Battle Journal
- Thread starter Pazienza
- Start date
Pazienza
Active Member
I'm doing ok. I quit the "porn recovery" game, deleted the blockers and got back on Reddit.
I can't live behind a wall, hiding from the world due to a fear of porn. Porn exists, nothing we can do about it. I got back out into the world, and that's where I will stay.
I'm still clean, not using porn, and plan to stay that way. As positive as this community is, I just got tired of endless day counting, relapses, feelings of hopelessness ... Basically, I got tired of trying to quit porn, and decided to actually do it.
For me, this means moving on with life. Not wasting any more time on it, or even thinking about it. I will be back from time to time to check in on everyone, but for now I am focused on my actual life, not porn.
It's behind me. I may slip up in the future, who knows. But if I do, I'll get back up and move on.
I am building a new life for me and my wife. To celebrate this new life, we are going on a peaceful getaway vacation to the islands. Planning this vacation, and my new life is more rewarding than counting the days until my next relapse.
I'm sorry if this is too much honesty.
Respect and peace brother
Pazienza
Active Member
Hey guys what's up, I'm back to post an update.
These last few months have been kind of rough. Overall life is good, really good actually . . . but there have been some extremely hard things to get thru.
My sister has two very young children and she is struggling with their upbringing. We have all gone above and beyond to help and offer advice and support, but she refuses to do anything to make any improvements in their life. And her boyfriend is a lazy, deadbeat, piece of shit who apparently doesn't care about his own children. My one nephew is about 10 months old, and he has already almost died twice from malnutrition and neglect. DCFS took the children away, and put the parents on a probationary period last year, but they have the children back now. And they are already back to the same shitty parenting, so I doubt that this situation will improve. I feel like it is only a matter of time before they get taken away, this time for good. The foster system in america is lousy at best, I know this from experience. DCFS will most likely remove the children from their current bad situation, and put them in a worse one. There is no happy ending here.
I am angry with my sister -- extremely angry -- but I also love her and hate to see the pain and the poverty she is in. More than that though, I am worried about the children. It is not their fault that their parents are shit, and they don't deserve the life they are being forced into. I feel helpless and depressed and sad. Extremely sad. I spend a lot of time swinging between anger and crying from depression.
I started EMDR therapy about 3 months ago. It is an intense form of "Trauma-Removal" used in psychiatry. It is very painful to go thru, and very triggering, but also very healing. The sessions are difficult to get thru, and sometimes it takes a few days after to feel okay again. We are going back to the scenes from my childhood, so that I can feel all the emotions that needed to be felt then, and discharge them so they aren't poisoning me anymore. This is a good thing, but also a bad thing -- because with EMDR things get worse before they get better. It's kind of like I'm taking heavy doses of the poison in my psyche and trying my best to stay calm until the effects pass. While simultaneously dealing with the normal stresses of work and life in general, so its easy to lose my balance and bearing.
This balance is where I am struggling the most. My addictions have been attacking at me all at the same time. My drug usage has escalated to an alarming rate, and I am finding it harder to stay away from opiates. This part is especially frustrating, because I have been clean from opiates for years now.
When I last posted, I was able to maintain a few porn-free months at a time, with small relapses in between. I don't know if you can really call them relapses, because I seem to have broken the masturbation habit. When I "relapse", I only look at pornographic material but I don't jerk off. Which makes me wonder what I'm even getting out of it, and why I am being pulled back to it. Even without masturbation, I find that the porn still takes over my life and changes my priorities -- so I count a relapse as anytime I willingly look at porn, regardless of masturbation. At any rate, my porn usage has been getting out of control again. My streaks are getting shorter, and my relapses are lasting longer before I get them under control again. When I used to relapse, I would get back on the wagon the next day, or sometimes the same day. Now it takes a few days to get back on my feet, and this last one took me about two weeks. So I can definitely say I am backsliding.
Overall, I am happy with my progress in therapy, and in my personal life. I am more grounded, more confident, less reactionary, and my chronic insomnia seems to be cured, which is a huge improvement. I kind of knew that when I started EMDR I would be heavily triggered, and that urges and relapses would probably come more frequently as a result. Maybe admitting that gave me an excuse to relapse, or maybe it was showing myself compassion, I don't know. All I can say is, EMDR is landing me in a better place in life and healing my pain, so if this is a side-effect, I'll take it. With the trauma removed or reduced, I feel more confident and equipped to live a better life. I think I am in a better position to take on the porn monster now, and I intend to do just that.
