Battle Journal
- Thread starter Pazienza
- Start date
Pazienza
Active Member
Just got home from work.
I went and grabbed the flash drive and plugged it into my laptop. There are other important files, not porn, that are on there as well so I moved them to my desktop. Then I opened the file with the porn clips. At first, I wanted to watch them. Like, my heart started beating fast and I got all excited. Then I asked myself, do I actually want this in my life? I opened each one, exited out immediately, and then unplugged the flash drive.
I took it out on the back porch and smashed it with a concrete hammer. I destroyed that motherfucker. Good riddance.
I feel good about it. Kind of sad, a little inside, but not as much as I thought I would be. The fact that I almost started watching the videos after everything I've been thru ... that alone tells me I made the right decision. It makes me a little angry at myself as well, but that's a wasted emotion.
Overall, I feel ... Free. Yeah, free. It's a good feeling.
I went and grabbed the flash drive and plugged it into my laptop. There are other important files, not porn, that are on there as well so I moved them to my desktop. Then I opened the file with the porn clips. At first, I wanted to watch them. Like, my heart started beating fast and I got all excited. Then I asked myself, do I actually want this in my life? I opened each one, exited out immediately, and then unplugged the flash drive.
I took it out on the back porch and smashed it with a concrete hammer. I destroyed that motherfucker. Good riddance.
I feel good about it. Kind of sad, a little inside, but not as much as I thought I would be. The fact that I almost started watching the videos after everything I've been thru ... that alone tells me I made the right decision. It makes me a little angry at myself as well, but that's a wasted emotion.
Overall, I feel ... Free. Yeah, free. It's a good feeling.
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 4
I feel free today, for the most part. My mind still goes back and forth between feeling free and sad. I occasionally will remember a certain porn scene and feel some sense of loss that I won't be able to watch it anymore. Then I reminded myself that there is nothing to regret, because those videos are only the bait in a dangerous trap. And that the only purpose that they serve is enslavement, and I am free now. Then I try to think of what I want to do now that I am not being enslaved by porn. I'm trying to change the way I think about this.
I come from a background of criminality. The people I used to hang out with every day were drug dealers, gang members, murderers and drug addicts. I was a few of those things myself, unfortunately. Coming from that background, I have a different perspective on freedom. I have seen so many men go to prison, and hate every minute of it. They long for freedom more than anything else, but when they get released, they panic and do anything they can to go back to prison. They hate prison, but they are familiar with it, so it feels safer than the unfamiliarity of the free world.
I see it happen with myself and others in this porn addiction as well.
Getting free is hard, but staying free is even harder. Freedom isn't free, it's actually a lot of work. As a free man escaping bondage, you have to learn to be free and recognize that it will take time and work. When you are addicted, you only think about one thing: your vice. When you are free, you have to think about everything else. It's a lot to think about, and it comes at you all at once. It's easy to get overwhelmed, and the panic alone is enough to make a person want to run back to their cell ... only because it's familiar.
If I am honest with myself, freedom feels a little strange right now. But I will deal with it, because I fought hard to get it. It's mine, as long as I don't give it away.
Lets stay free guys
I feel free today, for the most part. My mind still goes back and forth between feeling free and sad. I occasionally will remember a certain porn scene and feel some sense of loss that I won't be able to watch it anymore. Then I reminded myself that there is nothing to regret, because those videos are only the bait in a dangerous trap. And that the only purpose that they serve is enslavement, and I am free now. Then I try to think of what I want to do now that I am not being enslaved by porn. I'm trying to change the way I think about this.
I come from a background of criminality. The people I used to hang out with every day were drug dealers, gang members, murderers and drug addicts. I was a few of those things myself, unfortunately. Coming from that background, I have a different perspective on freedom. I have seen so many men go to prison, and hate every minute of it. They long for freedom more than anything else, but when they get released, they panic and do anything they can to go back to prison. They hate prison, but they are familiar with it, so it feels safer than the unfamiliarity of the free world.
I see it happen with myself and others in this porn addiction as well.
Getting free is hard, but staying free is even harder. Freedom isn't free, it's actually a lot of work. As a free man escaping bondage, you have to learn to be free and recognize that it will take time and work. When you are addicted, you only think about one thing: your vice. When you are free, you have to think about everything else. It's a lot to think about, and it comes at you all at once. It's easy to get overwhelmed, and the panic alone is enough to make a person want to run back to their cell ... only because it's familiar.
If I am honest with myself, freedom feels a little strange right now. But I will deal with it, because I fought hard to get it. It's mine, as long as I don't give it away.
Lets stay free guys
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Well said things, man.
