home alone. It was a long, miserable night for me, I woke up to check on the dog several times and got very little sleep because of the stress. But I made it thru the night without caving, and my dog survived as well. The next morning she ate, drank, and there was no blood in her stool. She's pretty sore, but she's going to be okay.
The next morning, I logged into my reddit account for the first time since I installed blockers, looking to catch up with some old friends . . . and I was greeted with several porn subreddits that I had forgotten about that were leftover from before my reboot. So I was triggered again, and even worse, it was right there in front of me just calling my name. So I exited out immediately. Later I went into my account and I un-followed those pages, and got my feed porn-free. It felt good to successfully navigate the situation without a relapse, but I was incredibly triggered for the rest of the weekend. I just kept thinking about it, obsessively, and it was torturing me. I felt physically sick to my stomach, and had the crack-sweats and everything. It sucked ass.
The next day, enough was enough -- that's when I reached out to the community here and to my wife for help. Just expressing how I felt, and acknowledging my fears of a coming relapse really helped to take away some of the tension. I realized that I am not alone here, and that I can do this. Thank you to everyone who gave me some likes and responses, I can't say it enough. And a special thanks to my wife who advised me to leave my phone at home, shut down the computers, and then she took me out of the house to go enjoy dinner at the history museum. She really helped me turn my head around, thanks babe.
I made it to day 98, and I feel like a stronger man today after fighting thru the triggering. I really hope I never come that close to a relapse again, but if I do I know now that I can get thru it, because I already have.
Now more than ever, FUCK PORN
Pazienza
Active Member
Yeah I'm glad too. My dogs are basically my whole life, they go to the grocery store with me, on vacation with us, etc. It hurt my heart so bad to see her all fucked up like that.
Good job, Skittlez! Working through those triggers/urges are really the crux of getting past this, as well as deeper insights.
I'm late to the game, but found out a while back how close to actual P Reddits can be...! If you can navigate that normally, good for you, but I was like, '...damn'! So, not a part of my story now....
Grateful you and your dog are okay.
And, how awesome a wife you have! So grateful that she's there for you like that.
I'm late to the game, but found out a while back how close to actual P Reddits can be...! If you can navigate that normally, good for you, but I was like, '...damn'! So, not a part of my story now....
Grateful you and your dog are okay.
And, how awesome a wife you have! So grateful that she's there for you like that.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Outstanding achievement, man! Very inspiring.
Pazienza
Active Member
I don't know what to say, other than thank you, that's humbling. I like how you put that, "seize control of your life" . . . that's exactly what we're all trying to do here. But it takes a lot of courage and strength to do so, because when we are in control, there is nobody to blame but ourselves when we fuck up.
Pazienza
Active Member
Thanks for the support. And the same to you, I actually get a lot of inspiration from your journals as well
Pazienza
Active Member
Yessir, almost there. Although, I am trying not to think in terms of "there" anymore, in light of our previous conversations. Today I officially set my next goal of 150 days. I will acknowledge that I have come as far as I have, but also state that I have a much, much longer distance to go.
Lets stay porn free for life!
Pazienza
Active Member
Yeah man, I really lucked out with this woman. She's hands down the best thing that ever happened to me.
As far as the Reddit thing goes, and the triggering, I feel like I should say this: My approach to this addiction is unorthodox at best. I occasionally will trigger myself on purpose, or allow myself to be triggered (because lets be honest, it happens) in order to learn how to manage those triggers. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant, and some would say that I am playing with fire unnecessarily. But for me, I think this is a necessary part of recovery. We live in a real world where we have almost no control over what we are exposed to, and I need to be able to live in that world without hiding from it. I work construction and am surrounded by an entire union full of degenerates, for lack of a better word. Porn is not only acceptable, but encouraged, and it is not uncommon to have pornographic material texted to me or shared with me at lunch break. Actually, there are even Penthouse calendars on the walls of the workshop, and pictures cut from porno magazines taped to the mirror in the bathroom. These triggering things cannot be removed, only dealt with. I'm not going to quit my job, because I love what I do, and I need to have close relationships with my coworkers in order to do my job well. So the goal, for me, is to be able to be surrounded by triggers on a regular basis and manage them. I have actually seen porn since I started rebooting, and a few times in the past it has caused me to relapse. But I am getting better and better every day at rejecting it when I see it. I find that the more I get comfortable with triggers, the better I am at not letting them control my life. Just because I see some porn does not mean I need to click on it, or watch more of it, or masturbate, or anything . . . it just means I have to say "I don't want this" and remove it from my sight, and then get on with my day.
This is probably not an advisable plan for many people, and I admit, it can make the path really hard. Everyones journey is unique, and therefore their recovery plan should be unique as well. For me, this is the way to freedom.
I quit drinking a 4 years ago, and I can mix a drink for my wife now without any mental turmoil. The reason I can do that, is because I really, truly, don't want it. It took a long time, but I made it. I hope to say the same thing about porn someday.
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