Today I am on day 4. It feels good to be back on top again.
These last few months have been kind of rough. Overall life is good, really good actually . . . but there have been some extremely hard things to get thru.
My sister has two very young children and she is struggling with their upbringing. We have all gone above and beyond to help and offer advice and support, but she refuses to do anything to make any improvements in their life. And her boyfriend is a lazy, deadbeat, piece of shit who apparently doesn't care about his own children. My one nephew is about 10 months old, and he has already almost died twice from malnutrition and neglect. DCFS took the children away, and put the parents on a probationary period last year, but they have the children back now. And they are already back to the same shitty parenting, so I doubt that this situation will improve. I feel like it is only a matter of time before they get taken away, this time for good. The foster system in america is lousy at best, I know this from experience. DCFS will most likely remove the children from their current bad situation, and put them in a worse one. There is no happy ending here.
I am angry with my sister -- extremely angry -- but I also love her and hate to see the pain and the poverty she is in. More than that though, I am worried about the children. It is not their fault that their parents are shit, and they don't deserve the life they are being forced into. I feel helpless and depressed and sad. Extremely sad. I spend a lot of time swinging between anger and crying from depression.
I started EMDR therapy about 3 months ago. It is an intense form of "Trauma-Removal" used in psychiatry. It is very painful to go thru, and very triggering, but also very healing. The sessions are difficult to get thru, and sometimes it takes a few days after to feel okay again. We are going back to the scenes from my childhood, so that I can feel all the emotions that needed to be felt then, and discharge them so they aren't poisoning me anymore. This is a good thing, but also a bad thing -- because with EMDR things get worse before they get better. It's kind of like I'm taking heavy doses of the poison in my psyche and trying my best to stay calm until the effects pass. While simultaneously dealing with the normal stresses of work and life in general, so its easy to lose my balance and bearing.
This balance is where I am struggling the most. My addictions have been attacking at me all at the same time. My drug usage has escalated to an alarming rate, and I am finding it harder to stay away from opiates. This part is especially frustrating, because I have been clean from opiates for years now.
When I last posted, I was able to maintain a few porn-free months at a time, with small relapses in between. I don't know if you can really call them relapses, because I seem to have broken the masturbation habit. When I "relapse", I only look at pornographic material but I don't jerk off. Which makes me wonder what I'm even getting out of it, and why I am being pulled back to it. Even without masturbation, I find that the porn still takes over my life and changes my priorities -- so I count a relapse as anytime I willingly look at porn, regardless of masturbation. At any rate, my porn usage has been getting out of control again. My streaks are getting shorter, and my relapses are lasting longer before I get them under control again. When I used to relapse, I would get back on the wagon the next day, or sometimes the same day. Now it takes a few days to get back on my feet, and this last one took me about two weeks. So I can definitely say I am backsliding.
Overall, I am happy with my progress in therapy, and in my personal life. I am more grounded, more confident, less reactionary, and my chronic insomnia seems to be cured, which is a huge improvement. I kind of knew that when I started EMDR I would be heavily triggered, and that urges and relapses would probably come more frequently as a result. Maybe admitting that gave me an excuse to relapse, or maybe it was showing myself compassion, I don't know. All I can say is, EMDR is landing me in a better place in life and healing my pain, so if this is a side-effect, I'll take it. With the trauma removed or reduced, I feel more confident and equipped to live a better life. I think I am in a better position to take on the porn monster now, and I intend to do just that.
Today I am on day 4. It feels good to be back on top again.
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Good luck with your struggle.
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 7
One week under the belt. I have not had any cravings or urges the entire time, so it's been easy. I feel good about it, but still apprehensive about the future. I fear the cravings will come back and derail me again.
I don't really like this community we have here. It's a good start, but I dunno, I feel like there's something missing. That's why I left last year, to try to find something else.
Im unsure why I'm back, maybe I'm just desperate. But returning kind of feels like starting over, or going in circles. That sucks.
Things I have found that work though -- Going to trauma therapy, going to yoga classes twice a week, training my dogs, canoeing, gardening, and banging my wife. You know, simple pleasures. These are the things that porn removes from my life, and I miss them when I am stuck in the trap. Having something good to miss has been extremely helpful in pulling me back out when I slip up.