That's exactly what it is: A lot of people report feeling a sense of deep sadness thinking about completely giving up porn like losing a close family member. It's crazy that all this is just pleasure, yet we feel like we're losing something. We're losing nothing. Porn has never given us something so of course there is nothing to actually lose.
It's also true that a lot of people (myself included) have a fear of change because change is unknown and it requires work, the same old is familiar and it doesn't require much work to maintain it. But it creates this circle where you spin around, you want to escape that but you are actually scared to do it. Courage is very important in this, I guess. Courage is doing what you have to do even if you are afraid.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
And yes, by the way, quitting porn is only the beginning for some people, it's not the end of all their problems, but it's the key that opens the door for them and the problems won't seem mountains anymore. Porn makes you afraid.
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 0
I'm pretty angry at myself today. I feel like a real piece of shit, and it's hard to have any nice thoughts about myself.
I slipped up again last night. I am really feeling like something is wrong with me. Everything was going good, right up until it wasn't. I hate this, I feel trapped. Like I said, staying free is the hard part, I just can't seem to do it.
I guess somewhat good news is that I will start seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction and compulsive behavior or Tuesday. I'm want to win this battle, and I truly feel like I can't do this on my own. Maybe a therapist could be helpful, I'm willing to try anything at this point
I'm pretty angry at myself today. I feel like a real piece of shit, and it's hard to have any nice thoughts about myself.
I slipped up again last night. I am really feeling like something is wrong with me. Everything was going good, right up until it wasn't. I hate this, I feel trapped. Like I said, staying free is the hard part, I just can't seem to do it.
I guess somewhat good news is that I will start seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction and compulsive behavior or Tuesday. I'm want to win this battle, and I truly feel like I can't do this on my own. Maybe a therapist could be helpful, I'm willing to try anything at this point
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I know how this goes. I start feeling actually pretty good about myself as the streak goes on but then when I binge, I crash like a MIG and I revert back to beating myself in the head. People around the forum come and tell me I'm being too hard on myself, that I should be nice to myself and give myself a hug and I am exasperated by this because all I want in that moment is to bury myself
You know, do you know William's thread on Reboot Nation? It's helped me a lot, if you haven;t yet, you should check it out, it has many pages but even the first few pages are gold. He is one of the reasons why I've exceeded my pathetic streaks.
Simon2
Well-Known Member
I experience it too. I feel like a part of me doesn't believe I DESERVE to feel better. When things start going well I have this deep need to destroy them. It's like I'm scared of living a better life because you know - I'll screw it up eventually anyway. Not sure you have that feeling too - but if you do, finding out where that comes from could be very helpful in therapy? Get back on the horse! - you made a huge step when you took that hammer to the problem! You can be stronger in this next streak!
Blondie
Respected Member
Sorry to hear about your relapse Skittelz.
All you can do is get back up and keep on moving.
Ask yourself why? What do you get out of it? Do/did you get anything out of it?
This process is a journey of self reflection. You're doing good man and try to not to be too hard on yourself.
Best
All you can do is get back up and keep on moving.
This could be good. Do whatever it takes to solve the inner issues of why you keep going back to porn. Like you say, it's not hard to quit much these days anymore, but it's going back to it after a good streak that still gets you.
Ask yourself why? What do you get out of it? Do/did you get anything out of it?
This process is a journey of self reflection. You're doing good man and try to not to be too hard on yourself.
Best
Pazienza
Active Member
Thank you to to Blondie, SimonM, and Escapeandnevercomeback ... Thank you for the kind words. I need the encouragement, and I'm in a strange mental space today.
I have slipped up in the past, but they were fairly quick and then I got back on the wagon. This time it has been damn near a week of backsliding and slipping, all the way up to last night and into today. It has been a full-blown relapse and I couldn't feel worse about it. Shame, regret, self loathing, and depression. I feel physically sick, this is a terrible hole to be stuck in, and I desperately need to climb out of it. I have been addicted before, but never like this. This is a whole different level of the game.
There is one major positive though. Porn no longer fools me into thinking it possesses some type of redemptive quality. I can see crystal clear that it is harmful to me, all the way, 100% bad. I cannot believe how awful this feels compared to how good I felt when I was on my streak. I went from cloud 9 to the gutter in a few seconds. It's a perfect example of why I chose to leave this life behind me, and I can't believe that I used to enjoy this shit in the past. I can't believe I came back to this either. What an idiot, seriously guys, what the fuck? There is nothing to gain from porn, but a lot to lose. This last week has literally stripped the enjoyment out of life. Food has no taste, sleep offers no rest, and jokes don't make me smile. I feel dead inside. So the silver lining is this: there is no reason to ever come back here. Once I get on my feet, and I will get on my feet, I am never coming back. This whole experience was a disaster, a train wreck of my own design, and I am still feeling the reverberations.
