Holding the Fool (me) to Account

[Blondie]

In doing my best to be in the "porn is not an option" frame of mind again. Don't do anything whatsoever related to searching for it - not even contemplating if I should or should not. It's sort of like resisting by just being passive... So far so good - but I am still motivated by how shitty I feel about my recent actions...

Hey @Simon2, I know its hard to get rid of the shame and it's sometimes easier to look backwards than forwards. But ten months is a hell of an achievement, and whatever you might of done over this last while, doesn't change that fact. We all know first hand where this shit can take us, I had a scare myself that forced me out of my complacency and into this current streak I have. Shame can lead us down two very different roads. The first one being the one we're all too familiar with, letting our shame give us an excuse to go back to it, because it's "too late" or "I'm not worth it" etc. The other way, is to use that shame for good, seeing where it leads in the end, and deciding to head off in another new direction. It's true, it doesn't change what you've done in the past, but it WILL change your future, which is all that matters in the end.

You got this.

Best

 

[Androg]

"Passive" can work really well when confronting a craving. But no beating up on yourself for the past. The future starts now.

 

[TryingHarder]

I am still motivated by how shitty I feel about my recent actions...

If that helps you, Simon, but remember: regret is a lousy emotion. I have certainly struggled recently, and about all I can do is just repeat a mantra of whatever the problem is, porn is never the answer. But as your thread title says, you have to hold someone to account. One thing I have struggled with over the years is that being single, there are little or no consequences when I behave badly, because nobody calls me out on it or holds me accountable - except myself.

 

[Simon2]

Feeling pretty good today. Trying to let the fantasies of what it would be like to give in just slide off of me. I mean, they're lies my brain concocts anyway right? Truth is, it wouldn't feel good afterward at all. Proven a million times over the years. It's not gonna change. Ever.

Happy Canada Day!

 

[Simon2]

Day 31 since my last PMO. 10 days since I've let my sexual urges guide my actions in other ways... Yeah, I'm being vague...

Anyway. My nether regions wants action and are hurting for it. I have done a tiny bit of searching today not for porn but whether I can recreate an avenue for what I'm seeking... And I found the answer easily. That's not quite walking another street, and now I'm triggered. To be successful I know I can't do anything like that. Pretend that none of it even exists...

Stay strong everyone. let's get to tomorrow clean!

 

[Simon2]

All I could think of today was how I'd really like to look at the photos I last saw a month ago... Oh how I miss them! Why am I fighting it?

 

[cookiemonster]

All I could think of today was how I'd really like to look at the photos I last saw a month ago... Oh how I miss them! Why am I fighting it?

In my first reboots I felt like I missed some of the adult performers I used to watch.

I never missed them. My brain wanted the dopamine and neurochemical stimulation I used to get from looking at them, it conflated the two things. They're pixels on a screen. Cold pixels with no life in them. There's nothing there but negative things. Keep fighting the good fight and one day you'll let them go.

You can do this!

 

[GBS]

@Simon2 - please don’t give in to the urges. It’s the essence of recovery, sometimes literally screaming because you want something so much and you know at one level it’s not harmful to look at a screen…..but we all know different on here. Fight hard my friend.

 

[Simon2]

Well, I didn't give in today but I can tell that I'm not committed to staying clean down the road. Very frustrating.

I am re-reading posts from last year when I was at this stage (about 1 month in) and I was doing a bit better. I think I was quite exhilarated by the progress - my first long streak in years etc. This year I am less amazed by my clean streak and hence value it less or something.

I am going away camping now, which should make it easy to be clean through the weekend - and I hope I'll come out on the other side with a bit more strength to resist the urges.

 

[Simon2]

terribly tempted today.

I've been fantasizing all weekend about how amazing it would be to create a collection of images after subscribing to a site I've roamed on just two months ago... When I did, by the way, I would download a bunch of stuff with the intent of keeping it available for future use, access only one set a day, bla, bla bla. Instead I'd have a massive binge, then quickly delete it all. A couple of days later I'd download the same stuff again...

It sounds insane because it is.
Insane too that I want to do it all again, imagining that somehow it would be different this time.

If I disappear from here you'll know I've done it again. Shit.

 

[Androg]

Just observe the urges and move your attention to something constructive. As many times as necessary.

 

[GBS]

@Simon2 - well you’re brutally honest that’s for sure. I went on this “regaining trust” course a year ago. I can remember a lot of it, but the key messages were that you need:

to be totally honest
to empathise at every opportunity
to be 100% accountable

I would guess you’re actually very trustworthy. But, and I am not trying to be clever here, you possibly don’t trust yourself. I wonder if you can use those pillars to give yourself some more backbone. You continue to inspire by the way.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Simon2 - how are you doing?

 

[Simon2]

Day 0.

I'm making a new start. It has been a dark bit of time. I've had enough.
Thank you for checking in on me @GBS. I really appreciate it.

 

[GBS]

Nice to have you back @Simon2 - keep trying, pal. Remember that you were and are an inspiration.

As my old Latin teacher used to say “Illegitimi non carborundum“….Google translate will assist you if your Latin is a tiny bit rusty.

 

[Simon2]

Maybe I saturated myself so much that I'm now just done with it? Thinking of the images I pursued over the last month seems gross right now.

I did throw out the flash drive I carefully compiled during that time.

My wife wondered why I'd been so uninterested in cuddles lately. Today I finally felt a bit of physical spark with her again. The P sucked it out of me.

Day 3

 

[Simon2]

Not hard today. Not feeling tempted. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic that I can get back on the right track by NOT letting porn be an option in my mind at all. NO fighting with myself whether I should give in or not. Because it's not an option.

The only danger is that I'll retrieve that flash drive from the garbage bag before it goes to the curb tomorrow.

Day 4

 

[Androg]

Stay strong!

 

[Simon2]

Forgot all about the flash drive. It's gone.

I had a momentary shock when I realized. Then relief. Good.

Day 6

 

[Simon2]

When I had the "perfect" collection of porn it wasn't enough. I couldn't have a bit here and there like good chocolate.
No. I binged until I felt gross. I lost the connection to my wife. I MO'd way too much to feel good.

I always think it could be just like having a bit of chocolate once in a while but when I go down that road it never is. It's always like eating ice cream until you want to puke.

So no regrets about losing the perfect collection. What I may think it gives me is not actually what it ever DID give me. Never. And next time wouldn't be any different.

Day 8