Therapy has helped the most. And yoga has been great for calming my anxious mind. My garden is huge, and I feed myself it's bounty daily.
All I can do is try new things. Do the things that help, and avoid the things that don't. I signed up for a porn addicts anonymous group, I'll be going to my first meeting on Saturday.
One week under the belt. I have not had any cravings or urges the entire time, so it's been easy. I feel good about it, but still apprehensive about the future. I fear the cravings will come back and derail me again.
I don't really like this community we have here. It's a good start, but I dunno, I feel like there's something missing. That's why I left last year, to try to find something else.
Im unsure why I'm back, maybe I'm just desperate. But returning kind of feels like starting over, or going in circles. That sucks.
Things I have found that work though -- Going to trauma therapy, going to yoga classes twice a week, training my dogs, canoeing, gardening, and banging my wife. You know, simple pleasures. These are the things that porn removes from my life, and I miss them when I am stuck in the trap. Having something good to miss has been extremely helpful in pulling me back out when I slip up.
Therapy has helped the most. And yoga has been great for calming my anxious mind. My garden is huge, and I feed myself it's bounty daily.
All I can do is try new things. Do the things that help, and avoid the things that don't. I signed up for a porn addicts anonymous group, I'll be going to my first meeting on Saturday.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @Skittelz, I'm glad to see you're back and are doing well. I remember you talking about starting therapy last time you were here, and that it really started to bring up many emotions and trauma from your past, which makes complete sense. I think it's great that you're going through that, and facing those demons head on, no matter what triggers it might bring as a result, or even a relapse or two. In the end, it will definitely be worth it.
Best
Blondie
I get this. This place isn't perfect, and it has its ups and downs (but what place doesn't?), but as far as I'm concerned, its strengths far outweigh its negatives. I think everyone has to do what is best for their own recovery. Different people and different personalities need different things, which is only human to be honest. I know for me, one thing that keeps me going and coming back here is the attitude of trying to give more than trying to get something in return. Now I'm not saying you're NOT giving to this community, I'm only saying that that is my own personally philosophy, that's all. When I've show up here trying to help and encourage others over this last year or so, I've always received considerably more from this place than when I have not, and this goes to any place or community in life, not just here. So if you do decide to leave, I get it, but keep that in mind to whatever place you find yourself in.
Fucking sweet dude, awesome! You're right about this, focusing on only quitting porn is a fools errand. What we need is to embrace life and all its joys and pleasures, and NOT only focus on what we don't want to do.
This is great.
Best
Blondie
jonazo91
Active Member
It has the normal pitfalls of an online community. Different personalities that clash sometimes and without the face to face interaction that helps you to temper your words with tone and body language, plus the detachment of anonymity. I do think everyone I've come across here is genuine and trying their best to quit and encourage others to be their best. I ought to post here more often and encourage others, I use it mostly just for my own journal these days. But as far as online communities I think you could do a lot worse.
Pazienza
Active Member
Maybe I should chose my words better in the future -- I feel like I might have touched a nerve. When I say I don't like this community, I don't mean that this community has anything wrong with it. It's a mostly positive community, and yes, there are far worse online communities to be a part of. It is also true that what you get out of this community is reflected by what you give. It has been a very accepting and supportive community, and I would not have gotten as far as I have without it.
What I mean is that Reboot Nation feels kind of like rehab, and while rehab is also a positive place, nobody wants to return there. I don't like being here fighting a battle I thought I had already won. It's hard to accept that this struggle is still continues, and even harder to accept that I have fallen as far as I have. Being a part of this community forces me to accept that, and I don't like that. But that's actually MY problem, not the communities. And it's just a part of the long road that we are all on. I don't want to hurt or discourage anyone, so I'll try to explain myself better in the future.
What I mean is that Reboot Nation feels kind of like rehab, and while rehab is also a positive place, nobody wants to return there. I don't like being here fighting a battle I thought I had already won. It's hard to accept that this struggle is still continues, and even harder to accept that I have fallen as far as I have. Being a part of this community forces me to accept that, and I don't like that. But that's actually MY problem, not the communities. And it's just a part of the long road that we are all on. I don't want to hurt or discourage anyone, so I'll try to explain myself better in the future.