I recruited my wife to join my battle. She has always been aware of my issue, and has never passed judgement on me or made me feel like less of a person because of this. She has been supportive the whole way, but I was adamant that this was my issue, not hers, and that I wanted to do this on my level without her help. But why turn down the help of someone who loves you and is watching you kill yourself? She is installing some porn blockers on the computers right now, and having her on board makes me feel not so alone in this. She told me that no matter what, she loves me, and that we will beat this together. She is a good woman, so much more than I deserve. And she loves me.
Which brings me to my final point: She loves me, and I love me. Even though I feel like I hate myself, it isn't true. If I hated myself, I wouldn't care that porn was destroying me. I am trying to beat this, because I actually do love myself. And I matter. And my happiness matters too. Quality of life matters, and the quality of life with porn is very low indeed. I just need to remember that I am not losing anything by eliminating porn, I am actually gaining something.
I have slipped up in the past, but they were fairly quick and then I got back on the wagon. This time it has been damn near a week of backsliding and slipping, all the way up to last night and into today. It has been a full-blown relapse and I couldn't feel worse about it. Shame, regret, self loathing, and depression. I feel physically sick, this is a terrible hole to be stuck in, and I desperately need to climb out of it. I have been addicted before, but never like this. This is a whole different level of the game.
There is one major positive though. Porn no longer fools me into thinking it possesses some type of redemptive quality. I can see crystal clear that it is harmful to me, all the way, 100% bad. I cannot believe how awful this feels compared to how good I felt when I was on my streak. I went from cloud 9 to the gutter in a few seconds. It's a perfect example of why I chose to leave this life behind me, and I can't believe that I used to enjoy this shit in the past. I can't believe I came back to this either. What an idiot, seriously guys, what the fuck? There is nothing to gain from porn, but a lot to lose. This last week has literally stripped the enjoyment out of life. Food has no taste, sleep offers no rest, and jokes don't make me smile. I feel dead inside. So the silver lining is this: there is no reason to ever come back here. Once I get on my feet, and I will get on my feet, I am never coming back. This whole experience was a disaster, a train wreck of my own design, and I am still feeling the reverberations.
I recruited my wife to join my battle. She has always been aware of my issue, and has never passed judgement on me or made me feel like less of a person because of this. She has been supportive the whole way, but I was adamant that this was my issue, not hers, and that I wanted to do this on my level without her help. But why turn down the help of someone who loves you and is watching you kill yourself? She is installing some porn blockers on the computers right now, and having her on board makes me feel not so alone in this. She told me that no matter what, she loves me, and that we will beat this together. She is a good woman, so much more than I deserve. And she loves me.
Which brings me to my final point: She loves me, and I love me. Even though I feel like I hate myself, it isn't true. If I hated myself, I wouldn't care that porn was destroying me. I am trying to beat this, because I actually do love myself. And I matter. And my happiness matters too. Quality of life matters, and the quality of life with porn is very low indeed. I just need to remember that I am not losing anything by eliminating porn, I am actually gaining something.
Pazienza
Active Member
Thanks for the reply my friend. Any type of positive interaction help on a day like today. I have been wanting to bury myself for the last few days, so I can relate to what you are saying.I know how this goes. I start feeling actually pretty good about myself as the streak goes on but then when I binge, I crash like a MIG and I revert back to beating myself in the head. People around the forum come and tell me I'm being too hard on myself, that I should be nice to myself and give myself a hug and I am exasperated by this because all I want in that moment is to bury myself
You know, do you know William's thread on Reboot Nation? It's helped me a lot, if you haven;t yet, you should check it out, it has many pages but even the first few pages are gold. He is one of the reasons why I've exceeded my pathetic streaks.
I have not checked out William yet. I tend to erroneously think that I don't need help, because I am superman, so I rarely check out what other people have to say. This is, of course, total bullshit. I need to start seeing what other people on this path have to offer in the way of help.
I have beaten a LOT of other addictions, but this one is proving to be the worst. I honestly feel like I'm in over my head on this one. I need as much help as I can get, and good vibes from you and others is very helpful. So thank you
Pazienza
Active Member
I can completely relate to what you are saying here. I also have a need to destroy my progress after I achieve some success. I think it's because my mental picture of myself is dissonant with the reality that I can succeed. On the inside I believe that I am a failure, so when things start going really well for me, the reality doesn't match the internal belief. Then I have to do something to prove that I am a failure after all, to relieve all that stress from winning, lol. I have heard this be referred to as "cognitive dissonance", where we are at war with ourselves to prove which version of us is the true one: the successful guy, or the failure. I think if I could truly believe that I was a successful, good man who deserves to be happy, then I would prove that to myself, instead of the opposite.
