Holding the Fool (me) to Account

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Today I foolishly decided to "check" if an old site I used to go to (the worst of the worst by the way) is still there...
Isn't it strange how we reminisce about old sites, favourite girls, etc, like those were actually places we went and had sex with those girls. Well, no - they were just pictures on a screen and we were jerking off in front of our computers. o_O This is what I tell myself every time I think about a "trip down memory lane."
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Isn't it strange how we reminisce about old sites, favourite girls, etc, like those were actually places we went and had sex with those girls? Well, no - they were just pictures on a screen and we were jerking off in front of our computers. o_O This is what I tell myself every time I think about a trip down memory lane.
@TryingHarder, addiction makes the past appealing, because we find it hard to look forward with anticipation and optimism.

But with time clean, I do find that looking back appeals less and less to me. There is a growing awareness that the past is over and done with and only the future matters.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Great job @Simon2. You got through the test. I know it would be easy to beat yourself up here but you moved on and that's all you can do. You still have your count and you still have your streak, and all the improvements that come along with that fact. Thank god you didn't see anything. It's almost like the gods of righteousness protected you at your weakest moment! I think your action here is completely normal. Right now you're at a very critical stage in your recovery (at least it was for me), you're at place that you've never been before (think about that!), and your brain is trying to figure out this new you. Thus, those old pathways are starting to become overgrown and unkept, and your brain is telling you in desperation to pull out the lawnmower and weed eater and have a Saturday party like the good ol' times.

Now's the time to be more vigilant than ever.

Who cares what the neighbors think. Let that shit grow! :)

Best to you.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Who cares what the neighbors think. Let that shit grow! :)

Best to you.

LOL. I love that analogy. Yep. Let the weeds grow.
And you are totally right. A part of me thinks exactly that a good old porn party is called for... how how nice it was! ... I can't quite remember the misery that came along with it.
 

Simon2

Active Member
If I had the means I would have turned into this guy:

Yep. Dream life. My porn induced fantasies would fit this perfectly. I guess this guy actually acted out on it. He's had a REAL life of constant novelty and youth. I wonder how he feels inside? The legacy he leaves as a human being is certainly sad, criminal, and selfish to the ultimate.

I am happy that I did NOT have those means in my long years of addiction, and that I've finally found some clarity.
 

Simon2

Active Member
... and just like that last night my wife asked me in the course of a coversation about addicts, whether I had "beaten my addiction". Here's how it went:
Wife: "Did you beat your addiction?"
Me: ... "Yes, I have."
Her: "How did you do it?"
Me: "I realized that when I'm camping in the wilderness I never even think of porn at all. So I just decided that it was not available to me anymore."
... pause ...
Me: "It was actually this last summer that I had that insight"
Her: "Yeah, we agreed you'd tell me how it's going, and you haven't done that."
Me: "No, it's not something I like talking about and I didn't want to get accolades or anything for this change".

That was the end of it. I didn't tell her I'm on this forum, that it had been really really bad before I had my epiphany (thanks to RN). I guess she thinks I was already doing quite well and that that was just the last step. So I've had this huge life changing shift in mindset, and now she knows, but for her it's just a small final event. Truthfully she probably doesn't totally believe me when I say it's different now and I have beaten it for good. She probably shouldn't either. A partner should probably always keep a bit of doubt in their minds...

It's ok I think. I will tell her when I reach a year. Maybe sometime I'll also tell her about the forum... I am quite open with her mostly but with this stuff I close right up.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice @Simon2.

I think in your case you're making progress, and that's the greatest gift you can give to her and your family. Sure, in a "perfect" world she would know everything (or almost everything), but we don't live in that world, and sometimes, not everything is black and white. Every relationship is different than another's.

Good job for being truthful in the moment, even if it wasn't all of the truth.

As you said, keep going further and further along, and past a year or so, you can give her more if you so desire.
 