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Hi Skittelz,
I've struggling with similar feelings myself over recent months. The feeling of futility reporting relapse after relapse, not seeing or experiencing more immediate, tangible dividends of participating, sometimes even being discouraged by what could be easily interpreted as the discouraging, attacking words of others.
As tough as it can be to face, I think a huge source of this discomfort is the real and often uncomfortable accountability for our actions that positing on this forum brings.
Relapsing in secrecy, in a vacuum, is inwardly disappointing & painful but it's a whole other thing to post about it and, through the advice & comments of others, to have this stark reality reflected back at us. Often when we're in hard times, this reality is the last thing we want to hear.
In this sense, I think many of the things that can make this place so frustrating or unpleasant to visit are actually the things we need. We NEED accountability, we NEED to be challenged and we need to face the reality that when we fuck up, we've fucked up and the only way forward is to find a compassionate but also constructive & mature way to move forward.
I also think that this addiction as well as this journal is can be a very isolating & lonely one. We don't always receive the understanding & compassion from others when we need it the most but there is always connection to be found in giving back & helping others. This forum provides the opportunity to do this.
I do think people get different things from being here and perhaps in some cases those reasons aren't the healthiest or constructive. But they have their choice to make and we, no matter how bad our situation, will always have ours.
That's what I think anyway and that's why i'm back.
Wishing you well
Orbiter
I've struggling with similar feelings myself over recent months. The feeling of futility reporting relapse after relapse, not seeing or experiencing more immediate, tangible dividends of participating, sometimes even being discouraged by what could be easily interpreted as the discouraging, attacking words of others.
As tough as it can be to face, I think a huge source of this discomfort is the real and often uncomfortable accountability for our actions that positing on this forum brings.
Relapsing in secrecy, in a vacuum, is inwardly disappointing & painful but it's a whole other thing to post about it and, through the advice & comments of others, to have this stark reality reflected back at us. Often when we're in hard times, this reality is the last thing we want to hear.
In this sense, I think many of the things that can make this place so frustrating or unpleasant to visit are actually the things we need. We NEED accountability, we NEED to be challenged and we need to face the reality that when we fuck up, we've fucked up and the only way forward is to find a compassionate but also constructive & mature way to move forward.
I also think that this addiction as well as this journal is can be a very isolating & lonely one. We don't always receive the understanding & compassion from others when we need it the most but there is always connection to be found in giving back & helping others. This forum provides the opportunity to do this.
I do think people get different things from being here and perhaps in some cases those reasons aren't the healthiest or constructive. But they have their choice to make and we, no matter how bad our situation, will always have ours.
That's what I think anyway and that's why i'm back.
Wishing you well
Orbiter
Pazienza
Active Member
I was feeling great for the last two days, high energy and extremely positive vibes all around. But unfortunately the good never lasts, and I crashed last night. Ive been crying and crying, I feel like I can't stop. Nothing outwardly changed, it's like a dark cloud moved in and pushed my sunshine away. This morning was the worst, and it makes me feel like a crazy person.
My therapist told me yesterday that she believes I am bipolar. I should consider seeing a psychiatrist so I can get the meds I need, she said.
This absolutely terrifies me. I don't trust doctors, especially psychiatrists.
They just write scrips and tell you the pills will help. They don't tell you what they will really do to you tho. They don't tell you that once you get on them your dick won't work, or that you will become a zombie, or that you will get addicted to them. And then later, they take you off of them and you spin out into withdrawals and your whole world starts falling apart worse than it was before.
Last time I let one of them treat me they put me on a pill with no warnings about the extreme sleep deprivation it could cause, and I fell asleep at the wheel. I could have died, and they could care less.
So today I'm in a strange place. I feel like doing the trauma work has helped, but it can only do so much. Now I need to consider medication . . . and the whole thing just reinforces the notion that I am a defective leper who need meds to feel right. That isn't very helpful in boosting my internal image of myself.
I dunno what to do, really. So ... I'm going to do nothing, and wait until the answer comes to me. That's my go-to move, and I'll keep using it today.
I have a shitload of trees that need to be removed on my property, before they fall and kill someone or damage the fence or house. The storms these last few weeks have been brutal, leaving me with a lot of damage to fix and messes to clean up. So I figure it would be good to stay busy. Being productive always makes the time pass faster and helps me feel better about life. It's empowering to remember that we can do a lot of good with these hands.