Anyhow, thanks for reaching out to me. I have been miserable the last several days, going thru hell with myself. Getting a message of encouragement is always helpful.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I understand and relate to this. Some people have a resistance to seeking and accepting help for various reasons: Fear, ego etc. But I believe that if for a few years I haven't been able to beat this on my own, maybe I don't know how to beat it on my own and I need help from other people who could offer the knowledge, the perspective or whatever that I don't have. I am one of those people who has never looked for help because in order to get help, they need to know what the problem is and for me opening up to talk about being a porn addict and why I am a porn addict (and alcoholic) was very difficult because it made me feel weak. " I don't want to be perceived as weak and talking about my shattered inner world and my adddictions that I try to fix the shattered world with makes me look weak." This is my mentality. But I believe one needs four steps to start with: Admitting there is a problem, believing it can change, making the decision to change and seeking and accept help. Only after this we can actually start. And I am stuck in the second one. It goes a little bit hand in hand with what SimonM said.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, I know very well how this goes, I'm in this boat. I guess I keep sabotaging myself because deep down I don't believe in myself, I don't have the confidence that I am not a loser. I have a long history of many many years seeing myself as a complete loser piece of shit so I guess it has become my default mentality: I am shit, why should I be happy? A resistance to change in better has developed.
Pazienza
Active Member
Day 1
I don't know why I feel different today, but I do. I have gotten a lot of feedback from various guys on this forum, and I can't tell you all how helpful that is. Just knowing I'm not alone here makes a world of difference.
For the entire last week I've been telling myself that I'm free now, and not a slave anymore ... but I haven't actually felt it. I was trying to make it true by saying it, but the concept just wasn't taking hold. But today it is true ... I finally feel free, for real, and it's a good feeling to have.
I need to use this good emotion and put it to use.
I think part of the reason I have failed in the past is that I remove the porn, but I don't put anything in it's place. At least not permanently. I replaced the porn with studying for my test last time, and it worked perfectly, I rarely even thought about porn during that time because I was so hyper-focused on passing that test. Because it wasn't permanent, as soon as I passed the test there was no more studying and just like that ... I was back on the porn train.
This time, I'm going to focus on what I want to do with my new life and freedom, but in a longer timeframe view. It needs to be something that is both fun and beneficial, like a hobby, that could last for years or even a lifetime.
I think music is what I'll pursue. I have 2 bass guitars, an acoustic guitar, and an electric guitar. Plus professional-quality stage rigs to plug into. I used to play in bands when I was younger, and even recorded a few records, but I haven't practiced for many years. It's hard to lose the skill, and then try to get it back. But I miss playing music, and the enjoyment and relaxation that it gave me. I'd rather chase after that than chase porn, so that's what I'm going to do. Tonight, when I get home, I'm going to tune up my guitar and see where it leads me.
I don't know why I feel different today, but I do. I have gotten a lot of feedback from various guys on this forum, and I can't tell you all how helpful that is. Just knowing I'm not alone here makes a world of difference.
For the entire last week I've been telling myself that I'm free now, and not a slave anymore ... but I haven't actually felt it. I was trying to make it true by saying it, but the concept just wasn't taking hold. But today it is true ... I finally feel free, for real, and it's a good feeling to have.
I need to use this good emotion and put it to use.
I think part of the reason I have failed in the past is that I remove the porn, but I don't put anything in it's place. At least not permanently. I replaced the porn with studying for my test last time, and it worked perfectly, I rarely even thought about porn during that time because I was so hyper-focused on passing that test. Because it wasn't permanent, as soon as I passed the test there was no more studying and just like that ... I was back on the porn train.
This time, I'm going to focus on what I want to do with my new life and freedom, but in a longer timeframe view. It needs to be something that is both fun and beneficial, like a hobby, that could last for years or even a lifetime.
I think music is what I'll pursue. I have 2 bass guitars, an acoustic guitar, and an electric guitar. Plus professional-quality stage rigs to plug into. I used to play in bands when I was younger, and even recorded a few records, but I haven't practiced for many years. It's hard to lose the skill, and then try to get it back. But I miss playing music, and the enjoyment and relaxation that it gave me. I'd rather chase after that than chase porn, so that's what I'm going to do. Tonight, when I get home, I'm going to tune up my guitar and see where it leads me.
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Pazienza
Active Member
Thanks! I'm back like I never left!
Pazienza
Active Member
Yes, exactly. That is my burning question, the one that I feel is the key to recovery. What am I getting out of it?
I know that porn comes at a high price and offers me nothing, yet I return. There must be a reason, otherwise I would stay away.
Thanks for the reply and the encouragement