Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Simon2 said:
When I had the "perfect" collection of porn it wasn't enough. I couldn't have a bit here and there like good chocolate.
No. I binged until I felt gross. I lost the connection to my wife. I MO'd way too much to feel good.

I always think it could be just like having a bit of chocolate once in a while but when I go down that road it never is. It's always like eating ice cream until you want to puke.

So no regrets about losing the perfect collection. What I may think it gives me is not actually what it ever DID give me. Never. And next time wouldn't be any different.

Day 8
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Rereading this post today. I need to. Because I'm starting to forget and just visited the wrong site for a few minutes.

Day 38
 
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Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I've just figured out why I have carpal tunnel in my left thumb and wrist... I won't spell it out - but repetitive motions over the course of 30 years will do it.

It's been bothering me ever since my boy wants to go mountain biking all the time.

I'm very proud of my physical well-being and strength, so this is a bit shocking to me.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I'm still alive.

But haven't really beat my demons. I've just shifted the avenue I take to get my fix. I don't want to be specific because I don't need to give anyone ideas by accident. I can say that I'm not accessing porn online in quite a while, but it doesn't mean I'm clean unfortunately.

I have no trouble not accessing certain sites - what I looked at before I joined here. I haven't seen those in over two years. It's like I made this contract with myself to not go there anymore. But I did access a particular fetish area of mine on just one (but one big) forum in my year of failure (the last year - since I posted here that I'd failed). I've now also stopped that for a few months but I've found yet another source of stimulation that is new and I can't seem to make a deal with myself to leave it alone...

I see that many of the same old friends are still here and that you are doing well. I'm happy to see that! Keep it up gents!

Love,
Simon
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I'm noticing that after PMO, or even just PM, I actually hope my wife won't try to be too affectionate, and I avoid situations that might lead to intimacy. That's just crazy. I'm turned off from her and the only thing I can think about is the next online session. It's a bigger dopamine hit...

I don't want it to be that way. Sucks the energy right out of the relationship.

I used to be able to mentally/physically shrug off my pmo much better when I was younger. I guess I had more libido or something. But now it seems to really affect my actual physical relationship.
 
NYC

NYC

Member
Simon2 said:
I'm noticing that after PMO, or even just PM, I actually hope my wife won't try to be too affectionate, and I avoid situations that might lead to intimacy. That's just crazy. I'm turned off from her and the only thing I can think about is the next online session. It's a bigger dopamine hit...

I don't want it to be that way. Sucks the energy right out of the relationship.

I used to be able to mentally/physically shrug off my pmo much better when I was younger. I guess I had more libido or something. But now it seems to really affect my actual physical relationship.
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Ditto here, same, same precisely...WoW, spot on.......but now, even just 53 day no P, and sparse MO, and MO just to feels good, literally no thoughts, Im seeking her out, making moves to get intimate. And, thus far, have had more sex in one week then the last 4 years.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Simon2 said:
I used to be able to mentally/physically shrug off my pmo much better when I was younger. I guess I had more libido or something. But now it seems to really affect my actual physical relationship.
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Hey @Simon2, I get this. Yeah I don't now if it's getting older (or both), or just, when you've been clean for a while, it seems to shock the system more when we go back to it. I've read somewhere that going back to after a long while is almost more damaging then continuously looking at it.

Either way, coming back here is brave, and all we can do is to keep on fighting.

Best
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Blondie said:
Hey @Simon2, I get this. Yeah I don't now if it's getting older (or both), or just, when you've been clean for a while, it seems to shock the system more when we go back to it. I've read somewhere that going back to after a long while is almost more damaging then continuously looking at it.

Either way, coming back here is brave, and all we can do is to keep on fighting.

Best
Click to expand...
Another one checking in to say I get it!

I think it shocks the system because a) we are no longer desensitized (which is another way of saying we're sensitive) and b) yet we still remember how exciting it is (but we forget how bad it felt afterwards), plus the lure of the forbidden. So our lizard-brain has three good reason to look forward to it.

But we've been here before and we know what will come, whichever path we choose. There's no mysterious unknown either way.
 
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