Day 10. I have no urges for porn.
My therapist told me yesterday that she believes I am bipolar. I should consider seeing a psychiatrist so I can get the meds I need, she said.
This absolutely terrifies me. I don't trust doctors, especially psychiatrists.
They just write scrips and tell you the pills will help. They don't tell you what they will really do to you tho. They don't tell you that once you get on them your dick won't work, or that you will become a zombie, or that you will get addicted to them. And then later, they take you off of them and you spin out into withdrawals and your whole world starts falling apart worse than it was before.
Last time I let one of them treat me they put me on a pill with no warnings about the extreme sleep deprivation it could cause, and I fell asleep at the wheel. I could have died, and they could care less.
So today I'm in a strange place. I feel like doing the trauma work has helped, but it can only do so much. Now I need to consider medication . . . and the whole thing just reinforces the notion that I am a defective leper who need meds to feel right. That isn't very helpful in boosting my internal image of myself.
I dunno what to do, really. So ... I'm going to do nothing, and wait until the answer comes to me. That's my go-to move, and I'll keep using it today.
I have a shitload of trees that need to be removed on my property, before they fall and kill someone or damage the fence or house. The storms these last few weeks have been brutal, leaving me with a lot of damage to fix and messes to clean up. So I figure it would be good to stay busy. Being productive always makes the time pass faster and helps me feel better about life. It's empowering to remember that we can do a lot of good with these hands.
Day 10. I have no urges for porn.
Blondie
Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @Skittelz, I'm not sure what to tell you on this one. I kind of feel the same way about psychiatrists and their so called medications, and have many doubts about the good they supposedly do. I wouldn't be surprised if a therapist would tell me I'm somewhat prone to depression, even though it's usually because of circumstantial stuff in my life. Either way, taking any kind of medicine for something I've managed so far in my 40 years of life just doesn't seem to be worth it considering all the other bullshit that might happen along with it. I keep hoping the more I get my life together, the better (the less) those symptoms will be.
Yes, nothing wrong with sitting on this for a while and thinking about it.
I couldn't agree more. Just staying busy is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves. Too much over thinking is my problem.
Best man
Pazienza
Active Member
Yesterday was a good day, even though it started off rough. I grabbed a joint while I was out buying chainsaw blades, and smoked on it nice and slow throughout the day. I got a lot of work done on the downed trees, and got a fire going which I used to burn the brush. It was nice to be outside accomplishing something, and just kind of zone out and listen to my music.
Afterwards my dog and I went hiking at a State Wildlife park nearby. We did 4 miles of trails thru the woods and along a cold-water stream. Getting out in nature always helps, and this was no exception.
Today will be more tree removal. My best friend is coming over to help, it will be good to spend some time with him and get some work done.
I dreamed last night that I was watching porn on my phone. I woke up, and I was quite distraught about it because I thought it was real. Once I realized it was a dream, I was so relieved! I went back to sleep and slept happily for the rest of the night
Afterwards my dog and I went hiking at a State Wildlife park nearby. We did 4 miles of trails thru the woods and along a cold-water stream. Getting out in nature always helps, and this was no exception.
Today will be more tree removal. My best friend is coming over to help, it will be good to spend some time with him and get some work done.
I dreamed last night that I was watching porn on my phone. I woke up, and I was quite distraught about it because I thought it was real. Once I realized it was a dream, I was so relieved! I went back to sleep and slept happily for the rest of the night
Pazienza
Active Member
Still doing good, still clean. Day 25.
Working this weekend, and been busy all week with re-sealing the canoe and getting ready for our anniversary vacation. I have had no cravings.
We're staying at a working ranch out in the country near the Current river. Really beautiful country out there with lots of natural springs feeding the streams and excellent floating/fishing opportunities. We love being in nature, and especially in the water. I plan on unplugging from the irrelevance of modern society and enjoying the calm of a slower pace. No screens, no internet, -- just me and her and nature. I'm sure we will probably fit a mushroom trip in there at some point too
Can't hardly wait . . .
Working this weekend, and been busy all week with re-sealing the canoe and getting ready for our anniversary vacation. I have had no cravings.