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Simon2

Active Member
My wife is away for three days.

This is like muscle memory. My brain says, "time for some fun on the computer". Weird. After 8 months without touching P.
Well, I ain't giving in. Not an option. So I just have to suffer feeling distracted and procractinating. Because my brain is having trouble focusing...

Entering my 9th month now.
 

GBS

Respected Member
245 is totally awesome. Dealing with those moments when you previously would have done porn is critical recovery. In fact I would go so far as to say it’s everything. When you know you have the resolve, you know you can do it again and again. The sense of guilt if you relapsed increases. That’s good and bad because the fall from grace could be devastating.

Something @Blondie said a week or so ago sticks with me. We have to comfortable saying to ourselves that we will never watch porn again ever. This day by day recovery is a mantra, so looking further is counterintuitive but I think it’s part of what we must do. I think you’re ready to say that.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Good weekend in progress. Family visiting, skiing, and a hockey game today. I feel like MOing pretty badly right now. I may... No chance I'd use P at all.

But I have a few go-to memories I use for MO. Mainly about a very beautiful young woman who totally crossed her own boundaries when she invited me to have sex with her. So vain of me. I tell myself what a stud I am that this girl couldn't resist me. I feel too that I lost our by not taking advantage of that option with her more...

I had a pretty weak day this week, where I looked at pics of an actress I discovered for a while. Nothing sexual, but triggering and definitely the kind of thing that could lead down a slippery slope. On a good note, she is not what I would have considered super hot 9 months ago and I'm now totally aroused by it... I don't need the hard drug anymore... Soft will do.

But really. All I need is what my life gave me. My wife. Had amazing sex a few days ago... Wait for it... It will happen again lol

So that's where I am. Definitely work in progress still. But I can hardly recognize the guy who wrote my first few posts...

9th month.
 

Simon2

Active Member
I've been having some blue balls again lately. Not sure why but I suspect touching myself while sitting at my desk isn't helping.

I am leaving on a trip in a few days and will be away for 10 days. Don't worry - I'll be back :)
 

Simon2

Active Member
I'm back from vacation.

Got a bag full of shit to take care of now (you know - over a week's worth of urgent emails I didn't check until now).
The old me would have crawled into a hole for a while with P to avoid the bag full of shit. The bag would get bigger...

I guess it's not an option today. I better just deal with it all. The good news is that I had an excellent time while away.
 

Simon2

Active Member
I'm having a rough week. Way too much to do. Tired. Feeling anxious about the moutain of to-do in front of me. It feels very much like the times before when I fled into P to escape from anxiety and the pressures of the world for a while.

I'm into my 10th month now, and yet this situation is triggering my body quite badly. My body remembers (through 25 years of experience) that this is when you look at P. So I've been having a tough time focusing, experiencing the body pains that call for P, thinking of P.

I find it hard to believe that there's SO much of the addiction left after all this time. That the neural pathways are still THIS strong. Amazing. That is why failure beteween 6 and 12 months is still so common (as @GBS just mentioned). I think I've got this beat - but I don't.

But today P is not an option. Nope.
I look forward to some light. I shall get there.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Simon2, it's times like this where it blows your mind that you can still be so tempted, or even just the thought of thinking about it is insane. I've found on my journey so far, it's moments like this where I saw a real big change following the days or week after, you just got to stick it out. I can promise you It does get better and better as you move along but hell, I still get those little thoughts once in a while, and that pisses me off.

As you've mentioned, you've got years of doing this habit repeatedly, what does 10 months or 520 days clean have on that number? It's definitely something, and it's a great achievement, but it's just the beginning. That's why committing to this 100% and for the long run is the really the only option to see some real lifelong changes.

As for myself, I'm thinking at two years I will be out of the danger zone. I agree with that chart, at one year you're definitely getting there, but there's still room to fuck up, just look at me, I'm living proof of that!

Best brother, you CAN get through this.
 
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