Holding the Fool (me) to Account

joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Simon2 said:
When I had the "perfect" collection of porn it wasn't enough. I couldn't have a bit here and there like good chocolate.
No. I binged until I felt gross. I lost the connection to my wife. I MO'd way too much to feel good.

I always think it could be just like having a bit of chocolate once in a while but when I go down that road it never is. It's always like eating ice cream until you want to puke.

So no regrets about losing the perfect collection. What I may think it gives me is not actually what it ever DID give me. Never. And next time wouldn't be any different.

Day 8
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I used to have quite the collection too got rid of it all I could binge pretty hard too start at 9 in the morning and still be at it by 3 in the afternoon wondering where the day went or start at 11 pm and than realize the sun was coming up and I hadn't slept a wink. I am lucky I never lost the connection to my wife. It's funny she knew I surfed porn just not for hours at a time. We had sex all the years through my addiction and to be honest I don't find it any better now that I have given up the porn. It was always good. Now that I have given up porn I find i do have more time to do other things that I missed out on.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
The blue balls are setting in. I'm aroused from the friction of my pants while walking. That's what 10 days of zero stimulation has gotten me.

I'll have to suffer through this before I'll start to feel normal again. Fuck porn.

Day 10
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Have you tried putting your junk in a sink and running cold water over it? Or sitting in a warm bath? I've heard people say both help. You could also try kegels, to increase circulation in the region.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I AM grateful that it's not as bad as last year. I am benefiting from 10 months of being clean earlier this year. It isn't easy staying clean exactly, and there's body pains - BUT it's way better than the torture I endured last year. I can still think...


Day 12
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
The week has just blown by. It's Friday.
I'm clean. I'm not giving porn a chance by not entertaining any ideas of giving in.

I am thankful for my precious clean streak, because the withdrawal is much much less severe than last year. I can do this.

We can all do this. Stay strong everyone!
Day 19.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Today I feel super sexually charged. Not sure why, other than that I'm almost a month away from my last relapse... I've also taken some looks at girls and women that didn't accomplish anything other than getting me amped up. I always tell myself that I don't need to stop enjoying the beauty of women - even though I know that looking just leads to pain (the way I do it - which is to try to possess them with my eyes - yep creepy - though I am very good at hiding it - I think.)

Anyway though. P is not an option.
Day 23
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Today I'm feeling triggered. Nothing happened in particular, so I think it's just the old channels in my brain feeling dry and wanting to be "watered" with porn. Can't give in. Even though the voice is telling me right now "how nice" it would be.

Day 25
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I had a good weekend. Now that I'm in the office again in front of the computer I'm feeling withdrawal symptoms in the space where I had some big failures before. No worries. I won't go there. But my mind is telling me it would be a nice way to spend time and avoid facing my work, the stresses of life...

Day 29
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
A situation at work yesterday got me super turned on. I didn't pull back from it as I could have when it was going on but sort of just let it continue. Today I'm having a hard time concentrating. Having the memories float back. I MO'd to them this morning too. Wasn't too great. The problem with MO is as well that I always feel like it would have been better with P - so that's a dangerous path to be on.

Nevertheless. No P for 31 days now. One month in the books again.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
@Androg is right that…
Androg said:
Fantasizing will just act as a trigger.
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…but you have my sympathies. Just not fantasising is like saying to a smoker, why don’t you just not smoke? I think management of fantasy is a real art and the key is to know it’s an art and try and combat it carefully over time. Not masturbating was, for me, the thing that helped. But that’s a tough ask. I would just say stay attentive (like Androg says) and realistic. Keep the fantasies unrewarded if you can.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
This is the stage when I start to forget how terrible I feel after giving in. What I do remember very well though is the euphoria before that. So my mind is weaker to the little voice telling me I should just give in. I don't need to beat this. I can have a bit of it.

Anyway. Just reread the posts I made close to day 1 (every day 1), and the truth is plain there to see. In my own words.

Day 35.
 
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