We're staying at a working ranch out in the country near the Current river. Really beautiful country out there with lots of natural springs feeding the streams and excellent floating/fishing opportunities. We love being in nature, and especially in the water. I plan on unplugging from the irrelevance of modern society and enjoying the calm of a slower pace. No screens, no internet, -- just me and her and nature. I'm sure we will probably fit a mushroom trip in there at some point too
Can't hardly wait . . .
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
That sounds incredible, that’s something to look forward to! And good job on 25 days 
Pazienza
Active Member
Yeah it really is incredible. There's a few stretches of river that are just unbelievably beautiful, and the water is ice-cold and super clean. Always good for swimming in a hot day, and quite romantic if you find a lady who appreciates nature. Luckily, that's the kind of lady I have.That sounds incredible, that’s something to look forward to! And good job on 25 days
Thanks for the reply and the encouragement!
Pazienza
Active Member
I had a great weekend.
We both worked Saturday which is actually a good thing so we can stack up a little extra money for vacation next week. I got a overly stoned after work on Saturday, I do regret that, but it's only a minor disappointment. Sunday was a full day of productivity, starting with an hour of yoga at the studio. I got the final caulking on the canoe, so it is done at last! Then we did a major harvest on the fruit trees. We picked and stored away about 35lbs of pears from our trees. I also cooked the rest of the zucchini we harvested last week. I ended up with 6 loaves of zucchini bread. We cooked for a few hours and got all of our meals for the week prepped so it will be an easy week food-wise.
The weekend left me with a feeling of gratitude and abundance. The garden, the fruit trees, the canoe . . . these are all things we have been working on for a long time and they are finally starting to pay off. I feel like we have worked hard to build this life for ourselves, and now all we have to do is enjoy it.
We both worked Saturday which is actually a good thing so we can stack up a little extra money for vacation next week. I got a overly stoned after work on Saturday, I do regret that, but it's only a minor disappointment. Sunday was a full day of productivity, starting with an hour of yoga at the studio. I got the final caulking on the canoe, so it is done at last! Then we did a major harvest on the fruit trees. We picked and stored away about 35lbs of pears from our trees. I also cooked the rest of the zucchini we harvested last week. I ended up with 6 loaves of zucchini bread. We cooked for a few hours and got all of our meals for the week prepped so it will be an easy week food-wise.
The weekend left me with a feeling of gratitude and abundance. The garden, the fruit trees, the canoe . . . these are all things we have been working on for a long time and they are finally starting to pay off. I feel like we have worked hard to build this life for ourselves, and now all we have to do is enjoy it.
Pazienza
Active Member
30 days today. It's been a while since I had a good streak like this, and it feels good to be back on the path.
I feel strange this morning. Not depressed, it's not that bad, but kinda just melancholy and somewhat unmotivated. Maybe it's burnout, I have been going pretty hard the last few weeks. It could also just be a mood swing, which happens fairly often. I dunno.
I woke up before my alarm and noticed the difference immediately. I felt lonely, and I wanted to feel a body, or have someone touch me. So I rolled over and cuddled with the wife and felt her breathing while she slept. It helped me relax, and I even dozed off a little until the alarm woke me up. That was a good move and I think it helped.
I have yoga today, after work. I think yoga is something every addict should do, regardless of the addiction. It's good for the mind, body, and soul -- and it greatly speeds up the healing process. Actually now that I think of it, last Thursday I was feeling pretty down as well, and my yoga class pulled me out of it. So I'm glad I have yoga today, maybe it will help build me up again.
I feel strange this morning. Not depressed, it's not that bad, but kinda just melancholy and somewhat unmotivated. Maybe it's burnout, I have been going pretty hard the last few weeks. It could also just be a mood swing, which happens fairly often. I dunno.
I woke up before my alarm and noticed the difference immediately. I felt lonely, and I wanted to feel a body, or have someone touch me. So I rolled over and cuddled with the wife and felt her breathing while she slept. It helped me relax, and I even dozed off a little until the alarm woke me up. That was a good move and I think it helped.
I have yoga today, after work. I think yoga is something every addict should do, regardless of the addiction. It's good for the mind, body, and soul -- and it greatly speeds up the healing process. Actually now that I think of it, last Thursday I was feeling pretty down as well, and my yoga class pulled me out of it. So I'm glad I have yoga today, maybe it will help build me up again.